Once during one of the sessions with my therapist, when I could not hold back my tears, I saw her look, in which there was, as I now understand, a lot of sympathy. Then I saw pity in them, a condescending attitude towards me, as if I were some kind of child, and I was surprised at the level of irritation that arose inside. I really wanted her to shut up at that moment and stop looking at me like that. So much so that I felt humiliated. My contact with my own inner child was then completely severed. And any contact with something childish caused a wave of anger, aggression, and a desire to destroy all this childishness. I couldn’t watch the Peppa Pig cartoons that my child loved. They annoyed me. I was irritated by the naivety, spontaneity, spontaneity, lack of thought, and inability to calculate the consequences even ten steps ahead. Everything childish was inappropriate for me in this world. A world where you have to be an adult. Where you need to be able to do everything, calculate everything, control everything, cope with everything. If you can’t cope with everything yourself, you’re worthless. Shame, guilt, disappointment, and a persistent desire to disappear. The Tyrant ruled the internal ball. This is an internal figure or, in other sources, an internal object that is urgently created by a child who finds himself in a situation of traumatic experience. When there is a lot of pain, it is unclear what to do with it, there are no resources to process the experience, but somehow you need to survive. It is created from disparate details, from fragments of the experience of communicating with significant adults. Often from the most destructive parts. And from his ideas about these adults, their capabilities, their omnipotence, etc. The Tyrant copes with his task by cutting off the wounded childish part of the soul and locking it deep, deep in the basement, where the conscious - healthy part - of the psyche has no access. The healthy part no longer feels pain. She can continue to live, somehow adapt, somehow function in the world. True, this is a very reduced functioning, because along with the inner Child and his pain, the Tyrant also cuts off access to those resources that the childish, living part has. And he responds with the reactions from the first part of the post, when he sees something that is associated with childhood next to him. For a normal, ordinary living child, life is a game. It is filled with desires and emotions. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't. He is happy when something good happens. Cries when something happens, when he is hurt or just sad. Plays, creates, is interested. Resting when tired. He knows how to live and deeply feel, feel life. Our inner child is able to get high from a snowflake that falls on his nose. Rejoice when caught in the summer rain. Or loudly indignant and refuse when they try to force something on him that he doesn’t need or doesn’t suit him. He feels his boundaries well and knows how to protect them, sometimes in ways that in “normal” society are labeled as “ugh, how is that possible!” Actually, the task of the initial stages of therapy is to help form a Caring Inner Adult, to free the childish part of the soul from its basement confinement, to help the Child live through all the old pain, all the feelings encapsulated with him in the basement, to console him and return him to the family of internal objects. Return both the Child and those abilities/opportunities to which he has access. At the same time, calming the Tyrant’s paranoia, negotiating with him. Let’s not forget that it was formed as a defense, and if a person survived, he coped with his task. It does not need to be removed. And here the initial ones are not about the time period, because sometimes it takes years just to get to the “basement” through the system of the Tyrant’s most serious defenses. PS Sometimes a wounded child breaks out and then all the stories usually begin, for which I am then very ashamed, guilty and it is unclear how I could have allowed this to happen. But more on that another time. My main blog with all new articles and discussions is now in telegram https://t.me/anastasiaaverburg. Join us!