Emotional intelligence. How to stand up for yourself. ANGER and DEFENSE OF GUARDS. Emotional intelligence is based on feelings. Why are feelings needed? Feelings arise as a consequence of a stimulus so that we make the reaction necessary for self-preservation. There is a chain: STIMULUS – FEELING – RESPONSE. For example, if you touched a hot frying pan, you got burned, felt pain and pulled your hand away. A hot frying pan is a stimulus. The feeling of pain is a consequence. And then, for self-preservation, the person makes a reaction - he pulls his hand away so that a more severe burn does not occur. The feeling of pain helped protect yourself! This was a physical example. Now let's look at an example in the field of relationships. So, you have prepared some food for yourself, because... decided to take care of ourselves. They brought it to work and put it in the refrigerator. And at lunch they saw that I had taken out your container and was eating your food. What feeling would you have? I assume bewilderment (where did Sveta come from at my job? ))) And, I think, dissatisfaction - anger. Anger means that I appropriated yours for myself. I'm encroaching on yours. I am breaking the boundaries of what is permitted. I'm trespassing on your boundary. Do I need to be weaned from this behavior? Stop it? Certainly! And then the question arises of stopping my behavior. Anger is given to a person to protect himself. And what is the way out? Say “Why the fuck are you taking my food?!” Well, for example. Or “I get angry when people take my container without asking. This food was calculated; I couldn’t buy it for myself in the canteen. It is unacceptable that they take my containers. Please don't do that again." There are different options for stopping unacceptable behavior. And you can come up with hundreds of answers. It would seem that everything is simple: There was an incentive - they took yours without asking. Anger arose. Anger forms the reaction necessary for self-preservation - defending your rights to your food. And suppression of violations. But the difficulty arises with 1) Identification of feeling. 2) With a reaction. People are generally not used to making choices that are useful for self-preservation and that stem from feelings. In this example, out of anger. That is, people are NOT USED TO SELF-PRESERVATION and DEFENSE! What excuses arise before the adequate reaction of standing up for your food? Approximately the following: • Am I sorry? Let him eat (shame). • How will I look? Some kind of greed (shame). • We must share. We must help each other (debt and guilt). • Poor thing! She's probably hungry (pity). • She will be offended and judge me for not sharing. He will start treating me worse. And we will stop communicating (fear of losing contact). SELF-DEFENSE IS BLOCKED by: Pity, shame, guilt and fear. These feelings toxically poison a person and prevent them from standing up for their rights. How did a person stop pursuing the protection of his interests? The fact is that anger is prohibited. People who get angry and use anger to defend their interests are VERY unprofitable people. They get in the way. They are very uncomfortable. And above all, such people are not convenient for their parents. A child would like to play with his new toy, but they say to him, “You are so greedy! Let me play." Reacts to a child's crying with reprimand. And then the child learns to give up his own. Over time, the child stops feeling angry. And he just gives it away. Stops feeling the right to possess. And he gets hooked on debt and guilt. Or a child cries and screams when they dress him in an unpleasant, scratchy sweater. I would like to dress in soft ones. But the parent imposes his choice (because he is too lazy to figure out what the child wants and why he is crying). And the answer to the child’s reaction is “Why are you screaming! It’s not nice to behave like that!” That is, the parent prohibits expressing dissatisfaction and shames the child. Or you can say, “Why are you shouting! I try so hard for you, but you don’t appreciate it at all!” Then the child is plunged into a feeling of guilt. With the help of guilt or shame, they forbid wanting their own. It happens that they just scream when a child is angry. For example, you want to go play in the yard, but your parent forces you to do something around the house. The child is rebellingexpresses dissatisfaction. And they start yelling at him. Then fear is formed. Shame, guilt and fear are very beneficial mechanisms for controlling children. The child's desires are turned off. Such a child will be very convenient for parents. But this person will not be able to realize himself in life, do what he likes, or compete. Because a person’s right to defend his interests was taken away from childhood. Developed emotional intelligence is the ability to identify your feelings and make life choices based on them. It is also the ability to understand the feelings of other people and, based on this, communicate with them. And then how to develop emotional intelligence, begin to hear your feelings and respond adequately from them? Start identifying them. For this purpose I have attached a dictionary of feelings. I suggest starting with a feeling of anger. That is, to unlock your desires and rights that were taken away with the help of guilt, shame and fear. How to do it? 1. WRITTEN ANALYSIS. When an unpleasant situation arises, ask yourself how I feel. Look at the table. And write down: a) the situation, b) the feeling and c) the reason - the reason always lies in a violation of rights / interests, as well as unaccounted for desires. “When a) happened..... then I felt b) anger (irritation, dissatisfaction, annoyance), because... my c was violated) ... (they didn’t take into account / didn’t care / ignored ....)” For example: • When (situation) my friend forgot about the meeting, didn’t warn me and didn’t come, then I (feeling) got angry, because. (the reason is the violation of my rights and interests) she violated the agreement and disrespected my plans and the time of my life. • When (situation) a man does not kiss me, but only quickly makes friction, quickly achieves his orgasm, and then turns to the wall, then I (feeling) feel annoyed and indignant because... (the reason is that my rights and desires were not realized) I did not receive pleasure and my right to receive pleasure from sex was not realized. 2. AWARENESS. Write it down. Write: situation – feeling – reason. It works! And after this it will become clear how many desires and rights have been trampled. This is painful to realize. But this is the first step to a joyful and free life. 3. CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW REACTION. Try to write answers to people from your unrealized needs, desires, unaccounted for rights. For example: • It is very important to me that people give notice when an appointment is cancelled. My time is planned. Please call me if you cannot come on time. • I need your kisses and hugs before sex. Kiss my neck, darling. 4. ACTION. Guilt, shame and fear will stand in the way of these answers. You know, these are imposed feelings. This is how they made the child convenient for the parents. And you can live your whole life in slavery to guilt, shame and fear. Try to react in a new way. Express your dissatisfaction, state your desire, say “no” if you don’t like something. If it’s hard to be alone, then think about who you could turn to for support. It helps me a lot to ask for help from people who support me. I call them and talk through situations, feelings and reasons. And that I’m afraid (ashamed) to express my dissatisfaction, desires, interests, needs. So, emotional intelligence helps you act profitably in the world based on an understanding of your feelings. Feelings are needed in order to respond to stimuli from the environment and determine the correct reaction for self-preservation. What does the feeling of anger mean? That borders, rights, interests have been violated, desires have not been taken into account. In childhood, to exercise control, parents shamed, blamed, or instilled fear when the child expressed his dissatisfaction or desires. The child was forbidden to be angry. They were forbidden to defend themselves using anger. And in adulthood, a person with a ban on anger cannot realize his potential and defend his rights. What to do? I suggest analyzing unpleasant situations. And identify blocked feelings of anger and unfulfilled desires and rights. Write new reactions. And try to act in a new way. Talk about something that doesn't suit you.