From the author: The most imperfect article I have ever managed to write. There is no escape from life's losses. It is not surprising that little is said about real losses. They are mostly maintained. In this case, there is neither the energy nor the time to colorize real separations. But we brightly and skillfully embellish some losses for ourselves, loved ones. Why complicate everything if in the painted situations there are only two ways out... First (untitled): One day , in one of the TV shows about artists, I heard the following story... During filming, the creative team of actors, consisting of men, lived in a hotel and every morning they waited in the lobby for the bus to come for them. As usual, the waiting time was filled with enthusiastic discussions of “important”... And through this hall, a woman walked past them, engrossed in interesting conversations... She was like that, and she walked in such a way that everyone stopped talking and all their attention was focused on her , all important conversations dissipated like fog in the morning... Everyone was silent and were chained to her image, even when she was no longer in the hall (men, what can we take from them)... She left, but the men remained, and a protracted a pause, the meaning of which meant that everyone together and each individually was greatly lacking something... And then one, famous actor, with regret and perhaps bitterness, but sincerely (actors know how to give the right intonation) said: “And how WE are now, without her, huh?” This is the loss of losses, for decades, yes, what is there, perhaps until the end of life... For the human “ego”, and for its faithful servant of the mind, this is what is needed... Loss as a support in life, as a way to feel yourself active, alive, holding on, clinging to the edge of the cliff, so to speak. But in the language of psychoanalysis, this lady became an internal object in relation to which a picture of pleasant omnipotence was built. And for this situation, criticism is not important, and personal boundaries are built arbitrarily... And real boundaries had to be abandoned under the pressure of the pleasure principle... Next, you can consider a lot of different contexts (situations) where there is a similar colored loss and find someone who he created it himself. How can I now live without him, without her, without success, without health? Without... and so on. As you understand, these above questions are made in a collapsed form... In expanded form they will most likely look like this: How can I be perfect without him now? How can I be ideal without her now? How am I now without an absolute sense of self-worth? Maybe someone will suggest replacing the philosophical term “ideal” with the word “irreplaceable” or something else... Yes, please, everyone can have their own word... You think I’m attacking the ideal, but here it is No! But it seems to me that the term “ideal” still fits best... Only the ideal will now have to look for a new place in his soul. If something (someone) has become (has become) an idealized image (this topic was well covered by psychoanalyst Karen Horney ), then living without it became a problem. And all that remains is to suffer... How can now “I’m without a job”, “I’m without a car”, and even “I’m without my favorite T-shirt?” As you understand, anything can become an idealized image... Of course it’s time to dominate in the psyche of an idealized image depends on the realistic significance of the objects...With healthy criticism, of course. Do you still remember your first shorts? It's just great that it's not!!! A parable about monks: A group of pilgrim monks approached a ford on a mountain river. The flow of the river was strong and could easily knock them off their feet. A young woman stood next to the ford with a bundle and was afraid to cross the river into the ford. One of the monks took her in his arms and carried her to the other side. She warmly thanked the assistant, and he replied “you’re welcome.” The pilgrims moved on, and half an hour later one of the brother monks indignantly said: “Did you have the right to touch a woman, because according to your status, you should not have?” do!”Monkreplied: “My brother, I took her in my arms to carry her across the river, but then I left her on the bank! And you, you’re still carrying it!” Second (body): And now let’s ask a simple question that appeals to reality: “What about these above-mentioned losses for the body?” And what can be more real for every human being than the body? Let's return to the story with the actors, to the place where it was said with such impulse: “And what are WE now, without her?” I propose to identify with the participants in this situation. As soon as you ask this simple question and turn to the body, then immediately then the process of grounding into reality will begin... And of course there is a conflict between the real and the pleasant... In which the pleasant does not want to give in... But after 5-10 seconds your head will make several movements left and right, maybe you look to the right, so that make sure the bus has arrived, and you will remain pointed slightly to the right, waiting for the bus...The eyes will move even more often than the head...Body movements against a stuck mind? In an hour you will not remember the smell of her perfume (because you can, you’re not a wolf). Then you will work, focusing on work, then there will be anticipation of lunch, and finally lunch itself... The needs of the body, “everyday behavioral practice,” as Martin Heidegger said, will begin to displace the ideal...Gradually, the body will begin to dictate its good will to our controlling “ego”... It is generally not accepted to turn to the body for help? But that’s just what we think! But we do it differently! Yes, usually most of those who find it difficult try to think it over, or at best, feel it. So continue to deal with it with your mind. There is still no one to change this but you? Some things can be done through behavior and consciously. This is what they say the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates did in the following story: Socrates loved to walk around the market and look at various goods. He could talk in detail with the seller about the properties and benefits of the goods. But then he did not buy anything. The seller asked: “Why?” To which the philosopher answered : “So many different and interesting things that you can easily do without!” Third (consciousness): Only the bodily approach is not enough. Work with consciousness is necessary. Even normally, consciousness is not identical to being. Normally, one consciousness is not identical to another consciousness. And you should be able to deal with consciousness. In independent mode through self-awareness. Or through the expansion of consciousness in the mode of dialogue with someone external. In this story about the actors, what happened was the expansion of the stuck consciousness at the expense of the “not stuck” consciousness... Just like in the parable about the monks. Here it is very important to note whether you know how to refuse and lose (let go)? This life skill is as important as the ability to achieve a goal... It would be nice to be able to let go and lose... Or learn to do so. A very good but safe practice of letting go is “throwing away old things.” Things that you can still wear, but there is a suspicion that you will never wear them, even to the dacha. This is the same case as about the pilgrim monks. Letting go forever does NOT mean destroying it, it means finding a new place for the old (habitual, idealized) in your soul! The idea is there, as it was, only it is now non-idealized. As the Bible says: the Sabbath is for man, not man for the Sabbath. Fourth (resistance): If you have become attached to something or someone that should be lost or let go, this does not mean that now this not received/lost must be excluded from life or destroyed. This is exactly what will be a problem (This is how it will most likely be!). You will waste yourself and your loved one on resistance. Well, try moving the piano if he doesn't want to? It seems right not to exclude anything, but just to find a new place for storage. To put it metaphorically, move it to another shelf, with a different purpose. My favorite shorts have long since sunk into oblivion, but there remains a pleasant feeling of how it was. It no longer makes sense to remember where they are after washing. You are completely free from worrying about … ?»