From the author: “Whatever word you say is what you will hear in response” Homer. Parents communicate with their child every day. In many families, this dialogue is only about business. “Have you learned your lessons? Wash your hands, clean up after yourself...” Conversations rarely turn to his experiences, about what worries and excites him. This is very reminiscent of the style of a strict authoritarian leader. Orders, reports..., objections are almost never accepted, and the requirements are very strict. An employee in such a company can quit, but a child in the family does not have this opportunity, he has to adapt or endure, and then he may rebel. The director has, although great, but limited power, but the parent is limited by almost nothing. The child is completely dependent on him, besides, he still does not know how to express his complaints because he simply does not understand how it should be. This comparison may seem exaggerated, but I want parents to think about their relationships with their children. In them, they often ignore the child's inner life. A mess in the room is such a small thing compared to unrequited love, and a quarrel with a friend greatly affects self-esteem, and in general, how tired I am of taking out this stupid garbage! For a parent, order is more important, but you can fall in love a hundred times more. How to find a compromise between necessity and feelings, who should be the first to meet halfway? Do you need to force it? Unfortunately, we don’t teach education. This is how parents were raised, this is how they raise their children. They, the parents, were not heard either; for the parents’ parents, external well-being was also more important, so that everything would be like people’s. They also experienced pain and misunderstanding, they also closed in on themselves, acted out of spite and really needed warmth. - You got a C in mathematics again - I hate mathematics and mathematics, I can’t remember these formulas - you can, you need to learn, study more, otherwise you won’t get into college - it’s not interesting - everything is interesting when you know it, you have to, sit down and study, no If you fix the three, I’ll turn off the Internet. This or similar dialogue will not surprise many parents. He seems familiar. Let's try to take a closer look at it. The child says that mathematics gives him strong emotions because it doesn’t work out. Here there is fear of condemnation, doubt in one’s abilities, a request for support, aggression. This range of feelings and emotions makes it difficult to concentrate on mathematics. The emotional funnel spoils the mood, he tries to think less about it. The mother ignores this, she does not hear the child, she says common truths that only cause irritation and resistance. Her words do not contain the most important thing that her child really needs - understanding and acceptance of his experiences. Her hidden message can be interpreted as follows: I am not interested in your experiences, they are wrong, it is important for me that you study well, so forget about them and listen to me, otherwise punishment will follow. This is broadcast not just once, but daily, through similar dialogues. This is how an attitude is formed aimed at alienating oneself: do not listen to yourself, adapt to the demands of others. The child cannot resist this, he does not understand, but he learns. Let's try differently: - You got a C in math again - I hate math and mathematics, I can't remember these formulas - I know your dislike for numbers, I wasn't very good at it either, when it doesn't work out, it infuriates me - I don't want to do it - let's try to look for options on how to deal with this, because you still have to give it up, I want to help you. The difference is that the mother accepts the child’s negative feelings, allows them to have them and allows them to be expressed. They speak the same language. The child feels support and participation, just what is needed to cope with not the most difficult problem, which is mathematics. The essence of the dialogue is completely different, here there is understanding and acceptance - something that is so much lacking later, something that an adult is looking for in other respects, sometimes bringing into