Often people complain about their loved ones, saying that they do so much for them, help with all their might, and in return they receive a lot of negativity and criticism. The desire to help comes out sideways, no one appreciates the noble impulses of the soul. From a psychological point of view, the situation is clear - with unsolicited help, a person violates other people’s boundaries, behaves immaturely and selfishly. But the rescuer himself thinks differently: can help do harm? My answer is that everything is good in moderation. You also need to be able to help. And now I will reveal three rules of charity that are important to know if you count on gratitude. How to help correctly? Rule 1. Support is appropriate when you yourself are in the resource. Don’t interfere with your help, if you have a lot of unresolved problems, don’t give advice in areas where you yourself are poor swimmers. People often try to escape from themselves, to compensate for their loneliness by helping other lost souls. This is wrong: what can an unhappy, tired, wounded person teach? Heal yourself, and then heal others. If you are depressed or have lost something important to yourself, do not look for those who are worse off than you - focus on yourself. Restore your reserves of strength and energy, restore inner harmony - and people themselves will reach out to you for help, you will become a support and example for others. The habit of getting lost in other people's troubles for the sake of your own peace and benefit is a banal disrespect for loved ones. Rule 2. Do not provide help unless you are asked to. This mistake is made by over-caring parents who, with excessive care, kill the independence and initiative of their children. As a result, the family grows up as “vegetables” who are unadapted to life and who blame mom and dad for all their troubles. This also includes codependent partners who are accustomed to saving cheaters, alcoholics and gambling addicts from their addictions. And also those who like to read lectures and impose their will on everyone: “I gave him everything, and he went to someone else,” “I hired her the best nutritionists, but she didn’t need anything.” Before helping, ask yourself: is this necessary? you or another person, were you asked to help at all or did you call yourself? No one has the right to pry into someone else’s life without permission and impose their own order there – this is a disrespectful attitude. They ask you to participate, but if you don’t, there is no trial. Don’t pretend to be the smartest, don’t put your “I” above others - you can’t know what’s best, you can’t dictate how and who to live. By teaching, criticizing, saving a person against his will, you humiliate him and cause justifiable indignation. And if someone smart comes to your house with his own rules and starts molding you into another person, will you like it? Rule 3. Remember the Pareto principle - most of the actions should be done by the one asking When they turn to you for help, do not take everything into your own hands, so you deprive a person of experience. Do you or him need it? The task of the helper is to give an impetus, to guide, but not to live life for another person. The Pareto principle says: 20% of actions are done by you, 80% remains on the conscience of the person asking. If the other party is interested in improving their life, they will thank you, but if not, they will be offended by you, they will pressure you with pity and guilt, just to shift responsibility. Do not fall for these manipulations, so as not to raise a parasite unadapted to real life. There is a big difference between giving a person a fish or teaching him to catch one; the vector of his whole life depends on this. As you can see, the laws are simple. Don’t force help, don’t come up with “truths” that you don’t use yourself, and of course, don’t deprive people of the necessary experience in solving problems. And if you feel a lot of energy that you have nowhere to put, help animal shelters, children’s institutions or nursing homes. It will be much more useful that way!