The illusion of deception or the theory of paradoxical changes People often come to therapy who are in conflict between who I am and who I should be. They are completely unhappy with who they are and want to change. We put a huge amount of effort into being someone. This someone, on the one hand, is from childhood (for example, I should be a good and obedient girl, but I am not one). On the other hand, from our idea of ​​improvement, of striving for perfection. To become an ideal mother, we diligently prepare, try, spend time, effort and money on the best educational activities, the best toys, or, on the contrary, we make these toys ourselves, and sometimes we forget to wash ourselves, because that we give 24 hours and all of ourselves to children. We invest our best in a real woman - care, makeup, style, gym, diet and all sorts of delights such as understanding men. In a good wife - we push our desires, our fatigue, our interest beyond home and husband. As a successful businessman - we try our best, build this business, look for ways, advertise, take out loans, but nothing works out. As an experienced specialist, although we are just starting our journey. We show off in every possible way and puff ourselves up. To become a cheerful girlfriend who chirps and amuses everyone, although she wants to run away and sit on the couch at home alone. Or, on the contrary, we suppress our hysterical needs, because this is not good for a real woman... We invest our strength in to come somewhere, and along the way we still try very hard to seem like we have already achieved something. There is a lot of narcissism in this, but not only that. Everyone has their own reasons, everyone has their own story. So this theory says that changes will happen when we stop trying to change ourselves, let go of active alteration and forced change. Then we will become ourselves, as we are - an ordinary mother, an attractive woman, a beginning entrepreneur trying his hand. Then part of the suffering about the fact that I am not like this will disappear. That is, on the contrary - having lived through the grief of disappointment that I am not the best mother in the world, you can remain simply the best mother for your children, they don’t need another. And then changes will occur. Deceiving yourself and demanding changes all your life is much more costly than being disappointed one day and starting to live. Actually, therapy is about becoming who you are.