From the author: From the materials of a speech at the “Family” conference, December, 2003. “Not a child, but a punishment!” or who can understand a teenager. “Why wasn’t I told that my child had grown up? “, - the king shouted in the old film “Cinderella, - That’s it, I’m leaving for the monastery!” Indeed, sometimes you want to run away from the problems that arise when a child grows up. Popular wisdom says: “Little children are little troubles,” “Little children don’t let you sleep, but with big ones you can’t sleep.” It’s probably easy for you to remember what changes happened to your children when they turned 11-12 years old. Perhaps your communication with them has changed a lot? What's the matter? The older the child, the more difficulties await the parents. It seemed like just yesterday he was obedient and calm, but today he is already snapping at his parents, doesn’t want to wear last year’s clothes, and is making friends with some suspicious individuals. Moreover, he began to come home late, reacts angrily to comments, listens to music so much that his ears are blocked, and the music... Nonsense and cacaphony! And so on and so forth. Each parent may well add to this list. But if you take a closer look at the problems that arise in many families when a child enters adolescence, it turns out that all problems have their own pattern. This pattern is called the crisis of adolescence. The crisis begins at the age of 11-13 and continues until approximately 15-16 years. And all these years, both adults and children have been accompanied by difficulties. We started talking about how difficult it is for parents when their child turns into a teenager. But we said nothing about what it was like for the child himself at this time. But this is precisely the most important thing. It is not at all easy for a child, and sometimes even unbearable, what happens to him. He wants to be friendly and angry, he wants to be strong and slim, but he can’t bring himself to do exercises, he wants to be cheerful and charming, but in reality he is gloomy and, excuse me, pimply. And how can he live with this? And then parents attack with their upbringing and nagging. And he feels sick of himself. To understand a child, it doesn’t hurt parents to know something about how their child grows and develops. Firstly, it is advisable to remember more often what you were like at that age. Some parents forget themselves so much in adolescence that it seems to them that they have always been adults, smart and knew how to live correctly. Secondly, parents who are interested in their child can learn a lot of interesting things about what changes are taking place in his body and psyche. This information can be easily found in many popular books: Dee Snyder “Survival Course for Teenagers”, Gippenreiter “Communicate with a Child. How?”, Homentauskas “Family through the eyes of a child”, E. Murashova “Understanding a child”, L. Fesyukova “The Art of Being Parents” and others. Interesting and useful literature will help loving parents figure out what is happening to their child and how to help him and themselves. Thirdly, you can seek help from psychologists who will be able to explain what is happening without traumatizing either the children or the parents. Fourthly, try to reconsider your parenting style, since what was reasonable with young children is not suitable for adults. And finally, fifthly, look at your child not as your continuation or appendage, not as an object for exercises in education, but as an independent and independent person. After all, your life is not a springboard for military action - “who will win”, but a field for joint affairs, friendly conversations and the desire to understand your child. When talking about the relationship between parents and children, it is important not to miss the point that different families have their own parenting style. It determines the personal development of a teenager, his relationships with parents and other people. Why parents choose one or another parenting style is a very important topic. We can talk about it another time. In the meantime, I would like to introduce you to different parenting styles. Perhaps someone will recognize themyourself... I hope that this knowledge will allow you to think and change something in your relationship with your teenager. Democratic parenting style. Parents value both independence and discipline in a teenager’s behavior. They themselves give him the right to be independent, without infringing on his rights , but at the same time require the fulfillment of responsibilities. Control based on warm feelings and reasonable concern usually does not irritate the adolescent too much; he often listens to his parents' explanations of why he shouldn't do one thing and why he should do something else. The formation of adulthood in such relationships occurs without special experiences and conflicts. Authoritarian parenting style. Parents demand unquestioning obedience from the teenager and do not believe that they must explain to him the reasons for their instructions and prohibitions. They control all areas of life, but do not always do it correctly. In such cases, children withdraw and their communication with their parents is disrupted. Sometimes, in defense of his adulthood, a child puts a lock on the door of his room. But more often, children of authoritarian parents adapt to the style of family relationships and become unsure of themselves, less independent and less morally mature than their peers who enjoy more freedom. The situation becomes more complicated when authoritarianism is combined with cold emotionality. A complete loss of contact is inevitable here. An even more difficult case is indifferent and cruel parents. Children from such families rarely treat others with trust, have difficulty communicating, and are often cruel themselves, although they feel the need for love. The permissive position of parents. This is also an unfavorable option for family relationships. Teenagers are allowed to do whatever they want, they are not interested in their affairs. Such permissiveness relieves parents of responsibility for the actions of their children. And teenagers, no matter how much they rebel, need care and support from their parents. They need a model of adult and responsible behavior to follow. Overprotective parents. Parental love is an absolutely necessary, but not sufficient condition for the successful development of a teenager. Excessive care for the child, excessive control over his life, based on close emotional contact leads to passivity and lack of independence. Mothers who see their child as the only meaning of their life are usually prone to overprotection. Such excessive care and closeness become a brake on the development of both mother and child. Difficulties also arise when parents place excessively high demands on their child. They expect their child to be exactly what they would like. For example: a child is required to have brilliant success in school, or to demonstrate any talents; either the adored child must be with mom and dad all the time, or he must follow the path chosen by his parents through life. Thus, parents try to realize their own unfulfilled dreams. The teenager’s wishes, and especially his views on life, are not taken into account. I would like to ask an absurd question: will you have mutual understanding in this case? Conflicts arise when demands are inconsistent, when a teenager is expected to behave like a child: “what can you decide for yourself!?.”, “first grow up, and then express your opinion!” ..”, “It’s too early to go out before 11!..”; then adult independence: “you’re not little anymore, you should understand it yourself...”, “why do I, as a little one, have to remind you of everything?..”, “you’re already an adult, and you yourself are responsible for your actions...” Contradictory upbringing has a bad effect on family relationships. Parents need to decide in which cases they see a child in a teenager, and in which - an adult, and share their thoughts with him. It is also important for a son or daughter to know what his parents expect from him and what he (or she) can give them. Here the most valuable thing is the agreement of the parties. Relationships with adults are the most important aspect of the life of adolescents. If the need for full communication with adults is not.