Beck Institute BrochureAaron T. Beck, M.D., has devoted much of his professional life to the study of dysfunctional thinking in a variety of disorders. Paying attention to the problems of married couples, he found that they exhibited the same type of problematic thinking (which he called cognitive distortions) as his patients. This booklet, based in part on Dr. Beck's book, Love Is Never Enough, focuses on sexual partners, but these principles can be applied to relationships of any kind, including platonic and cohabiting relationships, spanning a variety of gender orientations and cultures. In fact, this booklet contains valuable lessons for almost any relationship, and also reflects the later emphasis in Dr. Beck's work on values ​​and aspirations. Sean and Sabrina were busy with their work and decided to spend more time together. Sabrina had a rough week and told Sean she wanted to spend the day shopping. Sean had a particularly busy week doing renovations on a large office building and, wanting more intimacy with Sabrina, decided to go with her. Sabrina took this as an intrusion and thought, “He never lets me do my own thing.” She didn't say anything to Sean and remained silent throughout the entire shopping trip. Sean interpreted her silence as a sign that she did not care about him, and sharply asked: “Why are you silent?” Sabrina reacted to his anger by pulling away even more. The facts of the situation were as follows:1. Sabrina really wanted to spend more time with Sean, but still go shopping alone.2. She did not communicate this desire to Sean.3. Sean respected Sabrina's freedom and independence, but wanted her attention and recognition.4. He was not convinced that she wanted him to accompany her on a shopping trip.5. She misinterpreted his offer to go with her (as an attack on her freedom).6. He misinterpreted her detachment (as a lack of love). Numerous mistakes and misunderstandings like these can undermine the foundation of a partnership. However, the hope is that people can learn to catch these mistakes and correct them before they go too far. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is designed to help couples do just that—evaluate their thinking, adjust their communication, and focus on what's really important in the relationship. CBT can help prevent misunderstandings from occurring in a relationship in the first place. What does it take to maintain a relationship? Although love is a powerful motivator for a couple to help, support and make each other happy, it is not the essence of a relationship. The qualities and skills that are critical to maintaining and developing a partnership emerge from people acting in accordance with shared values, aspirations and desires. Common shared values ​​include: Commitment, devotion, responsibility, reliability; Sensitivity, consideration, cooperation, forgiveness; Generosity, affection; Compromise, resilience, acceptance and tolerance. Couples may have experience communicating with people outside of the relationship, but they may lack basic understanding or real skills to improve their own relationships. They find it difficult to make joint decisions or “decipher” messages from their partners. The power of expectations increases the pain and fuels the fear that lies at the heart of the conflict. Partners tend to misinterpret each other's actions, place blame, and feel unable to solve their problems. As difficulties arise and hostile relationships intensify, they lose sight of positive things: the actions or personality traits of their spouse. They lose sight of the very values ​​that underlie their expectations and miss the opportunity to better understand their partners. Unraveling the Knots Research has shown that troubled couples benefit from a structured program thatwhich teaches them to untie the knots that “twist” their communication, focus on shared values, and make an effort to understand and empathize with their partner. They benefit greatly from eliminating guilt and focusing on what they control: how much their actions contribute to the loving relationship. The same program can improve relationships that are not in trouble. And it has proven effective with couples at different levels of attachment. In fact, some of the most significant successes have come from partners who simply wanted to get more out of their relationships. As you evaluate your relationships, it will be helpful to keep in mind what kind of partner you would like to be in order to improve them. Here are some goals: First, define your values: Sabrina expected that Sean should not interfere with her stress-relieving activities, but should understand, respect her autonomy, and allow her to do what she wants. Such expectations reflect the values ​​of autonomy, acceptance, understanding, respect and freedom. Sean expected Sabrina not to be so quiet, but to be outgoing, affectionate, and openly grateful for his company. Such expectations reflect the values ​​of connection, openness, communication, affection, and appreciation. Sean and Sabrina have no control over whether their partners' actions align with these values. They only control whether their own actions are consistent with these values. Expectations reflect values, and those values ​​serve as a compass for your actions and can lead you to greater integrity and a stronger foundation in being a committed ally, supporter, and advocate for your partner. Second, know your partner's values: Sabrina vs. Hookup. there is no more openness and communication than Sean is against autonomy, acceptance and understanding. They just need to put themselves in their partner's shoes and listen to their deep unexpressed values, the dissatisfaction of which causes them pain. Then Sabrina would be able to see Sean not as an encroachment on her freedom, but as suffering and wanting love. Sean might see Sabrina not as cold and unloving, but as depressed and wanting space. This empathy allows you to develop the tender, loving part of your relationship so that your partner can see you as a colleague and friend. Third, foster a spirit of cooperation: Sabrina responded to Sean's intrusion with hostile silence. Sean responded to her silence with critical questions. They can hone their communication skills through empathic listening and respectful communication. Sean might say, “You don't talk much and you seem a little tense or anxious. I am puzzled and worried because I know how hard you work and that it takes a lot of effort.” Sabrina could have said, “That's right, I was silent and I understand that you may feel hurt or rejected. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now and just wanted some time to sort out my feelings, but I really appreciate how supportive you are through all of this.” In a compassionate manner, you can express your feelings and acknowledge your partner's feelings. Fourth, seek mutually satisfying alternatives: Sean and Sabrina can find ways to satisfy both desires for connection and autonomy. Given that there are shared values, they can find ways to spend time together without unnecessary stress. Sean showed Sabrina his respect by asking if she wanted to be alone. Sabrina expressed her appreciation to Sean by thanking him and suggesting they work together. This spirit of cooperation and consideration of needs allows you to solve the problem in four simple steps: 1. Determine what you and your partner want;2. Determine the specifics of your differences;3. Brainstorm until you come up with many possible solutions;4. Choose the solution that suits both of you the most. Thus, cognitive behavioral therapy may provide tools for improving