The ability to experience normal feelings of guilt is one of the leading indicators of personal maturity. No matter how careful and careful we are in communication, we still sometimes offend each other, sometimes under the influence of emotions we say too harsh things, sometimes our interests collide, and we have to argue. It is impossible to avoid guilt-related situations while in a relationship. They are absolutely normal. An apology is the logical final stage of experiencing guilt. It serves several important functions: When we truly ask for forgiveness, we make our relationship partner feel that his or her feelings are important to us (in this case, their pain, hurt, or sadness). This is exactly what, at the level of action, corresponds to the words: “you are dear to me,” “you are important to me,” “I appreciate you.” If we talk about this to our partner, but are never able to apologize if we offended him (accidentally or intentionally), such words are devalued because they are not confirmed by action. When we ask for forgiveness, we help end the conflict and renew contact. The ultimate goal of this process is not to “pass judgment,” but to ensure that we continue to communicate while causing each other as little pain as possible. When we ask for forgiveness and our apology is accepted, we restore our inner balance and sense of self. It also strengthens our self-esteem because we behave in a mature manner and are able to admit mistakes. Why is this so difficult? Since we are not born with the ready ability to apologize and ask for forgiveness, we are usually taught this in our families. It is there that we learn what this action is and when it is required of us. And quite often we hear something like: “Go apologize to your friend, you offended him!” The problem is that such teaching is often mechanical, parents do not explain to us why we should apologize, and what it even means. As a result, we internalize only words, without emotional content (often at the moment of an apology we feel something completely different - indignation, anger, awkwardness, shame - and not guilt at all). And we get used to the fact that these words are associated with violence against us (because our parents force us to ask for forgiveness, although we don’t want it). Naturally, in the future we will try to avoid the need to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes the phrase “Go and apologize” is adjacent to the phrase “Shame on you!” And this completely confuses the child. Because shame is linked to identity, it reflects an emotional assessment of who I am (and how far I differ from the ideal). The feeling of shame is not addressed to the partner (like guilt), it is directed towards oneself. At the same time, there is no point in apologizing for who I am (for my identity). You can only ask for forgiveness for specific words or actions that occurred in a relationship. We can speak and act differently, and by apologizing we can change our behavior. We cannot stop being ourselves. As a result, feelings of guilt and feelings of shame are mixed, and most often the feeling of shame begins to replace guilt. As a result, every time the need to ask for forgiveness arises, somewhere inside it seems to us that in order to do this we need to stop being ourselves (since at this moment we are motivated by shame). And a seemingly simple apology is experienced on a deeper level as a threat to personal integrity. And under such conditions, we will try to avoid apologizing in every possible way. Another important point is that when parents (and adults in general) teach us to apologize, more often they do it in words, rather than by example. That is, they do not ask for forgiveness from us (and often from each other either). And this deprives us of two important things. Firstly, the opportunity to see how it is done. And secondly, the opportunity to feel how your internal state and relationships change when this happens, how it makes you feel better and warmer. It is this experience that allows apologies to be filled