For me, the phrase “losing yourself in a relationship” sounds like a description of the state of dependence on a partner. This state can be characterized by a whole set of unpleasant feelings: shame, guilt, resentment, jealousy, fear. With addiction, there is an illusion of reading thoughts and predicting the desires of a partner. I want to live not my life, but his. And at the same time, it is necessary to determine whether desires are correctly guessed and fulfilled by indirect signs. It is impossible to ask the question directly for fear of losing the relationship. You may feel that you are worthless and second-rate. So what should you do? Firstly, we must not forget that this is only one of the conditions. And you definitely have something else in your arsenal. One in which you are happy or sad, but not ashamed or scared. One in which your relationship isn't going anywhere, no matter what you say. The one in which you hear your needs and desires, feel your interest and your strength and competence. The state of your integrity and autonomy. Secondly, you need to learn to notice how you switch from a state of autonomy to a state of dependence. What does your partner do that makes you lose ground under your feet? At what point do you become smaller than it or disappear completely. What is pleasant for you in this state, why do you slide into it. Perhaps it is familiar and safe, or you are fueled by the energy of anger... Everyone here has their own individual experience, but you definitely need it for something. And you definitely know how to switch back. And it would also be good to notice how you know how to do this. Actually, when you know all this about yourself, you definitely won’t get lost. And if you get lost, you will know how to quickly find yourself. There are probably people who almost never fall into a state of addiction, but there are very few of them. And everyone else can make their life easier by turning to a psychotherapist. It will be easier, faster and more efficient. A psychotherapist will be able to catch you at the moment when you habitually and automatically switch from one state to another and help you notice yourself in this process. After all, only by noticing what and how you do can you make a choice in favor of something else. My other articles on the topic of relationships can be read here