I once heard a phrase that helped me begin to look differently at painful experiences and toxic people: “People who do bad things to us help us understand where our boundaries are.” And in life, , in fact, it is so. We rarely define our personal boundaries for ourselves. Especially if it concerns how we should not be treated. Most often, we learn our personal boundaries and norms of what is permitted in practice: we were hurt or treated unfairly - we got burned and realized that it seems that we don’t like it when That's what we do. And in the future, we will no longer allow such an attitude towards ourselves. “Testing” your boundaries in practice is, of course, a working method - you will find your boundaries. But this can take a lot of time, and also cause a lot of pain and undermine your trust in the world. Moreover, most often we have painful experiences with loved ones. For loved ones, it’s as if the boundaries are not so strict and definite: after all, this is my loved one, I trust him more and allow him more... Just think: should your personal boundaries be radically different for strangers and for your loved ones? Spoiler: ideally, they should be more or less similar (we don’t take into account physical boundaries, etc.) For clarity, I always give clients the following metaphor: Imagine that your boundaries are a fence that protects your house and your beautiful lawn, which you mow every morning . And then one day someone appears in dirty shoes, breaks down your fence and begins to trample the lawn, leaving muddy footprints. How will you feel? Will there be a big difference whether your loved one or a stranger does this? At the level of feelings - of course, from a loved one it will be more unpleasant. But at the level of facts - your boundaries are violated, and it doesn’t matter whether it was a close person or a stranger. If you feel that you are not aware of your boundaries or that they are often violated by other people, I offer you a cool solution - a technique of 8 questions, by answering which you can definitely find and define your boundaries and begin to defend them. I give this technique to my clients and it always shows very good results! To complete this you will need a notepad and pen (or notes on your phone) and enough free time. When answering questions, try not to evaluate your answers or think about them for a long time, but write down the first thing that comes to mind. The resulting answers are your boundaries! How do I want to feel in relationships with people? By what signs will I understand that I am uncomfortable in a relationship? What is acceptable for me in a relationship? What is unacceptable / taboo for me in a relationship? How do I want to be treated? I like, when other people...I don’t like it when other people...I’m ready for a relationship...Please leave a 👍🏼 if it was helpful and don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss new publications on psychological topics! To sign up for a consultation, write to tg @maryresident or via the contacts specified in your profileThe first introductory meeting is free!