How often have you heard the question as a child or asked it to your children, “You want to be a good girl/boy?” Despite its apparent simplicity, this question in many ways begins to determine our lives in the future. There are several hidden messages in it: the way you are now, you are not good, while you are a blank, you have yet to become a “Pinocchio”. You learn the first and main lesson of rejection, and if your parents’ ideas about “goodness” are in uncompromising contradiction, you will have to become a two-faced “Pinocchio” (the problem increases sharply with the active participation of grandparents); you risk losing the love and care of your parents by following your the true “I” without taking into account the “wishes” of the parents. The smaller the child, the deeper is his emotional dependence on his parents and those close to them who replace them. Therefore, the fear of losing their affection is unbearable for the baby. In such a situation, the greater the gap between the child’s true “I” and the demands placed on him by the adults who are important to him (why are you so slow, who are you so greedy for, how do you place your foot when walking, etc.) the at a deeper level, there must be a rejection of the true “I” in favor of someone else’s idea of ​​it. He must become what he is not. In essence, transformation occurs under the fear of being rejected, expelled from the parental field. Closer to the age of three, a child can go for his true “I” and try to win his right to be himself. However, if all this time he experienced a colossal deficit of parental love, warmth and care, he will not risk losing even these crumbs. This is the story of the great betrayal of the most important and important person in the world, himself. You are no longer him, you are who others want to see in you. Now you are sharpening all your senses in order to sensitively pick up any signals. You are mastering the craft of obsequiousness more and more, now you serve others, because you have not had one for a long time. You are filled with different feelings, the main ones being guilt and fear of loneliness. Guilt torments and torments you, as if in a movie the enchanted Ella, possessing the gift of obedience, you cannot resist and say the word “no”. As you age, you become dependent on the assessments and ideas of “goodness” not only from your parents, but also from people who are strangers by blood (partner, colleagues, bosses, neighbors, even passengers on public transport). You are still deaf to your own needs, interests, it is difficult for you to understand your own desires. Finally, you begin to notice that emptiness fills you inside, like a black hole it becomes bigger and bigger. This place, once in the distant past, was your “I”, and then it was gone. How to discover yourself again?1. You will have to stop idealizing your parents; they, too, were probably once turned into “Pinocchio” in their distant childhood. They did not know any other way; for them this path was the only correct upbringing mechanism.2. You need to get to know yourself again, for example, as the heroine of the films “Runaway Bride” and “Eat Pray Love” did. In this case, you will need to reconfigure your senses, which, instead of external signals, will now pick up internal signals, your own. Two questions to help you: What is happening to me at the moment? (namely: What am I doing now? How am I feeling? What am I thinking? How am I breathing?) What would I like to happen next? That is, do I want to continue doing, thinking, feeling and breathing the same way? Or do I want to change something?” One of the most important psychotherapeutic principles says: internal changes occur to a person when he becomes himself, and not when he tries to be like others. Neither from the decision “to be better”, nor from “ efforts" to change, no changes will occur either from the demands of the authorities, or from the requests and persuasion of Significant Others.-