From the author: First try to understand, and only then try to be understood. Stefan Covey Article published on the website: What causes conflicts in the family? Why don't spouses understand each other? Why do quarrels break out again and again? Why do spouses try to prick and hurt each other more, try to offend? And how to avoid scandals and quarrels, how to regain love and understanding? A few tips on a given topic. 1. When you speak, think about the effect your words will have on your interlocutor. So, you are quarreling, shouting at each other. Stop and think: - Why are you saying this? - What effect will the words have on your interlocutor? - What do you want to convey to him? - What should you say so that your spouse understands you better? 2. Contain anger. If you are irritated, if you cannot calm down, then it is better to postpone the conversation - it will not bring any benefit anyway. Tip: to calm down, you need to take a deep breath and exhale slowly, counting to 10. If it doesn’t help, take a few more breaths in and out until you feel calm. If you feel like you are boiling again, put off the conversation, go to another room, ask your spouse to continue the conversation another time. 3. Talk about our feelings. To do this, you need to learn to understand your feelings, realize and voice them. For example: - I feel offended now... hurt, scared, etc. By talking about our feelings, we do not offend anyone, we call for understanding and sympathy. Why talk about feelings? Doesn’t the interlocutor already see that something is unpleasant for us? Sometimes he really doesn’t see, doesn’t hear and doesn’t understand. Sometimes he interprets our words in his own way. And perceives them as a push, as an attack or disrespect.4. We understand the feelings of the interlocutor. We need to not only talk about our own feelings, but also understand and hear the emotions of our partner. How else? Do you want to be understood? Be prepared to understand, hear and take into account the feelings of your interlocutor. Be prepared for the fact that you could somehow unwittingly offend or offend your spouse. In this case, you should apologize and admit your mistake.5. I am statements. When you talk to your better half, use this rule of communication. It will help maintain peace and tranquility in the family. This is a simple rule, which is to use “I” statements. Those. we talk about ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, impressions and desires. For example: “I want to talk more calmly” or “I don’t like that you go out to drink beer with your friends,” etc. Unlike "You-statements", "I-statements" do not cause a defensive, defensive, or aggressive reaction and do not lead to an increase in conflict. 6. Know how to say “no” without offending your spouse. The ability to defend your opinion, maintain self-esteem without offending another is an important quality. It will help you to be in a good mood, it will help you not to suffer from the fact that you are doing what you don’t want and living in a way that you don’t want at all.7. You want to prove something - why? The quarrel has long ceased to be constructive. Think about it, why are you quarreling? Maybe you're bored? Maybe you want to prove something to each other? Or win at any cost? Or maybe you want to say something different? What?8. If your spouse does not hear your feelings, does not take them into account, then think: why do you need such a relationship? For more details, see the Free video course: SAVE LOVE. Rules for Conflict-Free Communication in the Family