FIRST MISTAKE - self-esteem depends on the opinions of others about you. You cannot increase or decrease self-esteem at the expense of someone else's assessment. Self-esteem is how I evaluate myself. Me. If it were otherwise, then the name should have been “Environmental Assessment” :) THE SECOND MISTAKE is to evaluate yourself “in general/as a whole.” “I” is a set of abilities, habits, thoughts, beliefs, values, physical data and etc. You and the result of your actions are not identical. There are no “generally bad” or “generally good” people. There are results of certain actions that can be evaluated. THE THIRD MISTAKE is evaluating yourself in relation to others. There are no two identical people in the world. We have different brains, different bodies, different ways of assessing, different temperaments. And we are unlikely to be able to find out with what ease or difficulty another was given what we do not have. The same thing works in the other direction. Why is comparing yourself to others dangerous? I am better than others - pride and arrogance. I am worse than others - self-deprecation. How should you evaluate your qualities? Compare yourself with yourself in the past and with yourself in the future. “This is what I was and what I am now! And this is what I will be like in the future!” I am worse than myself - motivation for development. I am better than myself - joy and satisfaction. FOURTH MISTAKE - not evaluating yourself in any way. Assessment in itself is neither bad nor good. Assessment is a tool that we were not taught to use. From this position, school “2” and “5” are not numbers for lowering or increasing self-esteem, but a way to manage behavior. The problem arises at the moment when the personality is assessed, and not the result of actions. “Look at Petya, what a mediocrity he is! But Sasha is a great guy - a smart boy, we need to follow his example.” It's a lie. Both about Petya and Sasha. There will be situations in life where Sasha will be lazy, and Petya will show ingenuity and intelligence. Evaluation is a tool for regulating your own (and other people’s) behavior. You need to be able to evaluate yourself. FIFTH MISTAKE - “high and low bars”. If you raise the bar above your head, it will be quite difficult to jump over it. If it is low, then it will be very simple and quickly get boring Therefore, the “bar” of assessment must be moved in proportion to your speed of development. This mistake often goes together with the mistake of comparing oneself with others. The story about “I must be the best” and its opposite “I am already the best”:) The first option threatens with a psychological “hernia” from overexertion. The second - psychological “obesity” and passivity from the awareness of one’s own badness. SIXTH MISTAKE - “cloudy” criteria. Compare: - I want to become a good specialist. - I want to make 4 websites a month. - I want to be smart. - I want to recite Brodsky’s poems from memory in the company of my friends. - I want to be rich. - I want to earn 50,000 rubles a month with a 5-hour working day, 5 days a week. You should know for yourself how you measure “goodness”, “smartness”, “beauty” in yourself. This is what is called “result measurability.” In terms of “wealth” or “income,” this seems to be easier to do. These are the numbers per month on the account. But how to measure “intelligence”? :) Or “sense of humor”? At first glance it seems that this is impossible. But this is only at first glance! And if you move away from “sublime” ideas and get down to earth a little, then everything becomes clearer. “Feeling” humor" turns into the number of people who smiled at the jokes you made. "Mind" - into written instructions, according to which those who read were able to get the result. “Confidence” - in the number of recorded numbers with female names after an hour's walk down the street (hello, pick-up artists :)) Let's stop there. This is how we ended up with a post about what not to do! :) In the next part I will tell you 2 ways about that how to change your self-esteem and do it without violence against yourself and others.