From the author: Have you ever wondered why you yell at your children? Why are there sometimes more screams than kind words, requests, explanations? How to yell less? Surely each of you can easily remember the situation: I’m going down the street and suddenly... I shudder from screaming, sometimes offensive words and even obscenities coming out of a cute woman’s mouth. I turn around and see my mother in a rage, shouting insults: “You are stupid, a fool, a pig, ..., I won’t buy you anything again, never, ..., let’s go home now, ... otherwise...”, dragging, literally by the scruff of the neck, his sobbing offspring. at the same time, the more she screams and pulls, the louder the child screams and resists. Why do we first listen with bated breath to the birth of a new life in our womb, spend 9 months fantasizing about who the baby will be like and who he will grow up to be, and then, yelling, shake, press, force, scare, blackmail our children? Even very loving parents sometimes raise their voices at their child. I love my daughter, but when I get really tired: bam and it’s like someone pressed a button and turned me off, I start raising my voice at her. This doesn't happen often, but it still happens. - Stop! - I command myself. - It’s not the child’s fault that I’m having a hard day, there were a lot of clients, I’m tired and want to lie down, but she wants to play, my attention, show me a drawing or feed her porridge. If you don’t stop yourself in time, relief will be replaced by remorse and regret. But even this awareness does not always help, and we yell at the child again and again. Why? - Because my mother screamed at me. I grew up in an environment of screaming, I was programmed to scream, my parents did not teach me to communicate differently with the child. - Because the child, a priori, is weaker, cannot “shut up the fountain of dirt” emitted by our mouth. The boss yelled at us, we weren’t paid a bonus, we stepped on our feet on the bus, my husband got drunk on beer with his friends, instead of a vacation in Bali there are trains to my mother’s dacha - a great reason to yell at the child. He won’t fire you, won’t deprive you of your bonus, or swear at you (yet). Dear parents, have you tried hanging a punching bag in the hallway? We came home and worked on it 30-50 times, released anger and aggression, Your child is not a pear! - Because we demand too much, forgetting that we have a child in front of us. He MUST live in accordance with OUR ideas! Must speak like the speaker of the State Duma at 2 years old, learn to read at 3 years old, speak English and French fluently at 4 years old, know Eugene Onegin by heart at 5 years old and read Shakespeare in the original. This list goes on and on. We cannot accept that our child is not a genius, but just MY child! I know a girl who has been doing gymnastics since she was 4 years old. Now she is 13, she wants to quit sports, she has developed other interests, but her parents don’t want to listen, they start screaming and pushing: “So much of our and your efforts are down the drain!” The girl’s father often recalls with resentment that he wanted to become a famous football player, but his parents didn’t want to take him to the gym, and the girl’s mother was jealous of her neighbor’s daughter, who studied ballet and still has excellent posture and figure. Can you guess why their daughter has been in gymnastics since she was 4 years old? - Of course, one of the best. motives! Sometimes adults are so captivated by their illusions that they see only their own desires, ceasing to notice the desires of the child, and then the child begins to live our life. But we pressure, manipulate, shout, force, forbid, compare with the successes of other children - But Masha. , well done, yesterday.., and all you can do is... why am I being punished like that? Petya is a good boy, the teacher never complains about him, but you... who are you like? ..?Do you recognize yourself? Dear mothers, DO NOT COMPARE your child with other children! The child begins to feel bad, and therefore unloved. As a result, we lose the relationship, which means we lose the child. - Because we are constantly late, in a hurry, running: the minibus will leave, at work the electronic pass will record the delay, the doctor’s certificate will disappear. It is necessaryWe, adults, have to be on time everywhere, get everything, but the child is in no hurry, he is interested in the cat on the windowsill, his uncle with a broom, a candy wrapper in a puddle, a flying butterfly. And we shout. “Get dressed quickly!” Stop talking (watching/playing/laughing/running...)! We'll be late again because of you! And we get irritated, shout, pull, order in order to achieve something faster. - Because we, adults, don’t know how to explain. - Are you stupid/fool? I’ve already explained it to you 20 times! Why doesn’t he understand?! Why does he make the same mistake?! Why can’t I learn to read/write?!.. Why, when I offer him to do something himself, he refuses and starts whining: “I won’t, I don’t want to, I won’t succeed anyway”? There are no bad students! There are teachers who do not know how to explain, who do not know how to find an approach to their child. Dear adults, try again and again, search, descend from the position of instructions and control to the position of play, sincerity, acceptance. - Because we often organize a demonstration performance called: “I am a good mother!” Does the child laugh too loudly, is the child too spontaneous, asks inappropriate questions, is the strict neighbor looking at him askance? They will think that I am not taking care of the child! My grandmother makes a remark to me that her grandson is too sensitive and will grow up to be a “mama’s boy,” and her granddaughter smiles too much, they will think that “she is a fool” and you are a bad mother! I felt ashamed of him and myself, I couldn’t, I didn’t justify it... And we begin a demonstration performance: screams, prohibitions, restrictions. Our goal is not education, our goal is to justify ourselves, to show that we are educating! What about children? Children read our hypocrisy... - Because we live in fear, this fear is constantly fueled by the stories of other mothers, the media, our thoughts, something is bound to happen, scary, terrible, irreparable. And we shout: don’t climb the hill, move away from the swing, don't pet the dog, you won't go for a walk anymore! Don’t come, don’t touch, don’t run, don’t talk, you can’t go there, stand nearby, sit still! It’s easier to give orders than to be constantly afraid! It’s safer this way, but do we allow the child to live and develop, get his fill of problems, learn to make decisions and take responsibility for them? - What about maniacs, pedophiles, man-made dangers? - you ask. - They were and are, but didn’t you go too far with the “don’ts” to please your fears? - We yell at children because we consider them our property, because according to our ideas, mother is always right and disobedience is unacceptable! We feel our power over him. We do not consider it necessary to praise (otherwise we will grow with so much conceit and we will cease to be in authority), we constantly criticize, express our dissatisfaction, blame, and do not think about the consequences, about what we will get in the end. This doesn’t mean that we don’t love the child, we DO, but how? - Why do you call your mother so rarely? Why do you start to get annoyed when she asks for help? - Because I don’t want to do this, because my mother is constantly dissatisfied with something, constantly criticizes, teaches how to live correctly, swears, orders, manipulates, plays out scenes! When a mother does this, an adult often ceases to be an adult and returns to childhood, with everyone: don’t interfere, leave me alone, stand still, bad, fool, who are you on my head!.. When parents scream, children get scared. They perceive the scream as an attack, so they either rush into battle (snarl and scream at us) or run away, trying to physically or emotionally get away from the scream. Tell your child that you will try to control yourself to stop screaming at him, and ask for help you in this. Give him permission to interrupt you when you start yelling. I suggest a kind of pantomime for my daughter - to cover her ears with her hands when I start yelling at her. This is a sign for yourself to command: “STOP”! Dear parents, start with yourself, with your parent-child relationship. And finally, I want to “sweeten the pill” with an anecdote: - Dad, grandpa beat you when you were little - Well, of course. - And grandfather’s dad beat him when he was