Sometimes you want to control everything around you. Because the world is unpredictable. Because if you want to do it well, do it yourself. Because you know better. Because the Other will not think, will make mistakes, will deceive. Then it seems that you need to know everything, instruct, help, suggest, manage. Taking on as much responsibility as your shoulders (cannot) bear. Where does excessive control come from? From childhood. When a little person comes into this world, no longer as warm and protected as his mother’s womb, he needs constant care, guardianship, attention and maternal sensitivity, fusion. If the mother is sensitive enough, if the child feels safe and his needs are mostly met, then he grows up feeling that the world is safe. Basic trust in the world is formed. This often doesn't happen. Trust is not formed, the world seems dangerous, unpredictable, sometimes even hostile. Such a person has little tolerance for uncertainty and constantly lives in overt or background anxiety. A popular way to minimize uncertainty and cope with anxiety is to control it. This includes children from dysfunctional, alcoholic families. Who grew up as parents to their parents, looking for a drunken dad, dragging him to bed, dodging blows, and wiping up his vomit at three in the morning. They closed doors and windows, hid bottles and money, cooked dinners, and lied to neighbors. They took care of those who were supposed to take care of them. Those children who understood from the sound of footsteps in the corridor whether there was going to be a scandal, those who froze like mice, sitting under the table. For them, control was a means of survival. They took this behavior, this form of thinking with them into adulthood. But such control is an illusion, self-deception. Now I will say a phrase that can cause bewilderment and indignation, and in some, perhaps even aggression: You are not you can control another person. His thoughts, motives, needs, desires, values. Your husband can cheat, despite the fact that you have all the passwords to his social networks and a GPS tracker on your phone. The child will take off his hat as soon as he walks around the corner of the house. Yes, you can force people to do what you want for some time. You can convey your thoughts to someone over and over again (e6at brains), manipulate, threaten. And yes, someone will give up, bend, give in. At the cost of relationships, trust, intimacy, openness, happiness. Someone will say: This is not control, I just care. I will answer: Caring is the sunny side of control. The desire for control will spread further. On events, the world, past, present, future. Man becomes god. God of control, all-powerful manager and arbiter of destinies. Fortunately, only in my head, otherwise, with so many willful gods, our planet would have already been torn apart. Remember the phrase “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans”? This is about our inability to control even our own lives, not to mention other people and events. What to do? - First, notice your attempts to control others. Ask yourself, can I really influence this? - Analyze your area of ​​responsibility and control. There is a wonderful tool for this in CBT - “Circle of Control”. - Try to realize your lack of omnipotence. By the way, falling from Olympus hurts. - Work hard in therapy. “Give me the intelligence and peace of mind to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”».