While reading a popular book by an American psychotherapist, I came across this description of a narcissist: an arrogant, self-obsessed person who thinks only about his own desires. The description also included rude manners and inflated self-esteem. Unfortunately, most people have exactly this idea of ​​narcissists, and it does not always coincide with reality. Narcissists are not always arrogant, rude egoists. These are people with a very fragile inner world. So what traits can be called narcissistic? Condescending attitude towards others: others need my help, they cannot cope without me, without my advice others will not be able to do the right thing or make the right decision. For example, “I work so much overtime because without it my department will fail the plan or start losing clients, without me everything will collapse.” At the same time, outwardly they can be very friendly, always ready to help and seem to you the most selfless people. For the same reason, people with wounded narcissism are in codependent relationships. They either find a partner who depends on them, needs them, which feeds their fragile ego (“I am very needed, I am significant”). Or they themselves become dependent on their partner and require constant contact and presence to ensure continuity of feedback “I’m with you, that means you’re good.” At the same time, inside they can feel strong anger at their partner in one way (I hate you for being you depend on me and stick to me), and in another case (I hate you because you mean so much to me). Very fragile self-esteem: the need for constant confirmation that everything is fine with a person, and that to him they treat him well, that they are not angry with him, are not offended, in other words - the need for constant feedback. “Are you sure you’re not mad at me now? Are you sure you're asking me out on a date because you like me? Do you really want to communicate with me?” Unfortunately, the more pronounced narcissism is, the less the ability to love another, because all the strength and all the attention flows inward to patch up internal wounds. A person is so busy being constantly anxious and seeking the approval of others that there is very little space left for another person and love for him. Therefore, they may experience difficulties in building harmonious relationships. Taking everything personally. One of the most prominent manifestations of narcissism is that they take everything personally. In a negative way, this can look like this: “everyone looks at me judgmentally; the boss reprimanded my work, he hates me; friends didn’t want to celebrate New Year’s Eve together this year, but went to their parents - it’s all because of me, they don’t want to communicate with me anymore; a friend advised me to read this book - he thinks I’m stupid and wants to humiliate me.” They constantly feel wounded, insulted, humiliated. No matter what we are talking about, most often they will think it through in their imagination and find a reason to be offended. At the other extreme, the narcissist will broadcast that everyone looks only at him and, moreover, with admiration, everyone wants a relationship with him, that he is the most successful etc. May attribute non-existent and exaggerated merits to himself. In this case, this will be compensation for the feeling of internal worthlessness that is transmitted to others in the previous version. But the essence is the same. In both cases, the contents of a person’s inner world are translated and projected onto other people and may have absolutely nothing to do with their real motives. But the narcissist is most often busy with his own experiences, all his attention is directed to where his soul hurts, so there is almost no room left for real people and their real thoughts and feelings. This is why narcissists are often accused of lack of empathy and selfishness - they are really fixated on themselves . Because their psyche works in constant emergency mode, trying to plug the emptiness inside. And this is exactly what it feels likeInside a person with narcissistic personality disorder there is emptiness. Often such people have difficulty making decisions, they can shift responsibility to others and look for relationships in which they can rely on another - because inside they do not have their own core, they feel empty inside. This can be compared to a soap bubble. With achievements, career successes, expensive purchases and other compensations, this narcissistic bubble can grow indefinitely, but at one point it can also easily burst, since there is no basis inside, no foundation. Such people are accustomed from childhood to living the desires of their parents and being theirs called narcissistic extension. Therefore, in therapy with such clients, I most often encounter the fact that they do not know what they want. They can leave a partner who seemed to be spoiling their life or preventing them from living their lives, imposing their interests, but it may turn out that there are no particular interests of their own there. And we’re not talking about hobbies now. Narcissists can often have several hobbies, successfully changing one for another, but they may not do anything seriously and for a long time. They do not know who they want to be, regardless of age, the voice of their true needs has been suppressed for so long that sometimes the very presence of choice burdens them. It’s better to let someone choose for them. But at the same time, they themselves will then blame the other for imposing their desires on them. Inside the narcissist there is a persistent feeling that “I cannot be loved just like that.” In childhood, such people learned the lesson that they are loved for something: for obedience, for washing dishes, cleaning, good behavior, medals in competitions, for good grades at school, etc. They are accustomed to the model where you need to please others to get love. Therefore, even if they meet a person who can love them, they will doubt and even sabotage this love and relationship until the last moment. They will try their best to prove to themselves that they are not really loved, that they will still be deceived, abandoned or betrayed, and they themselves will provoke such situations. “I knew that others couldn’t be trusted/that no one would love me/that others only loved me for...(insert as appropriate).” Idealization and devaluation. Today, someone may seem to the narcissist the most attractive in the world, the best, and he will shower this person with so much attention that he will feel like a star. But after idealization there will be a period of disappointment, and then the one who was elevated to the pedestal will be subject to all the criticism and devaluation that the narcissist subjects himself to from within. It is worth noting that people with a fragile narcissistic inner world are their strictest executioners, they have adopted this into childhood from their parents or people replacing them. Therefore, when a narcissist meets another, he first sees in him a messiah and a savior from all this internal horror, and then over time he projects his inner critic onto him and begins to devalue not only himself, but also the one who is nearby. This trick will give them temporary relief. Against the background of a devalued other, you yourself can look more significant and successful. Therefore, partners of narcissists are often haunted by a background feeling of “something is wrong with me.” And this is exactly what people with narcissistic wounds constantly feel inside themselves. I hope this article has given you the opportunity to better understand your relationship with your partner, with your parents or yourself, as well as understanding what is going on inside people with narcissistic wounds. Their childhood traumas made them who they are, and this gives us reason to sympathize. However, this does not relieve responsibility for the actions of narcissists in conscious adulthood in relation to other people. It is important to say that everyone has narcissistic wounds, but to varying degrees of manifestation. You may recognize yourself, but this does not mean that narcissistic traits are predominant in your character. If you recognize yourself in these lines, then you can help yourself through long-term psychoanalytic psychotherapy. She gives relief, gives a chance to free herself from constant.