How to overcome mother's attitudes? Author: clinical psychologist Litvinova Oksana Nikolaevna Often girls and women of different ages come to me for consultation with a similar question/request. It’s a disaster if she’s a young girl, but “mature” women and even ladies over twenty come. Here’s one of the situations: when my mother was pregnant with me, her husband (my father) left her, “went out for matches” and did not return. She raised me alone. I’m in the garden on my 5th day, she’s at work. I remember her tired, unsmiling face. I had everything I needed, but I missed my mother’s hugs and kind words. But she very often said some things, teachings for the future, which were apparently perceived as instructions: - A woman should be financially independent, be able to provide for herself and her child, - A man, he is there today, but not tomorrow, count only on yourself! Mom is a strong person, she always did what she thought was best for me. At her insistence, after the 8th grade, I entered college (“to have a craft and the opportunity to earn enough for a piece of barn with butter”). And at the age of 15, it was difficult for me to resist her decisions. At the age of 22, I met a man, we fell in love with each other, but he lived with his parents in a one-room apartment, and my mother and I have a one-room apartment. My mother was against our marriage (“you’ll be hanging around in corners all your life”) and I again agreed with her. At 35, I was alone, without a husband and without children, I decided to go to a resort, meet people there and “give birth for myself” . As an “exemplary” daughter, she consulted with her mother before the trip. In response I heard: think, what will people say? “I brought it in the hem”! It’s a shame at your age! I still went to the resort and even met one candidate for the role of the father of my child, but... at the decisive moment I couldn’t! It was as if my mother was standing next to me and “shook her finger at me: ah-ya-ay! You can’t! Katya is bad! I don’t mess with Katya!” Now I’m over 45. Mom died a year ago (cancer), I live alone, no husband, no children, I work in a job you hate. After my mother’s death, I began to wonder why all this happened to me? Now I understand that I was not living my life, not my desires and aspirations, but my mother’s. My mother’s words are engraved in my memory and even after her death they greatly interfere with my life. When I wanted to change my job, I searched for a suitable vacancy for a long time and then I was invited for an interview. I applied for this position and was given a day to start my new job. I couldn’t find a place for myself, because my mother worked all her life in the same organization and condemned those who “jump from place to place,” all the time I was ashamed in front of the memory of the deceased, as if I was betraying her ideals. As a result, I was never able to quit my previous, unloved, specialty chosen by my mother, going there is like torture, and I’m scared to quit, because my mother wouldn’t approve of it. I like one man, a widower, and he looks at me with interest , but I’m afraid to get close to him, what if he’s “not my man”, he won’t ask me to marry him, and I can’t live with him, “what will people say, I’ll disgrace myself at this age”! How to force yourself to close these “patterns” in your head ? Often women come who do not even realize that they are living someone else’s life, living according to someone else’s script (usually a parent’s), and cannot distinguish their attitudes from their mother’s. Here are just a few of them: 1. All friends are traitors, you can’t tell them anything, they can set you up at any moment.2. You have to study well, otherwise they will only hire you as a janitor.3. No one needs you except yourself.4. You need to provide for yourself so as not to depend on anyone.5. A child is a big problem.6. You must learn to cook at least one soup well, and be able to bake at least pies, and also your signature dish, so that you won’t be crowded in front of your husband and guests.7. The main quality of a woman is modesty.8. You need to get a profession that allows you to sit and shift papers and not lift anything heavier than a pen.9. Look for a husband with his own living space.10. A man should be a little more beautiful than a monkey.11. Men need one thing from a woman.12. You're not beautiful, so you should.