From the author: I often hear from clients that they would like an “intimacy relationship” with a partner. Here are some thoughts on how to build that same intimacy. Sometimes clients begin the topic of emotional intimacy with their partner. And as a request they put forward the desire to achieve such closeness, “so that AH! To trust and understand each other. I want to be able to do this!” Yeah. Agree. Now let's talk about what we're going to actually “be able to do.” Who do you think knows the most about intimacy? Children. And the less, the more they know. What makes us different from those kids? Unlike them, we know more about the world and about its dangers too. But the children - not yet. Until adults tell, show and punish :-). They simply trust and feel safe around a significant object (mom). And then they grow into adults, begin to fear and control (which is also not without common sense), and they have to return to intimacy again in a very thorny way... Emotional intimacy is a moment of sincerity and “bareness” of feelings. Those. This is sex, only in feelings and thoughts. But unlike sex, these feelings and thoughts do not have to be exclusively joyful. This is accessibility in pain and suffering, and sadness, and hidden joy and pleasure that can only be for me... Let's say you have an object of desire. Or not really sighing anymore, but an object with which you want to have that same intimacy. Now let’s move on to a metaphor, so to speak, for clarity. Imagine an apple. And you want to eat an apple. By the way, also an act of intimacy :-). You will be reunited with him, so to speak. But if you want to eat an apple, then this intention and fantasy about it is not enough: you can talk for a long time about what you will be like after you eat this apple, and what it will taste like... But I would like it to be sweet and sour, but not soft., etc. And you can even see this apple, and even look at it. For a long time. And think. Anything smart. A fantasy may even finally arise: demand that the apple taste the way you want. :-) Well, if you now move away from the metaphor and think about your partner - is that familiar? Or you can take actions - take it and eat it, and feel everything about it. This is the contact of intimacy. Oh how simple. But it's risky. After all, not only will you now learn the truth about the taste of an apple, but it will also recognize you from the inside... You will become accessible and defenseless. And if something goes wrong, the body will begin certain reactions... For example, rejection. There is always such a risk, and in proximity too. But here is a choice: either be afraid of being rejected and therefore not allow “intimacy”, or let in, knowing that both you and your partner are able to cope with rejection, if anything, because... this is exactly what distinguishes you from that very child - but you, adults, are able to survive on your own after rejection. There is another myth and dream about “intimacy”. That once we managed to open up to each other and approach each other successfully, then everything is done once and for all, and eternal happiness will come. But no. Intimacy is constantly impossible. It’s like having sex continuously – it’s also unrealistic. Neither physically, nor psychologically, nor is it generally clear - why? After the “approach” comes the “departure”. We got closer, exchanged warmth, sincerity, pain, etc. And it’s time to step away and breathe separately. And if you try to keep your partner in this state, who would like to “suffocate”? Then your most cherished horror will be fulfilled - it will break out and run away. And the closer they brought him and held him, the further his marathon would be :-). Now let’s look at the contact itself in proximity. This contact is indicated by action coming from your INTENTION. Without action there is no contact. Those. Let's remember the example with an apple. We don’t act, but stand and look at it. And we dream about it. And when you fantasize for a long time, some kind of image appears. The longer the fantasy, the brighter and stronger the image (there is also the same idea about the requirements for the apple to become what you want). And when it comesreaches real contact, then in fact you are no longer in contact with reality, but with a created image. “I wanted exactly this kind of apple, but this one I’m eating has some kind of unfamiliar taste, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s better or worse, it’s still not what I wanted.” Did you want to?! Or did you just take a prefabricated image, worked out in patterns familiar to your brain, and decide that this is how it SHOULD be? That the intimacy you have with your partner should be EXACTLY THIS! As you thought and imagined. And if it doesn’t coincide with your dreams, that’s it... failure and disappointment. And this is about emotional dependence, not emotional intimacy. Those. this is the illusion of contact. In it, you come into contact with a real person only at those points that correspond to the image, and the rest is seen as “the injustice of the world,” “pain,” and other negativity, where there are a lot of projections of anything and anyone. This means that in this case you have not seen what kind of partner you really are. You preferred to notice in him only what matched your images. But you still haven’t formed a complete image of his very real self... It’s sad. But we can fix it. Exit? If we take the situation even before contact, then we can beautifully say that this is the acceptance of actions and images of the real world, as it is, without expectations. Without interpreting them to suit your image, to suit your dreams. See the need of the Other. It's complicated. But it is possible. This beautiful word “acceptance” - what is it about? About the fact that “I distinguish in you not my familiar images, and not my needs (when I need another as a function that satisfies my needs for avoiding loneliness, for sex, for accepting myself, in the end. Etc. ), and I am able to discern the need of the Other without imposing it on my fantasies, images, expectations and meanings. Those. I am able to look without projections. A very difficult task... Nepalese people for some reason can do this - they live without illusions, and are also joyful! :-). How to do it? Through real contact. A sincere desire to see the Other and interest in him. It is very easy to find out by simple direct questions to your partner. The effect of their result is much higher than from your own guesses. But in emotionally dependent relationships they often try to convey their opinions or demands to their partner, passionately wanting him to understand or guess, and not always in a direct way, but even through “patience” and also waiting, or “tricks”, than to try to hear him and really tell the truth about your real feelings and intentions, without accusations or excuses. And if the case is “already started,” then it is extremely difficult to “remove the veil” on your own and see the reality. It's like trying to see the whole picture while standing close to it. Your brain carefully stores your dreams, expectations, rules and meanings in the unconscious. And they are so familiar to you that it is impossible to distinguish them yourself. This is the same “blind spot” that your friends can see, but not everyone will tell you, trying to protect your feelings... And sometimes they tell you: “Look, he’s not like that! So why are you running after him like that?” - “Who, am I running?!” You don't understand! It’s just me because of this and that..” You really can’t see it for yourself... or when it’s too late. That's why there are specialists who help with this. And then about contact in proximity. This is also an EXCHANGE. At the moment of contact, an action takes place where an exchange takes place - you picked an apple (which is why it grows), and it satiated you. As a result of the exchange, CHANGES occur (now you are full). When he was full, he left the apple tree. No change - no contact. It's so easy to understand. But changes can be scary... And here we stop and may also not fit. Expectations accumulated in fantasies before contact make contact itself impossible. They block out reality. Your mood also plays a very important role - if you have the habit of saying to yourself before each action: “What if it doesn’t work out?”, then a field is created around from those images that “won’t work out.” This is already an expectation of the result “as always”, and most importantly – the readiness to escape into the usual action (I lived without these apples, and will continue to live), WILLINGNESS NOT.