So, now let’s talk about both simple jealousy and pathological jealousy, which we call in this book “the extreme manifestation of jealousy.” What is “just jealousy”, where does it come from? Jealousy is a very complex, complex psychological feeling that has many shades in the form of anxiety, envy, irritation, resentment and anger. No matter how they say that the reason for jealousy is the low self-esteem of one of the partners, this statement is only partly true. In fact: Jealousy is a reaction to the absence of a loved one nearby, or to the presence of information that he (she) may have a love or intimate relationship with someone else. In its original version, in the “first impulse”, jealousy is generated or the lack of objective information about a loved one who is currently not around (speculation begins on the topic: “Who is he (she) really with, and what are they doing there), or, conversely, the presence of more or less accurate information, only already “with a minus sign”, according to the scheme: “Everything is accurate! He (she) has someone! I already know that...” Ordinary jealousy is a conflict between the desire for undivided possession of a loved one and the modern “prose of life”, which, due to the fact that we all study and work, forces us to spend quite a lot of time... apart! And around each of us there are many people, some of whom may well turn out to be suitable sexual partners for our loved ones. This is exactly what drives us crazy, makes us suffer and sort things out. Jealousy is an obligatory, natural, biological element of love, genetically embedded in us. Whoever is loved is necessarily jealous. But the degree of manifestation of jealousy depends on a person’s self-control, his temperament, sexual activity, upbringing, self-confidence, the degree of dependence on a partner, having past experiences of jealousy and relationships, etc. and so on. Jealousy has two goals: To make you constantly strive to be close to your loved one and, at the same time, to control the territory around him (her), so that rivals or rivals cannot enter into personal or sexual relationships with your “half”. Thanks to the second aspect: Jealousy is a negative feeling directed, first of all, at members of one’s own sex. And only then at the personality of the relationship partner. Therefore, women are ready to kill each other, and men are suspicious of all male objects. The pattern of jealousy is simple: The more you are together, the more regularly you share your plans for the day with your partner and the more often you call each other and send SMS, the more you will trust each other, and the less jealousy and mutual resentment there will be. The less you are together, and the less you trust each other, the more jealous you will be. Jealousy is the invisible controller of love and family. It’s like a space tracking station, vigilantly monitoring many parameters at once: the frequency and duration of your love and family communication, the number of quarrels, calls, letters and SMS, tender words and kisses, the tone and theme of your conversations, the strength of hugs before parting or meeting on the doorstep of the apartment, the quantity and quality of your sex, etc. She also assesses the degree of threat from other “females and males.” Also, it decides whether to forgive you if you make any mistakes and miscalculations, or not, and also much more. I emphasize: Jealousy, like an airspace tracking radar, monitors and maintains dozens of parameters of human relationships at once. There may still be something you don’t understand, but the fact of a shorter than usual kiss, a more hasty parting in the morning before work, a strange turn off for your loved one’s mobile phone after work, a slow response to a tender SMS, and... jealousy immediately begins “ ring all the bells” and requires increased attention to the situation! And you begin to look suspiciously at the behavior of the onewho you love, who is your “soul mate”. The situation in the family automatically becomes significantly more complicated... Hence, I want to tell my readers: You can deceive love, but it is impossible to deceive jealousy. I especially say this for lovers of flirting and infidelity. No matter what heights of skill you have achieved in managing “parallel” relationships, it is almost impossible to fully calculate absolutely all the parameters of love and family relationships and maintain them all the time at the same level of “heating” for a long time. The jealousy of your “half” (like an on-board computer) will sooner or later catch the failure and send the appropriate coded signal: “Attention! It seems we are being deceived! Then jealousy will launch a “critical program” and force the person you are deceiving - by the way, your husband or wife - to stop loving you. Your “parallel relationship” will one day end with someone you loved so much, but could not resist cheating on, “in parallel” with you. Please think about this: After all, many womanizers (both male and female) still cannot understand the reason why a dear person leaves them... It seems to them that “they did everything right”! But they did not take into account some of the features and properties of jealousy. Jealousy is much smarter than people think. Love is blind, jealousy is sighted! Remember: Jealousy draws its conclusions on its own, regardless of reality and explanations! Like a “black box” with airplane recorders, it is reliably protected by its armor from most external influences. Jealousy is related to biology, it is difficult to rehabilitate by social factors, and it cannot be trained. Therefore, it is more or less objective. In this regard, I would like to immediately warn those of my readers who like to have fun by artificially causing jealousy in their partner: this is fraught! At the everyday level, it is generally accepted that if your loved one is a little jealous of someone with whom you supposedly accidentally walked arm-in-arm (got into a car, danced a slow dance, etc.), this will cause him to burst out ( her) love emotions, will increase attraction, will force this person to be near you more often. Of course, such “spurring of love with the whip of jealousy” can have a certain effect. However, it is usually very short-term, but your short-sighted behavior will allow your partner to draw a far-reaching conclusion about your personal unreliability. Your action, or rather your misdemeanor, will then be remembered by your partner during every dispute and conflict. If his/her friends know about this situation, they will further inflame your partner’s pride with sarcastic hints. Remember: Not every act is a misdeed. Not every misdeed is an act. It is better not to confuse deeds and misdeeds. Ownership of a loved one: meaning and reasons for its occurrence: Many people believe that the concepts of “jealousy” and “a sense of ownership of a loved one” in relation to love and family relationships are synonymous words. However, it is not. In fact, jealousy and a sense of ownership towards a relationship partner relate to each other in much the same way as a toothache relates to a tooth: The basis, the primary element, is still the tooth (the sense of ownership), and toothache ( jealousy) occurs when “something wrong” suddenly happens with this tooth. As mentioned above, the situation is as follows: Jealousy is a reaction to a potentially possible, already happened or even fictitious violation of the property rights of one partner to another. And all because: One of the main issues of love and family is the question of ownership of one’s “other half” " To understand the reason for the emergence of such a feeling as a sense of ownership of a loved one, it should be recalled: At the heart of love and family is the instinct of procreation! Regardless of whether people understand it or not, any love and family relationship is an intrigue twisted around one fundamental question: will the partners be able to give birth andraise children together, or you won’t succeed. Accordingly, from the moment they meet until the very last day of friendship or family life, partners constantly test each other from the point of view of determining: “Can this person be a more or less suitable option for having children, raising them further and providing everything necessary, or still can't? Is this partner reliable in terms of his (her) ability to voluntarily refuse sexual contacts with other representatives of my sex, or not?” For women, love and family relationships are a more important activity than for men. It is fundamentally important for women to be confident in their partner - she still has many years to live with her child, but a man can easily start a new life. Trying to provide for everything and everyone, women are always more suspicious and vulnerable. For this reason, from the very first days of the relationship, a woman tensely finds out the degree of love of her partner: she will not be at all happy if she is pregnant, and her loved one begins to be friends with someone else. Accordingly, the money and material values ​​(in primitive times - food) that she and her child will need so much will be at the disposal of a completely different person... The man, at the same time, harshly analyzes the behavior of his beloved: if she gravitates towards to go to places where she can have contact with other men, if she really likes short skirts, always enjoys the attention of others (especially from more successful and rich men), it means that she has not yet internally decided that she is going to give birth from him . If so, then there is no point in investing your money, your time, your energy and affection in her, there is no point in being her husband... There are quite a few reasons for the increased jealousy of modern spouses. In my practice, I personally identify seven reasons that are objective in nature - related to the structure of the modern world. And seven subjective reasons, rooted in the personalities of the spouses, their family behavior, and the very improper structure of family life. Look at them carefully. 7 objective reasons for increased jealousy in modern families: Reason No. 1. Unstable hierarchy of modern society. An important reason that in modern times in human society the problem of ownership of a partner in love and family relationships has become very important is that hierarchy does not take root well in it. As you know, in any pack or herd, all animals know “their place”: there is a recognized leader, a group of the strongest males and females, the average and the outcasts. Sexual relationships always clearly fit into this hierarchy, and females of different ranks are rigidly attached to their males. Any attempt to redistribute the females ends in fights. But, after a series of fights, the sexual-hierarchical system stabilizes and rarely undergoes any changes (up to the death of the leader male). In nature, everything is built on the physical or moral superiority of males. As you already understand, in human society as a whole this does not exist. This was no longer the case even in the conditions of the primitive system: with the help of a stone axe, spear or bow, a weak male could always kill a stronger one. Along with the death of the “master of the harem,” all regulation of sexual life instantly disappeared, and the “redistribution of sexual property” began. In this sense, I even have my own author’s assumption that the first killings of man by man, which so sharply distinguish the species Homo sapiens from all other animals, were a forced reaction of armed, weaker males to attempts by more aggressive and stronger ones to control all the females in the group in the old fashioned way. A blow carefully delivered in a dream with an ax helped to carry out an instant “sexual revolution” in a single primitive group! The absence of a rigid hierarchy in modern society, combined with freedom of divorce, does not allow building the same rigid hierarchy in sexual, love andfamily relationships. The poor run away to the rich, the rich to the poor without any fear of punishment. If this is so, then no man can be sure that he will forever retain his attractiveness for his woman, even if he is a governor, oligarch or general. Accordingly, any woman cannot be sure that the man she has chosen will always be able to satisfy her ambitions and material appetites, nor that her suddenly rich husband will not exchange her for a younger and sexier person. In modern society, a man or a woman, creating her love or family relationships, can never be sure that possible (and in fact guaranteed) improvements or deteriorations in their social and financial situation will not in any way affect the fidelity of their loved one. I emphasize: this situation became possible only in the last century. In the Middle Ages, in every city or village, in the presence of severe class-social and property discord, the movement of men and women along the vertical hierarchy was almost unrealistic: higher classes did not accept people from lower strata, and vice versa. Therefore, there was also a little less jealousy. The ease and mobility of modern social boundaries, the opportunity to independently make a career and earn money, with the almost complete disappearance of the factor of public opinion and public morality, allow modern men and women to easily leave each other and move up and down as from an older “option” to a “younger” one, and vice versa, both from poorer to richer and from rich to poor. This very constant feeling that a husband or wife at any given time may turn up with someone who will turn out to be more profitable and “more promising”, or more beautiful and sexier, cannot leave anyone indifferent, cannot but sow panic in the hearts of men and women, and that, in turn, is jealousy... Reason No. 2. High concentration of population in cities and active migration. The second important reason for the emergence of modern anxiety about the behavior of a spouse is the crowd of people in cities, their constant movement across regions, countries, continents and even space orbits. The amount of daily contacts with members of the opposite sex, unimaginable for past times, the variety of sexual choices, the lack of ongoing control of partners over each other (especially during business trips, studying in different cities, serving in the army, etc.) completely disrupts the natural “attitude” of men and women, drives them into severe melancholy and depression due to the fact that it is almost impossible to trace the behavior of a loved one (and, therefore, check his (her) sincerity!). Reason No. 3. High saturation of culture with sex. The modern world has long been oversaturated with sex. We now demand that absolutely everyone be sexy: violinists and football players, runners and singers, weather forecasters and salespeople, car washers and secretaries. The main conversation at the holiday table now comes down to discussing the behavior of one of the celebrities or someone’s bust (your own or silicone?), lips, hair, etc. Of course, when the thought of sex and one’s own attractiveness does not leave the head, jealousy builds its nest there. This is quite logical: Love, sex and jealousy always come in threes. Reason No. 4. Extensive experience of previous love, intimate and family relationships. Modern spouses, before ending up in the registry office, have, on average, three to five failed love relationships and attempts to live in a civil marriage. In particular, some of these relations were “parallel”, that is, they were conducted simultaneously “on two fronts”. Of course, betrayal, in this case, has happened in the lives of almost all modern men and women. Almost everyone has cheated on someone, almost everyone has cheated on them. Hence the extreme distrust of modern spouses to each other. After all, they already went through this with someone... Reason No. 5. Difficulties in starting a family in conditions of fierce marriage competition. Because in every thousandStudents of higher educational institutions - 700 are girls, and only 300 are boys; creating a family for girls is not an easy task. Competition and the need to build one’s own career lead to the fact that the age of marriage in the country is steadily moving away from 21 years in the early nineties, to 24/25 years in the early 2000s, to 27/29 years by 2020. Accordingly, what is obtained with difficulty is especially valued, and you don’t want to lose it at all. Hence the growth of jealousy among girls who got married after the age of 25-27, who managed to “jump on the last train” before reaching the stage of “exchange of the fourth decade.” Reason No. 6. Small number of children in families. Oddly enough, jealousy is quite naturally related to the number of children in modern families. Previously, when there were three to five children, the husband was forced to spend more time in the family, helping his wife; his conscience (except in the case of alcoholics) did not allow him to leave such a family. The woman understood this perfectly and could sleep more peacefully. Now, when there is only one child in the family, which one mother can easily cope with (with the support of the grandmother), this no longer keeps the man in the family. Women understand this again. And if they do not have a second or third child, wives are forced to spend their whole lives intensely peering at those women who find themselves next to their husbands: what if there is an enemy among them? Thus, the fewer children, the more jealousy, the more children, the fewer reasons for jealousy. Reason No. 7. Virtual social networks. Social media is one of the main sources of jealousy these days. Moreover, it is exactly the same for husbands and wives. (And also a source of laughter for their children who discover playful photos and statuses of their parents online). The opportunity, sitting at home in torn tights, to meet and have affairs with very attractive people of the opposite sex for free, has literally blown up modern marriage. Virtual dating, then implemented in the form of infidelity in the real world, is now destroying every third family. In the remaining two-thirds, they cause almost daily showdowns according to the scheme: “Who are your friends? Are my friends telling the truth that they saw you registered under a different nickname on a dating site? Where did you indicate that you are in a free state and looking for a partner? And now jealousy is boiling in the heads of men and women in a way that not every teapot can. Thus, you can see for yourself: it is absolutely impossible to provide a complete and one hundred percent guarantee of partners’ fidelity to each other. It's impossible, if only because you yourself can't guarantee that you won't one day be disappointed in your current partner and fall in love with someone younger, richer, more intelligent, or more sexually aggressive. The ever-increasing breadth of sexual choice makes it impossible to people have confidence in the reliability of their chosen partners. Unfortunately, the development of this situation will only continue. The problem of trust between partners, which arises due to the fact that in modern society there is a clear conflict between the genetically inherent desire of lovers to “privatize” each other and the socio-historical impossibility of doing this in practice, it seriously complicates the creation of stable love and marriage unions. The conditions of modern life do not allow spouses to create one hundred percent confidence that they will always be faithful to each other. It is the absence of any clear guarantees that during the working day or evening your “half” will not meet another relationship partner in his life, more beautiful, rich and without complexes, is the most important and, in fact, irremovable problem in modern family relationships, the main cause of daily scandals in many families. Now let's name seven subjective reasons for increased jealousy in modern families. In my practice, I jokingly also call them: “seven jealous deficiencies.” So: 7 subjective reasonsIncreased jealousy in modern families: Reason No. 1. Lack of personal attention of spouses to each other. To understand what is meant, it is important to call a spade a spade: All people (regardless of whether they admit it or not) spend their entire lives fighting in their heads with some kind of complexes. Men always think that they they are not tall and strong, that they dress poorly, earn little, drive a car that is not the best, have God knows what status at work, have a small apartment, cannot afford to take their family to the Maldives every year, etc. etc. Therefore, at any moment the wife can find herself some more interesting version of the man. Women are even more in a state of panic. They supposedly have little hair, lips are thin, teeth are crooked and not snow-white, eyelashes are sparse, eyebrows are not as shaped as we would like, the waist is swollen with fat, the hips are cellulite, the bust is either almost completely absent or immediately hangs to the waist, the wardrobe is rarely updated, jewelry is cheap, money for spa treatments is chronically lacking, a mobile phone is cheap consumer goods, the car is not a sports convertible, the years are passing, children are, unfortunately, not geniuses. Etc. and so on. Accordingly, the husband can literally at any moment go to someone whose situation will be better in most respects. This daily mental tragedy of ours is not cured by money at all (no matter how much there is, there will never be enough to solve all the problems), but only the kind and warm attitude of our family “halves” towards us. This is when a wife gently tells her husband that, despite his bald head, belly and small salary, he is her best, praises his successes at work (even if there are none), feeds him a delicious dinner, gives him the opportunity to watch the news, not taking away the TV remote control, she doesn’t kick her engrossing husband out of the restroom, shouting that he’s set up a “reading room” there, etc. Or, when a husband, coming home from work, always hugs and kisses his wife, praises her appearance and overcooked roast, can give some advice on updating her wardrobe, finds time to lie next to her on the sofa (despite the ongoing football game), and wash up together bones with some acquaintances, or simply exchange plans for the future. If in a family with the personal attention of the spouses to each other, everything is fine, if mutual compliments do not need to beg, there is a husband and wife who can always find something to talk about with each other, without raising their voices , scandal and subsequent insults, this means that there will be significantly less jealousy in such a family. But if there is little mutual attention, if the spouses dine separately and silently, if they only growl at the husband, if the wife’s new clothes and her desire to look better, younger and more beautiful remain unnoticed by the husband, jealousy always comes to such a family. Simply because each of the spouses begins to think that his (her) flaws are too obvious for the partner, and he (s) is already clearly spending his time and attention on someone else... If, at the same time, the partner values ​​​​appearance too highly or successes in the lives of other people (it doesn’t matter - real acquaintances or movie stars), or (God forbid!) you gave a compliment to someone in your presence, insults and scandals based on jealousy are inevitable. Reason #2. Lack of intimate attention between spouses to each other or the presence of intimate conflict in a couple. Jealousy is almost always tied to sex. Therefore, it is especially typical for those love or married couples where either the amount of sex in the family is clearly insufficient (less than the family norm of four sex per week), or one of the spouses is aware that the other half is definitely not receiving some amount of sex. then the type of sex: either the one to which he (she) was accustomed even before the formation of a family, or the one that arose as a need or fantasy already during marriage. In both cases, one of the spouses is jealous. Lack of intimacy quantitatively - about the fact that, perhaps, the partner gives someone else in bed. Not receiving intimacy qualitatively - due to the fact that perhaps the partner receives something not received at home, withby someone else. Agree, both of these options are quite sad. Reason No. 3. Lack of joint leisure and cultural programs in the family. I really want my readers to understand: Jealousy is the pet of lonely people. It always lives where one of the spouses sits at home alone. When someone complains to me about jealousy in the family, I always ask: “How often do you go out somewhere together?” It almost always turns out that jealousy arose due to the fact that one of the spouses is a voluntary or forced (for example, the wife sits with a small child) homebody, but the “other half” spends too much time outside the home and without their partner. Simply put, jealousy is always a clear sign of a lack of joint leisure time for spouses in a family, narrowness, or even a complete absence of a family cultural program. Accordingly, if the spouses sit at home less, if they spend less time apart at all, if they spend their free time together and actively spend their free time, do not even doubt: the dog of jealousy will leave this house somewhere else. To other couples who sit at home or spend time apart. I will not expand on this topic further. I have already published a book called “Sharp Corners of Young Families,” where there is a special chapter on this topic: “Give a family cultural program!” Find it and read it. Reason #4. Lack of finances in the family. An interesting observation of recent years for me was that spouses who either took out a mortgage or who were saving up money to purchase something big and expensive for their family (an apartment, a car, a trip to a foreign resort, new furniture, etc.) began to complain especially often about attacks of jealousy. etc.). All this is completely logical and directly related to the point described above. No finances - less active spouses, less leisure, less cultural program - more mutual claims - more jealousy. Accordingly, I really wish those spouses who live in conditions of a strict financial policy of self-restraint not to conflict, but to jointly look for such types of hobbies and interests that do not require large financial investments. I already wrote about this in the first part of this work: “How to assess the strength of your marriage. Book one: “Family Cement”: what brings spouses together.” Reason No. 5. Lack of information about where and with whom he is, what his spouse is doing at a given time. In this case, the following circumstance takes place: Jealousy is a fish that lives only in troubled waters. Accordingly, the more incomprehensible, less transparent, more mysterious the life schedule of the “other half”, the more completely fair fears, anxieties, and, accordingly, jealousy, there will be at half past twelve. The clearer, more transparent and clearer each other’s life schedule is, the faster the speed with which spouses pick up a mobile phone or respond to an SMS from their “half” - the less jealousy there is in such a married couple. Reason No. 6. Lack of self-confidence in one of the spouses. Self-confidence is also an important element in the fight against jealousy. If a man or woman has a good figure, looks and dresses decently, has an education and a job, earns at least average money, in general - they represent something and know their worth - there will be less jealousy in the souls of such spouses. If a person has neither a decent education, nor a decent job, nor a decent income, nor a decent figure, if he is completely and completely dependent on his partner (especially if he does not have his own apartment, but has children), jealousy in this case can no longer be avoided. Only this will no longer be love jealousy, but a struggle for one’s existence. For some it is for comfort, for others it is simply for basic survival. Although outwardly, it will also be jealousy. Reason No. 7. Lack of confidence in the spouse, associated with the presence of either negative past experiences in life, or cases of infidelity that have already occurred in this couple. The psyche of every person is a complex sum of genetic inheritance, childhood and youth upbringing, and personal life experience. Accordingly, if a man or womaneven in childhood they experienced the divorce of their parents, if even before marriage someone had already abandoned them, they left someone themselves, or continue to have a “left” partner in intimate relationships to this day, of course, the level of their criticality and suspicion of their partner’s behavior will be significantly higher than that of a person from a strong full family, who started a family the first time and has no experience of “walking to the left.” In contrast to the above-mentioned seven objective, and therefore practically irremovable, reasons for jealousy, most of the seven subjective reasons are completely easy to eliminate: Only the spouses had such a desire! This is exactly what we will talk about in the practical recommendations for the chapter. However, continuing our conversation, we must note: jealousy in its usual form, the desire of spouses to “privatize” each other is not at all a mental illness or paranoia, a manic deviation in thinking and behavior. This is only an expression of a completely normal desire to achieve maximum guarantees that, having spent all your money on another person, sacrificing your studies and career for him, having given birth to a child together, in the future, you will not be thrown away, like a used condom, you will not remain in loneliness precisely when it will be most difficult for you... From here, the next question logically follows: What are the limits of reasonable jealousy in family life, and what are signs of jealousy that is already unreasonable, wild, dangerous not only for the family, but also for the psyche of this person himself? Where are those very “buoys” of jealousy that it is no longer recommended to swim beyond? Being a thorough practitioner, in my work I created the following criteria: Signs of manifestations of ordinary, normal jealousy: – Demands to the spouse that the partner stop dressing too openly, do not visit hot places without his “half”, do not stay excessively late at work, was not keen on socializing with friends, visiting saunas, massage parlors, etc. – A fair requirement for the spouse to clearly and plausibly explain the reason for systematic delays after work, leaving home in the evening and at night, weekends and holidays, too frequent business trips, duty, meetings with “relatives”, friends/girlfriends. Also clarify the circumstances of the appearance of some items in your partner’s possession that look like someone else’s gifts (mobile phones, perfume, computers, expensive candies, elite alcoholic drinks, subscriptions to sports clubs, etc.). Explain the presence of bruises and scratches on the body, foreign hair, lipstick, glitter, etc. on clothes and parts of the body. (primarily for men), the not entirely clear presence of condoms in pockets, in a bag, in a car and not at work. Questionable information received from the spouse may be verified by means of a clarifying survey of the spouse’s relatives, friends and co-workers. – The requirement to clearly explain where exactly the partner’s money is being spent in the event of his suspicious behavior, the discovery of strange checks and receipts, or “ family default": an unexpected lack of funds in the family when, by all indicators, they should still have been available in sufficient quantities. – The requirement to ensure the possibility of free access to the spouse’s mobile phone, voluntary receipt of passwords from his (her) pages in all social networks. Periodically visiting his (her) personal pages, but without entering into correspondence with other people on behalf of the partner, without caustically commenting on them on behalf of the partner, one’s own person or some third (real or fictional) character. Using “spyware” or hacking a spouse’s personal pages on social networks, in the event that the “other half” either categorically refuses to give “access codes” for their pages, or clearly leads a double life: simultaneously with legal pages on his name, starts secret pages on social networks and dating sites. – Collecting information about people who suspiciously often find themselves alone with their spousephotographs (from various events, meetings, corporate events, work and office routine, etc.), when traveling on business trips, internships, while engaging in sports, creative, social and any other activities. Also about all those who begin to call their spouse too regularly, write SMS or emails, or communicate through social networks. Including, you can directly ask your partner questions about this. But, with a significant caveat: do not do this too often, especially daily! Otherwise, it will smoothly turn into manic behavior. – Personal surveillance of a partner suspected of adultery (even using a telescope). Involving friends, relatives or even representatives of detective agencies in this exciting process. Dictaphone recording of his conversations by placing the recorder at home, in the spouse's car or office. However, with only two significant reservations: Disclaimer 1. Such actions should only be taken if there are very, very strong suspicions! Such as the presence of systematic delays after work, trips of “half” to God knows where on weekends, and everything that was mentioned in the first point of the list. Reservation 2. Do this no more than once or twice in the entire history of family life! If such activity becomes systematic, regular (at the same time, if your suspicions are confirmed, you do not get divorced, but have a scandal, but continue to live together), know: at this rate, we can soon become one of the mentally unbalanced! What I sincerely do not wish for you!!! – Testing the “half” who raises doubts about one’s fidelity by entering into SMS or virtual correspondence with her on social networks, with the aim of scheduling a personal intimate date, allegedly from some other person, further “removing the partner to clean water." Using a “decoy duck” for this in the form of relatives or friends. Again, without doing this systematically! To draw certain fundamental conclusions, one such test is enough. If you start doing this regularly, you will again head straight to a psychiatrist and a divorce. – Checking a mobile phone, studying the stamps on the pages of a foreign passport, searching pockets, briefcases, purses, purses, the spouse’s car. But, again, only if there are clear signs of the possibility of a “double life” or facts of betrayal. Only the discovery of compromising personal correspondence, condoms, strange checks, receipts, second or third mobile phones, Wi-Fi routers, tablets, additional SIM cards, cameras, intimate photos, gifts, etc., can indeed finally clarify situation. However, I won’t be lazy to warn you again: you can’t play with this! Such games are extremely dangerous!!! Also, I’ll add: If nothing was found after two or three checks, you should honestly apologize, tell your spouse about the fact of the check, apologize to him (her), tell him that from now on, you ( you trust her completely. The practice of my work shows: even if a partner actually cheated (or was close to it), but masterfully “hidden the ends in the water,” almost 70% of such spouses understand the seriousness of their partner’s mood and take all measures to really end it. their “left” relationships. If family life returns to normal, I consider such actions justified. – Installation of tracking sensors on his and your car, agreed upon with your spouse, which in real time help track the movement of cars around the city or in another area. The same, agreed upon with the partner, registration on special banking sites (tele-banks), which allows spouses to control any more or less serious purchases of each other (including food, air tickets, hotel payments, etc.) using bank and credit card. – Appeal to the relatives of the spouse for help in bringing to life that spree partner whose infidelity is a matter of completeproven. – Demonstrative expulsion of a partner from the matrimonial home with things, in the case of a confirmed fact of infidelity (if the apartment is yours, or purchased jointly). The same demonstrative removal from the apartment with things, if the only owner of the apartment is your “half”. Preferably, without assault or slaps. Note to all points: The jealousy of well-mannered, normal, mentally healthy people manifests itself in a sober state! Scandals based on jealousy only after drinking alcohol, a sign of a gradual transition to the next group of men and women, manifestations of jealousy in whom can be classified as problematic. Addition: If there was betrayal in the family, but it was dismantled to pieces, the appropriate apologies, the correct conclusions were drawn from what happened, the spouses made a fundamental decision to stay together, and in the further history of the family such excesses no longer occur, it is the duty of both spouses to completely exclude this topic for conversation in family life. Forever! If you start spinning the topic of betrayal like a broken record, you can again end up with a psychotherapist and long-term use of antidepressants. Having this set of normal jealousy, the “by contradiction” method can easily give a set of signs of dangerous, manic jealousy. Signs of manifestations of paranoid, manic jealousy:– The requirement for a spouse is that the partner deliberately ruin his appearance (get fat, stop going to the hairdresser, don’t update his wardrobe for years, etc.), never leave the house without his “half,” don’t work outside the home, don’t have pocket money, didn’t communicate with friends, didn’t go online, etc. – Regular, supposedly “preventive” conversations on the topic “is there someone on your side of the road?” in conditions where absolutely nothing causes cause for concern, and the spouse behaves exclusively correctly. – Threats to commit suicide if accurate information about the fact of a partner’s betrayal suddenly appears. – Threats to seriously worsen one’s health in any way (or health of a joint child), if accurate information suddenly appears about the fact of a partner’s betrayal. – Threats to show physical or moral violence against a person who is suspected of having an affair with a partner, attempts to somehow actually worsen the life of this person. Somehow: visiting him (her) at work or at home, watching him at the entrance, making phone calls to himself, his parents, relatives, children, etc. – Threats to start a fire (flood) in his own or someone else’s apartment, if , suddenly, accurate information about the fact of a partner’s betrayal will appear. – Any damage to the property of the family, spouse or person who is suspected of having an affair with the partner. Including torn, cut things, broken cars and windows in the house, etc. etc. – Threats of use, as well as the very use of supposedly “magical” rituals in relation to either the person who is suspected of having a love affair with a partner, or in relation to the partner, or to oneself. For example, going to “grandmothers”, magicians and psychics, removing and inducing “damage” and the “evil eye”, visiting cemeteries, pouring earth under the doors of someone else’s apartment, writing magical signs on doors and other household items, etc. – An acute desire It is imperative to enter into personal communication, conflict, or direct peace negotiations with the person (those people) who are suspected of having an affair with their spouse. Both in the form of a personal meeting, and phone calls, SMS correspondence. – Constant monitoring and reading of SMS correspondence in the partner’s phone, his (her) personal pages on social networks. Regular searches of his personal belongings. Regular personal surveillance of the spouse with the involvement of third parties. Frequent dictaphone recording of his conversations by placing the dictaphone at home, in the spouse's car or office. Systematic flirting via SMS or social networks with one’s own “half”, supposedly on behalf of another person. – Daily ritual in the form of checking the spouse’s mobile phone, searchpockets, briefcases, purses, purses, spouse's car. Sniffing a partner to detect foreign odors, hair, etc. – Frequently turning to relatives, friends and management of the spouse so that they raise him (her) in the conditions that the partner’s guilt is only hypothetical, unproven. – Frequent, as it seems to you - proactive, preventive, conversations on the topic of fidelity with raising the voice, cursing, insults, assault, regular leaving the house or attempts to push the partner out the door. Especially in the presence of children, other relatives or friends. Especially after drinking alcohol! Remember: Decent, self-respecting people with a healthy psyche talk about the very possibility of leaving the family if they discover someone’s infidelity, or practice this only once (in an ideal case), maximum two or three times. If scandals based on jealousy or leaving home become as natural, a regular occurrence as rain or snow, the personal and family fate of such people causes me sincere pity and concern... – Regular (sarcastic, angry, or vice versa - tearful) reminder to your partner about his past betrayals, which were revealed many years ago, analyzed in a timely manner, forgiven and, it would seem, should have been overcome and forgotten long ago. However, this was not the case! Even with the positive and faithful behavior of a partner who has realized his guilt, unpleasant facts of the past are extracted from memory at every convenient and inconvenient occasion, inflated, overgrown with new details and conjectures, savored, leading to further clarification of relationships and explosions of emotions as if all this happened yesterday. I would also add that obsessive, almost manic cases of jealousy should include any form of persecution of a partner after the legal fact of a family divorce. However, the conversation on this topic should be more specific. If, after reading the list I have given of what I personally consider “distortions of jealousy,” you begin to declare that, on the contrary, these are the only effective methods of fighting for the family, I will point out to you the following disadvantages hard methods: Disadvantages of hard methods of jealousy: – They do not convince the partner that the one who uses these methods of instilling fidelity can always maintain it himself. – They evoke a feeling of sincere indignation and protest, and the “educational” scandals that accompany them gradually reduce the number of positive emotions once received from love and family communication. – They often openly humiliate the person to whom they are applied, fetter a person’s freedom and insult his pride. – Acting on the consciousness of a partner using the “reverse” method, they often only whet his (her) sexual appetites and force him to check: “Is the forbidden fruit really as sweet as those who forbid eating it say?” – In the “heat of battle” completely innocent people (including children) can suffer physically, morally and psychologically ). By the way, some especially hotheads, in a fit of jealousy, commit crimes and then end up in places not so distant... - An unreasonably harsh, excessive expression of jealousy often worsens the relationship between spouses so much that this in itself can destroy the family. Remember: One of the reasons for betrayal can be cruel jealousy towards that person who has not yet committed anything. So, as they say, “think for yourself, decide for yourself.” Now, a couple more of my personal thoughts about jealousy. First thought. Jealousy, within reasonable limits, has a right to exist in the family. I often see overly complex people at my appointments who are extremely embarrassed to be jealous of their spouse. Such people believe that “the manifestation of jealousy is a sign of a person’s weakness and stupidity.” Along with “overly jealousy,” such “under-jealousy” is also a family mistake. In this regard, I note: In my psychological practice, I divide family jealousy into two options: “Defensivejealousy". That is, jealousy, when one of the spouses is forced to protect their family from those dangerous trials that are already taking place in reality. For example, a person already sees dangerous tendencies in the behavior of a partner, guesses that the personality of the “third wheel” is behind all this, or knows for sure about his (her) presence. As a specialist, such jealousy evokes complete understanding. Its manifestations fully fit into the list of manifestations of normal jealousy that I gave above. In this case, I don’t recommend being modest at all. In the family, in matters of jealousy and betrayal, everything is exactly the same as on the road. If you are driving a car and see another car approaching you dangerously, it is best to honk your horn to avoid a collision. And it’s okay if the driver you’re honking at gets offended by you and may even angrily shout out the window to you that he saw you perfectly well and wouldn’t have crashed into you anyway. You will forget this incident in an hour, but your car will remain intact, and in the event of an accident you will not have to lose half a day to register the accident, and then spend a whole month restoring both the car and your psyche. It’s the same in a family: It’s better to give your family “half” a danger signal in time, jealously hint that you are aware of some strange warming of relations between him (her) and someone else, and this can sober up your partner in time and turn it off at an early stage those relationships that have not yet begun, rather than proudly cry into the pillow, and then end up with divorce. And the fact that at the moment of an unpleasant conversation your partner will pretend that “he didn’t plan anything like this at all,” and even be offended by you, again does not matter: Saving a family is more important than one day spoiled by jealousy. But, I emphasize: only one day! If you enter the “sawfish” stage and, because of jealousy, begin to sort things out every day, then you risk falling into the next, unfavorable category – “aggressive jealousy.” “Aggressive jealousy. This category of jealousy has three sub-options: Sub-option 1: “Physical contact with the guilty partner or “third party.” This is when one of the spouses, being forced to protect their family from those dangerous trials that are already taking place in reality, gradually or immediately crosses the line of defense and begins to attack not only and not only their partner (moreover, with physical and moral violence!), how much for that person with whom he (she) possibly, or actually, had a love and intimate relationship. In this case, I categorically insist: Manifestations of jealousy should be directed only at a member of your own family, and no one else! No matter how you think that either a super-macho man or a sex bomb with his (her) wife is guilty of seducing your “half” work or a group of friends, one must call a spade a spade: If a person is fully sane after 18 years of age, then only the person himself is responsible for his behavior! And he is also to blame for his action or inaction, only he and once again he! And not at all circumstances and not overly cunning other people: you don’t need to be stupid and lustful yourself. Hence, I always oppose calls, personal meetings and soul-saving conversations with those with whom your partner may be meeting or communicating, on the topic: “Think , what are you doing!!!”, “Don’t take a person away from the family, we have children!!!”, “They will do to you exactly the same as you do!!!”, “Yes, I will grind you into powder!! ! etc. Within the family, all issues, including those related to jealousy, should be resolved only with the person who owes you something: With your “other half” and no one else! Communication with parents, friends and the alleged culprits is the path to your humiliation, nervous breakdowns, pressure surges, strokes and heart attacks. I'm sure you don't need all this. If so, then there is no need to bother with calls and meetings of those strangers who (unlike your “legal half”) did not give you any promises at the registry office. And therefore demandyou have no moral right from them. Sub-option 2: “Pre-emptive strike in severe form.” This is when one of the spouses, not seeing any clear signs of betrayal on the part of the partner, begins to deliver preemptive strikes, which are extremely offensive and humiliating. Somehow: do not let your partner leave the house, do not let him (her) home in case of delays from work, prohibit him from working at all, deprive the spouse of even a minimum of pocket money, completely take away his salary, demand that the partner become fat and look worse (no longer attracts the attention of the opposite sex), has not updated his wardrobe for years, etc. Sub-option 3: “Regular strikes in pursuit of past events.” When one of the spouses, after revealing the fact of betrayal on the part of the partner, then, all his life, torments him with scandals on the topic of memories “about how it happened, and how you were not ashamed.” Or, having themselves been caught in treason, they then apologize thousands of times for such behavior at every convenient and inconvenient occasion, even enthusiastically telling everyone around about it. This kind of aggressive jealousy no longer evokes understanding in me. It only causes misunderstanding. In this regard, thought two. Thought two. Jealousy in its extreme manifestations is usually associated not at all with the situation in the family, and not even with the behavior of the partner that causes jealousy, but with the personality type of the spouse who behaves inappropriately in jealousy. What is meant here is the following. My observations show that aggressive jealousy (in all three subtypes) is characteristic of five types of men and women (or for people who combine the characteristics of two or three types at once): – poorly educated; – those suffering from alcoholism, gambling addiction, drug addiction, suicidal inclinations; – conflictual and pugnacious in life, inclined to morally and physically suppress others; – who have already experienced severe stress in life (after war, serving a sentence, poverty, illness, loss of loved ones, other people’s betrayals in the past, etc.); – too much emotional people with a good memory, as psychiatrists say, of a neurotic, or even schizoid or paranoid type (prone, as people say, to “get hung up”). That is, excessive, aggressive jealousy is most often a consequence of not the actual conflict situation in the family, and the manifestations of those certain characteristics of personality, thinking, behavior, psyche as a whole, directly of that spouse who was like this on his own and before the occurrence of this entire unpleasant situation, and who, out of jealousy, finally loses his self-control and is capable of committing such actions which will completely destroy the family. In this case, it should be understood that the spouse with such specific traits probably already showed his character traits in all its glory even before the conflict situation associated with jealousy arose. If this is so, then for me, as a psychologist, in this case, we should no longer be talking about the extreme, manic degree of jealousy, but rather about what we have already talked about above, in Chapter 6, “A healthy psyche is a strong family.” ! And we will not repeat ourselves on this matter. You just refer once again to the recommendations of this chapter. On my own behalf, I’ll just add once again: In the event of an extreme, manic degree of jealousy (as I call it, aggressive), regardless of who it manifested itself in - you or your partner, you should understand , that this in itself will most likely not go away. In this case, at a minimum, you need to do the following: - stop, freeze the development of any conflicts in the family; - eliminate the use of alcoholic beverages and drugs; - contact a good psychiatrist, psychotherapist; - take a course of taking special medications prescribed by a doctor; visit a psychologist to somehow try to eliminate the most dangerous manifestations of various characteristics of character, thinking, behavior, to teach both spouses the skills of conflict-free family life. However, I really want to hope that the screaming, fighting, moral and physicalViolence related to the theme of jealousy will still bypass you in your family life. However, I will give some practical recommendations on this matter. Practical recommendations First. Do not hope that there are “non-jealous” men and women in the world! From now on, you must understand: And fierce jealousy and (or) the simultaneous desire of your partner to periodically go somewhere without you is not at all a sign that you have come across “some kind of different” representative of the opposite sex. In fact, all men and women are about the same (within their genders, of course!). Accordingly, you should immediately give up all your hopes related to the fact that one day you will be able to meet such a man or such a woman who wants to start a family with you, at the same time, it will be incredibly easy to let you go somewhere, and he (s) don't go anywhere. If you really come across such a person, most likely he (she) will have: – either sexual functions will be impaired and he (she) no longer “needs anything”; – or he (she) only needs your money from you ( apartment) or connections, but to get the desired result you can be patient a little...;- or this person already has a lot of life and love experience, has suffered a lot, has long been “out of his mind” and therefore gives you the opportunity to “take your time "(usually such people are already over thirty or forty). In all other cases, all men and women will definitely be jealous, suspicious and scandalous. Which, however, does not at all prevent them from asking for time off from their hen and stag parties, under the pretext that “my friends and I are definitely not like that!” That's it...Therefore, now stop being upset because you are clearly “unlucky” and are doomed to spend your best years in scandals due to jealousy! This is the lot of the vast majority of men and women. All the people around you suffer in much the same way. Let this calm you down at least a little. After all, nothing calms us down more than the thought that someone else has it worse...Second. Fight not with jealousy, but with the wrong structure of the family. If you understand well everything we talked about in this chapter, we can draw a global conclusion with a clear conscience: No matter how much we want it, we cannot make our “other half” less jealous: jealousy is written in each of us on the gene level. However, this does not mean that scandals based on the fact that “someone again went to the wrong place and returned at the wrong time” cannot be eliminated. It’s just that their elimination does not depend at all on tightening some “screws” in your partner’s head, but solely on his past love experience and your ability to correctly rebuild your own behavior. Therefore, keep in mind: It is pointless to try to make your “other half” not jealous! It is much more correct to eliminate the reasons for his (her) jealousy! To do this, read the list of seven subjective reasons for jealousy again, and eliminate them in your family. Third. Make your life schedule as “transparent” as possible! Try to understand again: Jealousy is usually a consequence of a lack of information about where your loved one is now and what he is doing. Therefore, if you have firmly decided that it is necessary to eliminate as much as possible the possibility of jealousy arising in your couple , try to create a regime of truly “transparent” family relationships. This term includes the fact that spouses must know the following: Ten elements of transparency in marital relations: In the evening or morning, spouses are required to exchange their plans for the entire current or next day, know the usual pattern of study, work and movements of each other around the city. In the evening, spouses should brief each other on the final (in fact) outline of the past day, taking into account those adjustments that were made to the originally planned schedule: where you were, who you met, what you talked about, what you achieved, etc. Spouses are obliged know the home addresses, telephone numbers of parents, friends, acquaintances of each other, have the right to call them to obtain the necessary information. Spousesmust personally know each other’s core set of friends and colleagues, have at least a general personality characteristic, the typical behavior of those people with whom the “other half” often communicates. Spouses have the right to know the passwords for each other’s personal pages on Internet social networks. Spouses have the right pick up and use each other's mobile phones. Spouses should know at least the approximate level of income and expenses of each other. Spouses should know why the “other half” looks in such a solemn or sexy way today. Spouses should know where each other gets their gifts, who exactly gives them and why. Most of the spouses’ non-work activities should be joint: go shopping together, visit, go to a cafe, go to the cinema, go on vacation, visit parents, etc. In addition, any unplanned meetings and even small changes in the “schedule of movement” around the city should not be a “closed secret” for a partner! Otherwise, your partner can easily calculate the time difference between you finishing work (study) and returning home and suspect that you were secretly meeting with someone else. And then even your excuses that at that time you were buying tights for yourself or stopping at an auto parts store will satisfy few people, and a scene of jealousy will become inevitable! “Encryption” is disastrous for love and family. Love is a flower that, outside the light of information and truth, withers and dries. Therefore, if you need special “personal” time in order to earn a little extra money, talk to the person with whom you had a previous family relationship (“ex(s)”), secretly buy your “other half” a birthday present (etc.), - it is best to honestly warn him/her about this. As a last resort, say that you need an hour or two for “cunning purposes”, and immediately emphasize that a little later you will tell and show everything in full. Then, actually do it. And jealousy will be silent. Well, or just a little bit of displeasure... Fourth. Warn when you turn off your phone! Continuing the conversation, you should also warn that in our information age it is not recommended to turn off your mobile and satellite phones, or not pick up the phone. Any inconsistencies and lack of an alibi instantly sow doubts and awaken jealousy. Remember: One missed call can often decide the fate of such family relationships that have already lasted for years... If you have a dangerous habit of turning off your mobile phone, or forgetting the handset in your car, jacket or bag, or not being able to hear the call on a crowded bus, be prepared for this that one day you will receive a coldly sarcastic message of approximately the following nature: “When you finish, call me back!”, “Well, what did they give you?” or “I’m already very tired of all this! Sorry, but you don’t have to come home anymore...” It is for this reason that try to keep your mobile phone within your hearing range at all times, be sure to warn your loved one that you are going down to the basement premises, where radio communication is very unstable. Also inform that you are turning off your phone because of the start of lectures, planning sessions or meetings. Sending an SMS warning about why and for how long you are turning off your phone is much easier than then explaining what and with whom you were doing for a whole hour, then how THIS actually takes no more than fifteen minutes! Please remember this, and then your life will become much easier. Also, if you are at a lecture, meeting, hearing, court and other places where it is not customary to talk on the phone , I still advise you not to turn off the phone, but to set it on vibration. At the same time, when you see your spouse’s call, do not reset it, but turn on the phone so that your partner can personally hear other people’s voices and be completely sure that you are exactly where you are. Believe me: this is a very effective remedy for jealousy. Fifth. Don't talk about erotic adventuresyour friends! I want my readers to understand: Most of the attacks of jealousy in our spouses are caused not so much by our real misdeeds, but by incorrect presentation of information about your life. For example: By introducing your “other half” to your environment, work colleagues and close friends/girlfriends, then “ washing the bones of them all,” try not to make one very serious mistake: do not tell your spouse about their love and sexual adventures. My analysis of conflicts based on jealousy shows: In half the cases, the drop in the level of trust between spouses is not associated at all with their own behavior, but with stories about the amorous adventures of their friends and acquaintances. Two or three stories about how your friend met someone again is enough - in a nightclub, and your best friend “knocked up” and doesn’t even know from whom exactly, messages that your friend was tired of brunettes and he switched to blondes, and one old friend finally “snatched” a stupid one for herself, but a very rich “sponsor” - this will be quite enough for... to stop believing you! And then they began to intensely control you and create scandals out of jealousy at the slightest delay from work. At the same time, your partner’s logic when making this decision will be correct: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!” By communicating with those who are inclined to often change sexual partners or have sex in order to make a career or beg for a new fur coat, you will gradually become “imbued with the spirit” of this behavior, master the same lifestyle and... sooner or later you will definitely cheat! And in general, how can I remain calm when my loved one is next to this person…. (this is usually followed by expressions from the dictionary of profanity)!” Agree, you probably think about the same thing...Based on all this, I strongly recommend to you: if you do not want to “fall out of trust,” under no circumstances should you dedicate your loved one to the details of the intimate and love life of those with whom you communicate. Otherwise, don’t be surprised that over time, you will be allowed to meet with them less and less, and every time you go out to see them on their birthday will be accompanied by scandals and scenes of jealousy. And only you will be to blame for this... Sixth. Do not tell your spouse about where and who has a crush on you! Another reason for the increased jealousy factor in families is periodically telling your spouse that someone has again pestered you on the street (bus, party, etc.) .d.) or “fuse” at your place of study or work. Many of those who regularly notify their partner about the manifestation of amorous and sexual attention “from the outside” (especially from management) usually count on the following: – honest reporting of such facts evokes sincere respect in the partner and increases faith in the integrity of the one who is it says; – the message that others value so highly the external characteristics of the “unapproachable half” should increase the rating of this person in the eyes of the partner. (Here I am! Everyone appreciates me, but I’m only with you!); – alarming messages about other people’s harassment should bring the partner out of a state of mental balance and force him to be around as much as possible: meet him from work, accompany him on hikes around shops, etc. I have to disappoint those who think in approximately the same categories. My numerous surveys show: In the overwhelming majority of cases, a message that someone is showing increased attention to a partner causes this person’s companion primarily to become irritated due to the fact that “he himself behaves inappropriately and thereby gives rise to someone else’s love and sexual activity.” Read this phrase again. With a high degree of probability, I am sure that you think about the same. And if so, then the following recommendations follow from here: - you should not spoil the mood of your “half” and incite his (her) jealousy; - you need to analyze your own behavior and try first to find, andthen eliminate those features (style, image, clothing, etc.) that can stimulate increased activity of the opposite sex; - you should report that someone is pestering you or “making eyes” only if someone's activity becomes dangerous, regular, or someone you know may report it to your partner. Only in this case, such messages will be justified. Remember: Jealousy is a Genie that, having escaped from the bottle, almost never comes back into it. So don’t inflame your loved one’s sense of ownership, don’t let his jealousy wake up and turn against you... Seventh. Be aware of the danger of suddenly changing your image! It is known that the road to hell is paved with good wishes. Some spouses, guided by the highest motives, consider it necessary and correct to periodically “renew themselves”, change their image more or less radically and, as they think, pleasantly surprise their loved one. Moreover, many books have been written about exactly how to properly “shake up a relationship” with the help of a change in style, image and wardrobe unexpected for a partner. However, it should be kept in mind: even the most minor changes in the image and behavior of one of the partners most often cause a storm of negative emotions on the part of the one who, it would seem, should be happy and, in fact, for whose sake, all this was started and provoke jealousy. To understand why this happens, we should remember that the desire to change and improve our appearance usually appears when we fall in love with someone, start a new love relationship , or moving in this direction. Therefore, your single-sided change for the better in a stable family relationship automatically makes your partner think that you... have fallen in love with someone! And apparently, he (she) is clearly not into it... This is how a certain “distortion” arises between the image and behavior of both partners, which leads to jealousy and scandals. You shouldn’t consider your spouse jealous about your unexpected change of hairstyle to be a “narrow-minded Neanderthal” "! Let’s not forget: “treason” and “change” are words with the same root and in this form they have lived in our language for hundreds of years. And this is not at all accidental! Judge for yourself: in real life practice, there are only seven main reasons why people suddenly begin to update themselves and improve their image. Here they are: Seven main reasons for changing your image and behavior: Reason No. 1. The man simply fell in love. Of course, he (she) immediately has a desire to maximally meet the requirements that his loved one places on him. And now he is ready to “move mountains”! Reason No. 2. A person who has a love or family relationship felt “something wrong” in the behavior of his current partner, suspected that he was dangerously moving away from her (perhaps he was preparing to cheat!!!) and decided to “work proactively” and, with your own positive changes, re-attract your partner and discourage him/her from “going to the left”. This is how diets, weight loss, buying new shoes and special attention to your face begin; Reason No. 3. A person (as a rule, quite intelligent) is aware that his (her) partner still loves him (her), but considers it necessary to periodically adjust his appearance “for preventive purposes,” precisely in order to deliberately exclude any possibility of so that a loved one begins to “look at” someone; Reason No. 4. A person is preparing for betrayal (sometimes without even realizing it!), he really wants to please someone, and therefore, by changing outwardly, he tries to attract someone’s attention; Reason No. 5. A person has already cheated, is trying his best to adapt to the taste of a new sexual partner and therefore updates his image and appearance, tries to do everything to justify his (her) erotic expectations; Reason No. 6. A person successfully makes a career, earns money, enters highersocial strata (or simply moves from one job to another) and therefore he needs to rebuild, at least in order not to be a “stranger”, to begin to fit into his new environment. Reason No. 7. A person simply grows up and therefore gradually gives up sweatshirts, tracksuits, wrinkled trousers, torn jeans, short skirts and tops, boots with thick soles, stupid braids “a la Pippi Longstocking”, hippie “baubles”, etc. etc. As you can see, the first FIVE of the SEVEN main reasons why people change their image are directly related to love, sexual or family “subtext”, to relationships between men and women. And this is only at first glance! In fact, reason No. 6 and reason No. 7 have exactly the same subtext. Entering a higher social stratum, a person can compare his existing partner with those who now surround him (her) and, one day, leave him (her) (and the partner may be fully aware of this!). And as he grows up and changes his “dress form,” a person may begin to be liked by those who previously did not perceive him as a sexual partner. And this also cannot but disturb his (her) loved one. Especially if he (s) is older than his maturing partner... Thus, we can come to the following conclusion: All the main reasons for updating the image and behavior are in one way or another “tied” to love, sexual or family relationships between men and women. A If this is so, it means that the very fact of their appearance cannot but disturb any even more or less thinking person. Are you worried?! Exactly! Well, is your partner more stupid or heartless than you? Of course not! Updating the image and behavior of one partner almost always disturbs the other partner and can provoke outbursts of jealousy. I hope now it has become at least a little clearer to you what is going on in the head of your loved one at the moment when you are in high spirits returning from the hairdresser or showing off your new watch or shoes. What happens is roughly the same thing that would happen in your head if you were told, in great, great secret, that they saw your friend (your girlfriend) with some long-legged blonde (a very respectable young man). Yeah, it got it! Exactly! These are exactly the thoughts and feelings. So, now you can easily put yourself in the shoes of your loved one who, instead of rejoicing at the improvement in your appearance, is sincerely upset. He is upset simply because he loves you and does not want to lose you... So, no matter what good goals the change in your image and behavior (especially sexual!) was caused by, no matter how much you hope that this will improve the attitude towards you, first this will definitely cause some tension on the part of the partner. Therefore, if you did not dream that immediately after discovering the fact of your obvious improvement, you would be hugged and kissed, most likely this will not happen. Moreover, so that your improvements do not become the cause of a huge scandal, show increased attention, care and even ingratiation to your partner. So we have an obvious paradox: While planning that they will treat you more carefully and tenderly (after updating your image), in fact you risk being rude. Therefore, as you renew yourself, you should try to treat your partner more carefully and tenderly! Only this technique will allow him to quickly get used to your new appearance, make him “thaw out” and really improve his attitude towards you. When planning to evoke joy and admiration in your loved one, first get ready to make him (her) jealous and irritated! Know this! Understand this! Get ready for this! Eighth. When you decide to change your image or wardrobe, never refer to someone else’s opinion! Many overly timid spouses, having decided to change something in themselves, think that this event will go much smoother if, explaining the need to change their image (losing weight, changing their hairstyle, the shape of their glasses,handbag, tie, etc.), they will refer to the opinion of some strangers. Somehow: work colleagues, classmates, management, a hairdresser friend, an old friend or a bosom friend. However, harsh life practice shows: it is precisely this justification for changing the image that usually leads to the most severe conflicts and grievances. The one to whom all this is communicated, most often, immediately thinks to himself something like the following: “Interesting, I have to ask for months (years) him (her) to do this and that (each pair has its own!), but as soon as someone outside made a remark to him (her), and now he (s) is already happy to try! And, perhaps, not even a stranger at all... For my pride, this is more than insulting! It turns out that my word is “nothing”, and the other’s word is “everything”? What kind of relationship do we have? I don’t like all this, oh how I don’t like it...” And most often he says out loud like this: “Listen, dear! Who are you friends with (live, married, married): work colleagues (classmates, boss, etc.) or me?! If it’s with me, then be kind enough to first of all take into account my requests and wishes, and only then those of others! And even then, if I allow...” Of course, this is followed by a showdown and scandals based on jealousy. You already know for sure that this is the case... Therefore, immediately understand clearly: Any references to the fact that the main reason for changing your image is the opinion of some third people almost always lead to a deterioration in relations between partners and the emergence of mistrust. I hope that you don’t need anything like that. Ninth. Buy new things only together! One of the main problems when changing your image is that many lovers tend to buy some new things on their own, without the presence of a partner in a love or family relationship. Due to the fact that most people know well that the desire to give various kinds of pleasant and necessary things (watches, bracelets, hair clips, wallets, handbags, briefcases, belts, key chains, umbrellas, stockings, underwear, chains, rings, various jewelry, etc.) most often occurs at the beginning of a love or sexual relationship, the appearance of new items from this list in a loved one’s eyes arouses an immediate suspicion in his (her) partner that he (she) has “someone” then appeared." This is followed by an angry “debriefing” and all further activities to change the image are completely or partially paralyzed. But an unpleasant aftertaste remains... As you understand, there is only one way out: buy most of what, according to your plan, should form the basis for changing your image, all together. Well, if your loved one is lazy enough to spend a long time and methodically combing through the numerous stores in your city, use the following stratagem. Having visited shopping centers and boutiques in advance, decide on what you need, and only then “guide” your partner through those specific departments where what you are looking for is sold. As a result, you kill a great many birds with one stone: – Your partner will not get tired at all (in general, this is a very good technique for teaching men to go shopping! Keep it in mind!); – Your partner will be firmly convinced that all your new things were not given to you by your lover;– Your partner will have a feeling of involvement in changing your image;– In the process of shopping, you will be able to pick up something new for your “half”;– The very fact of an additional joint “going out”, as well as eating ice cream and drinking coffee together somewhere in a coffee shop of one of the supermarkets will refresh and shake up your family relationships. Agree, there is something in all this... And more. If you do have to buy something without your partner, and he (s) is jealous, be sure to save all receipts, price tags and company tags and advertising brochures! As you know, when things are given as gifts by other people, all these “identifying marks” are carefully removed. Therefore, I personally know of many scandals between):+7-902-990-5168, +7-913-520 -001, +7-926-633-5200