From the author: You've probably heard that one of the main causes of psychosomatic illnesses are feelings: unexpressed, suppressed, ignored... Why not learn to express them? Moreover, there are simple and effective techniques for this. A loved one tells you something unpleasant. He does something that offends you. How do you react? I’ll say right away that this doesn’t suit me. It’s better if I keep silent, I might say something like that in the heat of the moment... I’m writing about this option today. It can be difficult for me to find the words to respond to inappropriate behavior. Especially if the person is close. Especially if I'm afraid of hurting him. The result is a dynamite warehouse of unspoken claims that sooner or later explodes. The same loved one suffers, only several times more intensely. After all, this is not just one complaint, it’s a whole fireworks display. I’m tired of this option. To change it, I decided to use a simple and effective formulation. It was given by Slava Ilyin, one of my Gestalt therapy teachers. The formula looks like this: Fact - "when I..." Feelings - "I feel... I feel..." Interpretation of fact - "because it seems to me that... for me it means..." Request - “Can you please...” So, something doesn’t suit you. For example, the husband did not wash the dishes after himself. What usually hurts is not the fact of an unwashed cup in the sink, but the meaning that we attribute to it. We will talk about this - your interlocutor will be able to understand why a simple cup becomes a reason for a scandal. Let's start with the fact: “When I see dirty dishes in the sink...” It is very important here to talk about yourself (I see, I hear, they don’t say) or about the subject (something is happening and is happening). God forbid you start your monologue with the usual “You didn’t wash your cup again”! Feel the difference. “When I see dirty dishes in the sink” VS “you haven’t washed your dishes again.” In the first case, you talk about yourself, in the second, you blame your interlocutor. After the accusation, you won’t be able to have any constructive dialogue, honestly. Would you continue to talk if they “bumped” you? We voice our feelings: “I feel very offended and I start to get angry...” For myself, I conventionally call this stage “showing the belly.” You present yourself sincerely, you take risks. By opening the visor, the knight risks being killed. But it is at this moment that he shows his strength. Speaking out feelings helps relieve your emotions (as soon as we have named them, the boiling point decreases) and creates a confidential dialogue. It is not customary for us to talk about our experiences. It is much easier to blame your interlocutor than to say how painful and unpleasant his words make you feel. And with your phrase you break the usual pattern of conversation, and the interlocutor begins to truly listen to you. Let us explain what significance we attach to the fact: “Because it seems to me that I am gradually becoming some kind of cleaner or dishwasher.” Here we help the interlocutor understand what exactly bothers us. To a man, an unwashed cup is just a cup. For a woman, this cup represents disrespect for her work, a form of silent insult in the sink. That is, a man cannot even imagine how deeply this little thing hurts a woman. Naturally, the wife’s complaint about the cup will be regarded as groundless hysteria. Therefore, it is important to explain your reaction. We end with the request: “Can you please wash your cup after yourself?” At the end, it is worth mentioning the type of behavior that you want to see from your interlocutor in the future. Usually, showdowns end only in mutual claims. At the end, the interlocutors understand that they are not satisfied, but they absolutely do not know how to act differently. Take advantage of this moment! By openly asking for what is important to you, you will make life easier for both yourself and your partner. Some examples: A friend is late for a meeting. Instead of the usual "You're late again!" you can say: “When I arrive on time for a meeting, and then wait another 15 minutes on a cold street, I feel very upset and unpleasant. Because it seems that they don’t care about me and!