My childhood script was formed in adolescence. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. My sister and I stayed to live with our mother. It was a strong blow for my mother. The divorce coincided with the death of her mother. Life bombed on all fronts. The emotional background at home was very difficult; a series of losses took all the strength from my mother, a significant person and a beloved partner. There was bereavement, bitterness, frustration and, it seems to me, a lot of resentment hanging in the air. With all this, my mother did not choose to grieve, she chose to work, wash away her grief and isolate herself. From the outside it may not seem like the best way to cope with loss, but let's not do justice and accept the fact that my mother chose the best that was available to her at the time in order to process the amount of crap that had befallen her. I was 12 years old and was scared. During this period, I saw the death of my grandmother, my broken mother, my guilty father, and my frightened sister. Before my eyes, the scenes of the burial of the grandmother, the boy seeking warmth, and personal loneliness were forever imprinted in my memory. I had to ignore my feelings, because there was no one to bring them to, and in general I didn’t even know how to do it. In my family, my father warmed and sympathized, but we saw him on weekends. Mom has changed. For some reason it was impossible to talk about my father, especially about how good I felt with him. At some moments in our interaction, my harshness or impulsiveness could cause tears, and then there would be a “century-old” silence from my mother. It was interrupted naturally when I apologized and asked for forgiveness, although I still don’t understand why. Mom thawed out, and that was enough. Unconsciously, I learned in these relationships to shift my attention to the other person. Once again, when my mother was offended and gave me a “spanking” in the form of a week of silence, I said inside myself: “My woman will never cry.” Then I split into two parts. I have rejected the part of myself that wants love, affection and demands it, and therefore sometimes gets angry and makes trouble. And I connected with the second one - attentive, sensitive, heroic and selfless, who very well learned to determine the needs and desires of another. You can probably guess how my script influenced my relationships with women. I perceived any hint of dissatisfaction from a woman as a threat to our relationship. I was very good at guessing what my partner wanted and hitting the target. This could not help but delight. Imagine, you haven’t even thought about the fact that you want scrambled eggs for breakfast, but they’re already ready. Isn't this a miracle? What a wonderful partner. However, you have to pay for everything. Having split off the part of myself that wants something, I stopped saying what I like, what I need from a partner. I began to follow my mother's strategy of taking cold showers whenever I wanted something. If I didn’t receive this, I began to leave the relationship without explanation. This was the best possible solution. Since talking about what I want in a relationship is like death, as it can cause her tears. Wanting to spend time with something other than your partner sounded like it wasn't true love. Well, all sorts of jokes that revolved around one thing. Talking about yourself is dangerous, it can end in rejection or separation. In 2017, my psychotherapy began. Real, long-term, 3 years. Individual and group. How has she changed me? It's simple, although not quick. In Gestalt therapy, experience is of central importance. Thanks to him, changes happen. I systematically gained new experience communicating with a female psychotherapist. I checked to see if my reactions offended her, but these? What if I'm not comfortable? What if I start to get angry? I dared to go to a therapy group. There I also took risks and showed my feelings towards the women in the group. I told them what I liked and what I didn’t like. I argued with them, stopped them, even offended them, or rather, I saw how they were offended. And everyone remained alive, moreover, we started strong?