We do not create relationships so that they quickly collapse. And it’s all the more painful to see how attempts to preserve them often turn out to be in vain... Of course, at certain stages people do not need a long-term, serious connection. But now we are not talking about such cases. In this article we will talk about how to maintain a relationship with a partner, based on knowledge of certain patterns according to which they develop. According to systemic family psychotherapy, a married couple (and not even necessarily a married couple) is a system. What does it mean? That by joining together as a couple, we create, so to speak, a new “organism.” That is, we turn out to be not just two people, each of whom lives and develops according to their own individual laws - separately. We also turn out to be parts of a single system that lives while we are together and dies when we part. [The caveat here is that this separation does not always coincide with physical distancing. Often people, having filed for a divorce and separated, retain a psychic connection with each other - and then the couple as a system remains alive. And we can also make one more reservation - that in some cases the reverse process takes place: physically people are still close, but inside they have already cooled off towards each other so much that the couple has ceased to exist.] This system has its own stages of development. If a couple as a system does not develop, then after some time it ceases to be a couple. It turns, for example, into the coexistence of two people who are neither in a “husband-wife” relationship nor “lovers” with each other. Or ends his story in some other form. That is, I repeat, to preserve the life of a couple, its constant growth and development is necessary. There is a model that describes the stages of relationship development, which I will now present very briefly. Stage 1. “Merger”. Partners are in fusion with each other. They idealize each other. Accordingly, they communicate not with a real person, but with their idealized fantasy about him. Typically lasts about 1 year. Stage 2. “Disappointment/satiety.” The partner becomes like a stranger and even somehow “stupid”. Mutual claims appear in the category: “You’re hurting me! You have changed!” There are demands that the partner “become the same.” Borders begin to appear. According to the standard, it lasts for 2…3 years. Stage 3. “Aggression”. There is a feeling that the partner has deceived. A desire for revenge arises, which, accordingly, often leads to its various manifestations. Including cheating. All conflicts from the personal history of each partner are activated. All conflict topics from the relationship of each partner’s parents, as well as conflicts from the personal experience of each partner’s relationship with previous partners, are raised. Partners cannot hear each other. Usually divorces occur at this stage. According to the standard, it lasts for 3...4 years (as you can see, the boundaries of the stages “creep” onto each other, since there cannot be a clear division here). Stage 4. “Competition”. Partners begin to distance themselves from each other, build boundaries and “mind their own business.” They often begin to compete with each other – who is “cooler” and more successful in society. Usually lasts 3...4 years. It is also a fairly serious test of the strength of a relationship: “getting stuck” at this stage leads to the breakup of the couple. Stage 5. “Reconciliation.” Differences between each other can begin to be seen as enriching. Reconciliation begins with!