Complementary marriage: psychological portrait of partners In partnerships, we often want to achieve what we failed in love for our parents. But this will not happen if the flow of love for our parents does not flow first. B . Hellinger In a previous article I described the features of complementary marriages. The purpose of this article is to draw a psychological portrait of the partners who form such marriages. Since it is common for partners in complementary marriages to create codependent relationships, in this article I will call them codependent. Let's consider what psychological characteristics are characteristic of partners in complementary marriages? Dominant needs. In all descriptions of clients from complementary marriages, the red thread runs through the need for acceptance and unconditional love from a partner. These are the needs of a child towards its parent. If the parent is able to satisfy them, then the child develops a secure attachment and, as a consequence, the need to explore the world around him. Otherwise, a secure attachment is not formed, and the child’s need for acceptance and unconditional love is unsatisfied. In subsequent life, such a person will try to satisfy these needs in contact with his partner, “clinging” to him and making demands on him that are beyond his ability to perform functions that are not specific to him. The image of an ideal partner with corresponding expectations from him will be projected onto the relationship partner. They will see the partner not as a partner, but as a parent, and will assign parental functions to him. Failure of a partner to fulfill parental functions will give rise to claims and resentments. Example. Client S., at my request, describes the image of an ideal partner: “Strong, courageous, reliable, caring, accepting, forgiving of her shortcomings, indulging her weaknesses.” I notice that she does not paint the image of a partner, but rather the image of a father. It is the father who, for his daughter, can be both strong and accepting of her unconditionally, or, in any case, allowing and forgiving her a lot. Adult partnerships presuppose “conditional love” while maintaining a “take-give” balance. This does not mean that there is no place for the above-mentioned needs in partnerships. Of course they are. Another thing is that they will not be the main ones here. The leading needs in partnerships will be the needs for intimacy and love between a man and a woman. For complementary marriages, intimacy serves as one of the ways to satisfy the need for unconditional love. The partner is forced to agree to such an “adult” form of love in the hope of “feeding” on childish love through this. Idealization Due to various life circumstances, the codependent partner has not received the experience of disappointment in reality, the so-called “inoculation from reality.” The reasons for this may be different. (See more about this). In the example already given, client S.’s father tragically died at the age of 5 years. The image of a father and, therefore, a man (and a father is the first man for a daughter) remained ideal, “preserved” for her. If this tragedy had not happened, the client would have been forced (more than once) in subsequent relationships with her father to be disappointed in him, to overthrow him from the pedestal (adolescence alone provides rich opportunities for this). Over time, the image of the father would lose its idealization and become more down-to-earth, real, and adequate. The girl would have a chance to de-idealize her father, to meet a real father - a living earthly man with his weaknesses, experiences, fears, disappointments - which would open up for her the possibility of a real meeting with other men. In this case, the ideal image of the father remains an unattainable peak for her possible partners - the image is always more colorful than the reality! One of the forms of idealization is the romanticism inherent in codependent partners. Since in real life to meet a partner who matchesIt is almost impossible to achieve an ideal image; such an image is found in films, books, or is invented. Sometimes this image is collective - not all movie characters are able to embody all the required imaginary qualities! Example: Client E. describes the desired relationship with her partner as follows: “This will be a strong, confident, reliable, caring man. I want him to admire me like a flower, take care of me, look after me. And I will delight him with my presence, allow him to admire me.” Infantilism In the perception of the therapist, regardless of the passport age of the codependent client, one gets the impression that in front of him is a little girl/boy. Manner of speaking, gestures, facial expressions, views, demands - all these components of the quality of contact create certain parental countertransferential reactions to the client. Infantilism (from the Latin infantilis - childish) is defined as immaturity in development, the preservation in physical appearance or behavior of traits inherent in previous age stages. Mental infantilism is the psychological immaturity of a person, expressed in a delay in the formation of personality, in which a person’s behavior does not meet the age requirements for him. The lag manifests itself primarily in the development of the emotional-volitional sphere and the preservation of childhood personality traits. One of the most important factors in the development of mental infantilism is a person’s parents, who overly patronize and protect the child, and, as a result, do not allow him to face reality, prolonging his childhood. Example. Client S. After the death of her father, she was raised by her mother. The mother, according to her, gave up her personal life and devoted herself entirely to her daughter - she did not deny her anything, she protected her from all the hardships of life. As a result, S. has pronounced infantile personality traits - non-acceptance of responsibility, non-acceptance of the role and function of an adult, excessive expectations from a partner. The main criterion of infantilism can be called the inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s life, not to mention the lives of loved ones. Infantile people choose partners who would take care of them. In contact with such a person, you get the feeling that you cannot rely on him at a critical moment! In marriages, such people create families, give birth to children and shift responsibility to their partners. Egocentrism Egocentrism (from the Latin Ego - “I”, centrum - “center of the circle”) - the inability or inability of an individual to take someone else’s point of view, the perception of one’s point of view as the only one existing. The term was introduced into psychology by Jean Piaget to describe the characteristics of thinking characteristic of children under the age of 8–10 years. Normally, egocentrism is characteristic of children who, as they develop, acquire the ability to “decentrate” and perceive the world from other points of view. For various reasons, this feature of thinking, to varying degrees of severity, can persist into adulthood. Egocentrism (I-centrism) in relationships is manifested in the individual’s concentration on himself and relative insensitivity to others, self-absorption, evaluating everything through the prism of his personality. In an egocentric perception of the world, the individual considers himself to be the center of everything and is unable to see what is happening and himself through the eyes of other people, from some other position. A person with this orientation may experience difficulties in not understanding the experiences of other people, lack of emotional responsiveness, and inability to take into account the points of view of other people. Such a person often perceives other people functionally (people-functions). Example. Client S. decides whether or not to break up with her young man? Weighing the pros and cons, she does not talk about him as a person, about her feelings for him, but describes her partner as a set of functions, lists his “technical” characteristics - educated, status, promising, intelligent - and comes to the conclusion that such a man will not “stay” on the market, any girl from