From the author: Examples of positive changes in relationship scenarios, taken from the practice of the therapeutic group. Author's website: www.mirludey.org A person who does not want to be alone will never be alone. In our overpopulated world, more and more people feel lonely, misunderstood, unsupported. There are a sea of ​​people around, however, relationships are difficult. It is obvious that people’s need for relationships often exceeds their ability to withstand these relationships. Psychologists have noted that, without realizing what we are doing, we ourselves often reduce our relationships to nothing, and then we feel abandoned and unnecessary. Paradox! How and why does this happen? How to change the negative scenarios of your relationships? I will give living examples of positive changes in scenarios in the psychotherapeutic group “Author of my relationships” Scenario No. 1. “Emotional closedness” ChrysanthemumChrysanthemum (one of the participants in the 2012/2013 group) came to the group with difficulty and, at the same time, interest in getting closer with people. In life, the process of rapprochement caused fear in Chrysanthemum, so in relationships she often remained at the superficial level of formal communication. In the group, Chrysanthemum responded with great attention and interest to other participants, questioned and talked about their difficulties, which initially aroused their affection. However, Chrysanthemum spoke about herself rather formally, thus putting herself in an invulnerable position. She seemed to be avoiding trusting the group - not only to tell, but also to show her vulnerability, excitement, confusion. Over time, Chrysanthemum felt more and more that, although a lot of important things were happening in the group for others, there was little for her, and this feeling was strong echoed her life experience, where she felt as if she was sitting in a garage, while real life flowed somewhere outside it. She shared this feeling with the group. Chrysanthemum’s scenario: cutting back on her full presentation (both in the group and in life), she then suffered from a lack of intimacy. Meanwhile, the group began to react more warily to Chrysanthemum - Cornflower and Liliya attacked Chrysanthemum with questions about personal matters and claims of secrecy, and Iris, Narcissus and Chamomile tried to talk kindly to her. Chrysanthemum listened and began to take small steps towards self-disclosure - she entrusted the group with tears of despair for her unfulfillment, embarrassment and indecisiveness in presenting her femininity, and firmly showed her disagreement with some of the positions of the participants. By increasingly outlining her individuality in the group, she made important changes and in your life. She settled separately and began actively looking for work. Mysteriously, Chrysanthemum’s illness, which had been bothering her for several years, resolved. Scenario No. 2. “Unawareness” Cornflower In life, Cornflower did not like the fact that he felt more like a follower than a leader. He often had the feeling that people were pushing him towards something. Either the girl involved him in a relationship, and he was not yet sure that he needed this relationship, then “circumstances” forced him to earn money at a job that he did not particularly like. Periodically, having accumulated irritation, he sent everyone out to the garden. The main difficulty was that he himself did not know what he wanted - where to work, who to meet, etc. He was weakly sensitive to himself. Being alone at home, he was worried, bored and toiled, wandering from corner to corner, not knowing what to do. At the group, Vasilek, at first, didn’t listen to himself too much either. Instead, he immediately began actively interacting with others. At the same time, he behaved quite cheekily, some participants even called his behavior arrogant - he often interrupted, butted into someone else's conversation, openly demanded attention, having received which, he did not know what to do with it, became anxious and irritated. In company, Vasilek on time, he got rid of boredom and anxiety by unconsciously transferring to people the right to decide what to do, for which they were later punished. In the group it'smanifested itself like this: When the participants revealed their difficulties, Vasilek was always ready to help them. If someone needed to release their aggression by palm wrestling, Vasilek offered himself as a trainer. Standing behind the participants, he helped them confront their fears by holding them by the shoulders and supporting them with his voice. He received sincere pleasure from caring for others; he felt so needed. The anxiety decreased. However, after some time, he completely lost his sense of himself, and began to experience signals warning of a disaster - the feeling that he was not doing anything for himself! Several times he was very seriously offended by the group and by me (the coach) because we ourselves did not guess and did not give him what he needed. He didn’t really discuss his grievances with us, he just got up and left, slamming the door. Then, for the next meeting, he returned. I remember a joke: Mom from the balcony: “Izya, go home!” Izya: “What, Mom, am I cold?” Mom: “No, you want to write.” When Vasilek realized his script, he began to practice in listening more carefully to your desires. Interested in Iris and worried about how she felt about him, he directly expressed his feelings towards her and asked about her answer. Vasilek also began to directly tell people what suited him (instead of unspoken demands and insults for non-fulfillment). For example, when Lilia told him: “You should change your job,” instead of the usual resentment he said: “I’m not ready yet.” Vasilko’s behavior in relation to other participants became more flexible and, at the same time, clearer, his internal state stabilized, relationships improved, joy from life increased. Scenario No. 3. “Suppressing your healthy aggressiveness” IrisIris came to the group with the goal of learning to communicate with people, and especially with men, without fear. Iris looked fragile and vulnerable - she sincerely entrusted the story of her life to the group , tears and pain. This went on for several meetings - a quiet gentle voice, a touching story, fragile vulnerability. The group members began to carefully, but quite clearly express their fears of hurting Iris with their involuntary directness. They already wanted to joyfully bump into each other, but the fear of breaking the fragile Iris stopped their vigorous love of life. They both pitied and were angry with Iris for these restrictions, unspokenly imposed on them by her vulnerability. Iris herself felt somewhat devastated by her quiet suffering from meeting to meeting, she wanted to moan less and enjoy the meetings more. However, the idea of ​​joyfully, or even joyfully-viciously interacting with any of the participants was very frightening. Suppressing her aggressiveness, she committed emotional suicide - she self-destructed from the relationship, reacting to the activity of other people only with fear and moaning. I (the therapist) and the group returned Iris her script - we noticed that she froze in response to the activity shown to her. When someone interrupted, disapproved, or criticized Iris, she almost lost her voice, her body became wooden. Finally, Chrysanthemum and Lily couldn’t stand it anymore and called Iris Turgenev’s young lady, and Cornflower picked up the theme and called Iris Dandelion. Iris got angry and decided to try to change her usual scenario - to release her suppressed subpersonalities to people. It so happened, and this is certainly not an accident, that the decisive help in opening these faces was provided to Iris by men (whom she was especially afraid of) - Narcissus and Cornflower. Cornflower helped revealing the “evil face”. In the exercise, he stood behind Iris and helped her bark at Lily and Chrysanthemum. Narcissus supported Iris in revealing her spontaneous face. She wanted to feel the freedom of dancing in front of a group, but was embarrassed to do it alone. Narcissus invited her and they danced together. It was very beautiful! Since then, a lot has happened - a serious confrontation between Iris and Lilia, after which both Iris and Lilia became stronger, and their relationship became closer, and a palm fight with Chrysanthemum, which Iris was able to beat with cunning, and the assertion of her femininity withCornflower. All these events were breakthroughs for Iris, as she was able to catch her active/aggressive energy and use it to overcome her fear of people. Scenario No. 4. “Clogging the Ether” Lilia To understand and change her negative relationship scenario, Lilia came to a psychotherapeutic group. At the first meeting, she stated that she wanted the group to give her an honest assessment of herself: “What am I doing wrong? As a result, why am I so lonely in my life?” Communicating with the group members with the best intentions - to build good friendly relationships, Lilia, however, at first quickly found herself in THAT SAME situation of emotional loneliness. In her behavior, she literally “clogged the air” , and thus avoided hearing what other people actually thought about her! When asking a question, she did not listen and interrupted the answer. By talking about herself, she was, without realizing it, clearly pushing people towards what they should or should not say. Lilia unfolded her scenario in the group, creating a familiar relationship situation, but thanks to this, I (the psychotherapist) and the participants were able to see and highlight her scenario to her. Having realized it, she was able to come into deeper contact with her need for relationships and allow them to happen in the group. Lilia began to carefully accept people's responses, express her vulnerability, and rely on support. As a result, she established emotional contact with the participants, and they began to treat her with interest and warmth. She transferred this experience to her everyday life, changing her “lonely” scenario. Scenario No. 5. “Prove to me your love” Narcissist Narcissist has come, to understand: “What is the value of relationships and love?” Do you feel a contradiction between words and actions? He did not verbally feel the value of people and relationships for himself. At the same time, in action he showed a need for people and relationships (he came to the group “The Author of My Relationships”). In the group he behaved like this: When one of the participants expressed interest and sympathy for him, Narcissus perked up and became involved in the relationship. However, as soon as this other participant was a little distracted from him, began to share his difficulties, started a dialogue with someone else, Narcissus began to get bored, lost interest and tried to run away from the group in search of new experiences - dancing, or an express dating party. Bored, he openly announced this to the group, causing mixed reactions. Some perceived Narcissus's boredom as a devaluation of themselves and their experiences expressed in the group, some felt sorry for Narcissus and tried to take care of him, some even tried to entertain him. The group was worried and paid attention to Narcissus, he again perked up, became interested, after which people calmed down about him, began to talk about themselves and among themselves, and he switched off. Not verbally, he set the condition: “Either you constantly pay attention to me, prove my good attitude (and I constantly question it), or you are useless to me and I leave you (because I feel unnecessary)." When I (the therapist) highlighted to Narcissus his scenario of a “one-sided game,” he heard me, and tried to find and express HIS sympathy for each of the group members. However, it turned out that he has practically no sympathy or interest in other people, just a continuous need for their sympathy and admiration, which, having been received, still does not satiate him. Unable to bear living in a group for at least some time with this bitter, however, REALITY: honestly and openly show your indifference to the group members, and in return ask for attention and warmth to yourself, and see what happens next ( for example, would the seeds of gratitude sprout in him, which could become the basis for HIS sympathy for people?), he chose to return to isolation. In a therapeutic group consisting of ordinary people, Narcissus saw how he creates the reality in which he then lives - not only in the group, but also in his ordinary life. It was unpleasant, but it is the key that can open the door to a new life. The task of developing a Narcissist is to find and cultivate the shoots of self-interest..