Although we have been in contact with our social environment since childhood, for many people it is communication with others that is the source of problems. Even if we do not take into account severe cases that require treatment (for example, social phobias, when a person cannot leave the house at all and is afraid of any social contacts), many people have certain difficulties in the field of social interaction: Some people cannot defend their interests, even when they are completely right. Others cannot express their feelings in a way that their partner can understand. Over time, they become embittered, withdraw into themselves, become a “person in a case” and are offended by the whole world. Still others cannot establish contact at all with the person they would like to meet. They are neither able to build social relationships. It’s as if something is holding them back, preventing them from taking a step towards the other. Some are too tactful, afraid to object or offend, to say “no” in response to someone’s request or demand. As a result, they find themselves in the position of cart-drawn donkeys, on which everyone “carries water.” Many are too modest, very afraid of “evaluating glances” and “talking behind their backs.” They are not at all against becoming a leader and secretly dream about it, but in real life they continue to remain a “gray mouse.” This makes it easier and calmer for them. The paradox is that such behavior in no way saves them from sidelong glances and misunderstandings. Those who try to be modest and inconspicuous get their bones washed no less than prominent leaders. And sometimes much more. This is because the former (unlike the latter) often do not know how to stand up for themselves. They seem to be wearing a T-shirt with the inscription: “I am gray and inconspicuous, don’t hit me.” And such a life motto is precisely what gives many people the desire to “hit”, to establish themselves at the expense of the “modest”. There are plenty of such “predator” people in life. Therefore, those people who believe that the more modest they behave, the less negative assessments and “sidelong” glances they receive are very mistaken. Uncertainty and fear of communication sometimes stem from the inability to understand people. It is as if a person does not hear those around him, does not understand their emotions, shades of speech - and this is the same as talking to a stone wall. Due to constant failures in communication, a negative emotional charge accumulates - resentment, bitterness, fear, despair. Unresolved problems and conflicts settle in the subconscious, cause a depressed state and create a constant negative background in life. Sometimes our entire way of life from birth is aimed at nurturing insecurity. Family, kindergarten, school... Alas, adults often rush to break the child as a person early, demanding first of all obedience, and only then everything else. Those in power are also interested in this. Pay attention to modern media: trends in news selection are very telling. They contribute to the cultivation of our lack of confidence in ourselves and in the future. They create a feeling of insecurity, dependence on the next king-father, who will take care of us and solve all our problems and adversities. Intimidated, insecure people are always easier to manage. But is this beneficial to us? If you can say with a pure heart that you do not have such problems at all, then you are truly a perfect person. Congratulations. However, such perfect people are rare. Most have some kind of communication difficulties. Some are afraid of meeting people of the opposite sex, others are afraid of speaking in public... If you have not yet closed this web page and continue to read this text, then we believe that you are one of those people who have everything There are certain problems in communication. We want to help you find a solution to them. How can you overcome the fear of communication and uncertainty? Let's start with simple and basic things. Their advantage is that you do not need outside help to master them. You do not need to see a qualified psychologist or psychotherapist. You can have thempractice on your own. However, you will not be able to improve your social competence by simply reading this text. You can't learn to swim without jumping into the water. You cannot learn to communicate and defend your opinion without defending it. Calmness and lack of uncertainty depend on experience of communication in different situations. The more experience, the less uncertainty. Therefore, we offer you a number of exercises for training. We believe that you can only achieve real change when you try something new and experiment with your behavior, even if this leads to some mistakes. Remember: change will not happen overnight. There are several stages you need to go through. To learn to feel more free in communication, you need to be focused on the process of communication itself, and not on your internal reactions and fear of failure. There is an interesting paradox: you will only start making a good impression on people when you stop focusing on it. Remember how little children communicate - easily and directly, without thinking about what others will think of them. Everyone has fears and complexes, but not everyone makes them an object of worship. To get rid of uncertainty, you need to learn to be focused on the communication process itself, and not on your internal fears. After all, in any important conversation it is very important to see the reaction of the interlocutor and, by words, gestures, facial expressions or intonation, to understand him, to find out what exactly he means. And depending on this, look for convincing arguments and effectively correct your own behavior. And when you look deep into yourself - at what burns you from the inside - you, accordingly, do not see your interlocutor. Hence, failures in communication. The fact is that external communication and internal dialogue with oneself are two different psychological processes. They cannot be solved simultaneously, only sequentially. If in the process of communication a person tries to mix them (to simultaneously observe what is happening outside and inside him), then his brain “freezes” like the Windows operating system. Because of this, all sorts of problems begin: physiological (dry throat, sweat on the forehead, stuttering) and psychological (from not knowing “what to say” at a crucial moment to the inability to defend one’s interests). Therefore, when you communicate, you should be focused on your interlocutor and his behavior, and not on your thoughts and feelings deep down. Do it. There is another strange rule that has been tested many times in practice. The path to success is the only type of activity in which YOU DO NOT OWE ANYTHING TO ANYONE!!! Live first of all according to your moral laws, and not in accordance with the assessments and demands of others. The paradox is that those people who can really appreciate you are unlikely to appreciate you. And if someone “looks askance” at you or discusses you behind your back, then this is clearly not the person whose opinion you should listen to. “He who understands does not evaluate; and whoever evaluates does not understand,” is an old Chinese wisdom. Only on this basis can you overcome uncertainty and fear, discover new possibilities for life: inner freedom, success, joy, understanding of others, leadership... If you understand and accept this , then you will be able to find the strength to communicate on equal terms with a variety of people and defend your point of view. Now think about what you fear, what is the cause of your fear? Remember the most unpleasant communication situations that happened to you. Or imagine the worst thing that can happen during your contacts with others. For example, a crowd of people has gathered around, everyone is pointing a finger at you, laughing at your mistakes in words and sentences, spitting at you, throwing rotten eggs at you, hanging you by your feet and burning you at the stake - just because you behave “wrong” you lead and say the wrong thing. And you turn into a pile of ash. After this, you can mentally place the urn with asheswherever you want. And then imagine how you are reborn from the ashes, like the Phoenix Bird. And you start living again. And it’s always like this: you are burned, and you are reborn again and again. They shoot you, they want to grind you into powder, and you are resurrected again. You get knocked down, face first on the asphalt, and you get back up. And every time you become stronger and stronger. With each rebirth, your uncertainty decreases. And then take a piece of paper and write a list of all the worst horrors that can happen to you during various communication situations. And also all the possible intrigues of those around you with whom you communicate. And your possible inconvenience from these intrigues. And then take another piece of paper and write down the positive moments that you will gain for yourself by getting rid of your fear and uncertainty. Try to find at least 5 positive points, and preferably 10-15. Next, place the two sheets of paper side by side and compare. What outweighs? What is more important to you? Fear of the evaluations of others or future peace of mind, psychological balance and success in life? Whatever is more important to you, do so. Burn the leaf that is less important to you and scatter it to the wind. And hang the more important one on the wall (put it under glass) and re-read it regularly. This will be your life choice. We hope that you made the right choice. Therefore, now let’s move directly to practice. From now on, try to effectively use any excuse to communicate. Not just at work or with family. First of all, outside your usual social circle. At first, these should be complete strangers - it will be easier for you. You don’t know them, they don’t know you, if something goes wrong, it’s okay. No problem, because you will never see them again. Don't dwell on possible failures. Now what is important to us is not the quality of your contacts with others, but their quantity. The result itself is not at all important at first, the process is important. Therefore, it is better to start with completely random people, communication with whom does not oblige you to anything and possible failures with them do not affect anything. For example, make it a rule to talk to every taxi driver (if you take a taxi) and ask him to reduce the fare. Or drive faster (under the pretext that you are late) or vice versa - drive slower, open/close the window (you are hot or cold), turn on the music (“I’m bored!”) or vice versa turn it off (“your music bothers me!” ). There can be a lot of such everyday excuses for developing confidence and defending one’s interests. Insolent fellow travelers on transport, salespeople in a store, cleaners, neighbors on the landing... Here is your motto for the coming months: “Exchange at least 2-3 phrases with at least 2-3 strangers every day.” The topics for your requirements can be any. And people, accordingly, are also any kind. Just try to follow this rule strictly, without giving yourself any discounts, concessions or days off. Don’t come up with any self-justifications like “I have no time today, I’m not in the mood and my head hurts.” The main thing is regularity. After all, the habits that you have formed throughout your life can hardly be changed in one or two days. You need to spend some time. Often this is working through “I can’t” or “I don’t want” - here everything will depend on your self-discipline. The strength of your persistence will show you whether you really want to get rid of insecurity. If you have difficulty choosing these situations yourself, the following exercise will help you. It was developed by German psychologists. An approximate list of situations in which you can practice confident behavior. First, read these situations and evaluate how difficult they are for you. Next to the most difficult situation, put eight points, and next to the easiest situation, one point. (1) Select a suitable store (radio electronics, furniture store, or something similar). Ask the sellers to show you one or more products and give you detailed advice.Thank you for the consultation and leave the store without buying anything. (2) Go to a very expensive and fashionable store (an elite boutique with haute couture clothing, a luxury car dealership, etc.) and look at the products with interest. Take a few expensive items in your hands. When a salesperson approaches you (“...what are you interested in, can I help you?”) say, “Thank you, I just want to take a look.” Don't make excuses or apologize. Just look at the goods for a long time and do not buy anything, regardless of the possible dissatisfaction of the seller. (3) Go to the store and change money at the cashier (for telephone calls or for cigarettes). Do not give any long explanations or justifications, but only briefly state your request.(4) Approach a passerby on the street and ask him to change money for you in order to call (or buy cigarettes).(5) Approach a passerby on the street and ask them to give you some money (for example, for a metro ticket). State only your request and use the word “give.” If the person asks questions, justify your request by saying that you allegedly forgot your wallet at home. (6) Go to a cafe and ask to use their phone. Do not order anything, despite all the demands of the waiters, but only talk on the phone. (First, think about who you could call)(7) Get on a crowded bus (subway car) and politely ask one passenger to give you a seat, without explaining the reason. In response to the question, you can answer that you are not feeling well. (8) You come to a cafe, see an attractive girl there (woman, young man, man...) and try to get acquainted with her (him) and make contacts. For example, you suggest going to the cinema together. You can add any other situations to this list and adjust the number of points accordingly. Now choose your first situation and practice over the next week. After a week, take the second one, etc. After working out the next situation, add the points received to the total. This will be your personal achievement rating. You can start with the easiest situation for you, or vice versa - with the most difficult. The only important thing is that you make sure to put each of them into practice. Do not pay attention to possible failures, but never forget to praise yourself for what you did well! Avoid self-criticism and self-hatred! Feelings of guilt and self-flagellation have never contributed to high achievements; on the contrary, they often suppress all positive shoots of self-development. And one more thing: there is no need to compare yourself with the ideal, thoughts about which probably never leave you. Don't place high demands on yourself. You should feel proud and satisfied, even when you are moving just one step forward! The following are guidelines for being confident in training situations. Before the situation: Have a positive attitude (“I can do this,” “I have every right to do this”). In the situation: Speak loudly and clearly, but do not shout. Look your partner in the eyes (eye contact). Be free and relaxed. Express your demands, desires and feelings using the word “I”. Don’t apologize if you ask for something - either or make any demands. Just thank the person for the service provided. Do not become aggressive, behave calmly and confidently. Aggression is the other side of self-doubt. Your goal is not to offend the other person. There is no need to belittle or insult your interlocutor. Show that you respect the other's position. After the situation: Appreciate all your efforts and count even the small success you have achieved. Praise yourself for the results you achieved. If there is no success, praise yourself for just trying - after all, you overcame your own fear and uncertainty when you took the first step towards communication. After a few weeks of such constant practice, you will notice that the problem of uncertainty begins to gradually disappear. By herself.!