From the author: The studies I talked about here showed that in a short observation (15 minutes) it is possible to determine with high accuracy whether a couple has a happy future. Such accuracy of prediction suggests that we are somewhere very close to the basic factor influencing relationships, personal life, and ultimately the fate of a person. I continue the topic of relationships in couples. Start here: Laboratory of Love. https:// www.b17.ru/article/the_love_lab_laboratoriya_lyubvi_masmasters_of_love/ The first publication describes the results of observations by psychologists of couples during their normal communication. A control survey after 4 years showed that all couples who at the first meeting showed one or more of the symptoms listed below had already divorced or continued to remain in an unhappy union/marriage. These are the symptoms: - One of the couple takes a defensive position, which means that he is not safe in the relationship. -At least one of the partners constantly criticizes - devalues ​​the other. Again, it’s not safe for anyone else. - Both partners alternately criticize and defend themselves. The devaluation is mutual, each partner feels danger and demonstrates attack/defense in the relationship. - Partners are emotionally closed. They seem to be emotionally separated from each other “Respect and willingness to participate in the emotional life of a partner is the basis of a stable relationship in a couple” - seems to be as old as the hills. Of course, these are the basic characteristics of relationships. What is surprising is that these qualities are easily read by psychologists not at a time when the couple has lived for many years together and, perhaps, the partners are bored with each other, not at all. The observations were carried out precisely during the candy-bouquet period, at a time when both strive for each other and want to build a life together. “Love without respect, like an angel with one wing, quickly falls down.” Why do these people, who want to be together, build relationships so destructively? What are these forces that, despite the mutual desire to unite, from the very beginning are already working to break up the couple? Love is the strongest factor that keeps a couple together. A lover wants good for another, is interested in another: Who are you, my beloved? What are you interested in? I rejoice at your joy and am saddened by your sadness. I am on your side, I am for you. I am ready to help you with your vital needs. After all, in love, as in loneliness, 1- we need protection and support; 2- we need not to be afraid and be able to be ourselves when we are together; 3- we need attention, intimacy, recognition, self-respect and the opportunity to show our love to another; 4- we need values, meanings, in relationships - these are common values, common meanings. These vital needs are vital in nature, and their deficiency deforms a person’s personality. Consciously or unconsciously, our psyche tries to fill them. When we enter into a relationship having already learned to rely on ourselves, having learned to be ourselves, to respect ourselves and receive respect from others, we already have values ​​and interests, then in a relationship we seem to tune in to each other, open up our inner worlds and build our common atmosphere couples. Ideally, each of the couple is a personality (I with a capital “I”), he feels himself, his world and the world of the other. If one of the “I”s does not understand and feel itself very well, then it dissolves in the partner. If one of the “I”s does not know how to feel the “I” of the other, then the first will be selfish and, in fact, will use the second “I” as useful for it, without noticing the state of the other. All these dissolutions and uses can occur without awareness by one or both partners. This field of tension between selfishness and dissolution of oneself in another, between openness and restriction of access to oneself, exists in any relationship. If I have such a property of dissolution, loss of oneself in another , then in a relationship the other one seems to replace me, and our joint “dance of relationships” does not work out. It’s as if the partner has no one to dance with. The dance of relationships can only take placeif everyone can be themselves and at the same time with others. If one of the partners does not notice the other, then the dance will again not work out. Thus, deficits are generated by too strong and unsatisfied needs, which for some reason turned out to be bottomless, and in relationships its satisfaction is entrusted to the other, because the person himself in this place seems to be limping. A few examples: Client: Tell her that she must respond to any demand of her husband with consent. Client: I want him to care more about me and be afraid that I will leave him. Super need - tends to use another to satisfy one's desires. Deficit does not allow one to be on the side of one's loved one. The deficit seeks to use the loved one to fill it. What happens to the partner? Needs-deficits - give a partner the function of satisfying my needs, or me the function of satisfying his needs. The union ceases to be humane and becomes selfish, in contrast to the main thesis of love - I am on your side. Even an ideal partner begins to defend himself. He feels that something is too much for him. He wants to be on your side, but nothing can fill you, your demands are too big for him, he feels bad on your side, this feeling brings guilt and sick relationships . Either each then sees more of himself and demands that the other live for him. Or he forgets himself and lives for someone else. In any case, the relationship is painfully deformed. We really have a need for love, recognition, respect, that’s true. But as soon as one loses himself because he has a deficiency, and tries to replace himself with a partner, then he does not rely on himself and “hangs” on the partner, uses the partner instead of themselves to satisfy their deficits. But the other partner also has unsatisfied deficits. Against the background of the struggle of deficits, the forces of repulsion increase instead of attraction, protection, and care. The personality is relegated to the background, and instead of the partner’s personality, his function comes to the fore - using the other for his own purposes. Then the relationship takes on the character of abuse. And partners protect themselves from each other. Of course, to a certain extent we can accept and fulfill the other’s needs. We complement each other in relationships. If one needs, and the other is sufficiently strengthened in this, he can satisfy this need, and sometimes even fill and “heal” his partner. We do, to a certain extent, help each other satisfy our deficits in relationships. Where is the line between stable and supportive relationships and relationships doomed to break? We are ready to share what we are rich with our partner: 1- to a certain extent, as long as sharing does not mean losing ourselves; 2- only when we can talk and discuss deficits openly; 3 - the one who needs asks, not demands , the one who gives has the opportunity to say both yes and no when asked. If needs - deficits are assigned to another as if it were a matter of course, automatically, then help turns into use. .A person should not, even in love, allow himself to be used. Example: If one is aware of one's deficiency, for example jealousy, and discusses it with one's partner, then a solution is possible. For example, a partner will, to a certain extent possible for him, report more about his delays at work and meetings with friends. If he has enough resource in this place, and the deficit is not all-consuming, then eventually the deficit of the first will begin to be saturated, and he will treat both himself and his partner with greater confidence. But if the deficit is all-absorbing, then the partner will feel entangled in the constant control. Or if the resource of the second partner is not so great as to withstand greater openness, then in the end the deficit will eat up the love. Irritation and complaints will tear this couple apart. If the deficit is not realized, partners demand, blame, control each other, the relationship becomes painful. Guilt, anger, jealousy978