How we play at adults!!! From the diary...confession of a psychologist... I want to share my diary with you, what comes into my head at three in the morning... ...Lying in bed, feeling unwell (I picked up a virus), they began to come to me thoughts... I call this state awareness or discovery of something new in my life... thoughts about how I live, what is happening to me, thoughts about relationships with others. How my interactions with others are structured. My whole life is built in interaction with others and with myself and with God. What would I like to write about and why is my article called “the game of adulthood”... It seemed to me that I had grown up, that I was old enough and making adult enough decisions, conscious ones and nothing from outside influenced them, until I started work on myself And what I saw in my life: I myself grew up in a dysfunctional family, in psychological language, I call such a family dysfunctional, but in order not to “scare” with this word, so complex, I will call dysfunctional and further dysfunction. In my interactions, I saw that when I communicate with a physically adult person, I begin to notice and hear how they compare you: “but she does something like this,” “but he does something like that, and in response to this they don’t come.” pleasant feelings, you seem to shrink from the inside and feel like a complete insignificance. And then the thought comes: “but my mother, and maybe my dad, they compared me with others... And I experienced the same feelings.” after all, so much time has passed, why am I now experiencing the same feelings? And I understand that the troubles of my family have settled in me, and this greatly interferes with my life, but what I decided for myself is that I will learn to understand others. the same in quotes adults who also grew up in a family with a dysfunctional atmosphere and this is not necessarily alcohol. Many say in consultations that mom was a teacher and dad was a military man, dysfunction or dysfunction to one degree or another is present in all families. And it is impossible not to become infected with this, and it goes on from generation to generation. And when a person begins to compare me with others, I suddenly realize that he is also infected with this disadvantage and, unlike me, he does not even realize it. And I have already learned to realize this and will learn to realize it for the rest of my life. And what way out can I offer myself? I understand that I am powerless in the face of this person’s ill-being, since at that moment he is powerless and does not even see it. What can I offer myself in such a situation, so that I don’t get hurt again and so that I don’t fall into the trap of my childhood, and “we all come from childhood,” is to learn to set boundaries.... And many people don’t like it... because who is infected with trouble, he is usually accustomed to violating other people’s boundaries, because he allows his own to be violated. And he does not realize this. When another tells me: “you should do this or you should act like this, or feel so wrong,” then I understand. that a person wants to invade my personal territory, and I say: “Hello, Mr. Control!” I'm still learning how to set boundaries! This is not an easy thing when all your life you have allowed interference on your territory, starting with your parents, but they are gods for the child, and it doesn’t matter whether they are good or bad. ...they are simply gods. Then we bring such relationships into adulthood and into communication with God, whoever understands Him. It is very difficult to build relationships with others, because the dysfunction of your family manifests itself in everything: in relationships with your children, with your husband, and the main thing here that I realized for myself is to learn to set BOUNDARIES. I can’t change someone else and I can’t do anything about my troubles, I’m powerless to change the past and my family, I can influence my present and learn to build BOUNDARIES. Learn to say "NO". This is not easy, sometimes you sweat, and sometimes your blood pressure may rise!!! Why is thisit's so hard to say no! Especially to a superior person, no matter what it concerns. Where does it come from? A hard “no” to a person superior. I remember when my parents fought and quarreled, and at that time they were gods, authorities and superiors for me, I felt fear when my drunken father shouted obscenities and swore, I felt fear when he simply walked up to the door and opened the lock. I felt fear and I learned to be afraid at that moment and now this fear arises again and again when a superior turns to me. But I’m learning to tell myself: “don’t be afraid, I’m with you, because you are no longer that little girl and these are not your parents, you are learning to grow up, right now, right here!” And I'm learning to inspire myself through creativity, through prayer, talking to myself and journaling. Many people around me do not understand me. Why do I become so uncontrollable, so proud, as they think, but on my part this is an attempt to be independent, independent, individual!!! An attempt to learn how to move away from another person’s troubles, an attempt to set boundaries!!! But it can be very difficult for my opponent to accept this and I understand him; sometimes it is also difficult for me to accept this from someone else. I have become very good at controlling other people in my life, as well as allowing others to control me. When my husband is in a bad mood, I feel guilty for it, this guilt is not justified, but it is there. But now, working on myself, I understand that these are not my feelings, I don’t want to merge with his feelings and mood. It is very difficult to realize and come out of this merger. This is my work on myself. Working on yourself in general is very difficult, especially when you don’t know what to work on. I would also like to say about manipulation, it’s all close: control, comparison, manipulation, etc. these are all unhealthy tools of our dysfunctional families. I repeat again that this is not necessarily a family where there was a dependent relative, it could be a family where a loved one was in power and was an authoritative person and it seemed to him that he knew how to act, live, etc. correctly. always talks about it. I often see how my daughter doesn’t close the tube of toothpaste, she just puts the cap next to it, but in our family I didn’t notice this in anyone, at first I told her to close the toothpaste, but then I began to understand that this was manifesting itself in her individuality and perspective on this action. Why did she do it exactly this way, and not in another way? Something inside her encouraged her to do just that and not be like us in this, even though we were one family. I stopped telling her about this, I smile and close this tube of toothpaste. I really want my daughter, who is already to some extent infected by family dysfunction, to grow up to be a more independent and free, creative and confident person. Creativity is inherent in us by the Creator, but for various reasons, it is not realized in full, and sometimes not at all. When I was little, I showed artistic skills, but they were not allowed to develop; my parents had no time for that. My mother did not know what to do with herself, since my father drank very heavily. At first I was angry and blamed them and could not come to terms with the loss of unfulfillment and the fact that my childhood could have been completely different if my parents had not been like that. Now I understand that I am powerless to change anything. I need to accept this loss, cry, grieve and accept. Let go and bury opportunities that are already in the past, so that new opportunities can be born. Let go of the thoughts that my life could have turned out differently, and I could have become this or that at 20-25 years old. Letting go so as not to slow down in the present, because the past no longer exists, and the future never comes. There is always only here and now. This is the time that was given to me in order to do something with my life and change something in myself. Right now... the choice is mine! Let's return to manipulation, this is an unhealthy tool, I also learned to use it. I can see very well when they are trying to manipulate meand I'm learning to build boundaries again and say “no”! And in response, I can hear some kind of confirmation or proof that I am wrong, and when a person behaves like this with me, I understand that he wants to make me comfortable for himself, so that he would feel calm and good, and again “hello "Mr. Control!" There is a lot of control, everywhere and now I see it very well! It’s so veiled, for example, when I don’t want to see my husband in a bad mood, when I want him to be happy and have fun, at that moment I turn on my control over his feelings, it’s more convenient for me when he’s in a good mood, because my mood It still depends on him, I have not yet learned to separate my feelings from his feelings, I am still learning to do this. I'm learning a lot...I'm learning to say "no", I'm learning to see the truth, which helps me free myself and it's not an easy path, but I know that it's the right one for me. It’s strange that my personal path is starting to not suit others and I see how they are trying to return me to the old and convenient for them, especially those close to me, especially my family! But I have the tools to resist it and I enjoy my small victories, like when I set a boundary and say no. And these changes will last a lifetime. And all my life I will accept powerlessness in front of the feelings of other people and in front of my own unpleasant feelings and I will learn to live these feelings, learn to listen to that little person inside me, my inner child, learn to build BOUNDARIES. I will see the dysfunction of the people who communicate with me, their control, manipulation, comparison, and at the same time realize that this is not mine and I can only take care of my own. Protect your own world and learn to live differently. These are the thoughts that came to me at three in the morning. ...I wanted to write them down in my diary. And I would also like to add, the thoughts that come to me now when we live in marriage with men, I will speak for myself: I married a man who grew up in a certain family and this family taught him and showed him a certain reality and it worked out for him a vision of your reality, your picture of the world, and I have it all my own! And when we began to be together, we realized that we had different pictures, or rather, at first we didn’t understand, our pictures collided and were indignant, our realities did not want to coexist side by side, because he had his own vision, but I didn’t have mine at first flexibility in this, and now we are learning to be flexible and set boundaries when one of us violates personal territory, we now have a common world, but in this world there is “I” and there is “You”. He has his own feelings, and I have my own. Why do we quarrel and scandal sometimes, because we don’t want to come to terms with each other’s reality and begin to build a common reality, establish new rules in the family, the dysfunction of our families where we grew up is hampered by the appearance of two adults, but they behave like little ones. children, trying to play out their family relationships and complete them in their adult real family, and even the voice at that moment was changing. I noticed this, how my husband’s voice was changing and how my voice was changing. I realized that I was falling into a past childhood state. I'm just starting to learn how to live like an adult. It makes me very sad to realize that you can live your life without ever growing up, remaining in the state of an adult child. He looks like an adult, but inside he is not... And of course, we need to be in the state of a child so that our creative essence appears, playing with our children, having sex, spending time in pleasure. A little about the state of resentment - this is the state of an offended child. You are offended because you don’t get what you want, everything is not the way you wanted, children like to consider themselves wizards and sorcerers and for children this is normal, but for us adults??? When there is an awareness of who is offended in me now, an understanding comes of whether I need this. I'm very glad that I have this opportunity in life!!!