The next reason for writing an article was a question from the site. The man asked for advice on how to influence his ten-year-old son. It’s precisely this formulation that has been causing me persistent indignation lately. Why do modern parents, when faced with any difficulties in upbringing, first of all want to change the child, why don’t they think that the problem is not in the child, but in them, that it is not the child who needs to be treated, but the parents first of all? It seems like psychological literacy There is a growing volume of literature on the topic of education, but nothing changes. Everyone adjusts and adapts children to their fears, without thinking about what actions they take lead to “deviations” in the child’s health or behavior. Here are a few examples from my practice. Example 1. A woman complained about her eight-year-old son: he became absent-minded, inattentive, refuses to go to the scout club. He asks him to somehow influence him, to act on him. Please come with your whole family. My stepfather came in, said hello and left, I never saw him again. The mother is anxious, she constantly corrects her son, tugs, it is clear that she is somehow embarrassed or ashamed for him. The son is a sociable, friendly little boy, dressed in a business suit with a bow tie, looking straight, openly, with interest. I ask my mother to leave, I talk to my son. His intelligence is clearly above average, it seems that he is no less than 15 years old. He answers questions clearly, calmly, feels sorry for his mother (!) and says several times: “she still won’t understand,” “she has a lot of problems,” “she’s too busy, she works a lot,” and he’s inattentive because he’s tired, he doesn’t want to join the club because it’s not interesting, but he wants to walk more with his mother, go to the forest, ride a bike together. I'm talking to my mom. Interesting details are revealed. She divorced her first husband, the father of the child, because he didn’t want anything, he drank, he played, he didn’t strive for anything. Now she is married for the second time, her husband has an adult son from his first marriage. Four of us live in a one-room apartment. The youngest child does his homework in the kitchen, the parents watch TV in the evenings, the eldest son periodically brings friends and they play on the console. The youngest son, in addition to school, goes to English, dancing and scouts. He doesn’t have free time, he doesn’t have time to kick a ball around in the yard. He doesn’t have his own place where he can relax and be alone. Of course, he is inattentive and absent-minded. Any adult in his place would already be a patient at a neurological clinic. And who should be influenced in this situation? First of all, on the mother with her fears that her son will grow up the same as his father, on her desire not to give the slightest chance to her son to be idle. Example 2. Mom asks to influence her daughter, who refuses almost all food. The daughter is 14 years old, weighs 35 kilograms with a height of 175, compulsory psychiatric treatment is behind her. In the presence of her mother, the daughter cannot say a single phrase without being corrected, the mother controls all areas of the child’s life, checking the computer and phone, reading a personal diary is the norm in this family. You can’t close the door to your room, you can’t dress your own way, you can’t cut long hair, you can’t use makeup. After losing weight, you need to eat only in the presence of mom or dad and only the food recommended by them, and weigh yourself every day. It seems that there is only one thing you can do in your own way - die, which is what the girl is slowly but surely striving for. Mom’s fear is her daughter’s early pregnancy, unfinished university, unfulfilled life. Example 3. Mom asks for advice on how to cure her daughter’s allergies. Periodically, a 12-year-old girl breaks out in a rash and scratches her skin, mainly on her face. Doctors suspect an allergy to house dust or cosmetics. The girl studies at a dance school and at a modeling agency. From a young age she takes part in beauty contests and various shows. Mom dreams that her daughter will become a supermodel and find herself a very rich husband. My daughter wants to ski or snowboard, go hiking and