Apologies can be a great way to repair a relationship, as long as they are sincere. Often expectations from an apology are not met, but only make the situation worse. Why? These are the most common mistakes we make when we want to ask for forgiveness. 1. Too short “Quarrel” By simply blurting out the word “sorry”, you are not expressing regret or repentance, but are trying to get rid of it as soon as possible. Especially if the short, reflexive apology is accompanied by an eye roll and a deep sigh. This form of asking for forgiveness sends the opposite message: “I’m sorry, but only because I don’t want to mess with you. I just want to get rid of you as soon as possible.” "Sorry, okay?" - this is another form of a too short formal apology, by this you are saying “I don’t care how you feel, but I did my job, the formality has been observed and you have nothing to show me.” 2. “I’m very sorry, but...” When you insert “BUT” after an apology, it completely negates what was said. You “sort of” apologized, BUT you are already ready to go on the attack. This “BUT” is always followed by a justification of one’s action and an attempt to evoke a feeling of guilt in the interlocutor. In general, this is the favorite verbal form of narcissistic abuse: “Sorry, BUT now I will explain to you how wrong you are that you dare to be offended by me.”3. “I'm so sorry for how you feel...” Another good example of how an apology can become an accusation. Instead of talking about his feelings and admitting a wrong action, the apologizer focuses on the feelings of the “offended” and tries to show their stupidity and inappropriateness. “I’m very sorry for how you feel...” implies that your interlocutor did not correctly assess the situation and began to feel incorrectly; instead of being offended, he would need to understand you, or even start having fun.4. “Sorry, as always, it’s all my fault.” This is a clever manipulation. Pretend to be a “dude” and a loser from whom there is nothing to take and be stupidly offended. Children especially often use this trick, but when an adult begins to behave this way, it’s worth thinking about. Once you apologize like that, it seems that the person apologizing needs consolation. How can you be offended by a person who is so unlucky in life? 5. A lot of apologies “Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry...” Isn’t it enough to ask for forgiveness once, well, a couple of times? If you turn the apology machine on repeat, it completely erases its meaning. This shifts the focus of caring about the other person's feelings to irritation. It seems like you want to force the answer, “Okay, I forgive you.” It takes inner strength and courage to admit when we have made a mistake and done something that hurts others. A sincere apology can make us feel vulnerable because we are admitting failure rather than trying to look good. There is also a risk that the other person will not accept our apology. Here are some tips on how to offer a sincere apology that shows you care about the other person: Apologize as soon as possible to prevent resentment from building up. Start with the word “I.” Mention specifically actions that you regret. Acknowledge the impact of your actions on the other person. Describe what you plan to do to prevent the problem from happening again, and how you plan to correct the situation or move forward for the better. Read more of my articles on the Yandex Zen channel “The Trap for cockroaches»