From the author: An article for those who do not want to be “sick” with love...or are afraid of “infecting” their children. The topic of addiction is so relevant in today’s world that it’s becoming scary! Since I am a family psychologist working with children, adults and families, I consider it necessary to identify you both from the position of an adult making decisions for yourself, and from the position of you - as a parent (present or future) making responsibility for your child. Therefore, it would be nice if you tried the article from all points of view: what can I do for myself and what can I do for my child! In our country there is such a mentality: treat when it hurts, but there is zero prevention! But many can get SO sick when love is a disease! Moreover, our children may get sick! Everyone knows about alcohol, chemical, and food addiction, but love is something extraordinary, which even some psychologists (b-17) do not believe in, because they have not encountered or worked with such cases! But this is addiction in its natural form... So how can you avoid falling into this trap, how can you protect yourself and protect your children! This is what I wanted to talk about in my article. Yes, very briefly about how to understand it and distinguish it from ordinary love! The criterion is quite simple: a person “sick” with love (addicted) goes beyond all boundaries of a reasonable attitude towards himself! He loses his principles, himself and reason! For example, if earlier betrayal was unacceptable for a person, then when he discovers his partner’s betrayal, he turns a blind eye to it and by hook or by crook tries to win him back, while engaging in self-flagellation and scolding himself, while at the same time idealizing the cheating partner! Yes, betrayal can, and sometimes should, be forgiven, you say. I don’t argue, I even support it! Only in this case it doesn’t all end with one betrayal, but the story continues... And where an adequate adult person who respects himself needs to leave, in this case there is a failure... and the person simply CANNOT leave! He can’t do it so much that he didn’t expect it from himself. And then, life is like in a nightmare that just doesn’t go away - “It’s bad with you and without you...”! Hmmm...how did this happen?! 1. Injuries...You were once a small child, living your childhood, and something suddenly happened to your parents. Something they couldn't handle. Or something that made you grow up... and at the age of 6-7 (and later, and maybe earlier) you were “torn out” from the world of childhood and “thrown” into the world of adults... where it is “impossible” to be little! Where you need to take care of your parents, help them and save them... such beloved, important, significant adults for you, you - a little man - must save! Because you need them so much to live that instinctively the little wise “professor” in you tells you what to do here in order to survive! And this scheme works then... in that past! You survive! But your scheme survives with you - to save, help, take care of those who are dear to you! Everything would be fine, only you are using it now, when it is not required at all! An adult, independent, adequate partner simply will not get along with you! Therefore, subconsciously, you choose a partner where the “old” scheme will continue to work! And, as a rule, your significant other is much more childish than you! Undoubtedly! Only then will you be able to continue to fulfill your role as a caring “parent” or a magical “rescuer”! For some time, you live together with your chosen one, and are even happy! And then, after a while, something happens (which is quite logical) that breaks your system! And, no wonder! After all, “parents” are needed first, and then “children” try to avoid their care in all sorts of ways. And what does it look like in such a pair. Yes, simple. For example, sexual desire disappears. "I do not want you"! Of course he doesn’t want to, because how can you want your own parent (or child)?! Ugh, you say, ugh, what an abomination!!! ANDThis is a normal healthy reaction! Only your subconscious whispers something completely different... That is why love addiction is so difficult to overcome! Because it's hard for any healthy parent to leave their child partner! 2. Guilt, shame, responsibility...Oh, this hyper-responsibility! Always, everywhere and everywhere, you feel your duty. You must (must) this and that, this and that, now and always! And you don’t know any other way! You are responsible for everything. And you’re also to blame for everything... If something happens somewhere, it’s your fault. The feeling that your mind is sleeping, and only feelings live, which dictate - “you are to blame for this”... or maybe your mind is not sleeping, but the mind and feelings cannot agree with each other, because there is a huge gap between them... Today case (there are days!)... I would prefer not to be an eyewitness to this situation and not write this case here. Only in life everything happens for a reason. Maybe someone will recognize themselves and think... “...don’t you know how to use this thing... and you yourself didn’t pass and didn’t let the person pass...” yelled the enraged mother, who was getting more and more excited... Then she took him by the chest and pushed him against the wall and how he would slap his son, a boy of about 8 years old... (Ahtung!) The action took place in the metro at the turnstiles, the boy could not put the ticket “correctly”, since his mother needed it and his mother had a blast... Was she angry with him (it’s time for mom to a psychologist), it doesn’t matter, what matters is that he did something “wrong”... Guilty, in a word! Without trial or investigation. Is it his fault that his mother didn’t teach him how to use a ticket?! But his mother accused him... Was it worth being punished for “such” an act! What does the child get in the end: I did “the wrong thing” (I’m worthless! I’m ashamed to be like this!), I’m to blame (mom is right!), everything must be done well at once and always (you can’t make mistakes!), I interfered with that person (I am responsible for his feelings!)! This is how the child grows up, under the weight of guilt, shame and responsibility! And when the spouse of this grown adult, for example, cheats, he thinks that “I am to blame.” I was bad, so I deserve this “punishment”. “I will become good! I will do anything and everything to make you love me... I will change, I will improve. Just love me…” 3. Pity. Wonderful - kind, peace-loving, soft, friendly, trouble-free, responsive... A kind of trembling “clump” of kindness and spiritual purity. “We need to help people, protect them, warm them, take pity, help...” Someone is always worse off than you. You always have to feel sorry for someone... Pity. It is she who gives many “good” girls and boys the impetus to love addiction! My good ones, who are you good for?! For others...And you are always ready to help others, save, sacrifice, respond to THEIR pain, misfortune, suffering. What about you yourself? “And somehow I myself (himself)…” And either mom/dad is so independent that the example is contagious, or it’s useless to contact mom/dad, that it’s better that I can handle it myself. The result is the same, any other becomes more important to you than yourself! It always saddens me endlessly to listen to these fascinating stories about such “love” that last a lifetime! You see, EVERYTHING!!! Here’s literally today’s story (there are days!)… We met him in the hospital. He had a fracture, and I worked there as a nurse. I'm 19, and he was 26. Young...But he already seemed like an old man to me (laughs). He was already married and experienced. He told me how he lived in the orphanage... My mother had 7 of them: 4 from her first marriage, 3 from her second. She sent them to an orphanage... Then they grew up and went somewhere else... He got married and lived with his wife in Moscow. And now they got divorced and now he’s lying in the hospital with a broken leg and he has nowhere to live... I felt so sorry for him. ... And I was alone with my parents, they loved me and cared for me. And he doesn't know what it is. He doesn’t know what family is... I listened and listened to him, and then I realized that he is a good person! And I fell in love... and when I came home and I began to persuade my parents to let him live with us... I only knew him for 21 days, and then we got married... - Why did we separate? - A second time? Yes, he drank, he was a hooligan... - What about you?...