From the author: The article is posted on the website In the process of my work, I often have to deal with the same question, which sounds in different versions: “How to wean my husband from eating in front of the computer or reading while food?”, “How to explain to your wife that her friends are a bad influence on her, because they only have two activities - collecting gossip and going to nightclubs?”, “How to teach children to clean up after themselves?” In other words, each of these wants to force people to do what they want their neighbor to do. But how to achieve this? Some people are convinced that psychologists have special knowledge and work using magical methods, and they are able to exert such an influence “so that he or she does only this way and not otherwise...” Sometimes, but still you have to face and with such an unusual request like: “How can I learn to manipulate men so that I always get what I want from them? Help me with this, please." I cannot ignore this topic, so I will have to philosophize. No matter how ideal a person may initially seem, sooner or later there will be that very nut in him that you want to tighten. And as soon as such a desire arises, a problem immediately arises - regardless of the strength of our desire, we can never be completely sure that we will be able to achieve these long-awaited changes. On the one hand, we do not control the person with whom we want to build an ideal relationship. On the other hand, as soon as we at least try to improve communication with the right person and enter into interaction with him based on common interests, then, most likely, the first signs of results will fly soon. There are exceptions to all rules, and in psychology too. If your partner has clearly indicated to himself that there is no need to interact with you, it means that he is not in the mood for a long-term relationship. And it doesn’t matter whether he is still with you at the moment or not - even in this case, certain changes will occur. But what if this exception does not fit into the framework of your relationship, and is it possible to do anything at all? Of course, the path to ideal communication will have to be done gradually. The correct start of a conversation is the key to successful communication. Remember how you start a conversation with your significant other, regardless of marital status. Can you honestly answer how often the very first words spoken during a conversation contain notes of disrespect, criticism, and caustic humor? Surely there are people among you who not only demand, but also throw minor tantrums. “Listen, run the vacuum cleaner around the room. Well, you don't want to help me again. Although, what’s surprising here, it’s always like this with you, you don’t have time, you have more important things to do...” And so on. Sound familiar? Now try to achieve what you want in a different way. Say something like this: “Darling, my work today was not an easy one, and I’m just thrown off track. It wouldn't hurt for us to tidy up the apartment, but I really want to rest. Let's think about how to restore order faster. Can you provide me with any help in about forty minutes?” Compare your first monologue with the second, and you will notice that by posing the question differently, you no longer blame your opponent, do not control his personal time, supposedly spent on unnecessary matters, and you accept responsibility for joint fruitful actions. I’ll tell you more: in the second case, you used the so-called “I am the message,” since you expressed feelings, needs and desires. Now mentally replay the first “You are the message.” Agree that it is perceived as difficult and does not give any result other than a scandal. Which is better and healthier? The choice in favor of “I am the message” is obvious. The trick failed: how to continue communication? This scenario is also possible. In response to your friendly call for help in the form of “I am a message,” there is a boring “Oh, I don’t want to. I’ll finish the scanword here now and go to bed. I have to leave early tomorrow on business.” And soYou hear the response “I am the message” not just once, but for several days in a row. What to do in this case? And I will give you the same advice - start talking about yourself. At the same time, avoid phrases like “you must” or “you will never help or support”, “you always do everything out of spite”, etc. In a calm but confident tone, repeat your words: “I feel,” “I want,” “I feel the need.” Try talking like this: “Please give me a couple of minutes. Last week I did daily cleaning of the apartment and small purchases. I realized that this is not suitable for me, because these actions take away the remaining strength from me, after which I feel unwell. I need help. I want to understand how realistic it is for us to divide these responsibilities into two. Will you be able to find time for household chores? If not, let’s invite a housekeeper at least a couple of times a week.” Some of the audience may now say that such things are not subject to heated discussion, that it is not shameful for a man to help his wife with housework, that in a good family this is how it should be. But if a problem exists, it means that not everything is as simple as it seems at first glance. Otherwise, why have we gathered here? When comparing the proposed approach to a loved one with banal complaints, groans and sighs, grumbling or shedding tears, an interesting difference is determined. And it consists in the fact that, as necessary, you clearly and clearly stated your needs or desires. Since you haven’t accused your loved one of anything, it won’t even occur to him to raise a shield of grumbling or ignoring as a counterbalance. And if you have patience, then over time even a narcissistic slow-witted person will realize that the opposite side is not showing aggression and is not driving you into harsh situations. control framework. The desired result will come, but not immediately. If you have become in the habit of getting what you want through screams, threats and scandals, then compare the options for achieving your plans. You will immediately understand how many nerves you have wasted and how many evenings you have ruined with your hysterics. But everything could go much easier if you sat down and just talked about your needs. So how to communicate with loved ones? Sometimes, behind irritation, people try to hide more important and at the same time negative feelings - anger or resentment, condemnation or indignation and etc. Let’s try to figure out what exactly prompts you to change your previously satisfied partner. Work through the following situations: Instead of the loud “I’m tired of waiting for you to finish drinking beer with your friends!” say in a gentle tone: “I miss you so much. I miss the time when it was just the two of us. Or maybe we can go somewhere together this weekend?” Replace your hatred of holidays, caused by the eternal lack of money for a celebration, with something like this: “The holiday is coming, and I really want to have a good time at it. But I'm so worried about the upcoming expenses. Will we have enough money until our next paycheck? Let's make a shopping list and see if we can meet the amount that we usually allocate." Paraphrase the dissatisfied statement: “Am I no longer interested in you as a woman?” into a warmer combination of words: “When you are not there, I feel very lonely. Can I please you with something?” But if you still feel incapable of such dialogues with people around you, it is possible that you are hiding from yourself. Remember if there has been a strong feeling of resentment in your life that you still find difficult to expose to yourself. Perhaps this is why you cannot talk openly about problems, and turn an ordinary request for help into a showdown. Have you ever encountered a situation where you opened your soul to a person, but subsequently came across a tough rake of misunderstanding and disappointment? Are you haunted by the thought that a loved one is covering you with a hood of control? Have you stopped trusting because of past grievances that caused mental suffering? If so, most likely you need the help of a third party who will adequately assess the situation from the outside and teach you the following: to refuse