From the author: Elena PolyakovaA conflict has arisen between a child and a parent and, unfortunately, it has not been resolved, but is deepening... How to resolve contradictions so that everyone wins? We need to learn to find alternatives; it is no coincidence that we live in a world of constant compromises and negotiations. Finding an alternative means being able to resolve the conflict between parents and child in such a way that everyone feels better and understands the essence of the contradiction. It involves reaching mutual agreement. Parents, first of all, must remember that searching for alternatives is different from “giving” advice and instructions such as “Do this”, “I think you should...” Such advice is useless for the following reasons: - advice only makes the child more dependent on the parent . It does not help the child learn to solve problems and gain independence; - often a child is skeptical about an adult’s advice and does not like being told what and how to do. On the contrary, he strives to join in the discussion of the problem; - the question arises, who is to blame if parental advice does not work - the child or the parent? Teaching a child to find alternatives means helping him choose the best course of action and accepting responsibility for carrying out the decision. There are certain stages in searching for an alternative: • identifying a contradiction or problem; • development of alternative solutions; • thinking and evaluating alternative solutions; • choosing an alternative and implementing a solution; • identifying a point in the future when progress can be assessed. Although, at first glance, all this may turn out to be very simple in practical application, there are nevertheless a number of key points that need to be understood before you start using this scheme. Sit down with your child and explain the process of finding alternative solutions and how they will help resolve conflicts. It must be remembered that each participant in the conflict is a person; therefore, everyone must be treated with dignity and respect. Contradictions are successfully resolved when everyone understands what exactly these stages of the process involve. By using all of the above steps to resolve parent-child conflict, a parent can avoid many other problems associated with conflict. Although some contradictions resolve on their own, and others are easily overcome without going through all the stages, it is necessary for both parent and child to understand what exactly is included in each stage. Stage I. Definition of a contradiction or problem. 1. The parent must be sure that the moment chosen to search for an alternative is successful for both himself and the child. A child, like everyone else, is offended if he is cut off or rejected. 2. A parent should not be afraid to say, “What happened is a problem, and I want you to help solve it.” You must adhere to the following goals and rules: • tell it like it is. If you, as a parent, feel strong on this point, it makes sense that you should be the one to approach your child with the question; • avoid accusations that only force the child to defend himself and reduce the chances of resolving the contradiction; • Using joint actions, the parent should let the child understand that they must unite in finding a solution in which no one will be disadvantaged and which requires a “meeting” between the child and the parent. It is important that the child believes that the parent sincerely wants his help and respects his ideas. The first stage of searching for alternatives must be successfully completed before the other four stages are attempted. In some cases, this stage turns out to be very simple, for example, when choosing clothes. The problem is clear: “Which dress should I buy?” The problem “Does Sonya need a new dress?” becomes less clear. There may be a contradiction here: “Does she need a new dress more than new shoes?” or “Does she need more new dresses or more training sessions,which cost money? Stage II. Search and development of alternative solutions. This stage requires the child and parent to analyze various decisions. In order to start brainstorming, the parent can ask the child: “What exactly should we analyze? What ideas do you have about our problem?” or “Two heads are better than one. I'm willing to bet that you and I will come up with some good ideas." To help find a solution to a problem, try to keep the following key points in mind: • Let your child be the first to suggest a solution. You will take your opportunity later; • give your child enough time to think about his proposals, especially if he is still small; • be open, avoid judging, judging or belittling the solutions proposed by the child; • avoid statements that create in the child the belief that you will not accept any of the solutions he proposes; • support the child, especially in cases where several children are involved in the search for alternatives; • brainstorm until you are sure that it will not be possible to “squeeze out” new alternatives. As a rule, people generate the maximum number of ideas in the first 5-10 minutes. Stage III. Research, thinking, evaluating alternative solutions. This stage involves exploring and evaluating solutions that appear to resolve the controversy or problem. All possible alternatives are played out in the imagination, as well as the consequences of the decision made. It is very important at this stage that the parent includes the child in thinking and evaluating various decisions. A parent might say, “What do we think about the decisions we came to?” or: “Can any solution be said to be better than others?” This phrase can be called the "weeding out" phrase. Decisions are discarded, leaving only those that are acceptable to the child and parent. The parent must honestly express their feelings about the decision. This can be done with statements such as “I wouldn't be very happy with this option” or “I don't feel like this meets my needs” or “That doesn't seem fair to me.” Stage IV. Selecting an alternative and implementing a solution. Selecting an alternative and implementing a solution will be easier if the remaining stages of exploring alternatives have been completed and there has been an open and honest exchange of views between parent and child. To select the best alternative, remember the following: • ask questions like “Do you think this will lead us to a solution? Will this decision satisfy everyone? Does this solve our problem? • decisions are not specified. No decision should be considered final or subject to change. A parent might say to a child, “Sounds good, let’s try it and see if this solves our problems?” or “I’d like to try this. And you?" • write down the decision on paper, especially if it includes a number of points, so that no one is forgotten. • everyone involved must understand that everyone has a role to play in finding a solution. To summarize, you might say, “It appears that we have reached an agreement,” or “I think it is clear to me that we are willing to be...” It should be clear to all participants in the discussion what exactly is required of them and how mutual agreement can be achieved. They should constantly address the questions: “Who?”, “What?”, “Where?”, “How?”. For example: “Who is responsible for this? When do we start and when do we finish? Where will all this take place? How will all this be accomplished? Conflicts regarding housework and work “responsibilities” can be resolved by asking questions such as: “How often? Which days? What are the evaluation criteria? In bedtime conflicts, parent and child can discuss who should keep time, what happens if the child doesn't go to bed on time, or why the child doesn't want to go to bed. Implementation issues should be discussed only after all participants in the discussion have finally expressed their views on solving the problem. Implementation is usually easierin cases where differences of opinion have been resolved. Stage V. Choosing the right moment to evaluate the correctness of the decision made. This stage, which is often forgotten, is actually very important because not all decisions are in the best interests of everyone - parent or child. Therefore, both the child and the parent need to go back and consider how things are going, how well the chosen solution satisfies everyone. The child often agrees to a decision that later turns out to be difficult to implement. It is necessary to check with each other, asking: “How is the implementation of the decision going? Do you still find it satisfactory?” Sometimes, during the assessment stage, new information appears that requires a revision of the original decision. Evaluation is an important part of the process of finding alternatives. The evaluation will show how successful the solution found was and whether any correction is necessary. Attitudes play an important role in the process of searching for alternatives. Both the parent and the child should: - want to hear the partner; - want to resolve the conflict; - understand and, if possible, accept your partner’s feelings; - believe that the other person can also find a good solution; - look at another person as an independent person, with his special feelings. Forms of behavior that implement an attitude of understanding, empathy, trust and acceptance include: - eye contact (look at the partner, but do not glare at him); - sign language (natural, relaxed, open gestures and poses). This includes your own demeanor, expressing a desire to resolve the conflict; - listening attentively to your partner, not so much related to what he says, but supporting him and encouraging him to continue and clarify his thoughts and feelings. Why does the alternatives exploration method work? The process of exploring alternatives turns out to be effective in resolving child-parent contradictions for the following reasons: • The child has a motive to find and implement a solution. • There is a chance to find the best solution. • The child’s thinking abilities develop. • The democratic philosophy of parents leads to the best results. • Harmony and love arises among family members. • The parent's tendency to coerce weakens. • The need for a show of force, both on the part of the parent and the child, is eliminated. • The exploration of alternatives addresses the real problems of the people involved. While the alternatives research method may not work in some cases, make sure you go through every step of the process without missing a beat. If, despite everything, a solution is not found, it is useful to keep in mind the following: - continue the discussion, but take a break. Sometimes after a break people have new ideas about both the problem itself and ways to solve it; - go back to stage two and look for other possible solutions; - encourage yourself and other participants in the discussion. One might ask, “Have we found all possible solutions?” - look for a hidden problem. You may say: “That’s strange, what is stopping us from solving the problem?” Typically, one or more of the proposed paths lead to a solution to the deadlock. The parent should keep in mind that at first, agreements reached may be violated for the following reasons: • The agreement turned out to be difficult to implement. • Lack of experience, self-discipline or self-regulation in implementing plans. • The existing dependence of one party to the conflict on the other can also become an obstacle to its resolution. • Forgetfulness. • An attempt to test the true interest of another. • One of the discussion participants only pretends to agree with the proposed solution, because wants to do something else. If the agreement is broken, the culprit needs to be shown directly and honestly what happened. This must be done as quickly as possible. This is a form of logical consequence. The process of exploring alternatives will only work if.