Marital quarrels and conflicts, especially in the first stage of a marriage, relationship, or a couple going through periods of crisis, are commonplace. And this is no coincidence. After all, each of us grew up in our own family, where we lived and were raised, gaining our own, unique life experience every day. Since childhood, listening to fairy tales, we learned what is right and good and what is not right, we built our own world and established laws there, the laws of our conscience, our understanding of what is right for us. We dreamed and set goals for ourselves, our own goals, building our path, our lives. Therefore, in the world, two people can hear the same words, look at the same object, evaluate the same event, and do absolutely different conclusions, conclusions, giving different meanings, value and meaning to all this. Therefore, conflict will be inevitable when we insist that the only right and possible thing for another is what we consider true and important. Here we always devalue the other, his experience, his values ​​and ideas, his inner world, forcing him to look at everything through our eyes, depriving the other of his uniqueness, his individuality. Often, when we are faced with difficulties in relationships, we tend not to notice our own mistakes and We like to blame our partner for everything. We clearly and clearly see what needs to be changed in the other for the relationship to improve. At sessions, when I ask the client to tell me about what is happening to him, I hear: - She just doesn’t want to understand... If I continue to insist on my question: What’s wrong with you? - With me?... Yes, my wife is just always irritable and evil. And then again and again I try to return the client to himself, I ask you to listen to your feelings: What do you feel? What exactly happens to you at these moments? In a conflict, almost everyone, regardless of gender, talks not about themselves, but about the other, as the culprit of the quarrel. This is very easy to see in everyday family life, in its little things - many spouses can quarrel for years or to be dissatisfied with each other because one of them does not put things in THIS WAY, does not wash the dishes, does laundry, raises a child... NOT according to MY, which means it’s wrong. It’s just that in a family there are two divergent rules, about - how to do THIS. And none of them is more correct, none of them can have any advantages over the other. Spiral of conflict escalation.. In communication, we always influence each other even when we are silent. We know how to speak, declare our mood with facial expressions, face, posture, gestures, all behavior - from a wrinkled nose, shrugging shoulders, various variations of grins, tears to a plate flying into the wall or onto the floor, a thrown telephone receiver or a slamming door. And at the same time we remain silent, independently speculating on our partner’s motivation. Thus, the conflict grows, gaining strength and power, making another turn of the spiral. Let's look at this using a specific life example. For example, a wife is unhappy that her husband stays late after work and returns home late. Exhausted by expectations, she may decide: “He is in no hurry to go home, since work and friends have become more important to him than me. I’m no longer interested in him... he’s bored with me... he doesn’t care about me... he doesn’t respect me... he doesn’t love me” - this is nothing more than her interpretation of this event, her speculation. What is she guided by – yes, her resentment towards her husband. And what’s surprising is that she was upset not because her husband was not at home at the moment, but because of the thoughts that came to her mind, because... She herself drew such conclusions from this event, she herself gave them such a form and color. And with such thoughts about her husband, about herself, with such a feeling of resentment and bitterness, it will be difficult for her to meet her late husband, except perhaps to reprimand her or, on the contrary, to punish her with her indifference. But it would be good to ask yourself questions: What hurts me so much? What is for me? does his being late mean? What do I really need from him whenDo I urge him to be punctual? What am I trying to convey to him when I react this way? – So that he can show me how important I am to him? So that he appreciates me? So that he takes me into account? After all, very often, when we are focused on ourselves, only on our feelings and thoughts, we do not notice what is happening to others, we simply cannot see it, because... we are deprived of sympathy. Now let's look at how it looks from the husband's position - he comes and sees an offended, irritated or deliberately indifferent wife. And in turn, he gets angry and irritated himself, because... evaluates this as the fact that he is not loved and not cared about, and next time he is in no hurry to come home early again. What for? - after all, a not very pleasant meeting awaits him there. This closes the circle of conflict communication, and here it is no longer important: who was the first, who was the first to start such behavior, who was the first to incorrectly interpret the partner’s actions, because the second one successfully intercepted the baton of the conflict, and then also faithfully returned it back. Thus, by transferring the initiative of conflict behavior, the spouses get to the moment until one of them decides to stop and interrupt this ill-fated circle, because... there is not enough strength for such interaction, conflict and quarrels always exhaust a person, take away both physical and emotional energy from him. Very often when sorting out conflicts, I hear almost the same beginning of phrases from both spouses: “And to that I thought that you ………….(interpretation that helps maintain conflict behavior).” And then those thoughts, those judgments and conclusions with the help of which the husband and wife upset, irritated, and angered themselves appear. Ways out of the conflict.1. Turn to your feelings and think about what really stands behind your claims to your partner. After all, we never do anything for nothing. Often behind our dissatisfaction lies a need for attention, a feeling of loneliness, a desire to be needed, important, loved. Nowadays in families, few people are taught to understand the love language of another person, so it is easier for many to quarrel in order to draw attention to themselves and understand that they are not indifferent to you. Therefore, if you see behind the dissatisfaction and nagging a genuine feeling, something that is hidden in the depths, and not superficial irritation, if behind the claims, reproaches, you hear a declaration of love, fear of losing a loved one or a request for help, then maybe you will not answer your half at all in a conflict style and will understand each other faster. Resolving any conflict from the position of “what is happening to me” is much more productive than coming to the same conviction over and over again that all problems lie in the person next to you.2. Learn to look at relationships from real, and not from ideal, positions. You can correct the situation if you understand that the state of love cannot last forever; in the real life of good, loving, kind people, there are external disagreements and internal conflicts. It’s surprising that people forget about this and persistently continue to look for an ideal relationship, thinking that in another marriage, with another partner, everything will turn out differently. Believe me, reality becomes much more attractive if we allow ourselves to enjoy it to the best of our own abilities and capabilities, instead of conditioning and limiting our own lives and relationships with our ideas about the ideal, suffering from the unattainability of this dream. Therefore, it is important to learn to use the opportunities that life gives you one hundred percent.3. Act in the direction of the result you want to get. People during a conflict often blame the other side, trying to figure out who is right, who is wrong, who deserved this behavior and who did not deserve to be treated this way, who started first... .and a lot of time and effort is spent on these questions and clarifications. The couple is mainly focused on the past of their conflict. With their grievances and complaints they shield themselves from their future and do not focus on the result they want to get. It seems to them that.