How to live at 40? The pessimist says: it won't get worse. An optimist joyfully: it will happen! will! I would like to clarify right away that this article was written by me for women and about women. To be even more precise - about women 35-45 years old. This age period accounts for the so-called “midlife crisis.” A lot has already been done, some desires and plans are no longer destined to come true, the children have grown up or become teenagers with their own “transitional problems”, you have a stable-habitual or stable-unloved job, many years of experience in family life, a husband who is quite bored after decades of marriage. (or complete lack of personal life), youth is behind us, life has become ordinary and routine, but still consisting of big and small problems. Many women begin to experience fear of losing their attractiveness and beauty, and a panicky fear of old age appears. You begin to think: When will the problems end and I will start living in peace? Why does the world work in such a way that as I age, my face inevitably turns into something unattractive? How can I lose N number of kilograms? Why do I even live? And what is the meaning of life? I think many are trying to look for answers to these questions. And it seems like everything is so familiar and established, and you don’t really want to change anything, but... Something is missing in your life, well, you don’t feel pleasure. There is no feeling of happiness. Everything is bland and boring. Many women begin to buy popular scientific literature on psychology, books - “how to become happy in 5 days”, “How to please men?”, “How to solve all problems in 3 days”, etc. A friend of mine has a whole library of such publications . At the same time, she is constantly in a state of chronic restlessness and anxiety and endless comprehension of her feelings. In them, books, of course, you can glean some useful information, but they do not work, because they give only a short-term effect, without changing anything in our perception of the world and our beliefs. And, I beg you, do not take everything written in such books as the absolute truth. Keep a critical eye. And sometimes you hear something from what you read that isn’t even funny. Sound familiar? I don’t think I’m the only one who had such thoughts. And if you don't take immediate action, your life will remain in the same dull gray color scheme. One of my friends (44 years old), knowing 2 foreign languages ​​(German and French), having a magnificent figure and an incredibly sociable character, is completely alone, has no personal life, hates her job and indulges in daily complaints about her miserable life. . At the same time, doing nothing to change the situation. You can, of course, pursue your dreams. And it’s also possible to feel sorry for yourself, attributing everything to circumstances and bad luck. This alone will not change anything. Mental comfort is your need, and no one will strive headlong to satisfy it. This is, first of all, your task. Remember, nature abhors a vacuum. The void must be filled. And if you don’t do this, it will be filled with melancholy, boredom and other unpleasant things. Therefore, do something. But under no circumstances make drastic changes. Don't faintly start your new life on Monday. This will only cause additional emotional and psychological stress on our long-suffering psyche. Start introducing changes gradually, getting used to them. By doing this, you will not only avoid stress, but also begin to enjoy life. Of course, you need to pay for everything: for action and inaction. The fee for inaction will only be more expensive. So what to do? First you need to make a decision. And define the goal. As specific as possible. You can't move if you don't know where. State what you want. To change directionyou need to stop first. If you have difficulty setting a goal, contact a psychologist or psychotherapist. I warn you, you will have to work on yourself and your own life. Make an effort, spend time. Let's start in order. There is no absolute high in life. It is limited by the limitations of our perception of the world and the impossibility of having everything in a short period of time. The feeling of happiness is not given to us from birth. Now let's move on to analyzing our thoughts and beliefs, since they are what determine our emotions. Life in itself is neither good nor bad. It is our perception that makes it good or bad. Perception, in turn, is based on beliefs. Systematic errors in judgment lead to cognitive distortions on which our thoughts are based. Below is a list of the most common distortions and examples.1. Sensitivity – “I must be depressed because I lost my job,” or “Being nervous is bad for you,” “I must be a good mother.”2. Overgeneralization – “He who writes with errors is a fool.” Or, “I’m worse than Irina because my breasts are smaller.”3. Personalization. - “I broke my leg because God is punishing me for my past sins.”4. Perpetuation - “I will always be afraid.” Or, “I will never be happy.”5. Finding the culprit - “My husband is to blame for our divorce.” Or, “Those who were poorly brought up become criminals.”6. Pathologizing – “Anxiety is a disease,” Or, “An aggressive person is abnormal.”7. Perfectionism – “I should never make mistakes.” “I have to be the best in everything.”8. Categorical (dichotomous thinking) – “Either black or white.” “In this world you are either a winner or a loser.” The list goes on. Conclusion: Remember, you do not owe anyone anything in this life, with the exception of some obligations assumed (for example, parental) and concluded contracts. According to A. Ellis, the developer of rational-emotive psychotherapy, there are 4 groups of irrational attitudes that most often create problems for a person. Read them carefully and reflect.1. Setting the obligation. Some people are convinced that there are certain universal principles (principles) in the world that, no matter what, must be implemented. For example, “The world should be fair”, “People should be honest.”2. Exaggeration setting. Events occurring in life are assessed as catastrophic without any context. For example, “It’s terrible to be left alone in old age.”3. Setting the mandatory implementation of your needs. This attitude is based on the irrational belief that in order to be happy, a person must have certain qualities. For example, “I have to be the best professional out there, otherwise I’m worthless.” “I can’t live without a man because I’m unhappy.”4. Evaluation setting. When a person’s personality as a whole is assessed, and not his individual traits and qualities. You failed to fulfill some desires and dreams. So what? Well, it's a pity, of course. So there were reasons for that. A person cannot control all events in his life. There are events that occur against our will; they cannot be foreseen, and we are not responsible for them. But the world did not collapse because of this. Are you sure that you would be happy if your plans came true? Imagine this happening. How would you feel? What would you think about? Remember, your desires must be at the level of desirability. You shouldn’t put the whole meaning of your life into them. Don't forget - you can't change the past. There is only one way to use it - learn a lesson from the experience and forget it. Live in the present with dreams for the future. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. One of the greats said: “He who does nothing makes no mistakes. But doing nothing is a mistake.” In fact, none of us is wiser than others. It seems to you that life, in general, has already passed, andyouth - along with it. A joyless old age awaits you ahead. Look at it this way. You have gained invaluable life experience. Who knows why we are given all these trials and problems? Problems can be useful to us by making it easier to solve other problems. Perhaps they teach us something valuable that we would not otherwise know. For example, by the age of 40, I stopped being afraid of anything at all. And don’t be sad about your past youth. Aging is a natural process, no one can avoid it. Of course, in our culture there is a cult of youth and physical beauty. And so we watch with envy young beauties with slender legs and firm breasts, cursing nature for our own powerlessness. Don’t be upset, youth is a disadvantage that passes very quickly. And one more thing about envy. I remember the words of a great philosopher (I don’t remember who): If half of humanity were given their tails, the other half would die of envy. So, be realistic. Another important point. Don't evaluate events only from a negative point of view. Every phenomenon has 2 sides. We find the bad ones right away. But on a positive note... Think about what advantage shyness has? What functions do sleep disorders perform? What does it mean that I am afraid or depressed? For example, depression allows you to react to conflicts with deep emotionality. Aggressiveness is the ability to react spontaneously and emotionally. Shyness is the ability to restrain oneself and act according to one’s convictions. Now the main thing is self-acceptance. Learn to accept yourself as you are (sleepy, disheveled, and ugly). You are not an ideal, you are a woman, you have advantages, there are shadow sides of your personality. Just like any other person. Recognize your shortcomings and accept them, they are part of you. Have the courage to be imperfect. Because perfection doesn't exist. Regarding physical attractiveness. In nature there is no such thing as beauty at all. There can be adaptability-non-adaptation, functionality-dysfunctionality, useful-useless. But beauty is a relative concept, subjective and is a human invention. People agreed among themselves: what we will consider beautiful and what ugly. Yes, for simplicity. So don't worry about your physical attractiveness. The main thing is to like yourself. And don’t accept criticism from others without criticism from your own side, don’t worry about trifles. Another person's words are just his words. They didn't change anything. You remained yourself, he remained himself. Well, it's unpleasant. But you shouldn’t get stuck on this and be indignant for a long time. Regarding excess weight. Approach this issue critically. If you and your partner are happy with your weight, then don’t worry. If you really want to lose weight, start counting calories and go in for sports. If you're lazy about pumping weights or running (like me), don't push yourself too hard. And fitness, in my opinion, is generally useless, and, apart from fatigue, gives nothing. In fact, you can lose weight without exercise. Even though it sounds unsporting. And believe me, for your man, a few kilograms mean nothing. You are the one who is concerned about your fat reserves. Now about the children. If your children are already adults, let them go, don’t act like a mother hen. You shouldn’t bore your child with your instructions and advice (he will ask for them himself, if necessary), or force food on him, because he doesn’t eat well and is too thin. Your little children have turned into adults, and you need to communicate with them accordingly. The main task of a mother is to teach her child to live independently. You have already completed it. Rest and take care of yourself. Now about the meaning of life. Life has no inherent meaning. We ourselves give meaning to life, each in our own way. Modern psychiatry affirms this view on this issue: The meaning of life is. 89526063438