From the author: Published 01/21/13 Quite often we see how once prosperous families, gradually collapsing, come to divorce and a complete severance of relationships. If you look a little into the past, you can see two loving people, caring for each other, making joint plans, raising children. But suddenly a moment comes when two people, for some reason, can no longer live together. The process of separation, as a rule, takes place in several stages, when one of the partners leaves home for some time and returns again . All this can happen several times, and more often than not, it ends in a complete break in the relationship. Is it possible to prevent divorce? Is it possible to save a relationship from complete collapse? Yes, this is possible, but only if both partners wish, when both partners are interested in preserving the relationship. If we look at this situation from the outside and analyze it, we can understand that when one of the partners leaves and then returns, he thus gives a signal to the family. A signal that all is not lost, there is still an opportunity to save the family, relationships, feelings. A signal that something needs to be changed in the family, in relationships with a partner, with parents, friends and girlfriends, and sometimes even with children. Sometimes, partners try to resolve the current situation by complete reconciliation and restoration of previous relationships, forgetting that It was this relationship that led them to the current crisis. Sometimes, one of the partners takes all the blame upon himself, and for some reason begins to take a humiliated position, to the point of self-deprecation. Sometimes this relationship crisis can drag on for many years, even decades. As a result, as a rule, the spouses come to the decision to divorce. And from the breakdown of relationships in the family, everyone is affected - both the one who stayed and the one who left, and parents, and children, and mutual friends. So what happens, and why two people who once loved each other begin to hate each other, and Is the family still being destroyed? The first mistake that partners make when resolving a crisis is that both parties begin to blame and reproach the spouse for the current situation. How often can you hear: “he doesn’t do anything, he only cares about himself”; “she turned into a village woman, became like her mother.” At the same time, everyone sees only the shortcomings of their partner, and their own share of responsibility is completely ignored and it is believed that only he or only she is to blame for everything. The other extreme in resolving family conflicts is that one spouse takes full responsibility for what is happening only on himself and begins to engage in self-flagellation. He or she begins to blame himself for any failures, quarrels, conflicts, for the fact that the spouse left the family, that the family broke up, that the children often get sick, that he (she) demanded too much from the partner, did too little, and so on. . Thus, a person gets used to placing all the blame on himself, without trying to understand what he is really to blame for, and whether he is to blame at all. And everything would be fine, but such behavior of one of the family members deprives others of the opportunity to realize their share of responsibility and change something. It must be said that it is precisely from this attitude towards oneself and towards others that the next mistake in the behavior of spouses directly follows - self-abasement. Self-abasement is the humiliation of oneself and one’s human dignity. In this case, one of the partners begins to persuade, begs the other to stay, to return, and is ready for any conditions, ready to change himself so that it suits the other. If only the partner remained close. Someone may ask: “What’s wrong with this when a person takes all the responsibility and blame upon himself?” At first glance, it seems that such a person really understands everything that is happening in the family and wants to correct the situation. But if you just try to understand what underlies this behavior, then it becomes clear that, first of all, this is a desire to arouse self-pity, to attractattract the attention of family members, and perhaps present yourself as a victim of circumstances and thus blame someone else for everything. Now just try to imagine yourself in a situation where your partner is self-deprecating, crawling on his knees, ready to fulfill your every whim with the devotion of a beaten dog in his eyes. How do you feel? Do you want to build or maintain a relationship with such a person in the future? - after all, you lived with a completely different person, confident and respectful of himself and others. The next common mistake in building relationships, and no less dangerous, is blackmail. Blackmail in family relationships is very multifaceted. It can also include threats, for example, when they try to keep one of the spouses by not allowing him to communicate with the children if the partner leaves the family, or by refusing to share a joint business, or, in extreme cases, by committing suicide or killing a partner, and flattery - when they say that “I cannot live without you, because you are the best”; and manipulation - “your mother won’t survive this, and how will people and parents look at it, because we are such a beautiful couple,” but it can also be completely frank. It must be said that such behavior may have some impact on the partner for the first time, but since the blackmailer is not going to change the situation in some more constructive way, very soon everything will repeat itself, and this will continue until the partner will not give the blackmailer the right to do as he wants, and along with the right, responsibility for his actions. Blackmail, in its essence, is violence against a person, i.e. they are trying to force a person to do something that he will not do of his own free will, and sooner or later he will resist such behavior and begin to react in cold blood. And besides, if a person is forced to do something against his will, then this only causes aggression and hatred, and in the end everything turns against the blackmailer himself. Another difficulty in a situation of marital or family conflict is excessive resentment towards a partner, or excessive pride and rancor, and as a result, detachment from communication with him, reaching the point of outright humiliation of the partner in front of himself, children, and others. Again, try to imagine yourself in the place of your partner, whom you humiliate at every opportunity, blame him for everything that happens, speak negatively about him and his loved ones, especially if you allow him to ridicule some of his shortcomings and complexes. Do you think a person will want to interact with someone who insults and humiliates him, makes fun of him and his relatives? What if you also avoid direct contact and conversation? In such a situation, even if there was a desire to restore relations, and there was some hope for this, everything collapses, and often collapses forever and completely. In this situation, you can ask yourself two classic questions for Russia: What to do? And Who is to blame? To answer these questions, you need to try to look at the situation from the other side, and then you can see that there are no people to blame in such a situation, but both partners bear responsibility for everything that happens in the family, and only together. For example, if a wife consults with her mother on the most trivial issue, this may indicate that her husband does not provide her with the necessary moral, emotional, and even physical support. Or, for example, if the husband constantly goes to the garage in the evenings, then perhaps the wife cannot create the necessary conditions for comfort and coziness at home. In such or any other conflict situation, it is important to understand that the family cannot be to blame only one of her members. Everyone bears responsibility, both spouses, children, and parents. A family is, first of all, one large system, each element of which is interconnected with all other elements. Accordingly, any actions, deeds, behavior, reactions of one member of the system, one way or another, will always cause some kind of reaction and some kind of action on the part of all other members of the system. In other words, to.