Why is it so difficult sometimes to say “no”? Because there is experience of a negative reaction to refusal, for example, my mother told my father “no” and received a stream of abuse in response or even stranger - a blow in the face. Or, in response to the father’s refusal, the mother began to become hysterical. The child concludes that refusal is something unpleasant and dangerous. The prohibition to contradict or say “no” also arises when in childhood they were punished for this: by shouting, spanking, ignoring or displeased looks. And when love and attention are not enough, what can you do to be accepted. As a result, the child is afraid to go against his parents and gives up his own opinion, and therefore part of himself. Example from practice. The client is in long-term therapy. Permission was received from her to publish an excerpt from the therapeutic session, the name has been changed. Sveta takes timid steps in her relationship with a man. They have known Semyon for only ten days. Once he invited a girl to a cafe, then he preferred to spend the evenings in Sveta’s cozy apartment. “Today Semyon called and asked: “Shall we meet in the evening?” I replied that I would like to go somewhere: to a cafe, cinema, theater. He replied: “I have no money.” Me: “Then I’ll go somewhere alone, or with a friend.” I thought: “What kind of a man is he if he can’t even make money from a movie?” If he doesn’t want to spend money on me, then I’m not valuable to him.” And then other thoughts appeared: “He will think that I only need money from him, he will be offended and will not come again. I will be left alone, no one needs me. It’s fun and interesting with him.”- What do you want, Svetlana?- I would like to say “no” without fear.- With what feeling would you like to say “no”?- Calmly.- Say: “I allow myself to say “no” and feel calm at the same time.” Sveta repeats the proposed phrase. “How does the body react to your words?” Is there discomfort somewhere? - Yes, in the chest. - What is the image of discomfort? - Threads. I see pairs of people - men and women, tied with threads. They are uncomfortable, but they cannot get out. And they don't want to. We're used to it. They don't see each other. Some stand sideways, some with their backs. - How did it happen that they ended up in this situation? - First they wanted intimacy, love. But everyone was afraid of rejection, not feeling their own worth, afraid of being alone, and that’s why they tied their partner to themselves. They abandoned themselves, their desires, in order to please their partner and remain in a couple, and they feel unhappy. - What did they lack initially, at the moment of rapprochement? - They did not have enough sense of their own value, goodness, they did not have enough parental love. - Allow me they receive parental love. - They became little children in the arms of their parents. - How do they feel now? - They are trying to connect mom and dad with their hands, afraid of losing them. - Tell them that dad and mom will forever remain their parents, even if they live separately. And their marital relations do not concern their children. - Yes, she said. - What is happening to the children now? - When children understand that they have nothing to do with their parents’ conflicts, their hands unclench, they relax. - Allow them to grow up. - They grow up and meet each other halfway again. Now they feel valued and loved, they can openly talk to each other about their desires. They are not afraid that if they say “no” to their partner, he will reject them, because true intimacy involves accepting the rejection, the differences of the other. - What happens next? - The couples hold hands, and each moves in its own direction. They no longer need threads to bind. They understand that when a partner feels good in a couple, he will not go anywhere. And I understand that. - Repeat the phrase again: “I allow myself to say “no” and feel calm.” Sveta repeated the proposed phrase. “Now there is no discomfort, the body really accepts this permission. By saying “no” to another, we choose ourselves. It is normal and natural to choose yourself. But this is easy to do for a person who has self-respect, a deep sense of.