According to the spouses who are in conflict over this. For some reason, many people are convinced that external data, health and image of spouses do not in any way affect the quality of family life. From the point of view of family psychology practice, this is a big mistake! This is exactly what the letters from my readers that come to my email [email protected] say. Veronica, Vladivostok, 32 years old. Doctor, help me convince my husband to start looking normal. Ivan and I have been together for twelve years, first we studied at a vocational school, then we gave birth to a child and got married. A lot happened during this time, Ivan even ended up in a colony for a year for running over a man. At that time he was still working as a simple driver. Then we bought a Gazelle, started our own small minibus business, and gradually expanded. Now we are developing a transport campaign, both minibuses and freight transportation. My husband is a director, I am a chief accountant. I had to go study as an economist and complete accounting courses. It changed me a lot and made me look at life differently. If previously I could afford to drink beer two or three times a week with my husband, now I take care of myself, go to the gym, teach our two children to play sports, and try to look the part. And my Ivan, although he has been a rich man for a long time, outwardly, as he was in his youth, remains a goofball, if not quite swearing. Friends laugh and say that he was and remains “a man from the nineties.” He still wears a tracksuit and a leather jacket, wears a purse, lights a cigarette, lights a match on his trousers, in the summer he can wear flip-flops and white socks, and so on. It can be funny to me, I want to laugh, but he freaks out and says that I’m a glamorous fool, and he’s a real man. True, he goes shopping with me, but he buys everything for himself. Moreover, in such a style that then our clients tell me: “Veronica Igorevna, are things so bad in your company that you cannot afford something modern?!” When we go out somewhere in public, it’s always a scandal. I ask him to change into something more decent, and he shouts at me that if you don’t like it, go alone. But it’s also impossible, our children, a son and a daughter, are growing up, and dad should be an example to them in everything. I force them to cut their nails every week, and they point to my dad, where there are not nails, but already claws, especially on his feet. The hair sticks out of the nose like a bison's. What kind of cultural education is this? They should at least learn to wash their hair regularly. Please tell me if there are any methods for changing a person’s attitude towards their appearance. If there is, and you host these in person, I’ll definitely send my husband there and come myself. Gennady, 28 years old, Syzran. Andrey, I read your book “Sharp Corners of Young Families” and agree with a lot of things. I especially liked the chapter on the appearance of young men and women. I made practical conclusions for myself, but my wife just doesn’t get it. Snezhana will be 30 years old, our child is already five years old, and she was expanded during pregnancy, and she remained in this form, as if frozen. She seems to be still young, the child goes to kindergarten, her parents help sit with Yegor, but she just can’t cope with her weight. She, of course, tries to hide all this, she may even wear stockings and spend a lot of money on lace underwear, but I don’t have any excitement for this fat. She’s in bed, ready for anything, but I don’t need this anymore. Recently, after two months of abstinence on my initiative, Snezhana gave me a scandal. I said there won't be any sex until she loses weight. She told me that she has both a grandmother and a mother, all overweight, which is where I looked when I got married. And I say that in her mother’s time there were no gyms and diets. She told me that she was almost thirty, she was a grown woman and a mother, like she didn’t need to look eighteen anymore and all that. We still don’t have sex, and, apparently, we won’t have sex again. I started writing on dating sites, she noticed this, and as a sign of protest she started the same page for herself. As the play progresses,We're heading towards divorce. Her and my parents began to fuss, everyone convinced me that my wife’s appearance is not the main thing. But I don't agree with this. If they had told me earlier that my wife would be a fat beast, I would never have married her, even if I loved her. Please write to me if there is any book that I could give my wife to read so that she can come to her senses. Otherwise, this year of our family life will be the last. Marina, 37 years old, Surgut. Dear Andrey, I need your competent advice. My husband, Nikolai, recently turned 45 years old. He is my deputy director in a commercial company, I myself work as a doctor. Now I understand the truth of the proverb “Grey hair in the beard, devil in the rib.” After my husband turned forty, he began to pretend to be a macho man. I went to the gym, started wearing youth ripped jeans, some frivolous windbreakers, started eating separately, and lost weight. I myself am not inclined to be overweight, but, age is age, and of course there is cellulite. Nikolai began to demand that I go to the gym with him, do exercises in the morning, and cook only steamed food. I am an orthopedic surgeon by profession, I understand the correct lifestyle and nutrition, but I don’t think that this should be done under pressure, under pressure. I am quite happy with myself; among my colleagues I am generally considered a beauty. Therefore, I do not share such drastic measures that my husband took. Of course, I started cooking porridge in the morning, but I’m in no hurry to change my wardrobe and run to the gym. My husband has been acting weird for five years now, I haven’t touched him. But it’s obvious to me that he and I are moving away from each other. When he begins to criticize me that, excuse me, my breasts are sagging and there is fat on my waist, I answer him that for my 37 years I am quite good. Of course, I don’t tell him, but my peers and even his peers still compliment me. I tell him, if he doesn’t like it, look for a young wife. He gets mad and calls me “provincial.” I think that such an atmosphere in the family is unacceptable and I’m trying to prove it to him. I ask you to support me in this situation and help me find words that will cool his ardor. Thank you in advance. Elena, 35 years old, Krasnoyarsk. Andrey Viktorovich, I have no understanding with my husband and myself about my appearance. I have always been plump, and a few years ago doctors found slight abnormalities in my female part, I had to take hormones, and as a result I gained even more weight. My husband, as luck would have it, is very thin, and the children are like him. Now he has become embarrassed by me and refuses to take me to his holidays at work, does not want to go to the movies with me. He works as a school director and considers himself a public person. He is actually well known in the district; he has many acquaintances from among parents and former students, people from the district administration. I know that he loves me very much, he doesn’t have any women. And I understand that, probably, with me and mine weighing almost a hundred kilograms, it’s a shame to walk arm in arm. As he jokingly says, “They led an elephant wife down the street...”. But I still don’t have the will to go on a diet, I’ve tried many times, and it doesn’t work. I even ate all sorts of dietary supplements, but without much result. What to do, how to solve this problem? I heard that psychologists can treat with hypnosis, do you practice this technique for correcting excess weight? Galina, 36 years old, Tomsk. Find out if you can help me cope with our family problem – my husband’s snoring. He is a big official in our Ministry of Emergency Situations, the specificity of his work is that he constantly receives all sorts of inspectors, so he often drinks. Actually, there are no problems with alcohol itself; Tolik is actually not a drunkard. On his own, he doesn’t need this; after drinking, he behaves carefully. The point is different. He has gained a lot of weight, he has a triple chin, his uniform fits like a bag, he snores terribly at night, his liver is always enlarged, he periodically goes to the hospital to crush kidney stones, his tests are bad. The heavy weight caused flat feet, he walked with a limp, and he was somehow lopsided. What’s especially bad is that, based on his image, heI developed prostatitis and had almost no intimate life. And my brave colonel is still only forty years old, what will happen later is clear, he will get fat and get sick. So already, when we go out at his corporate parties, his colleagues tell him that our family is a barge on a trailer with a caravel. The caravel is me, tall and thin, the barge is my heroic baby doll. Everything is fine and even funny, but sex in the family is a problem. After two or three months of fasting, willy-nilly I begin to pay attention to the men around me. Tolik himself cannot do anything about himself, no matter how much we tried to change his lifestyle. Not long ago you had friends of ours and you reconciled them. They said that you are a good persuader. So I’m thinking, maybe you can try to put some kind of psychological block on your husband so that he either eats less or still goes in for sports before all his clothes come apart at the seams. Polina, 30 years old, Nizhnekamsk. Andrey, my husband squeezes me mentally, mocks me. I have been involved in sports all my life, I keep a good figure, it helps me in my work. I work in a beauty salon, I’m on my feet all day, the fittest and the fittest survive. Moreover, people who come to get their haircuts and make-up done are not poor, you have to meet their level. Dima, my husband, is an engineer in a management company. He makes good money and many times suggested that I not work, but sit at home, raise our common daughter and his son from his first marriage. But, I’m still young and I don’t want to sit at home. From here, for the third year now, he has been pestering me with attacks of jealousy, demanding that I save money on my wardrobe, go without jewelry, not paint my nails, and not even wax. Like, I suit him the way I am, and everything I do is for other men. At the same time, he himself is always clean and ironed, he goes to work in a suit and a fresh shirt. How to explain to Dima that now is the time that both spouses should look good, and not just him? How?! Oleg, 37 years old, Krasnoyarsk. Andrey, I often see you on the street in the center, but it’s somehow awkward to approach me, I ask for advice by email. I want to better understand female psychology. He himself is married for the second time. The first wife turned out to be a complete slob, a homebody. Moreover, such a homebody who sat at home, but always had nothing to eat, the carpets were covered in crumbs, and the sinks were overgrown with mold. Although he loved our child, after six years he could not stand it and filed for divorce. To be completely honest, I met Ksenia at that time. She was then 24 years old, beautiful, slender, well-groomed, and worked as a manager in a travel company. My wife and I came there for a trip to Spain, fell in love and became friends. I had just gotten divorced when Ksenia became pregnant. And when I gave birth, that’s it, I lost her. She became some kind of classic crazy mom. At home he wears a threadbare robe, and when he goes out he dresses in a way that even my mother doesn’t wear. The clothes are all kind of gray, old-fashioned, and the only shoes for all occasions are sneakers. When we walk with my child, I willy-nilly look at the girls again. Mine sees this and gets nervous. I ask her to go back to being the same fashionable girl she used to be. She tells me to be patient, she will become like this again. But I don’t understand, is it difficult to be like this when the child is already four years old? Tell me, as a specialist in relationships: can I take my wife’s word in such a situation, or will she never return to her previous form, and I will have to cheat again or even get a divorce? Zoya, 34 years old, Sergey, 33 years old, Pervouralsk. Andrey, I can ask you about weight loss training. We have a family problem related to excess weight. We are both quite overweight people, this interferes with our lives. Most importantly, according to doctors, this prevents us from having a child. And in general, we recently decided that we need to start living differently, like everyone else. I'm tired of living like this, when everyone points fingers at you, I'm tired of struggling with buying clothes, I want to save the family budget on food and medicine. We can’t lose weight simply by dieting; we probably need to give special instructions. They say psychologists can do this. Please help our family. Having received the most general impression ofproblem, let's start talking about it. What do we see immediately, literally with the naked eye? We see the following: Ten disadvantages of deterioration in the appearance of spouses: Spouses begin to be embarrassed by the unpresentable appearance of their partner, try to go out less with their “half” in public places, the family “cultural program” suffers. In married couples with neglected appearance and overweight spouses, intimate attraction decreases. In married couples with neglected appearance and overweight spouses, the likelihood of cheating increases. Mutual unpleasant jokes and “kicking” of each other in couples where spouses with neglected appearance and excess weight seriously worsen the emotional background in the communication of the spouses. Drawing analogies between neglected appearance “ half" and her parents (other relatives), spouses often and seriously quarrel on this topic. Spouses with a problematic appearance and excess weight set a bad example for growing children and grandchildren. Spouses with a neglected appearance and excess weight get sick more often than usual. (Including, they live less) Spouses with a neglected appearance and excess weight often have difficulties in having children. Spouses with a neglected appearance and excess weight are less likely to advance in their careers or achieve a successful career. Spouses with a neglected appearance and excess weight receive additional difficulties in life, their costs associated with the purchase of a wardrobe, medicines, etc. increase. etc. As you can see, the list of possible troubles resulting from problems with the appearance of spouses is, in fact, much larger than people usually imagine. The question is, why does all this become possible? The point here is that people, men and women equally, have one common sin: inadequate self-esteem. It’s like the proverb: “We see a speck in someone else’s eye, but we don’t notice a log in our own.” This is especially evident in the issue of our appearance. Let’s take the topic of female fatness, which has already set everyone’s teeth on edge. After twenty years of work, I have ceased to be surprised by a typical situation, or rather, a very common dialogue. A married couple comes to the reception. In the process of identifying the causes of conflicts or, on the contrary, cooling the relationship between the spouses, the following conversation takes place: The husband says: “I’m annoyed that my wife has become fat.” A woman who, in fact (with all my professional tolerance) is objectively ... as if more correctly to say this - in a very large instance, he indignantly declares: “I’m not fat, but plump. Just tightly built, strong!” The husband says: “No, dear, you’re still fat! There’s fat hanging from everywhere...” The wife goes on the offensive: “But, you son of a bitch, I gave birth to a child (two)! I must say thank you...” Husband: “Yes, but the child is already five (seven, ten, fifteen, etc.) years old! It would be possible to lose weight already! The family has money for the gym...” Wife: “Well, it’s my fault that my genetics are like this... I eat very little, but I’m gaining weight...” Husband: “Your laziness, not genetics! Plus, you eat rolls every day while listening to your eternal TV series...” Wife: “Yes, I eat rolls... My job is hard, nervous. Sweets relieve stress! Or should I now eat nothing at all?!” Husband: “Yes, you can eat whatever you want, just don’t get fat!” Too lazy to go to the gym, run around the stadium around the nearest school...” Wife: “Yes, the doctor forbade me from heavy physical activity! You know, I have... (the following is a description of a set of diseases). You see for yourself, there is no way out...” Husband: “I told you: it annoys me that I have a fat wife! I don't want sex with you! And I don’t want to go out in front of people! Everyone around me has normal wives who take care of themselves, but I have a cow! While we were friends, I was slim. I limited myself in food, which means you can if you want!” Wife (stubbornly and bitterly): “But I’m not that fat! And it’s thicker! I'm just chubby! I have a figure like my mother’s, with a glass... By the way, in the East such people are generally considered the ideal woman...” I have been hearing approximately such dialogues for the past twenty years. During this time, the fall of the USSR occurred, and apost-Soviet Russia, market relations strengthened, gyms and fitness centers flourished, shaping and super-diets appeared, low-calorie products appeared, turbo-slim, fat suction operations and gastric cylinders, clothes with increased sweating for those losing weight, pills to reduce appetite, hundreds began to be published glossy magazines with photographs of thin supermodels, all pop stars and TV presenters are living examples of control over weight and waist size. In general, the world has changed beyond recognition, and yesterday’s slender friends, becoming wives, not only stubbornly continue to become covered in fat, but also stubbornly refuse to agree that this is taking place and, in general, somehow affects their family (especially – intimate) life. In fairness, it should be noted that many men have not gone so far. Among them there are also many who, having slender, fit and interesting wives, themselves can barely carry their beer belly, sniffling and puffing. Having money, they dress as if they were collecting things from garbage dumps. They still cannot learn to take a shower regularly, have bad manners, etc. To make the picture objective, I note that there are quite a lot of married couples where the poor appearance of the husband or wife (or both of them) is not at all a problem in the relationship. People can either not notice it at all, or treat it with a kind smile and understanding. Mutual tolerance of husband and wife to some defects in their appearance, image or behavior, as a rule, occurs in the following types of married couples: Seven main reasons for the tolerance of husbands and wives to problems with the appearance of their spouses: Both spouses had serious problems with appearance back when we were just friends. (For example, problems with excess weight). Even being good-looking during the period of love friendship, after becoming spouses, the husband and wife began to lose their appearance almost simultaneously, which makes it difficult for them to criticize each other. (Suppose both of them quit playing sports, began to lose their hair, have similar diseases, haven’t updated their wardrobe for a long time, etc.). The life circumstances in the family themselves turned out to be so difficult that the spouse whose appearance has deteriorated has such an explanation of what is happening that evokes complete understanding on the part of the “other half”. (Suppose there are three or four children in a family. One of the spouses was seriously injured, became disabled or seriously ill. One of the couple is unemployed, hence the family is in financial disaster. The family owes someone a lot of money, therefore, both the spouse is forced to work in two or three places, which is why there is no opportunity to work on their appearance, etc.). Serious problems with the appearance of one of the couple are completely compensated by the complete dependence of the partner with the best appearance on the partner with the problematic appearance (or him). (her) parents, other relatives). Let’s say the wife has become plump, but the husband is her subordinate at work, therefore, for the time being, he is obediently silent. Or the husband drinks a lot, his appearance has deteriorated, but the wife depends on his money and is also forced to remain silent. Or, the wife has stopped taking care of herself and has become flabby, but the husband lives in her apartment, never had his own, so he behaves quietly. Serious problems with the appearance of one of the couple (or both spouses) are completely compensated by some other important circumstances from the following list: the couple has an excellent intimate relationship, has excellent leisure time, and has common hobbies. Absolutely all work colleagues and family friends (the entire environment as a whole) look so unpresentable that the appearance problems of family members are not catastrophic against their background. (Suppose a husband and wife live in a village where everyone dresses very poorly, are alcoholics and have problems with excess weight). The spouses are such zealous and fanatical supporters of one of the religions that problems in their appearance have absolutely no significance for them. their earthly existence, no one simply pays attention to this. This list is very good not only for its clarity, but also because it canused as a very effective test to assess the likelihood of deterioration in family relationships, including due to problems in the appearance of the spouses. It’s quite simple to use. Family relationships may suffer due to the fact that over the years of living together your appearance has deteriorated, if at the same time: – You used to be very good (during your love friendship with your current “half”), but now not very good. – Your “half” still looks great. – You have no good reason to explain your appearance problems: there is money in the family, there are no more than two children and they are over five years old, you are not disabled, your health allows you to sit on a diet and exercise.– Your partner is financially, financially and career-independent from you (and your relatives).– Your couple has problems in intimate relationships, spending leisure time together, and lacks common hobbies.– In your environment and the environment of your “half” “There are representatives of your sex who look beautiful and sexually attractive. – You and your spouse are not zealous and fanatical supporters of any of those religions where the appearance of the husband and wife does not matter. If from this list to you nothing applies at all, you don’t even have to finish reading this chapter: as a practical psychologist, I am sincerely happy for you. Accordingly, if all these seven points work in your case at once, rest assured: there is clearly a crack in your family related to the issue of your appearance. Then everything is simple: the fewer points from this list, the better the situation in your family regarding your appearance. The more of them, the more you should pay attention to your appearance. If it is difficult for you to evaluate yourself objectively, and your half, to the eternal questions “what do I look like?”, “Do you still like me?”, “I’m like this ), how was he at our first meeting?”, always answers only cheerfully and affirmatively, but at the same time: – doesn’t like to spend his free time with you; – rarely goes out with you to public places, tries not to take you with him on corporate parties, birthdays of members of his campaign, etc.; – rarely takes the initiative to engage in intimate games... I advise you definitely not to believe such answers. It is precisely such family-ritual responses, built on the well-known principle of “get rid of it,” that are too often the beginning of a long path to divorce. Hence, as an experienced practitioner, I strongly advise you not to believe such answers, but to use the following method for assessing the situation in appearance in a married couple: First, you should take three photographs of you: – the era of the beginning of your relationship; – immediately before the wedding (but not pompous staged ones wedding photographs, but ordinary, everyday ones); – a photograph taken over the past months (not from any celebration, you need your most ordinary household or work photographs!!! Otherwise, everything will be ostentatious and biased!). Note: If you have been married for more than five years, you can take one photo for every five years of your family history: this will make everything even clearer. Secondly, look carefully at the photo series laid out in front of you. Try to understand the speed, dynamics and direction of the evolution of your appearance. Are you changing for the better or for the worse? Moreover, I highly recommend dividing this general question into three more specific and specific ones: – Is your face changing for the better or for worse? – Is your figure changing for better or worse? – Is your wardrobe changing for better or worse? There are clear answers to all three of these questions, I advise you to move on to the next point: Thirdly, according to this scheme, take three to five photographs of your “family half”. Also: – the era of the beginning of your relationship; – immediately before the wedding (but not pompous staged wedding photographs); – photographs where your spouse was photographed in recent years and at the present time. Look again carefully at the photo series laid out in front of you and understand: – Is your partner’s face changing for the better or worse? – Is your partner’s figure changing for the better or worse?partner? – Is your partner’s wardrobe changing for the better or for the worse? Fourthly, move on to intermediate conclusions. If during your love and family relationships, your appearance, at least, has not worsened, but only improved, and so has your partner’s , then everything is fine. If during your love and family relationships, your appearance, at least, has not worsened, but only improved, and for your partner, alas, and oh, everything has become much worse, then it makes sense somehow way to help “half” start looking better. Until you yourself begin to look around... If during your love and family relationships, your appearance has clearly changed for the worse, but your half either remains at the same level, or has even clearly improved in appearance, have the courage to ask yourself the following :What justifies the deterioration of your appearance? Why do you think that you can look worse? Why do you think that your husband or your wife will tolerate you the way you have become now? Especially considering that they themselves generally look better than you? Why do you think that your several unsuccessful attempts to improve your appearance will be counted by your partner as something justifying you, and after that you can do nothing about yourself? In this case, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the question of why your appearance has deteriorated and the question of what justifies the deterioration of your appearance are far from the same thing. These are two completely different formulations of two different questions. In addition, I will provide the following information to the most curious. When talking about the reasons for the deterioration in the appearance of one of the couple, I always clearly divide them into two types: direct and indirect. Here's what they look like: Five reasons for the direct deterioration in the appearance of spouses: Reason 1. Heredity, that is, a genetic tendency to be overweight or a predisposition to some diseases. However, I’ll make a reservation right away: for me, this is not a good reason! There is a great saying: “forewarned is forearmed!” If you know for sure that everyone in your family is fat, bald, sick and unkempt, for you this is not a death sentence, but only a signal to action. I can’t tell you, systematically exercise, live correctly, etc. Reason 2. Disability and serious illnesses. I’ll also make a reservation right away: of course, these are more serious reasons, but they are also solvable. If we talk about disability, then on duty I had to see hundreds of poor disabled people (including wheelchair users), who, having overcome themselves, acquired a couple of basic dumbbells and even had a low-paying job (including working on a computer at home), looked much better, than many completely healthy and higher-paid people. If we talk about various serious diseases (such as diabetes, problems with the thyroid gland, women's diseases, sick kidneys, liver, stomach, pancreas, heart, lungs, etc.), then medicine Since the time of the ancient Greek physician Hippocrates, she has clearly proven: 99% of all human diseases are from nervous breakdowns, poor nutrition and lack of physical activity. To be honest, I have long been tired of hearing: “I can’t lose weight and get slimmer because I’m sick. And I’m sick because I’m too fat. And I’m full because I’m sick.” In addition, I firmly know: Proper nutrition, calmness, regular intimate life and sports are the best cure for all diseases. Moreover, all this, by the way, depends only on ourselves and no one else! Our main friends and enemies are ourselves !Including friends and enemies of our appearance. Therefore, if you have gained too much weight, but at the same time stubbornly do not lose weight, feeling sorry for yourself because you have problems with blood pressure (and all sorts of other associated diseases), then you are doing so completely in vain! Just start losing weight and exercising, you will gradually lose weight and improve your health. And being healthy, active and cheerful, you will be a much more valuable specimen of a spouse than being fat, sick and depressed. Reason 3. Women's and women's ideas thattheir husbands and wives will accept them as they are, that is, anyone. This also includes the traditional naive belief that “love allows spouses to come to terms with any shortcomings in each other’s character, appearance or behavior.” Let me note right away: this belief-statement actually worked for many millennia, as long as people lived in small villages, where there was a shortage of free unmarried men and women. But as soon as the 20th century came with cities with millions of people and many single men and women who were ready to do anything to start a family, the effect of the love factor, unfortunately, if it did not end at all, then, in any case, greatly weakened. Accordingly, fierce competition for personal and family happiness began. The most offensive thing is that this competition is carried out not only within groups of married women and married men, but also between married and unmarried girls and, accordingly, between married and unmarried men. Hence, the reality is that: Wanting to save the family, a modern married girl vitally needs to look at the level of unmarried women. Fearing of losing an attractive wife, a modern married man is forced to look at the level of unmarried men. Believe my experience: if you live not in a remote village, but in a big city, If you are not older than 45 years old, then if you do not follow this algorithm, the loss of your family is a matter of time. However, we will talk about this in more detail in practical recommendations. Reason 4. Orientation of spouses to the image, image and behavior of their older married and married acquaintances. The point here is that the behavior of any person is characterized by a certain mimicry, that is, adaptation to the background of the people around us, bringing oneself into line with it. Accordingly, many married men and married girls, finding themselves in such a work collective (or company of friends), where the majority are older and worse-looking people, consciously or subconsciously not wanting to stand out, unfortunately, begin to become the same. They also dress, communicate, stop taking good care of themselves, stop engaging in self-restraint in food, etc. And if one of the spouses follows this disastrous path, but his (her) “half,” on the contrary, communicates at work or on a campaign with younger, unmarried, unmarried people, then, of course, a serious difference and distortion arises in the husband’s ideas and wives about who should look like and how. With all the ensuing consequences. Reason 5. Improper arrangement of the life of a young family. We are talking about such excessive busyness or a veiled cunning of one of the spouses, when the husband or wife is chronically not at home, and most of the family household responsibilities and matters of raising children are dumped on one of the spouses. As you understand, usually on the spouse. Of course, in this state of affairs, taking care of yourself and your appearance, to put it mildly, is not very successful. But, in addition to these five direct reasons, there are three more, especially unpleasant indirect reasons for the deterioration of the spouses’ appearance. Their peculiarity lies not in the fact that one of the spouses’ external indicators have worsened, but in the fact that they have improved in the “other half”. Accordingly, if a person was previously quite tolerant of the fact that his (her) partner does not look “excellent” at all, then after some events, or under the influence of some reasons, the bar for his (her) requirements begins to rise sharply or gradually. This results in increased criticality. As a result, the person is scolded for what, in fact, has always been the case! And all this is only because the scolding spouse either could not afford this before (for example, he was poorer), or he himself did not even imagine that he might someday want “someone better”... In its purest form, this means that one partner’s life has improved (and, accordingly, the demands on life and others), while the other has not. In practice, it all looks like this: Three indirect reasons for deterioration in appearancespouses: Reason 1. Relatively late physical development of one of the spouses, delayed growth of self-esteem and the desire to compensate for the lack of self-esteem by other people in the past. For example, a guy became physically strong, handsome and had money only at the age of 25-30, and before that he did not arouse any interest among women. Or, let's say, a girl became interesting and beautiful not at 18-20 years old, like the majority, but, say, at 25-30 years old. Accordingly, her female pride and female self-esteem blossomed only after she began receiving many compliments from men precisely at these same 25-30 years. And since we all enjoy feeling appreciated and in demand by other people, we always subconsciously or quite consciously strive to increase this feeling of ours, and therefore we carefully eliminate everything that prevents us from being appreciated and in demand. And here it turns out: The main obstacle to us receiving pleasure from the feeling of being valued and in demand by representatives of the opposite sex is usually our status as a married man or married woman. Receiving any pleasure is almost a drug, it quickly becomes addictive, you want more and more of it. Hence it is not surprising that, again and again, wanting to be highly appreciated by representatives of the opposite sex, women and men strive to go out into society as often as possible, attend “party” events, and meet other people. And since husbands and wives usually have a very negative attitude towards this (and this is quite normal - after all, they are defending what they once won!), this struggle to increase their self-esteem immediately turns into family conflicts. The desire of one of the spouses to please others, always provokes jealousy of the partner and family quarrels. Especially when the second spouse also wants to receive compliments from other people. And here I want to draw your attention to two nuances that matter. Point No. 1: Many men and women who complain about their family problems, about lack of understanding on the part of their spouse, about their haste in starting a family, and who were planning to file for divorce, simply do not understand that the real reason for all this is their own behavior and one’s own desire to be liked by others, associated with low self-esteem in the past. Simply put, many men and women, complaining about the grumpiness and scandalousness of their “halves,” are, in fact, “spreading their teeth,” turning and distorting the true situation. Often, their wives and husbands are quite adequate, and their increased criticality is simply associated with jealousy, and quite justified jealousy, which did not arise out of nowhere. And here nuance number 2 comes into play. The thing is that, in fact: One of the most important reasons for creating families at the age of 18-25 is the low self-esteem of men and women. For example, a guy is not very popular with girls, this depresses him, and, accordingly, if he then manages to create a relationship with someone, then it immediately becomes serious in nature, the guy is very afraid of losing his girlfriend and getting hit in the face. pride and, in the end, the matter ends in marriage. Or, let’s say, the girl, again, is not particularly popular among men; when she finally meets a guy, she immediately “takes it into circulation” and, as a result, gets married much earlier and more successfully than her more beautiful friends, whose overpriced conceit, in this case, turns out to be directed against themselves. Here is another option: a not very successful guy with low self-esteem specifically chooses as his wife just such a girl, who also has low self-esteem, little love experience and these are precisely the circumstances, in the opinion of the groom , and must ensure its fidelity and reliability. And girls, at the same time, are also specifically looking for husbands of such unconfident single men, who, in their opinion, are guaranteed to turn out to be reliable husbands who are not inclined to run aroundother women and nightclubs. Then the situation develops as follows. Family life always has a positive effect on men and women who previously had low self-esteem. Regular nutrition, stable sex, constant attention and care of another person, an increase in financial opportunities, which immediately has a positive effect on the wardrobe and general behavior in life and communication, an increase in overall self-confidence, as a man or a woman - after a few years, this significantly changes yesterday’s newlyweds towards their blossoming. Personally, in this regard, I even think this: Early marriage is a kind of social incubator where insecure men and women finally mature and begin to understand their worth. All this is certainly wonderful! Increasing everyday self-confidence in men and women is very beneficial both for themselves and for society as a whole. But, as you probably already understood, this brings certain problems for family life. After all, after a year or two or three of family life, instead of two spouses who are unsure of themselves, and therefore holding each other with both hands, under one roof there are gradually blossoming men and women who are more and more liked by themselves and by representatives of the opposite sex! They begin to be burdened by each other, quarrel, conflict, jealous, think about “did I start a family too early?”, and in the end they come to a simple and logical conclusion: “Why would I hold on to this person? who gives me so much trouble?! In the end, so many people like me... So now I know my worth, I won’t allow my spouse to lower my self-esteem, I can calmly go for a divorce. And I will always have time to create a new, more successful family!” The position of the second side is also interesting. As I said above, for many men and women, one of the main values ​​of their spouses is that they did not and do not give reasons for jealousy. That is why they were once chosen for marriage! But now, when this formerly very reliable “half” is now literally basking in the rays of attention from complete strangers and demanding an increase in so-called “personal freedom,” many husbands and wives quite calmly come to understand the need for divorce as a means of deliverance from the "weak link". Their composure is quite understandable: over the years of marriage, their self-esteem has also increased and their confidence that they will be able to start a new family is as high as that of an overly presumptuous partner. As a result, a curious paradox arises: Improving a person’s appearance in family relationships is often a threat to these relationships themselves. Unfortunately, not everyone knows and understands this. But now you know! Reason No. 2. Too rapid growth in the success of one of the spouses. In life, it often happens that one of the spouses begins to climb the career or financial ladder so quickly that he literally jumps over two or three steps at once; his psyche is simply not ready for this . The situation in this regard is very similar to when divers rise to the surface from great depths. If they begin to ascend too quickly and their blood is not as saturated with oxygen and nitrogen, the body can experience very dangerous decompression stress. So it is in everyday life: Too fast and successful promotion “to the top” of one of the spouses often leads to the fact that he (s) begins to consider the appearance of his half “not corresponding to my current position.” Too quickly obtaining a leadership position and additional financial opportunities leads to such a rapid change in a person’s social status that he (s) begins to literally experience “dizziness with success.” New influential friends, expensive vacations and the sweet feeling that “this is real luck - in my hands!” often lead to quarrels in the family due to the fact that the other half, it turns out, “looks somehow not on the level”, “does not correspond to me.” And in general, “I deserve more!”Accordingly, such a “not very good-looking half” is no longer taken into society, the amount of time spent together and intimacy decreases. Of course, the normal “other half”, which is now being ignored, will never be happy with the spouse’s trips to clubs and saunas, expensive gifts or flowers from strangers. As a result, the “lucky” one gets the feeling that the main enemy of his success is his (her) own wife (husband). But it is erroneous: The struggle of a spouse against such indirect signs of increasing the social status of her “half” as restaurants, clubs and saunas is almost always mistakenly perceived by her as a struggle with the very increase in her (his) social status. I emphasize again: In fact , husbands and wives are not at all against the career or financial growth of their “halves”! They are only against what causes jealousy and has a bad effect on the reputation of their “half” and the prospects for family life together. Including against the sweeping accusation that “you look bad!” the person who actually always looked like this, but the partner was happy with everything before that. However, for someone who begins to experience the “euphoria of success”, such calls to “behave a little more restrained” usually cause irritation: “I deserve a better life, a more interesting partner!” Reason 3. Love affair and betrayal with someone more interesting in appearance than the existing family partner. This is a classic situation! An ordinary married man meets a model-looking girl, often younger and more interesting-looking than his wife. And if the wife, in fact, has always been “not ice,” or has neglected herself recently, then, as Ilf and Petrov said, everything is obvious: “Youth has won!” The wife is immediately deprived of intimacy, less time is spent with her, she begins to argue, and... as a result, divorce. Or, say, an ordinary married woman suddenly fell under the spell of some very impressive man. Of course, a pot-bellied and balding husband walking around the house in torn underpants instantly loses all his former attractiveness. The divorce scheme just described is launched. Having given you five direct and three indirect reasons for the deterioration in the appearance of the spouses, as the author, I hope that you understood my main idea. Maintaining the spouses in excellent physical shape, keeping up with fashion trends and having a pleasant appearance is the most important condition for a happy family life in modern conditions of fierce competition between men and women for personal happiness. From here, I conclude the main part of the chapter by categorically demanding that you complete our test to identify internal tension in your family regarding the appearance of one of the couple, so so that you apply all these reasons to yourself, your “half” and your family relationships as a whole. If you do everything right, then your chances of a happy marriage in our harsh world of expediency, prestige and betrayal will greatly increase. If not, they will decrease greatly. However, don’t panic: we still have practical recommendations ahead. Practical recommendations First. Wives - for the sake of yourself, your husbands and your family, do not lose your signs of unmarriedness! It has long been noted that stable family relationships most often change men for the better - they gain respectability. But many girls, alas, lose their external luster and begin to resemble either married women of Balzac’s age or classic “gray necks.” This is a completely different image, the attractiveness of which for men (including their own husbands) is more than doubtful. In order not to be unfounded, I will describe to you that collective image of an already very married girl. So: A typical image of a modern deeply married Russian woman: In a short version it is: – Hair in the “just hair” style. Short hair is either natural color, or dyed with some permanent flaws and stains, often in unnatural colors (red, wild red, etc.). Perm is common. Hair is often unwashed. If long, then abandonedbehind the shoulders, but, on the contrary, partially on the shoulders and chest. There are never any bright decorations in your hair. If there are decorations in the hair, then they are almost invisible and they are very poor. – Face with almost no makeup. Lipstick red, brown or cherry, with contour pencil eyeliner. Eyebrows are plucked, often tattooing eyelids and eyebrows. The eyes themselves (eyelids and under the eyes) are lined with black or brown shadows. – Jewelry is almost always either made of gold and silver (at the same time, already unfashionable, given or bought many years ago), or made of wood, stone or some kind of metal (and -la ethno). Jewelry on the neck is usually located at chest level. – Clothing is either colorful (striped, checkered, polka dot, patterned) or gray, dark or subtle tones. The sleeves are long. The waist and figure are not specifically emphasized. There are classic necklines and large necklines. Dresses and skirts are quite rare, usually trousers or jeans, in regular colors. Outerwear is also dull, eternal black or brown, classic cut, without decorations. Flesh-colored or black tights, not interesting, the pattern is very rare. – Shoes most often have a solid heel or wedge, sometimes with a thick heel, with a round toe, almost no decorative details. – A medium-sized bag, without eye-catching details, usually narrower slightly worn, with cracked handles. – A leather or fur hat, often long out of fashion. This is how most men describe to me what they would not like to see next to them, but which, alas, most often, is still nearby that’s exactly what we have... From here, using the “by contradiction” method, we have formed a collective image that is attractive to men (including husbands, especially husbands!). Here it is: The optimal image of a modern unmarried Russian woman: – Hair, as a rule, is long and clearly dyed in a specific color (blonde or brunette), always washed, tucked behind the back, curled or straightened. The haircut is almost always clearly defined. Some noticeable decoration in the hair is required (clips, crabs, headbands, flowers, etc.). – Face with noticeable makeup, gloss (not lipstick!) for the lips in a transparent pink color, no contour pencils, no tattooing of lips and eyebrows , cheeks and cheekbones are highlighted with blush, mascara is white or blue, eyelashes are often extended and bright black. – Jewelry is never made of gold, silver, stone or wood. All jewelry (earrings, bracelets, rings, pendants) are made of costume jewelry, but at the same time, bright and noticeable. Jewelry on the neck is either pulled up high (not on the chest, but on the dimple just below the neck), or (in the beaded version) falls almost to the waist. – Clothes are usually plain, in bright rich colors, without patterns. Or contrasting top and bottom (also plain, bright). Sleeves are either short or three quarters. The waist and figure are emphasized by belts and clothing. The fundamental difference between the neckline is that the cutouts are not deep, but wide, so that the collarbones are visible in them. Often the top has bare shoulders or at least one shoulder. Instead of trousers and jeans, dresses and skirts are worn. Skirts of medium length (just above the knees), fashionable original shapes (bell, shorts, slanting, etc.). Outerwear is also bright, plain, fashionable cut, with decorations. Tights of an interesting color and pattern. – Shoes are usually stiletto heels (7-13 cm) or at least thin heels, with a pointed toe, a lot of decorating details. Often - sports shoes. - A bag that is either very small (like a clutch), or, on the contrary, huge with eye-catching details. - A hat is usually knitted with decorations and rhinestones. Now I suggest doing the following. You, slowly, take a mental look at your married and unmarried relatives, friends and colleagues, and correlate their image and style with the typical appearance of married and unmarried Russian women that I have generalized. Try to understand: are they successful in love and family, or do they have difficulties with men? I recommend putting your own image on the matrix of married and unmarried people. Moreover (and this is very, very important), you should relate your image tothe most ordinary, working, everyday version. I emphasize: not on a weekend, not on a formal occasion, not on an evening occasion, not on a sports occasion, but rather on an everyday basis. If it’s difficult for you to do this in your own memory, take those photos of yourself (and others) where you are at work. Only in this case will you be able to get truly objective, real results of your self-examination for “marriage” or “singleness.” And we (and you yourself!) don’t need unrealistic ones. In the unreal, we are always the very best. Only men for some reason don’t see or appreciate this. Now I propose to do this. If you are a married lady, I strongly advise you to eliminate, or at least minimize, the number of your signs of deep marriage. Just update your wardrobe, bring it in line with the optimal version of the image of an unmarried girl that I gave, which you probably corresponded to when you were not yet married. Have no doubt - your husband will be pleased with your metamorphosis. And try not to get too married again if you are not yet over fifty. If my reader is a man, just let your wife read this chapter and ask her to take my advice into account. I am also sure that not only you yourself, but also your wife will be satisfied. Unless, of course, she has not yet strongly believed that now she no longer needs all this. I also advise married girls and women to be especially attentive to the design of their home clothes. If you are under 60 years old, try not to wear sportswear, worn-out T-shirts, old men's shirts and flannelette robes left over from your grandmother at home. Remember: according to surveys of men, they are most satisfied with short women's robes made of silk. They say that they are very pleasant to stroke with your hands. Of course, with my wife inside. Second. If you are a man, try to look like one! As mentioned above, when criticizing their wives, unfortunately, many married men themselves find themselves far from rising to the occasion. They get fatter, stop washing their shirts, ironing their trousers and cleaning their shoes. They lie on the sofas all day, drink beer and watch TV. All this is categorically wrong! Exactly the same as walking around the house in your underpants, forgetting to shave and brush your teeth, cutting your nails throughout the apartment, leaving bits and scraps on every corner, inserting cigarette butts into flower pots, picking your nose and burping at dinner, leaving behind unwashed dishes, not being able to cook your own lunch. Etc. etc. I noticed that the most complaints from their wives about their appearance are men who belong to three categories of clothing style: – They prefer only a sports style of clothing. (Maybe it’s time to go classic?); – They dress in a la criminal style: brittle caps, black jackets with a raised collar, shapeless trousers. (If you didn’t “sit”, and there is nothing to prepare for it. If you sat,” it’s time to forget about it.) – They don’t wear belts and wristwatches, or all this is very shabby. (I highly recommend starting to wear them! In general, remember: The principle of communicating vessels also applies in appearance: An internally well-organized person always looks neat and smart on the outside. External smartness stimulates internal composure. I hope you will take all this into account. In general, I strongly advise all men to wear clothes of a classic cut: according to my surveys of married women, it is this version of the appearance and style of their husbands that causes them the least regret that they have linked their fate with the wrong person, and is less likely to provoke infidelity with stylish handsome strangers... Third, flip through the glossy ones periodically. magazines I confess honestly: I don’t really like glamorous glossy magazines, at least in the part where they talk about the psychology of love and family relationships, there is too much advice that, from my practical point of view, is downright harmful, if not. are destructive for relationships. However, glossy magazines also have an undoubted advantage: the photo series that is present in them may well beto be a good guide for men and women in the matter of how to look, so that a loved one not only does not hesitate to walk next to you, but also wants you. At the same time, we are not talking about making everyone look like skinny and emaciated supermodels! Demanding this from those over 35-45 years old is obviously wrong. However, by comparing themselves with good-looking people “from the cover,” spouses may well learn to understand in time how far they have strayed from the optimal version of male or female appearance. Believe me: it is better to be sober and even critical in this matter than to reach those sad family situations that were described in the letters at the beginning of the chapter. And so that the elephant spouse is not led along the street, this person should be allowed to look at himself in the mirror in time. It is in the role of this “mirror” that photographs from glossy magazines optimally act. So look at it more often. Fourth. Hide all aspects of your intimate hyena. The author is sure that already from the name of the advice point, you understood everything correctly, and from now on: – You will wash your own underwear yourself, and dry it far from in the most visible place. – Depilation, nail treatment, hair treatment, applying nourishing masks to the face you will practice exclusively behind closed doors. – Intimate hygiene products should be hidden in a secluded place known only to you. – Air fresheners should become the norm for all toilet rooms in the country. – Husbands and wives alike should try to continue to restrain themselves in any manifestations the functioning of your body, exactly the same as it was when you were just friends and shy of each other. Speaking about the latter, I directly demand that the spouses stop fulfilling their natural needs in front of each other! They didn’t do this in the “open door” mode in the toilet room! Tired of waiting, don’t rush in to relieve yourself while your other half is doing some housework in your shared bathroom. They didn’t advertise this when they were in the country or in nature. And especially don’t savor the peculiarities of your stool during a family lunch: it’s simply not ethical! All this might seem like a very fun topic for conversation if: – it didn’t cause spouses to be disgusted with each other; – it didn’t reduce the spouses’ assessment in each other’s eyes; – it didn’t negatively affect family intimacy; Therefore, I ask you very much: not experiment in your family life, do not fall in the eyes of your “half”, do not flaunt everything that, according to etiquette, is supposed to be hidden. Understand and accept: If your loved ones are like that to you only because you have stopped being shy about them, this is far from the most correct understanding of this word. You can rest assured: if in your family life you are still shy about something, this is not will only enhance you in the eyes of your family, but will also have a beneficial effect on your interpersonal communication and intimate sphere. This means in the intimate family sphere. Well, that's all. I am sure that you yourself understood everything else correctly. Remark: Many people mistakenly think that the proverb “You are greeted by your clothes, but seen off by your mind” has a meaning that applies only to the individual destinies of people. This is wrong! It also has the most direct relation to family relationships. Every family has its own signature family style. And if all family members look great, this also reflects great on its history and Destiny. If both spouses look unpresentable, or one partner is embarrassed to go out with the other in a public place, for me this means that in this couple there is a question not only about clothes, but also... about intelligence. And with such baggage, it is extremely rare to live together happily ever after. In general, you understand me: Intelligence should also manifest itself in matters of appearance! Especially in the matter of the appearance of your family members. Sincerely, Doctor of Science, Prof., family psychologist Andrey Zberovskiy, Contacts: www.zberovski.ru E-mail: [email protected] Make an appointment for a personal appointment and):+7-902-990-5168, +7-913-520 -001, +7-926-633-5200.