In the previous article I wrote about rational and irrational feelings of guilt. What about controversial situations and conflicts? Often it all comes down to the fact that each side blames (that is, considers guilty) the other, mutual anger, resentment, and other unpleasant emotions accumulate. How to determine the culprit? All conflicts develop according to the same pattern. Some stages may be skipped, the duration of each stage can also be completely different. The main thing is that the sequence is always the same. The main stages are: - pre-conflict situation; - first clash between the parties (incident); - escalation (from the Latin scala - ladder, the conflict grows); - conflict climax (the highest point of escalation, can be explosive); - conflict resolution (when the parties are looking for ways and end the conflict); - post-conflict situation (the final state of affairs). The conflict may never move to the climax stage - sometimes people simply get tired of wasting energy, and the conflict subsides on its own. But in protracted conflicts, when the escalation stage lasts for years, it accumulates a gigantic amount of negative energy, and at the moment of culmination this can lead to dire consequences. Every victory has a price - and in every conflict you pay with your emotional energy, calm state, sometimes losing finances or the relationship itself, sometimes even health or life. Often we We get so carried away by this struggle that we completely forget about what we are losing, about what we really wanted to achieve. We find ourselves in a vicious circle of the Karpman Triangle, alternately changing the roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer, we fight and get hurt, losing the meaning of what is happening. This is all an entertaining theory, but who, after all, is to blame? One could write the old psychological joke that “the wallpaper is to blame,” but in reality everything is much deeper. The problem is in the very search for the culprit. Do not rush to be indignant, I understand that your feelings of resentment or anger are sincere. But it is emotions that prevent you from fully assessing the situation: There is you - with your position, interests, point of view. There is a second side - your partner, spouse, boss or even a group of people, also with their own position, interests, point of view. And there is the situation itself conflict - what actually happened (one or more incidents). Think about it: for both sides the situation is problematic. That is, you already agree that the situation is problematic. From this point of view, the two of you find yourself against the problem. That is, instead of a conflict, you can jointly come to a solution that suits both of you. Let’s say that the wife is infuriated that her husband does not lower the toilet seat, and he is enraged that she “nags” him about this every time. If you look into the situation, it may turn out that she has a heightened sensitivity to hygiene, and every time she has to wash everything with bleach in order to be able to use the toilet. The husband simply was not aware of how significant this seemingly trifle was for her. Or maybe that’s not the point at all - she’s angry that he doesn’t help much around the house, and the toilet seat became the “last straw” in a string of grievances about which she was silent. Open, direct communication without mutual accusations and insults can really work wonders. But what to do if the other party does not want to communicate, is not capable of dialogue? First of all, realize your true motives - what is your interest? Be sincere with yourself - perhaps you really want to talk, find a solution to some problems, and not fight? Are there other ways to achieve what you want? Estimate how much it will cost you to continue the conflict? What will you lose if you simply leave the conflict, end it in one way or another? Simple and honest answers to these questions will help you make a decision.