From the author: Independent steps to improve relationships in a couple What is the main difference between couples who manage to live in a happy marriage for a long time or even their entire lives from those who get divorced or Do they live with each other as strangers or just for the sake of their children? Often we take our relationships for granted, just a given in which we live. However, over time, if we do not work on our relationships, then they cease to delight and charge us. We no longer feel comfortable in them and the thought may begin to come to us about whether we need them, or whether we should look for a better life, where there will be more love, care, intimacy. In general, as a family psychologist, based on my many years of professional and personal experience, I believe that the main problem of relationships is not conflicts or even betrayal - this is all a consequence, but the banal thing is that people stop investing in their relationships, let them take their course, expecting activity from their partner (after all, he should take care of me , give me what I need; after all, she is a woman and should create an atmosphere in the house, this is not a man’s business). And so time passes, years go by, dissatisfaction with the relationship grows, tension is literally in the air, intimacy finally slips away and remains. are already almost strangers to each other, who are held together by nothing except children, life and joint property. A sad picture that I often observe in my office, listening to a crying woman talking about her husband’s affair on the side, or an alarmed man , who was suddenly distracted from watching TV and computer games by a message about his desire to get a divorce. Sometimes everything has already gone so far that all that remains is to sympathize and help get over the breakup. So, if you are faced with the following in a relationship: The relationship used to make you happy, but now there are a lot of quarrels and resentments towards each other. It has become difficult to come to an agreement with each other, everyone wants everything it was according to him/her Now everything has changed and there is no longer that attraction as before... Your expectations from this relationship are not met: you no longer feel that you are loved and appreciated in this relationship Sex life leaves much to be desired... Sometimes you wonder whether it is worth saving the relationship or Should you try to find new love? Then these recommendations will help you take your relationship to a new level on your own. How can you make your relationship closer and stronger? To do this, I usually recommend periodically asking each other the questions below. It's simply incredible, but even just half an hour a week dedicated to this conversation can make your relationship much closer and stronger. Don't believe me? Try it yourself just once and see what happens. In the end, even if you don't like it, it definitely won't get worse. I often give this method as homework in my consultations and receive positive feedback in which the couple reports that their relationship has improved significantly and they can finally talk normally, clarifying each other’s desires and positions without quarrels or offense. So, here are the questions that by asking each other, you will make your relationship stronger and deeper: What can I do to make you even more comfortable with me? Ask what your other half wants? What is especially nice when he/she is next to you? Maybe they can lie down together and watch a movie, or cuddle to feel loved, or just chat about something easily and naturally. Everyone has their own desires and expectations from a relationship, you just need to ask about them. Are you satisfied with our sex life? This question should not be asked directly - it is better to try to carefully guide your partner to the topic of novelty in your sex life. Ask what your other half would like to try new, what fantasies you would like to realize. You can also offer your own options - for sure, you also have your own desires and fantasies. The main thing hereremember the basic rule that sexologists talk about - what is normal in sex is what is normal for both. The only thing, again based on practice, I would strongly not recommend letting someone else into your sexual relationship - most often this seriously traumatizes one of the couple and then it is very difficult to deal with this in a relationship. How can I help you, how can I support you? Often, in order not to feel lonely, we need the support of our loved ones. This is how we feel that we are loved and appreciated and will not be abandoned in difficult times. From this comes gratitude and tenderness for our partner, as well as a reciprocal desire to support. Life in general is quite difficult, but when we feel the support of a loved one, we know that we have a strong back and can calmly cope with current difficulties. It is important to just sometimes ask what you are doing you can help, and most likely, after a while you will hear the same question addressed to you. After all, sometimes a simple action or even an encouraging word is enough for a person to feel supported and needed by you. Did I offend you in any way? This question requires some courage for both: you will need it to ask it and perhaps hear an honest, but not very pleasant answer, and he/she will need it to answer honestly, even if this answer is unpleasant. Here it is important to listen and not interrupt, and most importantly - not to make excuses. It’s better to simply apologize, saying that you didn’t mean to do anything unpleasant and that you regret it. This is an incredibly important question, because... More often than not, it is grievances that slowly but surely undermine even the closest relationships. How should I behave when you return from work? This question can only be asked once. It may seem strange at first glance - is it really important?! Believe me, I often hear complaints from men and women in my office that when they come home from work, either no one meets them or helps them with their bags, or, on the contrary, everyone rushes in and immediately They want something from them, not even allowing them to undress properly and wash their hands. Some are annoyed that they immediately try to include him in all household events, others are upset that he cannot share how his day went, because... this is of no interest to anyone. For some, it is simply important to be in silence for at least 10-15 minutes after arriving so that they can finally “return home.” And for others, it is important for the family to gather at one table and discuss the past day together. Knowledge of such features very important because sets the mood for the rest of the evening, and maybe even the night :). What are you worried about, what happened to you, how can I help you? When partners are aware of what is happening in the life of the other, they understand in what context they live: for example, if your husband is having troubles at work and you know about them, you will be more tolerant of his bad mood and will not take it personally . Or, for example, you found out that your wife is not feeling well and she is worried about this, then it will be easier for you to understand and reassure her, and maybe even take some measures to help her. The main thing is to find out what kind of support a person needs, maybe he just needs your participation and warm words of support. What should I NOT do in our relationship? Each person has his own peculiarities of perception of events in life and relationships; some will not pay attention to some incident, but for others it will be a whole drama. However, we all have certain situations that make us feel vulnerable, often due to some personal sad experience either from childhood or from a previous relationship. Often a person feels uncomfortable when someone criticizes him, even as a joke, or he feels uncomfortable when comments are made to him in public or “uncomfortable” questions are asked. Maybe your partner doesn’t like the way you dress (for example, too revealing or, conversely, carelessly). Someone is annoyed that your partner allows frequent parental interference in your relationship, while someone is used to deciding everything individually, without taking into account the opinion of the other .It is also very :)