Continuation of the series “How to talk to children about...”. The topic of child abuse is so painful that it is very difficult to write calm instructions. But you need to know why – I’ll list it below. First, a few disclaimers.1. I use the word “abuse”, a translation from English, and not “violence” - because there is no adequate equivalent to abuse in the Russian language yet. It is the aggressive physical, emotional or sexual use of another person, done against his will or due to his inability to give informed consent. Abuse includes all options for aggressive use - corruption, insult, violence. This manual will examine part of the abuse – sexual abuse towards children, child sexual abuse.2. It is not normal for an adult to be sexually attracted to children and teenagers who look like children and teenagers (and not like mature adults). If you feel such impulses or desires in yourself, and there is anxiety about their uncontrollability, you need to take measures to prevent their realization. For example, search the Internet for literature on this topic, or go to psychotherapy. There you can explore possible causes, treat injuries (if any) and learn to control yourself in ways that are safe for others.3. I do not support the concept of “samaduravinovat” in any form and I do not advise you to. Therefore, all discussions about provocations on the part of children, about their irresistible sexuality, about “false memories” and slander by vile children to their parents are best conducted in other places, and not here. Practice shows that many former victims read such texts; for them, such shifting of responsibility is counter-therapeutic, and I consider it important to make sure that it does not exist in my space. Thank you for your understanding. Why is it necessary to talk to children about this topic? There were a lot of comments on the previous manual “How to talk to children about sex” like: oh, well, why, the children will get scared, or become corrupted, or something else. Why bother, the child will find out on his own, there is a time for everything. As for abuse, there is simply no safe time for the child to find out about it “somehow on his own.” He can learn either from his own experience (which, naturally, no parent wants), or from his parents, or not at all. Children don’t talk about this among themselves, because those who are doing well cannot imagine that this is possible. And those who have experience of sexual abuse are traumatized and oppressed with shame. Unfortunately, adults don’t talk much about this either – with friends, in groups, on parent forums, and in society in general. I think this happens because any parent has a lot of unpleasant feelings even at the thought that something like this could happen to a small child. People are so frightened by this thought that they naturally want to never think about it again. Nevertheless, it will probably be necessary to overcome this discomfort and the conspiracy of silence. Our children cannot protect themselves from abuse on their own - due to age-related misunderstanding of many processes, physical weakness, immaturity of the ego and dependent position. We are the ones who are bigger and stronger, and although we cannot give them 100% protection, we can significantly reduce their risks, and also increase the likelihood that help will be received after the first incident (and received at all). Statistics Not I will present here all the known statistics on child sexual abuse - there are a lot of them, and they are easy to Google. I will limit myself to the figures that personally seem important to me: - the general risk for children is 10-25% (according to various sources), for boys it is about 30% lower than for girls; - the risk for “special” children increases almost 3 times ;- in 37% of cases, the abuser is a member of the child’s family;- the risk of encountering sexual abuse for a child is 4 times higher than the risk of being hit by a car on the road;- the age of highest risk in the group of children under 12 years old is 4 years old; children have the same risk, or there are subgroups in which ithigher? There are many studies about this; factors have been identified that increase risks for children (the data was taken from 7 different reviews): - Poor relationships in the family (coldness, conflicts, lack of a trusting atmosphere, etc.); - Abuse in the family, in incl. not aimed at the child; - Family practice of ignoring the needs and personal boundaries of the child (this includes, among other things, “squeezing” children by adults against their wishes, as well as a strict patriarchal hierarchy in the family); - Mental illnesses and psychological problems in children (risks increase by 3 times, as already mentioned) - Orphanhood or early loss of one of the parents (the risks are higher for girls if this is the mother, for boys - if the father) - Alcoholism of one of the parents, which began in the child’s childhood (the risks are higher for girls if this is the mother, for boys - if the father) - Severe mental illness of one of the parents; - Emotional detachment of the mother (here the researchers, in addition to personality traits such as narcissism, included constant work late into the night, living separately from the child, etc.). I would generalize all of these three main factors: 1) normalization of violence and unconditional submission in the child’s picture of the world; 2) vulnerability of the Ego, caused by something from the outside (trauma, abandonment, mental illness, disability) 3) inaccessibility of the nearest adult (his physical absence, for example. death; or inaccessibility for close contact; Moreover, the earlier the age when it appeared, the higher, in my opinion, the risk). ) – all three factors are present to some extent. But even one is enough for a child to be at risk. I would like to immediately clarify one point for sensitive and vulnerable parents. If your child has some risk factors, this in no way means that you, as a parent, are to blame for something. And this does not mean that abuse will certainly happen. This is only about what patterns psychologists who are working on this issue have been able to track today. Not in all cases these factors can be removed or reduced. What you can do is be aware of them and pay increased attention to this topic when talking about safety with your children. It is worth understanding that open statistics are only what eventually became known; there is reason to believe that no one will ever know about a large number of cases. Children, as a rule, are afraid of the reaction of adults and are afraid that it will be even worse; they don’t really know how to explain what happened to them; and they also often believe in what the abuser told them - in the normality of what is happening and in the need to “keep a secret.” All this, in my opinion, sounds too depressing to ignore the topic and remain ignorant of reality, and also leave children there. So let's see what we as parents can do. Starting the Conversation The general recommendation is that it is advisable to frame the conversation around the idea of ​​safety (and use of that word) rather than “giving information about abuse.” This way you won’t scare or alarm the child. Exactly the same as in conversations about sex, you need: - parents, if there are two of them, agree on the main points of the conversation among themselves, and compare versions; - work through your own traumatic or negative experience before the conversation; - do not spill everything you know, immediately - divide into parts; - remain within the framework of the child’s clarifying questions; - be ready to continue the conversation at any time when the child wants (except for socially unacceptable situations). There are also differences from conversations about sex, they are as follows: - you can start this conversation yourself ;- it is better to do this not in the wake of some situation, but from an emotionally calm and peaceful “place” (exceptions are scenes in films or from life that clearly greatly stress the child); - it is not recommended to use euphemisms to name the genitals or intimate parts places, it is better to give preference to ordinary names in order to avoidmisunderstanding when telling another adult about something that happened, or in a dialogue with a potential abuser; - you should not go to Google or YouTube for additional information with your child, because the search results may contain child porn or violent photographs. When to speak? The minimum age is from 2 years old, that is, when the child begins to understand the differences between “friend and foe” and learn how the world around him functions. The optimal age is 8-12 years. Convenient situations for starting a conversation: - bathing a child; - the day after a routine medical examination with a pediatrician or after vaccination; - going to bed; - time together between parent and child, in which they usually talk (for example, family gatherings after work or school, walking the dog, traveling from/to school, etc.).What to say1. Body PartsTell your child that he has private parts of the body that people usually cover with underwear. Show where they are and name them - just like you show and name the rest of the body: eyes, ears, arms, legs. Why is it important to use real names (penis/member, perineum, vagina/vagina, breasts)? Because it gives children the right words not only to talk about what has already happened to them - but also for situations when something uncomfortable happens, and in order to stop they need to indicate what exactly it is, and also make sure that everyone understands it. It is important to tell children not only about their body, but also the necessary minimum about the anatomy of the opposite sex - because the abuser, unfortunately, can be of any gender.2. Situations In general, it makes sense to introduce the idea of ​​“safe” and “unsafe” touches and situations. It is better to use these words instead of words like “bad”/“good”, because it is not a matter of pleasantness or unpleasantness, as a child might think. For example, a doctor’s touches during an examination are not always pleasant, but they are usually safe in terms of possible sexual abuse. List safe situations when a child’s private parts can be exposed and someone can see them. The general idea here is that another person can ONLY touch or see these parts of the child's body when necessary for health, safety, or cleanliness reasons. Examples: bathing, going to the doctor, applying sunblock. This applies to ANY other person: parents, relatives, teachers, nannies, doctors, men and women, and even older children. The safety rule applies all the time, regardless of whether it is familiar or not. But even in health and cleanliness situations, if a child is uncomfortable or in pain, he has the right to say “stop doing that” and immediately inform his parents. If the conversation takes place, for example, in the bathroom during bathing, you can immediately show the child an example of safe touch - run a sponge or hand, helping him to wash. You can ask him how he feels, if he is calm, if he likes it. This is necessary so that the child can feel the difference in case he has to deal with an abuser, and can immediately identify an “unsafe” touch by the differences in his sensations. Regarding unsafe touches, it is important to say that there are things that should not be done to a child no one ever. And if someone does them or asks them to do them, you need to say no. Examples: - putting your hands into a child’s underpants or under clothes; touching a child’s genitals; asking a child to touch his/her genitals; removing a child’s clothes, especially underwear; photographing or filming a child without clothes, etc. It is important not to create the impression that sexual pleasure in children (including masturbation) is in itself wrong or shameful. The problem begins when someone else uses them for sexual purposes. As children get older, you can talk to them about situations where safe touching rules no longer apply and it becomes possible to do all of the above in a mutually consensual way to obtain sexualpleasure.3. Privacy and Boundaries Tell your child that his private parts are special. It is important here not to create the impression of a taboo or something dirty associated with the genitals. Instead, it is better to say that these places of the body are only for the child himself, and for no one else. People ask permission when they want to take someone else's toy or item because it doesn't belong to them. The body of each person also does not belong to anyone except himself, and the intimate parts of the body are very special. Other adults can only help the child keep them clean, treat them if necessary, and take care of his safety (see situations above). For example, if someone tells the child that the child’s private parts are “beautiful” or to someone like it,” invites the child to touch his intimate parts of the body, “…… this is absolutely unacceptable, even if this person is a family member. You need to tell your parents about all this right away. Teach your children (and respect yourself) that they have the right to control access to their body from a very tender age. This attitude contradicts what we often tell children: you need to obey adults, and you have to endure a lot. It is important to maintain a balance here: you need to obey, but the child’s body is his body and no one else’s; no one can make him uncomfortable against his will. It is very important for children to be able to say “no” to another person in such situations. Therefore, for example, you should not force your child to kiss or hug one of your friends or relatives if he does not want it. Explain to your child that he can hug or kiss anyone he knows if he wants - but only he can decide for himself whether he will do this. And if an adult forces a child to do something that the child does not want, you can always say “no” and that’s normal. You can teach your child options for exactly how he can say “no”: - “I don’t talk about this with other people” - “I don’t want to be touched like that” - “I don’t want to do this” - “I feel bad, stop” - “get away from me, leave me.” You can also teach non-verbal ways of expressing refusal: shaking your head, moving away or running away , remove your hands from yourself, do not give your hands. Another option is to play questions and answers about typical situations: what do you say if someone you don’t know comes up to you on the playground and says that they have a dog in their car? What if someone you know asks you to take off your clothes and says it’s a secret? How do you respond if someone offers you money to do something you don’t want to do? Teach your children to rely on their intuition, and not just on the decisions of adults. Then they will be able to avoid people who are intuitively unpleasant and possibly dangerous to them. It is necessary to let the child understand that if he feels uncomfortable with someone, even if nothing happened and there is no reason for unpleasant feelings, he has the right to listen to his inner voice and not be left alone with this person. For example, he can move away and leave the room. Even if it seems rude to an adult, it is important to reassure the child that he will not be punished for this. Safety is more important than politeness.4. Secrets: Abusers usually tell children that what happened is a secret and they should not tell anyone, especially their parents. So, it is critically important to clarify everything involved in telling such “secrets.” Explain to your child that a secret ceases to be a secret if it torments, frightens or injures the one who must keep it. Such secrets are removed from the mystery, and it becomes possible to tell parents or other trusted adults in order to stop suffering. Additionally, anyone who wants their children to keep something a secret from their parents is very strange and should be told to the parent. Abusers also often tell their child victims that no one will believe them and make them feel guilt and shame for what is happening. And children, of course, blame themselves and take responsibility for everything that happens in their lives. Therefore, be sure to tell your child that you will immediately believe him if he talks aboutthat someone did something bad to him. You won't blame him, and after telling the story he won't feel even worse. Make sure your child is not afraid that he will upset or scare you with the story, and tell him that it is very important for you to discuss everything that concerns him with him. In general, the three main rules in case of “if something happens” look like this: - if something happens - something bad happened, you need to tell an adult you trust, and continue to tell it until someone hears and helps; - you need to make a list of 3-4 adults to whom you can go with such a story - not only parents, because that they may not be available; - you are not to blame for what happened. The one who is older (adult or teenager) always answers. In English there are five of these rules, and they are collected in the abbreviation PANTS. Below picture shows:5. Sample Phrases Here are a few sample phrases that can help build communication that your child can understand: • I want to talk to you about safety around your body. Some parts of people's bodies are intimate, these are those that we cover with panties (bra). You have them too, they are called so-and-so. They are very rarely seen by anyone, and only some adults can touch them - for example, me, dad, doctor. • Adults do not need to touch children's intimate parts of the body, except in situations when they wash children or take care of their health. Then it's safe touching. If some adult tells you that touching children's private parts is normal and good, do not believe him, it is not true.• There are very different people, and some of them may behave strangely. These could even be people you know. They may try to touch your intimate parts of the body, which can make you feel embarrassed, sad, unpleasant or uncomfortable. This type of touching is not safe.• Most adults touch children only in a safe way, but there are some adults who do so in an unsafe way. You should definitely tell your parents about such adults, because some of them are unhealthy and need treatment.• A strange adult may tell you that this is a game, or that you will like such touches. This is not true.• Never follow strangers or get into other people's cars, no matter what they tell you. For example, you may be asked to look at toys, or at a dog, or they may say that someone is in trouble and needs help. In such cases, first tell me or the adult who walks with you. • Don't tell other adults that you are home alone. • If you feel like something is wrong, trust that feeling and walk away. unpleasant people.• You can say no to anyone who tells you to do something you don't like. I will always support you.• If this happens, it is important that you tell me or Dad right away so that we can take care of your safety. Think about who else you can tell among the adults if me or dad are not around?• It is very important to always tell that something unpleasant happened to you. It happens that they don’t believe you right away, then you need to keep telling other adults until you meet someone who believes and helps. • If an adult does something to you that you don’t like or seems strange, tell me or your dad. We will always believe you and help you.• If you doubt something that another adult told you to do, ask me, I will explain what you don’t understand.• Even if the strange person who touches you says that you should not say anything - for example, because he will feel bad, or your parents will feel bad, or he will do something bad to you - this is all not true. He deliberately deceives because what he does is bad. It's not your fault that you came across such a person, and you shouldn't keep such a secret.• The main thing is to tell me or dad as soon as you have the opportunity. I promise that I (we) will make sure that you never meet this person again. Conclusion All these conversations should be constant, open and as casual as possible. When.