From the author: interview for the magazine "People and Things" 2012. Svetlana, could you answer briefly, do people come to you about issues related to problems with sex? What do you encounter more often in your practice? People turn to a psychologist with sexual and intimate issues when they realize that they cannot cope with the problem on their own. After reading various materials on the Internet, talking with girlfriends or friends, sometimes pushing himself to the limit of worry, in the end, a person reaches a specialist’s office. And this can be considered the first step towards resolving the issue. The topic of sex often arises in the process of psychological work at the stages when trust is created with a psychologist in long-term therapy. They often turn to us when they are no longer satisfied with their sex life with their partner. Excitement, lack of orgasm, different sexual “appetites” of partners, difficulties with potency in men, fear and inability to start sexual relations disappeared. Here the main criteria are either a lot of something, for example, excitement, or very little of something. In family counseling, sexual issues are raised very often, since sex is part of a relationship, an indicator of a couple’s satisfaction and intimacy. Sex is directly related to the emotional sphere and often our experiences are reflected in our sex life. Experienced stress, severe fatigue, resentment, anger at a partner, insufficient trust are sure to manifest themselves through the body as excess tension, the inability to get pleasure, and sometimes a complete lack of sexual energy. Through sex they thank, punish (with refusal), through sex many communicate, assert themselves, etc. The indicated need for sex does not always turn out to be such upon closer examination; people often confuse it with anxiety, with the need for recognition and intimacy, with the desire to like. A person needs attention and love, but asks for sex. Then he very “sexualizes” the relationship and in the end remains disappointed. Often people turn to doctors, sexologists to solve this or that issue, but the problem lies in another plane, not of the body, but of emotions or thoughts. Therefore, of course, in each specific case one must look individually at what the difficulty is and what roots it has. In the process of life and growing up of each person, there are social prohibitions associated with sexual interest, as well as energies that rage in a healthy body. And here any person faces contradictions, there is a need for sexual satisfaction and there are certain social restrictions. Therefore, many difficulties in sex occur in people with a Puritan type of upbringing, where normal sexual curiosity was condemned. Then the person restrains himself unnecessarily and does not allow much. Sexual problems, difficulties in creating trust and intimacy are often associated with various traumas. When sexual violence was committed or sexual life began too early and there are not enough mental resources to cope with the experience. How to diversify your sex life? To diversify our sexual life, anything that makes us feel is suitable, it can be extreme sports, romance, role-playing games, breakups, surprises, experiments, the main thing is that there is no habit or routine. Change everything that can be changed, poses, places, image, circumstances, the usual rhythm of meetings, etc. Because in chaos we feel much stronger, but in stability and the familiar, boredom sets in. What to do if a person has a problem of disgust, fear of sex, if it hasn’t happened for a long time or after an unpleasant experience? If a person has a fear of sex or some disgust, it is necessary to figure out how long ago this began. The basis is often some kind of trauma and everything depends on the degree of manifestation of this fear. It can be quite harmless and go away with a few sessions with a psychologist, or it can be a serious disorder. There is such a thing as “intimophobia” (fear of close relationships). In the mild manifestation of this symptom, it is important nottake your time in relationships, move in very small steps and listen carefully to your desires and feelings. Enter into sexual relations only with those you want and when you really want it. The main task is to learn to create security for yourself, trust and enjoy communication with another person. Is watching porn films a perversion? Porn films are a certain kind of stimulant of sexual feelings and an opportunity to quickly turn on sexual energy. It is also an opportunity to diversify your sex life with a partner when watching together. Is masturbation/masturbation in the presence of a partner a sin? Masturbation is an opportunity to quickly relieve sexual tension. Definitely not a sin, but a quick satisfaction of the sexual need for pleasure for both sexes, when you don’t have to “bother” with finding a partner. Often used by men of active age, when the sexual constitution is high and does not coincide with the sexual capabilities of the partner. How to improve your sex life after your partner has cheated? How to regain trust? Betrayal often violates trust in a couple and one of the couple after this event begins to actively defend themselves or close themselves off. Difficulties are inevitable in intimate life, where vulnerability and openness to a partner are extreme. The best healer at this time and the opportunity to speak openly and present your feelings. The situation of betrayal is experienced just like any loss in our life, sometimes quickly, but sometimes never. Cruelty in sex, how to determine the boundaries of what is permissible? It happens that one person is pleased, the other is not. “In the bedroom, everything is good that both people like” - I adhere to this belief when it comes to cruelty in sex. If both partners are satisfied with the format they choose for themselves, then everything is fine. There should be no violence, it is important to agree on what kind of intimacy there will be between you. Women, and even men, sometimes during sex imagine another person, how to stop fantasizing and enjoy a real partner? I don’t see anything wrong with someone fantasizes about someone or just fantasizes. Fantasies greatly enrich your sex life. Anyone who fantasizes well also knows how to be creative in sex. If it benefits the couple and improves their sex life, then let there be room for fantasy. And it is not always necessary to talk about them, so as not to hurt your partner. Why do people sometimes fake orgasms? Imitating an orgasm is due to the fact that a person is afraid to admit that an orgasm did not happen. A person wants to please his partner, to keep him, he is afraid of offending him, of losing him, of admitting his own difficulties, of opening up to what he wants in sex. There is an opinion that a woman gives an orgasm to a man, sort of gives it. At that moment, when the orgasm did not happen, she does not want to deprive him of a gift or bonus and then plays. Imitation of orgasm is sometimes associated with the fact that one of the partners does not yet have a certain level of trust or desire, then he imitates it. If you are "caught" by children. How to explain this to them and at what age should you tell children everything as it is? With children you need to move at their pace, balance is important here, you don’t need to corrupt them ahead of time, tell them something in detail that they have no idea about. And also try not to slow down their sexual development, calmly accept sexual curiosity. Therefore, if a child starts asking you questions, you need to answer him calmly, without unnecessary details, focusing on the child’s age. If a 5-year-old child catches you in a moment of intimacy and asks you what you were doing, you can tell him that you hugged because you love each other, that’s enough for him. You answered and didn’t say anything unnecessary. A woman’s desire to try “amplifiers” - why do men react with hostility to this, saying, “Don’t I excite you anymore?” Men love to be the only ones who give a woman pleasure. And this is due to the fact that men are sometimes jealous of everything that distracts a woman from himself. Sex for healthy.