From the author: This article will be useful for both professionals and parents. Crisis of 3 years. I do not want and I will not. No!!! Usually by the age of 3, and sometimes much earlier (immediately after 2), your dear, sweet Baby or Baby, so touching, usually easily controlled, suddenly throws up the first scandal about something that can’t even be called a reason: the wrong car was taken for a walk, but he wanted that racing one, they put on a dress, and not what she wanted or she didn’t want a dress at all.... Here the reason doesn’t matter, the word itself WANTED (A) is important. And here is the first dilemma. Only yesterday you could have persuaded the Kid at such a moment, distracted him, or at least come to an agreement. Today, none of these options work. The baby is able to protest long and persistently and does not give in under any circumstances. At first, as a rule, you find an excuse for this behavior: you’re tired, you’ve been out for a long time, your relatives are visiting, etc. and very soon such “concerts” become a mandatory part of the program of your life with the Kid. And then every day brings new joys - screams and tears for no reason, falling on the floor and throwing everything in a row at everyone, and even such “terrible” words addressed to mom: “Go away! You are bad! I don’t love you!” Here I will stop listing the horror stories and congratulate you. The same crisis of negativism or crisis of 3, which you probably read or heard about, has come to you. In the near future, your life will be very emotionally rich and every day will be unique. This period is called the time of “negativism” because the main emotions and words in your child’s life at this wonderful age become: NO, I DO NOT want and I WILL NOT, and in any case about... and without. Sometimes a child contradicts himself and is ready to prove it to the end. For example, you already see that he is almost falling asleep over the plate, but if you start putting the Baby to bed or persuading him to go to bed, a concert is guaranteed. It must be said that some Babies do not use this period so actively. Sometimes everything goes away quickly, like a cold, sometimes there are two or three scandals and complete silence. But some are less fortunate and life in a combat zone continues until the age of 4. A common request from parents during this period is: “What should I do? He doesn’t listen to me!” That’s right. The main manifestation of negativism is stubborn resistance to the will of the parents. Here I will retreat a little from the topic of the 3-year crisis and explain what happened before it. From the moment of birth until the moment you realized that your 3-year-old was “in crisis”, your life together took place according to the following laws: you gave the child love and care, he unconditionally accepted and followed the program laid down by nature - do like a mother (dad) said - you will survive. Now the child has grown up and such an incomprehensible, but very strong internal state has arisen in him - “I!” The thing is that the period of another leap in development has come and your Baby is ready for the next step - yes, another step away from you, towards the big world. This is another step of separation, that is, separation from the Parent, which you will go through together. How? Read on. This is a very important and interesting moment from the point of view of the development of attachment, there are both new opportunities and great risks, so it is worth considering it in more detail. What happens when a child does not listen? The fact is that if you take a closer look, putting emotions aside, it will become clear that disobedience occurs when the child, from his point of view, considers our behavior not to be the usual one - love and care, but quite the opposite. For example, he is watching a cartoon, and you come up and say that that’s it, “there will be no movie”, it’s time to sleep! Or he just got to the center of the universe in the sandbox, and you are collecting his toys with the words “it’s time to go home”! This, in his opinion, is not a concern at all, but... well, something incomprehensible is just happening here - his mother, who used to be the source of all that is most blissful and beautiful, suddenly becomes a source of mockery of his “I”! The world is falling apart, isn't my mom the same? What is happening? There is a certain peculiarity - at this age, the Baby’s brain has not yet maturedenough to regulate his own emotions and what happens during a scandal completely captivates the Kid, he hears nothing, he is filled with anger and resentment, real grief! And what should we do about this? The first way that comes to mind for many is to return the Baby to the state of blindly following his mother - otherwise he will not survive - and the mother puts the Baby in life-threatening conditions (according to the child, of course) - and so on. The imagination of adults is very wide: we call Barmaley (policeman, Baba Yaga) or even cooler! We show that now, right now we will leave without him. You can even without these horrors, but just shout loudly and menacingly. And that’s it, the instinct has worked, the Baby is scared, he is looking for protection - care and obedience is activated, which we perceive as our own achievement. BUT! The kid did not learn anything at this moment, he was scared and returned to his early age. Of course, there are moments in life when you cannot do without harsh words or actions. When it comes to life safety. At this moment, your task is simply to stop the dangerous action and that’s it. There is also a dangerous moment here. You can overdo it and scare the Kid too much, and then another familiar program will work: if something very scary happens, scream! And the Kid desperately begins to fulfill what nature has laid down, and the mother demands “to stop yelling immediately (in the store, at a party, in front of Grandma), instead of the expected support, the Kid receives great frustration and continues to desperately signal “Save me!” - and the mother is sure that “he is manipulating this.” , to achieve your goal.” You’re probably now thinking: well, yes, everything is exactly like that, so what can you do with it, how can you live without going crazy? Answer: the coach and the Big Sleeping Cat. I’ll tell you now. But I’ll start with the fact that at this age and almost before school, children do nothing out of spite, do not manipulate. It’s just that the child is not able to plan his actions so that the “enemy” reacts in exactly the way that the Kid needs in this situation. That is, he is simply not able to predict the development of the situation. It’s just that the areas of the brain necessary for these mental actions have not yet matured, and this has been proven by science. What is really happening? It’s just that the Kid is growing quickly, every day he can do something new. And an internal state appears: I can do anything! And this is where the conflict arises. With our developed brains, we see the situation in full, what comes first and what comes next, we can clearly explain why we need to put on this particular hat now and we can’t throw dirt at someone else’s aunt, but the Kid desperately wants this, in full confidence that he can do it. We say no, he says yes. Bang! Mom is angry, the baby is screaming in tears. Conflicts are a normal course of life, they are a clash of opinions, interests and needs. But people behave differently in conflicts. Some people avoid them and give in “without a fight,” others argue desperately “until they are hoarse, until there is a fight.” Of course, these are extremes, but this is how we, as it were, choose from the possible ways to solve the problem exactly the one that, in our opinion, is suitable: agree, retreat, insist on our own, bargain, or come up with something else. We are adults, we have an arsenal. The Kid doesn't have it yet. Therefore, this difficult period was given to both you and the Kid for a reason. This is the time for you to teach him to insist on his own, to conflict. And as a coach with extensive experience, you can teach your child the strategies that you yourself are fluent in. And here the following is important: in such a situation, you are not an opponent, but a partner who parries in such a way that it will not hurt, will teach and will not offend. And here’s a hint: during your clashes, your task is to provide the Kid with various ways of responding to the conflict: sometimes to give in, and sometimes to turn it into a game, you can negotiate, or you can insist on your own, because of course there is something that you will never be able to resolve .I don’t want to get dressed - fetch dad. Buy a car - let’s go check if you already have one. I won’t collect toys - you’re tired today, I’ll help you collect only the cubes, butthe rest is you. The baby learns to live in a world where you can’t always do what you desperately want and your desires do not coincide with others. This is precisely the task of the 3-year-old. So - Sleeping Cat. This time tests not only our nerves, but also, oddly enough, our love and affection, which was completely unconditional before this period. And this is what is important here. An adult should always remain an adult and not be afraid of children’s “concerts” and tears, and not fight with the Kid on equal terms using his own methods. The baby needs his Adult, strong, confident that he is doing everything right, from whom he expects protection and support. That is, the Adult must always dominate, not subjugating and oppressing, but helping and caring. The Kid will feel equally bad with an Adult who is infantile and with someone who doesn’t feel the Kid’s needs. After all, you can give in from the Adult’s position: “I don’t think it’s worth taking all 5 cars for a walk, but I see how you want it and therefore I allow it.” take everything, I’ll help you.” And from the position of a weak Adult it would be like this: “Leave me alone with your cars, take what you want, just don’t cry!” You can also prohibit and refuse from the position of a caring and dominant Adult: prohibiting, sympathizing, maintaining contact and using containment: voicing the Baby’s emotion , accept it and live with him together. Something like this: “I understand that you really want to watch a cartoon, but it’s time to go to bed. Are you sad? Go, my dear, I will feel sorry for you." And from a position of strength it will be like this: “So quickly I got up and went to bed! Aren’t you ashamed to upset your mother like that!” At the same time, it often happens that if an Adult does not bring himself to the state of “I’m angry,” he does not feel dominant and, accordingly, has no right to prohibit. And then, having reached the required intensity, the Adult says: “You just have to scatter toys endlessly! You don't listen at all! My Baby doesn’t behave like that!” And so on. And the Kid hears only a threat to his safety, and not educational words at all. The moment when you are irritated, it means you have flown out of the position of the Adult with his protection and care. Surely many of you have seen such a scene in your life. There is a sofa, a big cat lies with its eyes closed, and several kittens are running around, they are cheerful and cheerful. One or two kittens will bite the cat's tail, climb right onto her head, and hunt for her whiskers. But have you ever seen a mother cat hissing at her kittens or running away from them? The point is that the mother cat takes all this for granted. These are her children, as they are and... all this does not last forever. Also, you, being in the state of a Big Adult, do not get annoyed with the Kid. You can do something with him, say something, but without aggression or irritation. But as soon as you are “covered” by a wave of anger, that’s it, you are no longer a Big Adult. At such a moment, you just need to leave “the battlefield” and listen to yourself. What's happened? I'm tired…. Now I have to wash it all…. Toys... dinner... got up early... And then just accept your weaknesses, feel sorry for yourself. Take a time out, sit or lie down for a few minutes, wash your face, drink tea and chocolate, make a few vigorous movements, and breathe. Of course, besides children's whims, there is a lot going on in life that can lead our nerves to a state of thin, stretched threads. But here you need to firmly hold your position and then, having returned to the state of an adult, you can begin negotiations on a truce. Truce. So, you did everything right, remained in the state of an Adult, and offered the Kid the optimal way out of the conflict. In this way, you let him know that a quarrel is a quarrel, but care and love are always with him. Even if the Kid understands that he has done a lot, after such a resolution of the conflict, he understands that he is always loved and the Adult is with him and for him. That you can quarrel and then make peace and this will not affect the relationship. But if at this moment the Adult flies out of his position and turns into an unforgiving judge: “Go to your room and think about your behavior!”, The Kid receives the following message - he has been eliminated out of a relationship, care and love are in question, and now he needsdo something to win back the love of your Adult. That is, here the Adult shifted the responsibility for restoring the relationship to the Kid. Or does the mother begin to behave like a little girl, gets offended and even cries? In some families, it is considered very important to obtain a mandatory apology from the child after a conflict. “Apologize first! Learn to admit mistakes!” – the parent firmly states and then, as a rule, proudly awaits the Baby’s confessions. And this completely overturns the structure laid down by nature. In such a situation, the Kid first resists the new role, then he realizes that there is no way out and... becomes a little despot over whom there is “no control,” despite the fact that the Kid will feel unhappy because he will not feel protected and loved. But no one has canceled education! Bring up! How? Indeed, while hugging and kissing an angry Kid, you will explain that you can’t hit a dog with a spatula, and dad doesn’t like it when his shoes float like ships in the toilet. To answer this question, you need to tell a little about the structure of the brain of Homo sapiens. Oddly enough. it sounds, but a person has three brains. The upper one is the most intelligent, young and developed - this is the cortex, with its convolutions. It is with its help that we become a reasonable person. There is a so-called trunk - this is the brain, which is responsible for our vital needs (breathing, eating, etc.) But between these sections there is the midbrain - the limbic system, which seems to connect the natural principle and the mind. Our emotions and all programs for survival and procreation live here. Moreover, these programs are turned on unconsciously, regardless of race, intelligence and age. There is a complex connection between the upper brain and the limbic system - when the limbic system is calm, the upper intelligent brain works normally. But as soon as a danger signal is received, the level of stress hormones in the blood increases - the limbic system comes into alert mode, and the brain is rational... yes “turns off”. You can probably remember this situation yourself: a sharp sound, fear, and you no longer remember how you ended up in a defensive position. It is also similar to trying to talk about diplomacy on the battlefield. Here you need to survive, talk later. The same thing happens to the Kid. He is calm - the limbic system is resting, the Baby is in an excellent mood and discovers the world. But suddenly some situation suddenly causes fear (the neighbor in the sandbox took the car and ran away, a large dog rushed past barking) and the Kid immediately turns on the howling limbic system and follows the instinct of salvation - running to his Adult, and even crying loudly, reporting from afar that “a terrible thing happened.” And now let’s return to the conflict between the Kid and the Adult. For the Kid, this is a doubly stressful situation, because the threat of losing the love and care of his Adult is perceived by the Kid as a threat to life. Can you imagine what a Kid feels when he hears from his Adult: “Go away, you’re bad. I’ll find myself another Baby who will obey me!” At this moment, the limbic system turns on the SOS signal, and with flashing lights rushes to save its little man. But the intelligent brain simply gives up the field of action and does not work. And this means that no matter what you say reasonable, kind, eternal at the moment when the Kid is in an excited-aggressive-indignant state, everything will fly past the reasonable brain, he is simply “temporarily unavailable” at that moment. So, for the Kid to hear you , you need to first of all calm him down, and therefore his limbic system will calm down. To do this, it is enough to make it clear that you are still his Adult, that you are ready to protect and care. Hug, console, talk through the Baby's feelings, showing in this way that you understand him, you are with him. If you feel that the conflict situation is just beginning, you can try to defuse the situation: a little tactile contact, stronger than usual - tickle, offer a cardinal changing the game, just to captivate with something new. But if the battle has already begun, there is no point!