From the author: Kozhukh Irina Mikhailovna. How to survive a divorce?[/url]How to survive a separation or divorce? – this is a very difficult question, it is a very complex and often slow process! It's hard to break up, regardless of whether you left or were abandoned. But, when this has already happened - were you told that they don’t love you anymore, don’t want to live with you, don’t want to see you, or something else similar, or did you find the strength to put an end to it, it’s very difficult for both sides. Questions , over which former lovers shed tears, something like this: “Who will say good morning to me?” “Who will now call me beloved?”, “And with whom will I watch romantic films on Saturdays?”, “Who will I rest on the shoulder at night and who will lovingly scold me for taking away all the blanket ?”, “Who will I celebrate the New Year with now?”, “Who will accompany me on the holidays?” and…….. All these questions are similar to those that loved ones pour over their coffins. Yes Yes. Parting is a little death! The main feelings that people experience at this moment are shame, guilt, fear. Parting allows us to draw very important, serious conclusions - both in relation to ourselves and our future. And it’s time to finally understand and admit: the situation of separation is not shameful, not shameful, not humiliating. And we think so! Maybe we don’t understand this, we don’t realize it, but we really think so at the moment when we were abandoned. And from this everything only gets worse, much worse - psychologically. No, breaking up is not shameful, it’s not true. It’s just very, very hard. People who find themselves in such a situation carry a terrible burden of guilt on their shoulders, not always realizing it, but this is almost always the case. They often blame themselves, but, as a rule, not for what, perhaps, they should have done. Most often, it turns out that former lovers feel guilt and shame in front of others (relatives, friends, colleagues) - what they will think, what they will say How will they react? But this, however, is absolutely none of their business—those around them. The couple is going through a tragedy, this is their tragedy, their pain and their guilt before each other. It’s scary, very scary not knowing what will happen tomorrow! Often our loved ones tell us that you are young, smart and beautiful and that you will still have a prince on a white horse in your life! But... an hour, a day, a week passes, he’s gone and you’re already starting to think that this was the only person who agreed to be with you, fat, with a nose, crooked teeth, legs or some other defect. You look at yourself in the mirror and no longer see anything beautiful, you begin to think about changing everything! After all, if only I had straighter legs, a thinner waist, wider hips, pinker cheeks, thicker biceps, thicker hair, etc. etc., then nothing would have happened! But, after all, that’s not the point at all! And when going through a breakup, we need to think not about how we lived before, but about how we should live in the future. At first glance, what’s the problem here? Great trouble! People lived together for several years or met. Then they stopped liking each other - they didn’t get along in character, their interests changed, or they were simply tired of each other, so they separated. In general, no problem, it’s just an everyday matter. Why torture yourself and your fellow sufferer? Of course, it's better to break up. Admit to yourself that you have made a mistake, separate and start your life again. Not a bad plan. But all this is only at first glance. Moreover, only if you yourself have never experienced or experienced anything like this in your life... In reality, divorce and separation are the most severe trauma. This is hell. Perhaps there are other cases that do not affect the soul, but now I’m talking about real feelings. And this misfortune often happens even, as they say in such cases, “against the background of complete well-being.” Therefore, it is important to know what divorce really is and how to get through it without dying, losing yourself or breaking down. We are all different - of course, but with the absolute individuality of eachThe personalities, psychological experiences and reactions of the participants in the drama are usually the same. Divorce is the most severe trauma. You need to be able to survive it. Divorce is not an accident. It is a natural outcome of a long and difficult relationship between two people. And to find out at this moment who is right and who is wrong is a completely useless matter and devoid of any meaning. It is difficult to convey the feeling that a person experiences when he finds out that he has been abandoned. Death. Our whole life is a multitude of very different habits, starting from the habit of buying rye bread and baked milk in the store and drinking coffee with cinnamon every morning while listening to the program “Good Morning, Country.” All these are habits that we have formed under the influence of external circumstances, often with the participation of another, close person. The way you go to work every day is a habit. How you want things to be arranged on your work surface is a habit. The way your husband or wife accompanies you to work and the way you solve problems is a habit! If a friend takes you to work a different way, you will experience discomfort. If your folders are rearranged contrary to established rules, you will experience irritation. If your husband or wife learns something, you will be angry. The nature of these negative emotional reactions is a violation of the usual order of life. For our subcortex, disruption of the usual order of life is synonymous with disaster. “If life has changed, therefore, some new dangers have appeared in it,” this is how our brain reasons. And anxiety appears - the force that an animal needs to get used to new, changed conditions of existence. On the contrary, when “everything returns to normal,” we experience pleasant feelings of calm and tranquility - “well, everything worked out, everything is as before, everything has gotten better..." Having returned to the previous, known, explored up and down reality, our instinct of self-preservation experiences real delight - every path here is familiar to him, every bush has been checked, you can not be afraid of anything and live, breathing deeply. And finally, the third - that next?! Further - emptiness. An absolute, impenetrable, paralyzing, gaping void. After all, the future, our way of thinking about tomorrow, is also a habit. When our life flows measuredly and calmly, we understand where we will find ourselves tomorrow - what will happen, where we will go, what we will say to whom, what we will do. Of course, the future does not exist yet, it is always in our imagination, always hypothetical. It is yet to be, and no one knows what it will really be like. But in our consciousness the future is always there, present “by default”. Yes, we wouldn’t even be able to move if we didn’t “know” what would happen next! There is always a future in our heads. Always. But not now. That’s why, when we learn about divorce or separation, we feel as if we had died. After all, our future is collapsing, it no longer exists. Our sand castle, which we built so hard for many years, is collapsing like a house of cards. Tears are choking. They flow in streams. We want to hide, hide, disappear. And at that very second you want to run somewhere, rush - not making out either the path or the road, not knowing, not seeing, not having the slightest idea of ​​the goal. Just run. Sometimes, right at home, among family and friends, the closest and dearest people, on your sofa, seemingly in warmth and comfort, you don’t know how to live, you’re writhing on this sofa because you can’t you can find a pose, so that you can find such a pose and freeze in it, so that there is such a pose so that at least for some time you don’t feel pain, pain from the fact that you don’t know how to live. And this is such a pain, of which there is so much, it doesn’t fit inside you, and you can’t go to the doctor with this pain, you won’t be able to formulate what hurts. And you can’t explain to anyone, even your closest and dearest, what’s happening. Some kind of soul is there, something hurts... Divorce is a real death, but not of a person and not even of a relationship, but of a “part of the brain.” That part of it where they are stored!