A decrease in the sexual activity of a husband (friend) often turns out to be an unpleasant circumstance for a woman. Finding themselves in this situation, most women make serious mistakes, rushing to three extremes: – The first women begin to reproach the man for his weakness, demand his greater activity in the form of an ultimatum, which is why the relationship in the couple seriously deteriorates, and intimacy is most often never restored. – The second women (according to the author’s observation, most of the wives) treat the deterioration of intimate life with understanding, begin to feel sorry for their husband, believing that he is somehow sick “like a man” or has entered an early male menopause. Accordingly, they themselves stop being active in bed. Intimate life decreases further and further. It is all the more painful for some wives to then find out that “on the side” everything is working out great for their husband... – Still others take lovers, as is typical for women, fall in love with them, do stupid things and destroy their own family and life. Meanwhile, if we exclude such The simplest explanations for the decrease in male sexual activity in the family are: chronic alcoholism (drug addiction, gambling addiction); the presence of severe health problems (especially those associated with age over fifty), including developing depression; the presence of serious problems in life (at work , in business, in finance, etc.); – the presence of a husband with a mistress; – everyday inconveniences (crowded living with children or other relatives); – some serious conflicts between spouses over something not directly related to the sphere intimacy (scandals due to jealousy, because of children, relatives, etc., etc.) ... then the decline in male sexual activity is usually associated with one of four reasons: - firstly, with the loss of male interest to that familiar sexual object that a wife is for a husband; - secondly, with the emergence in a man of the feeling that his woman has noticeably surpassed him in mental, volitional, financial or career terms (in general in terms of social status); - thirdly , with excessive “domestication” in the behavior of the wife, when she becomes so good, “her own” and “tame,” “sexually correct” and predictable that she no longer causes anything (or almost nothing) in her man except boredom; – fourthly , if over the years of marriage or relationship a woman has not been able to accept men’s sexual needs and expectations in full, for some reason of her own (moral, etc.) or without even thinking about it, she has not been able to give him the types or elements of intimate life that he expected. My books such as “Sex with a man: a book for a real woman”, “Quarrels around sex: the search for an intimate compromise with men” are devoted to the consideration of all these difficulties in the intimate life of married couples. In the framework of this article, I will focus on reason No. 2, which I define as “sexual cooling due to the personal growth of one of the partners” or, as they usually talk about it in special psychological literature, about the negative reflection in the sexual sphere of the fact that someone Some of the partners have outgrown each other socially, financially or intellectually. The main point of this conversation will be to convey to my dear readers the following author's observation: Despite the fact that ladies are sincerely convinced that their personal achievements evoke respect and admiration among their men, in fact this often irritates men and often becomes the cause of sexual cooling between partners. However, first things first. General considerations You probably know what it means to “outgrow your partner socially and intellectually”: in any case, at least half of those men and women who decide to break off their love relationships or file for divorce, in They talk about this as the main reason for making their decision: that they have become bored and uninterested in living with that person who cannot achieve anything in life, who has no prospects. OnceSo, this means understanding that a noticeable difference in the social status of partners is one of the significant reasons for the destruction of love and family relationships in modern Russian society is already clearly present. The following is usually included in this concept: The social superiority of one partner over another is such a conscious increase in the career or financial status of a man or woman in relation to his partner in love or family relationships, because of which one of the partners (or both person) begin to experience such obvious psychological discomfort from communication or living together, as a result of which a person (both spouses) may make some decision (impulsive or rational) that maintaining this relationship is no longer advisable and significantly interferes with further social and intellectual growth. Of course, It is very difficult to squeeze into any definition (as well as into many others) all the diversity of life and love-family nuances. As a practicing psychologist, it is absolutely clear to me that the concept of social superiority, in addition to the standard job promotion of one of the partners or a noticeable strengthening of the financial independence of only one member of the couple, can be understood as at least three more of the following situations: Situation No. 1. The partners immediately, initially, were very noticeably different in their social (they come from different social environments), financial or career status, but they realized this quite late: only after years after the start of their love or family relationship, a special love the behavioral program gradually switched off, the love veil came off from the eyes of the man and woman (love rose-colored glasses syndrome) and they one day: - firstly, realized that they were deeply different from each other; - and secondly, they found out that the socially more lagging side does not show any special desire to increase his social status: get the necessary education, start working more, show disruptive qualities for promotion and to increase earnings; thirdly, the socially higher party realized that he no longer wants to wait any longer, When will the lagging partner become more successful? Situation No. 2. The partners immediately, initially very noticeably differed in their social (they come from different social environments), financial or career status, they immediately realized this, but until a certain point in time they deliberately behaved in such a way that the difference in clothing, behavior, thinking and social environment was in no way (or almost in no way) captured by the relationship partner and, accordingly, did not negatively affect his (her) self-esteem. And such reasonable and loving behavior continued until the situation was crushed by the social pressure of one of the partners: his (her) social environment once declared such a sharp protest about the presence next to this person of his partner from another environment (lower or higher) that maintaining a relationship with this person began to interfere with a successful life, and ending the existing relationship and creating a connection with a socially closer successful person would ensure such a rise to the top that all this would be worth seriously thinking about... And the fact that this type of behavior is often called “treacherous”, essentially does not change anything: people always tend to strive for a better life and for the sake of this they will always get rid of those whom they consider “social ballast”, even if these people were once strongly loved if joint children were born from this union... Situation No. 3. Partners in love or family relationships come from the same social and educational environment, work in approximately the same status and earn comparable amounts, but one of them: – or makes a very great conscious effort to look very good (and the standard appearance is always the basis for successful dating, a kind of pass to higher social platforms), butpartner - not very much; - or strives to increase his educational and intellectual level, but the partner ignores this area and therefore, in relation to the level of his loved one, objectively gradually grows downwards; - or shows a clear volitional impulse regarding the fact that in the future he (a ) must necessarily move to a higher social level, but the less ambitious partner does not need any of this and he (s) is quite satisfied with the existing low status. And that’s why one day a split occurs between spouses. Let’s continue our conversation. Understanding now that the term “social superiority of one partner over another” or the social outgrowing of one partner by another does not actually convey the full complexity of this simultaneously love-family and social phenomenon, you can use either it or the term that I personally use : a broader term is the personal growth of one of the partners in a love (family) relationship in comparison with the other partner (and it, in my opinion, includes growth in career and mental and financial and volitional and social). So now, being firmly confident that you understand all this, I can introduce you to the data of one of my surveys. This was a survey of the same men and women (both two thousand people of the widest age categories were surveyed), on three questions close to each other: Question No. 1. “How do you feel about the fact that your loved one (husband, wife) will look better than you in appearance?” Question No. 2. “How do you feel about the fact that your loved one (husband, wife) will become much more intelligent and more educated than you?” Question No. 3. “How do you feel about the fact that your loved one (husband, wife) will earn significantly more than you?” And the data from these surveys (they are somewhat rounded) turned out to be as follows: Results of survey No. 1 among men To my question “How do you feel about so that your loved one (wife) will look better than you in appearance?” the voices of the men I surveyed were divided as follows: - about 30% of men are practically indifferent to improving the appearance and clothing of their other half; - 30% of men will only be happy about this; - 20% of men are wary of this, because they are either afraid of losing their lady due to the fact that someone else may turn their attention to her, or they suspect that the improvement in her appearance hides the already accomplished fact of betrayal; - 13% of men openly oppose this and believe that everyone in their couple should look approximately the same; - 7% of men are convinced that in their couples and families the prerogative to look their best belongs only to themselves and improving the appearance of a lady categorically does not suit them. Results of survey No. 1 among women To my question “How do you feel about so that your loved one (husband) will look better than you in appearance?” the voices of the girls and women I surveyed were divided as follows: - almost 45% of the ladies believe that this is how it should be and if it does not come at the expense of their own appearance, they personally will be very happy about it: firstly, they want to be proud of their men, secondly, they believe that the excellent appearance of their husbands will contribute to the success of their husbands and they will be able to earn more for the family), thirdly, they are sure that their husbands are simply supposed to look good, since they are normal men; – about 40% of ladies are very wary of this, since they assume that this “spreading of the tail” is either intended to attract the attention of some potential competitor, or is carried out at someone’s direct request and under someone’s leadership; – 10% of the ladies surveyed, fundamentally believe that only they themselves should be the brightest in their couples and families and are dissatisfied with the brightness of their husbands; - only 5% of ladies do not have any clear opinion on this issue or they are simply indifferent to how they look friends or husbands; Processing data from survey No. 1: Comparing data onsurvey No. 1 among women and men, we see the following: If among men a whole third (30%!!!) is practically indifferent to the issue of improving the appearance of their lady, then among girls and women there are only 5%! That is, Ladies are almost six times more sensitive to improving the appearance of their men than men are to improving the appearance of their beloved women and wives. Now do you understand why your own men so rarely compliment you? Yes, simply because after the successful end of the courtship period and turning you into “theirs,” they no longer pay as much attention to your appearance as you would like. And they begin to look towards completely different women... 30% of men and 45% of girls and women are openly happy about the improvement in the appearance of their partners. Accordingly: Ladies are 1.5 times better about improving the appearance of their men than they are about the flourishing of their ladies' wives or girlfriends. And this is understandable: men's appearance, in the opinion of the ladies, is the same icebreaker that will break various life barriers and helping the one who is behind the back of this icebreaker man to feel better. About 40% of men and almost 50% of girls and women are wary or negative about improving their partner’s appearance. Does this mean that ladies are more jealous and more possessive than men? Undoubtedly! In the mirror of mass statistics, ladies turn out to be clearly more jealously wary than their men. However, this is quite normal: fearing the loss of their man who has become more attractive, ladies subconsciously, at the genetic level, fear not only for themselves, but also for their children. And the fact that we most often hear about male jealousy is explained quite simply: - men are confident that, unlike their ladies, they can show their jealousy (including publicly); - men are most often independent of their wives and girlfriends financially; - due to the fact that men have a less developed sense of responsibility for children, men are not afraid to quarrel in the family. But respected ladies are most often afraid to express their jealousy in words or actions... In summary, we have the following: In general, ladies more sensitively and quickly notice an improvement in their partner’s appearance than we see from men. At the same time, the number of ladies who are inclined to welcome the personal growth of their partner specifically in the area of ​​improving his appearance, rather than to be sad about this, is still much larger in absolute numbers (1.5 times). And this means that in real life everything is about the same: Ladies rejoice at the increase in the presence of their men much more and more often than their men at the increase in the external effectiveness of their wives and girlfriends. Note: except for those cases when the girl was very pretty before the wedding. In this case, many men, for whom the ambiance of such an accessory to their success as a model wife is very important, may demand that she lose weight and quickly return to her original beautiful state after the birth of a child. And a girl’s slowness on this path can cause the same tension in her relationship with her husband as a sharp improvement in the appearance of that wife, who at the time of marriage was an ordinary average woman. Indeed, in this case, male pride will take a different, opposite form - the husband will understand that for the possession of such a newly formed beauty he will have to compete with those other men who were not interested in her before, when she was a “gray neck”. And for this fight he may not have enough character, money or influence. Therefore, it is most correct to strike a preemptive blow not at the surrounding men, but at the wife herself - to return her to a nondescript state again. And no matter how sad this may sound, in some cases this can allow the family to exist happily ever after. Of course, a mature woman will never see Paris or Dubai with a wealthy lover, but she will not go through the set of sufferings that most lovers expect. Who wants what?quiet family happiness or extreme passions, women themselves choose. However, let’s not dwell on this for now and move on. Results of survey No. 2 among men To my question “How do you feel about the fact that your loved one (wife) will become much more intelligent and more educated than you? The voices of the men I interviewed were divided as follows: - about 35% of men honestly and directly stated that this would irritate them greatly; - about 30% of men said that they were completely indifferent; - about 20% of men expressed their doubts that this will be generally possible, since their own intellectual level is at such a height that their wives-friends will not reach it simply physically; - only 15% of men assumed or were firmly convinced that they would treat such personal growth of their second half are only positive. Results of survey No. 2 among women To my question “How do you feel about the fact that your loved one (husband) will become much more intelligent and more educated than you?” The voices of the girls and women I interviewed were divided as follows: - about 55% of the ladies reacted extremely positively to this; - about 25% of the ladies thought that this was not bad in principle, but still it would be much better if the partners were all are still equal to each other in intelligence, education and upbringing; - about 15% of the ladies thought that this might irritate them. But only if their men begin to specifically emphasize their mental superiority; - again, only about 5% of women said that they do not care. Processing data from survey No. 2: Comparing data from survey No. 2 among women and men, we see: Among respected girls and women, there are only 5% of those who are indifferent to the personal growth of their partner in the field of intelligence and education, but among men there are as many as 30%! From here we can draw the following conclusion: Ladies value the intelligence and education of their chosen ones much higher (almost 6 times!) than their men value the intelligence and education of their girlfriends and wives. However, I don’t think that I surprised you very much with these data. You yourself know that women always look at the behavior of their new acquaintance, evaluate his intelligence, his speech and everything he says, but men always strive to look only at women’s legs and busts... By the way, this is an increased respect for women’s education in This may also (among other reasons) explain the increased presence of girls in the country’s universities. They are not afraid to learn, including because, unlike men, they value a person’s intelligence and intellect much higher. Plus, it is universities that are incubators for breeding those most intelligent and educated husbands that respected girls dream of! And this is also important! To our great regret, we see that only 15% of men have a positive attitude towards the intellectual and cultural growth of their girlfriend or wife! And this despite the fact that the number of girls and women satisfied with the growth of their partner’s intelligence reaches almost 55%!!! That is, Girls and women are almost 4 times more likely than men to rejoice at the intellectual and cultural growth of their other halves. To be honest, this makes me personally, as a psychologist and a person, very sad. But what especially saddens me in this survey is something else, namely: Despite the fact that only 15% of girls and women (that is, one lady out of six) are IRRITATE towards the significant “wisenering and cultivation” of their partner (that is, one lady out of six), among men there are as many as 35 %! (every third man). And if we add to these 35% of men the 20% of those who engage in open narcissism and generally do not even admit the thought that their ladies can intellectually grow up to them, in fact we have 15% of ladies and as much as 55% of men! That is, if only one woman out of six has a negative attitude towards the intellectual growth of her partner, then out of six men there will be three or four of them! And that's actually quitesad...Men are three times worse about the intellectual superiority of their wives and girlfriends than women are about the intellectual superiority of their partners. All this once again confirms the correctness of the thesis that men run away from very smart ladies, but ladies, on the contrary, strive to possess smart men : after all, such people will produce smarter offspring, and in life they may turn out to be much more successful than those who could not even get a secondary education... And all this would be very sad if we didn’t have even more sad results of survey No. 3. Results of survey No. 3 among men To my question: “How do you feel about the fact that your loved one (wife) will earn significantly more than you?” the voices of the men I interviewed were divided as follows: - about 50% (!!!) of men openly admitted that for them, as representatives of the stronger sex, this is essentially offensive; - about 20% of men said that they do not attach any importance to this of particular significance; - about 15% of men expressed their displeasure about this, but at the same time admitted that such a thing (or at least parity in salary level) might be possible in some short periods of life, when things are not going well for the men themselves well; - about 10% also reacted generally positively to the higher earnings of their other half than themselves (but only if they were faithful to them and did not go “to the left”!); - 5% of the men I surveyed We still couldn’t decide on our personal position on this issue. Results of survey No. 3 among women To my question “How do you feel about the fact that your loved one (husband) will earn significantly more than you?” The voices of the girls and women I interviewed were divided as follows: - about 40% of the ladies are sincerely glad if their friends or husbands earn more than themselves: there is someone to pay for their leisure time and life itself, if they go on maternity leave, there is someone to bring money to the house, yes and having a rich and successful man is still much more prestigious than having some mediocre one; - about 30% of ladies would still like the level of earnings among men and women (at least specifically in their couples) to be approximately the same; - about 20% of the ladies honestly admitted that they would still like to receive a little more than their own men and this is where they see the basis for the development of their female independence and individuality; - about another 10% of the ladies said that they do not attach importance to this the issue has no special significance and they don’t think about it at all. Processing data from survey No. 3: Comparing the data from survey No. 3, we see depressing: 40% of those ladies who have a positive attitude towards their men getting more than they do themselves, there are only 10% of men who are inclined to take the same approach to life. For 20% of ladies who are inclined to be independent due to the fact that their salary will be greater than that of their man, there are again only 10% of men who are ready to do this accept the situation and get less! (True, there are another 20% of men who, according to them, do not attach much importance to this, but as a practitioner, I still very much doubt their sincerity!) Those ladies who want to be financial leaders in their families have almost half the number of such men who would be willing to agree to this! Only 15% of men account for 30% of women who believe that men and women should receive approximately comparable incomes. And this is also a big problem. Moreover, the problem is no longer just any individual family, but the whole society as a whole. There are even half as many supporters of equal wages among men as among women! So, the tendency of men towards equality with women is, in fact, half as much as among women ...While 40% of ladies are openly happy about the financial success of their partners, 50% of men are immediately sincerely upset because they can receive less than their ladies! And if to this 50% we add 15% of those men who are ready to tolerate financial equality or female financial superiorityonly short periods of their lives, it turns out that: Two-thirds of men (65%) assess the personal growth of their ladies in the area of ​​strengthening their independent financial well-being with varying degrees of HOSTILITY. Now let’s summarize the conclusions of all three of our surveys: General survey results From survey No. 1 we We found out that the number of girls and women who are more inclined to welcome the personal growth of their partner specifically in the area of ​​improving his appearance, rather than to be sad about this, in absolute numbers is much greater (1.5 times) than the number of the same men. That is, Ladies perceive the personal growth of their men in the area of ​​improving their appearance positively much more often than men are happy about the improvement in the appearance of their ladies. From survey No. 2, we found out that: Despite the fact that ladies are almost 4 times more likely than men to be happy intellectual and cultural growth of their other halves, men themselves usually have a NEGATIVE attitude towards the intellectual superiority of their wives and girlfriends. And from survey No. 3 we learn that: Despite the fact that the majority of women positively assess the higher earnings of their partners, two-thirds of men (65 %) assess the personal growth of their women in the area of ​​increasing their income and career growth with varying degrees of HOSTILITY. It turns out that thanks to these surveys we will learn two things: - firstly, in general, it has become completely clear to us that: Personal and social growth Ladies most often only greet their partner, but men are almost always very irritated by this. Secondly, we can even draw a diagram of the irritable reaction of representatives of the stronger sex to the fact that the weaker sex strives to have equal rights with them to the possibility of their superiority at least in some areas of life. So from our surveys it became clear that: Men may well experience the more impressive appearance of their other halves, they are already annoyed by ladies trying to surpass them intellectually and are already completely intolerant of the fact that ladies can receive a much higher salary than theirs (income ). But now, knowing that a significant part of men (but of course, not all!) perceive the personal (and, of course, social) growth of their wives and girlfriends quite negatively, you and I must remember: A negative mood and a depressed state of mind is always an overwhelming factor for human sexuality. Remember the advertising that puts pressure on the male subconscious: “Pay your taxes and everything will be fine in your sex!” Of course, everything will be fine: when there is no psychological pressure on you, your interest in life (and especially in its sexual sphere), of course, will only increase. And when something constantly stresses you psychologically, it always affects the sphere of intimacy extremely unfavorably. And in general, how can you really want to have sex with someone who is unpleasant to you, whose successes irritate you, hit your vanity and make you feel like -unsuccessful and even inferior? Of course he can't! That is why (returning to the main topic of this chapter), it’s time to say: many men don’t even want to engage in intimate games with those of their wives and girlfriends who in some ways become more socially successful than them, surpass them in the area of ​​personal growth... Already having In the hands of the data from my three surveys, the results of which we have just analyzed in order to confirm their adequacy to the love-family-sexual reality, the author asked another direct question to five hundred men and five hundred women. The question was: What do your partner’s personal successes mean to you: do they sexually attract you or sexually repel you? And the answers to it turned out to be as follows (data slightly rounded): Results of a survey of girls and women - about 78% of the girls and women surveyed said that the personal success of their partner (especially in the field of career and finance) definitely attracts them sexually and stimulates them to be more attentive to your man (including greater attention to sexual needssuch successful men); - 15% of the girls and women surveyed also admitted that the success of their partners increases their sexual significance for them, but only if these men (who become more successful) do not behave too arrogantly. At the same time, all the ladies in this group admitted that the successes of their partners sometimes even frighten them a little, since they admit that successful men are especially prone to cheating. And other competitive ladies begin to be drawn to such men as bees to honey... - about 7% of the ladies surveyed either could not decide on their position in life, or reported that their sexual attraction to their partner does not depend at all on his life successes or failures. – none of the girls and women I interviewed expressed their negative attitude towards the success of their partner... The results of the survey of men – about 60% of the men surveyed honestly admitted that the personal successes of their wives or girlfriends (especially in the field of career and finance) can be sexual stimulants only in some individual ONE-TIME situations (such as defending a dissertation, receiving gratitude from management, a bonus or a trip, etc.). But if this female success is stable and constant, if it leads to the equalization of a woman with her man or even increases her status relative to him, this definitely becomes a powerful sexually repulsive factor, reduces male sexual attraction to this lady and plunges him into sad thoughts about why life is so poorly organized and why society values ​​him so little. In addition, the success of wives or girlfriends is guaranteed to provoke men’s fears about whether this success was caused by some of their intimate services in relation to management, leading to jealousy and an increase in mistrust and suspicion in relationships (family). And what good sex is that...; - about 22% of men surveyed said that their sexual attraction to their ladies, the successes or defeats of the latter in some life situations do not affect them at all: no matter how the situation develops, they want them about the same; - only 16 % of surveyed men are firmly convinced that the high success of their wives or girlfriends almost always increases their desirability, and these men themselves are morally ready to respond to women’s achievements in life by clearly increasing their male attention to them; - only 2% of surveyed men could not decide on your position on the question he asked. Last comparison of the chapter As it seems to me, there is no need to analyze anything specifically. In fact, you and I have two completely different pictures of the world, two opposing worldviews that exist side by side. The successes of men most often attract women sexually, but the successes of women almost always repel men sexually. There is no doubt that all this is connected with the initial distribution of status roles that took place in nature. Women were genetically regulated by Mother Nature so that they always sought the protection of the most successful male, but the male felt psychologically comfortable only if he completely dominated those around him, the members of his herd (clan group, production team, etc.) .d.), especially over his sexual partner. Hence, our current situation can be characterized approximately like this: All hopes that the development of modern society and the increasing role of women in it will be able to somehow rebuild interpersonal and intimate relationships between the sexes in some way that suits them mutually, are so far completely in vain. The genetic nature of men staunchly resists changes in life and an increase in the status of women in it, including a decrease in male sexual desire in relation to successful women. In this sense, we can say this: any changes in the personal and social status of partners immediately affect their sexual life. But if men's success only increases their sexualattractiveness for ladies, then the success of the ladies themselves immediately repels strong men from them and attracts only weaklings, gigolos and those male parasites who strive to achieve their success primarily through the exploitation of successful women, through parasitism on their successes. Accordingly: The success of a woman is almost guaranteed to doom her either to love, family and sexual loneliness, or to periodic replacement by those strong men who simply cannot withstand her for long, or to communication and life with a weak man. Moreover: Rejoicing successes of their women, men at the same time strive to cheat on them with some... unsuccessful, financially dependent on them, psychologically weaker and therefore... more feminine and sexually attractive. And all this because, cheating on strong, successful ladies with weaker ladies and unsuccessful (and even just with such very young lady students who simply have not yet had time to succeed in life), men seem to morally compensate for the loss of awareness of their importance, in comparison with the successful women around them, psychologically, as it were, rehabilitate themselves, unload themselves and again are able to feel like men. That is, when a man cannot be strong simply because there is a stronger and more successful lady nearby, he is almost guaranteed to strive to feel strong at least in comparison with a lady who is weaker, not so successful and (preferably) at least in some way dependent on him. At the same time, I would really like my dear readers: – firstly, in no way to think that I am against women’s success: On the contrary! Personally, I support the growth of women's success with only two hands! (If I had a third hand, I would vote with all three!) - secondly, they didn’t think that everything described and analyzed by me was so fatal, that successful women were simply doomed to personal problems and chronic sexual dissatisfaction; - thirdly, not would get angry at the men around them (their husbands). In fact, everything is not as bad as it might seem to you at first! Just as a timely diagnosis of a particular disease is not in itself a disease (or something fatal) and is intended only to stimulate and motivate the patient to prompt correct treatment, so is the common sense understanding of respected girls and women that their social success and personal growth hinder rather than help them in creating successful love, family and intimate relationships, they should simply teach them to understand life exactly as it really is (without rose-colored glasses, myths and illusions) and force them to take more meaningful actions . Including those that will lead to an increase in their sexual attractiveness. And we’ll talk about all this in practical recommendations. Practical recommendations First. Be a realistic lady! From my point of view as a practicing psychologist, knowing everything that we just talked about above should mean the following: Growing girls aged 18-23 should at least understand themselves better and more or less clearly decide with what kind of life path they want to take: the path of a housewife who is going to be completely dependent on her husband (or lover) financially, but precisely because of this, he will always like him sexually (of course, if she also begins to follow with her figure and will not be stupid); - the path of a “below average” woman who will work all her life at a machine or at a stove and will simply be doomed in advance to an eternal struggle with the drunkenness of the same husband from the “below average” category, watching soap series, bad understanding the life around her and investing all her strength and resources in that child who will become the whole meaning of her female existence; - the path of the average woman who achieves average results in life will never aspire to occupy leadership positions, but most likely will be married most of all once and until death; - the patha successful business lady or a female administrator who will want to communicate and marry stronger men (whom she will want to respect), but whom she will regularly scare away with her success and will eventually lose her marriage one day. And then she will either change partners all the time, or will take under her strong hand some mediocre man (or gigolo), who will become her more or less permanent life partner; - the path of a woman scientist or “nerd teacher”, who will not be able to rebuild her personal and sexual life simply because she will be completely absorbed in something else and therefore her sexual energy will be sublimated, flow into some other direction (which is beautifully described by Sigmund Freud); - some other path. For example, the path of a creative woman with many marriages with equally creative men, the path of a female police officer with an almost standard suspicious and contemptuous attitude towards her husband and administrative habits in the family, etc. etc.).It is based on what they would like to see in their future life that ladies will have to decide on their personal algorithm for love-sexual-intimate relationships. Let's say, for ladies who are clearly focused on successfully building their independent careers, getting married before the age of 27-30 is simply pointless: having achieved a certain success in life, such ladies will either: - outgrow their husbands (who were once older than them and seemed very successful to them ), they will be disappointed in them and divorce them; - either they themselves will become uninteresting to those of their husbands who will also strive to be successful and socially grow somewhere upward; - or they will generally understand that the family is not their profile, hand over the children to nannies and concentrate at their job, of course, having lost their husband. Accordingly, it is better for them to find a husband only after becoming someone in life, having formed as a person and clearly realizing what type of man suits them and who they themselves will suit. It is absolutely clear that all love relationships that arise between 18 and 25 years old should be soberly perceived by such ladies as temporary, a kind of tribute to their psychology and sexual physiology, but in no way a serious basis for the family future. And of course, they absolutely should not grieve over love failures at this age! But for ladies who want to live an ordinary, average life (and average is not at all synonymous with the words boring or bad!), they can get married as early as eighteen to twenty years old: Receiving only positive emotions from the personal and social growth of their husband and at the same time giving him the same positive emotions precisely by the absence of their own high life aspirations, such girls and women simply doom themselves to a successful family life! True, again, if they can always look good and create comfortable living and sexual conditions for their husband. In general, I want you to understand once again: No matter how scary the principle of life realism may seem, it is objectively more profitable than living in an illusion or building those castles in the sand that will later be destroyed! Honest author's! Second. If you are successful, do not chase after those who are successful! Most of us know from childhood that people with opposite characters are especially attracted to each other, who tend to mutually complement their partner with precisely those qualities that he (she) lacks and want to receive from him (her) something that they themselves lack. So, even knowing this well, many girls and women, unfortunately, do not apply this approach in their personal lives. This is especially expressed in the fact that strong and successful women persistently try to create serious relationships with equally strong and successful men, forgetting that the same signs always repel, and not attract at all! I emphasize: Strong men do not need strong women! The alleged tendency of successful men to create love and family relationships with strong and successful women is actually a very dangerous myth,completely unconfirmed by my personal psychological practice. Without a doubt: strong male leaders, who almost always have increased sexual ambitions and are prone to forming multiple sexual relationships at once (harem expansion syndrome), are always not averse to sleeping with one or another successful woman. They may even extend this intimate relationship over a period of several weeks to several years (while creating many other sexual relationships). However, in no case should such relationships (which exist for sexual novelty and increased male self-esteem) be confused with the creation of a strong family rear! This is simply not true! For strong men, these relationships are nothing more than pleasant life and sexual variety. And this is so, even if the man himself sincerely believes that he dreams of living a whole life with his successful chosen one: he is simply still impressed by the work of the love program , is still temporarily inadequate and poorly assesses his true behavior and true life aspirations. And with this temporary inadequacy he not only interferes with himself, he also leads his lady astray. (By the way, this is why men of a pronounced leadership type tend to disappear from the sight of their girlfriends suddenly: they are simply ashamed of what they said to them when they were temporarily and lovingly out of their minds). Relationships between a strong woman and a strong man are more often In total, they exist only for a limited time! Then the internal struggle for leadership begins, identification and clarification of “who is first and who is second,” quarrels, conflicts, resentments, the fading of mutual sexual attraction, the cooling of relationships and their subsequent termination. Strong men only need such wives and girlfriends who, with their behavior, will further emphasize their male leadership and success. And this, as you understand, is a special behavior, weaker behavior, more tearfully dependent behavior, the same behavior that most modern educated, strong and successful ladies for themselves consciously and fundamentally reject! In the end, many strong and successful women strive to become just like this just so as not to cry, whine and complain about life’s difficulties, eternal dependence on men and lack of money. And in this sense, I want to explain to my dear readers: For many years trying to do the almost impossible and harmonize relationships in those couples where both the man and the woman are trying to become strong and successful at once, I saw the following: The main problem of many successful men and women is that that their outwardly successful behavior is actually caused by their lack of success in previous years is, in fact, a psychological compensation, a defensive reaction. That is, many girls and women, trying their best to look successful, behave like successful ones and, in fact, then become successful (bosses, rich and famous), while inside themselves they do not consider themselves successful and with their success they simply try to isolate themselves from such a complex and hostile outside world for them! It is not surprising that such outwardly strong and successful ladies actually consider themselves internally weak and very much dreaming of finally meeting a strong male shoulder in life, they very much strive for this and try to create love and family relationships with successful men of the leadership group (many of whom, again, suffered from inferiority complexes in childhood and therefore their outward appearance successful behavior is again a psychological defensive reaction, compensation for a difficult past). And this is where a very interesting problem arises: Seeing a woman who outwardly behaves like a female leader, men may simply not realize that in fact she is internally different, weak and defenseless, in need of a strong shoulder and not even is going to compete with his partner for the role of “main”. And according to my observations, most often everything is exactly like thisand it happens! A successful girl or woman often simply cannot correctly and adequately convey to her man her inner essence, her need for protection, her need to be an ordinary woman with him, the ability to obey, recognize the leadership of a man, thereby flattering his male pride and in return for this... to receive her feminine (including sexual) happiness... And from here all her personal and sexual troubles and sufferings. Based on this, I will give the following advice: It is vital for educated, strong and successful ladies: - either not to chase strong, successful men and create relationships and marriages with men who are still weaker, who are inclined to calmly accept female leadership and superiority in the field of earnings without conflicts and internal resistance; - or create conditions where both men and women can grow upward (in personal and social development ) simultaneously. (And this is actually incredibly difficult!) – or be able to switch your behavior from one mode to another in time, be strong and tough at work, but soft, weak and sexy at home with your man. I’ll say right away: the third option is the most successful and the most real. Therefore, this is what we will continue to talk about further. Third. Separate your behavior in ordinary and personal life! Knowing full well that in life it is extremely rare for a person to be completely successful in all areas of his activity at once (remember the saying: “Unlucky in money, lucky in love!”), consoling with this other people, however, we almost never try out the effect of this everyday pattern on ourselves! (Isn't that so?! Yes, of course it is!). Accordingly, we rarely think about the fact that during our lives we should more often switch from one mode of behavior to another, and then to a third or fourth. But everyday practice shows: The success or failure of men and women in their personal and intimate lives directly depends on how well they know how to switch in time and rebuild their behavior depending on the type of activity. At the same time, I draw your attention to the fact that personal and intimate life is not at all some kind of rest from work or educational activities, it is simply another type of the same activity! And not just any activity, but a very specialized, special, much more complex activity! And to behave in it exactly the same way as you behave in your friendly company, at school or at work is, in fact, completely wrong! In the personal and intimate spheres, you should behave completely differently, more femininely, trying to fall under the basic love expectations of those on whom a woman’s personal happiness depends (in this case, under the love expectations of men, especially those very successful men with whom you are talking about relationships). this is what most ladies dream of!) Based on this, I emphasize once again: the behavior style of a successful lady, prone to personal and social growth, in order to achieve her personal, intimate and family happiness, in fact, IS IN NO EVENT WRONG! Moreover, being applicable in some specific local areas of life, it is precisely this that ensures ladies their success in life (and there is no other way to achieve it!). However, the problem is that while helping somewhere in specific circumstances, the successful leadership style of female behavior turns out to be not only powerless, but also downright harmful precisely in the personal and intimate spheres, in the family. Ladies should under no circumstances to think that their image, which turns out to be successful in one area of ​​life, will automatically bring them success in both personal and intimate areas! I emphasize: under no circumstances! So my call is extremely simple: dear readers should not give up the desire to be successful, but simply realize the need to timely switch from one line of behavior to another in their personal relationships (and thereby better meet men’s love and sexual expectations). And in this sense, it should be remembered: Hypocrisy, changemasks and roles is not at all such a shameful activity as we are often taught in childhood. By and large, this is an indispensable condition for a person’s normal adaptation to those completely different social roles that each of us has to play in life almost simultaneously. Therefore, if you live a complex and varied life, if somewhere you are an exemplary daughter, somewhere a student, somewhere the soul of the company, somewhere a stern office manager or head of a department, and somewhere just a woman who dreams of creating a successful love relationship and becoming especially desirable for her man, you simply must learn this difficult art of switching from one style of communication in time on the other, from a business suit to seductive blouses and low-rise jeans, etc. etc. You are obliged to study even in the midst of a working or school day, being a stern dictator for those around you, answer your husband’s calls sweetly, write passionate text messages right at the planning meeting and generally turn off your phone while going to the cinema or cafe together with your spouse . And if you do not comprehend this simple science perfectly, you will continue to suffer in your personal, intimate and family life... Moreover, you will not suffer at all because of men, but actually because of yourself! More precisely, because of our own psychological inflexibility, from the inability and unwillingness, with all the variety of our daily social roles, to remain just a woman. In each of the modern ladies, a real woman sleeps. But in some she at least occasionally wakes up, but in others every year she sleeps more and more soundly! So, don’t let the truly desirable woman hidden in you fall asleep forever! And then your personal happiness will definitely find you! I hope you will think about this carefully. Fourth. Don’t tell your man about how you deceived, outwitted or outplayed someone! Hundreds of times, openly talking with those men who complained about their own sexual cooling, inexplicable from their point of view, in relation to their quite sexy successful wife or girlfriend, listening to their stories about peculiarities of that interpersonal communication that is characteristic of such couples, I once realized: The most sexually repulsive factor for men is not so much the success of their ladies, but their proudly boastful stories about how they are in the process of fighting for their financial or career growth of someone deceived, outwitted or outplayed. And the whole point here is that, all the time speaking in their stories in the role of a successful hunter who managed to outwit and outplay both his prey and other competing hunters, successful wives and girlfriends essentially emphasize: that their leadership in life, which is usually claimed by men themselves, begins to be subconsciously perceived by men as their competitors, as a threat to their own leadership and dominance; - strikes a blow to the pride of those men who, one day, begin to realize that the leader and initiator of these love or family relationships, in fact, it was not they themselves, but their hunter friends; - they put those of their men, who at this time have nothing special to boast of, in the position of losers, at least relative to themselves - so successful, energetic and punchy; - informing what They are capable of cunning and intrigue, ladies thereby arouse male distrust in themselves, leading men to believe that they themselves can be deceived, outplayed or simply used. And it is not surprising that all this repels men from their not so successful, how many overly frank wives and girlfriends create a distance between them and extinguish sexual desire. Based on this, I strongly advise those successful ladies who, after yet another victory and achievement, are bursting with the desire to tell their friends or husbands about all this... under no circumstances do this! If you really value your existing love or family relationships, do not strain the psyche of your men with your bloodthirstyly jubilant victorious reports! Don't force them to have complexesabout the fact that they cannot tell such things about themselves! Reincarnate! Shed the skin of a wrestler and wrestler somewhere in the hallway of your apartment, put on a “white and fluffy” fur coat and diligently play the role of a simply loving, gentle and always sexy girlfriend or wife: a little weak, sometimes not understanding something, sometimes doing something... it’s not like that... But in the sphere of intimacy you will always have everything like this! Very much so! Fifth. Either strive throughout your life to match each other’s material status, or know and follow the rules for compensating for differences in the material status of spouses. I have long deduced the following: “Rules for compensating for differences in the material and social status of spouses: If one of the spouses consistently earns a lot and occupies a high status in society, and the second cannot boast of similar successes, then the latter must either achieve similar results or compensate your inconsistency with your more successful partner with some other qualities valuable for family life from this list of “dozens of family compensations”: – an ideal figure and the ability to look good; – sexual activity; – excellent household and economic qualities; – excellent character and conflict-free manner behavior (no rude words, no assault in the family); – the ability to create a warm and sincere atmosphere of communication in the family; – the ability to organize interesting and varied leisure time, a positive attitude towards the interests and hobbies of your partner; – the birth of two or three or more children, patience, dedication and creativity in their upbringing; – an excellent attitude towards the parents and friends of the more successful “half”, as well as towards his (her) children from a previous marriage; – the absence of such bad habits as craving for alcohol or drugs; – the exception of any reasons for jealousy or accusations of treason. Note. Even if the poorer partner does not wish to remain in his lower material status all his life, but consciously strives to reach the level of the wealthier partner, then until the moment he achieves this higher status, he is nevertheless obliged to follow the rule of compensation. Otherwise, conflicts and divorce are practically guaranteed. Everything is elementary: either you are the “locomotive driver” in your family and pull it financially “up” in life, or you are a “passenger” of this train and then your task is to create the most comfortable moral, psychological, everyday and sexual conditions for a successful and intense the work of a “machinist”. If you also want to become a “machinist”, this is only commendable! Just remember: while you are still moving towards your cherished goal of becoming a boss or a successful businessman, still continue to behave correctly towards the existing “driver”. Otherwise, you can get into trouble: you won’t improve your material status and lose your existing family. If in your family, it is you (that is, the wife) who is the most successful in material and social status, but at the same time your husband is not a gigolo and out of all is trying to catch up and overtake you, then even if he never succeeds, I advise you to follow my next advice. Sixth. Never humiliate your spouse by reproaching him for earning less than you. Among men and women there are those who, having first created a family artificially - having openly bought their “half” with some material goods (their own apartment, car, big income, leadership position, high status of their parents), then systematically begin to destroy it , regularly pointing out to the partner his material, financial or social dependence. At every opportunity, they tell them something like: “What would you do without me?! I wish I still lived in my remote village! And so I transported you to the city, and now you still dare to argue with me, you ungrateful creature!” “Do you even remember who you were before we met? Nobody! And now you drive a good car, eat normally, don’t live in a dorm... And there’s something else for me hereyou say?! Throw yourself under the bench before I get angry!” – “Yes, who would you be if it weren’t for my parents! I would live in my own shit, eking out a miserable existence! And so they washed you, trained you, gave you a decent post and salary... And now you’ve decided to be smart! So we’ll quickly return you to where we got you from!” “I work here for two people, I earn money so that I can put on shoes and clothes and go on vacation abroad, and you sit on my neck, bringing home your pitiful pennies, now got brave and started arguing?! I’ll quickly turn off the money tap for you, you’ll have to get back into the rags from your past life again.” – “In my opinion, someone forgot who he was and who he became! So I’ll remind you: when we met, you had no brains, no education, no money, no apartment. Everything you have in this life was given to you by me! So, be so kind as to: sit on your butt and press it before they give it to you and don’t drive you back out onto the street...” Family psychologists have a clear opinion on this matter: You should either not start a family at all in order to a person whom you consider significantly lower in status, whom you do not respect from the very beginning... or, if you nevertheless went to create it, in no case should you humiliate a person by regularly pointing out his (her) inadequacy compared to you. Especially if all your successes and achievements, in fact: - got to you from your parents; - got to you thanks to the patronage of friends; - got to you thanks to your ex-husband or wife (or civil partner, or lover or mistress); got to you thanks to your criminal activities. Moreover, your partner himself is well aware of this. If you begin to act in this way, you will simply gradually shake the very family chair on which you are sitting. After all, in fact, the situation is not at all what it seems to you: You should not think that a richer or more successful partner, by creating a family with a less rich and successful one, has thereby created comfortable conditions for himself. Not at all! From the point of view of family psychology, if the initiator of a marriage is many times greater than his “half” in money or property, then this means: either this initiator is so uninteresting externally and internally, boorish, bitchy, rude and unmannered that absolutely no one cares about this moment was uninteresting as a spouse, therefore, in the end, he was forced to buy himself a partner practically for money; - or this initiator imagines his family as the relationship of a slave trader with his slave .Of course, both of these points do not make anyone look good and do not strengthen the marriage. Hence, simple advice: Do not humiliate your family “half” with constant reproaches for his (her) dependence on you, and then you will not have to buy yourself a new one (in case of divorce ), nor pay extra money, returning him/her with new gifts, or in case of a quarrel and leaving you. And most importantly: if you behave intelligently and correctly, you will be respected. If you are rude, they will simply fear and hate you. At the same time, save money (including by stealing from you) so that one day they can escape from you. And when this happens and you reproach the person for “ungratefulness”, in fact, you yourself will be to blame for this situation. You yourself first sat on an obviously very unreliable branch, and then, instead of building it up and strengthening it, you sawed it off... So you finished it! If you are not only rich, but also quite reasonable, draw conclusions from what you read! Having said this, do not I may not continue this topic from the other side. In the practice of my work, I very often come across married couples where in the eyes of one of the spouses there is a hidden melancholy and dull resentment towards the partner who almost daily reproaches his half for financial dependence. Even after twenty years of practical work, it still amazes me how adults can say with inner conviction in their voices something like: “Yes, I call her a “dowry” as a joke! In fact, the fact that she doesn't have her own apartment makes medoesn't bother me at all! I have an apartment!” “I only call her “beggar” when I drink! And I always treat my wife very well!” – “When I say that I took her to live with me in only tights, I just mean what beautiful legs she had! I don’t even mean anything about property!” “I call my husband a gigolo with humor! I don’t want to offend him at all! It’s just that he’s such a cuss word that I don’t even know what to affectionately call him... Well, the word “gigolo” somehow stuck to my tongue by itself...” – “It’s in vain that he says that I call him a “loser”! It happens only once a month when he brings home his pitiful salary. The rest of the time we communicate very well.” “My husband’s nickname, “my brick on my neck,” is a diminutive for us. But since, as it turned out now, he doesn’t like it, I won’t use it...” Therefore, I kindly ask spouses who are prone to such statements to think three times about the correctness of such behavior in the family. Of course, financially and financially dependent people can rarely defend their rights and object to their “breadwinners”. However, you need to understand: Every reproach for the financial insolvency of a spouse is another microcrack in a marriage that, one day, can destroy the entire family. Remember: “Poking your nose” at the fact of financial dependence almost always leads to personal and intimate alienation, gradually kills love, reduces the desire to have children together, turns initially sincere human relationships into purely formal ones, “for show.” Therefore, no matter what the financial dependence of one spouse on the other, this should not be a way of daily pressure on the “sore spot.” I understand perfectly well that one of my readers may immediately object to me: “Dear psychologist, how then to stimulate the half that actually either earns little or doesn’t work at all?! After all, such reproaches are the best way to force a person to act for the benefit of the whole family?” I will also speak on this matter: Firstly, the human psyche is structured like an optical lens: on one side it is convex, on the other it is concave. When you harshly criticize your other half, she automatically has a desire for someone to compensate her for moral damage, take pity on her and “stroke her fur.” Hence, your reproaches and criticism are nothing more than a very strong motivator... for your partner to cheat. Cheating not for the sake of sex, but for the sake of receiving compensating warmth. Do you really need this? Secondly, you need to understand that people are far from equal to each other in terms of their opportunities in life. Let's say you have the character of a fighter, the punching qualities of a puncher, influential parents, or friends. But your partner may not have this: his parents are poor, he has no connections, and his character is ordinary. And simple reproaches for his (her) life and financial insolvency will absolutely not change this for the better. If we put aside the fact that when creating a family, you were probably once flattered by your partner’s weakness and dependence on you, I give you simple advice: Instead of offensive accusations of financial insolvency, find your “family half” a decent job. Believe me how strictly practical: it works! Moreover, it is much more effective than offensive criticism. Well, if you are a successful businessman, and your half is languishing with boredom as a housewife or works for pennies “for an uncle,” the best thing is to take your half to work for you. Your half will not be able to show miracles of commercial resourcefulness, but he (s) will be nearby, the salary will remain in the family budget, and you will be very grateful for the opportunity for self-realization. If your financially poor “half” has obvious business abilities, create for her (his) own business. Life is a complicated thing: many times I had to observe paradoxical situations when a rich spouse created a separate business for his “half”, then went bankrupt himself, and the business of the “half” not only flourished and worked, but also):+7-902-990-5168, +7-913-520 -001, +7-926-633-5200.