From the author: Link to the original source: In this article I answer a question from a participant in my course. A video on this topic can be viewed here Hello, Kristina! Kristina, in the course “How to earn decent money while doing what you love,” you once mentioned that helping parents is such a subtle thing. It’s very interesting to learn in more detail that from a psychological point of view this means? Is it right or wrong to help your parents? If it’s right, how should you help them so as not to violate your boundaries. For example, I worry very much about my mother. She is very sick. Since we are in a foreign country, and my mother does not know the language, I have to go with her a lot to doctors everywhere. I spend a lot of my personal time on this. So many. However, there is no one here to help anyone else. We are alone. My father also does not speak the local language. They do not earn much, but they earn a living. In terms of money, I have my own money. They have their own money. But I live in the house that they bought in their life. My salary does not allow me to live separately. In general, in this country the average, normal salary of a manager is an amount on which it is impossible to live separately. Although, it is believed that I get paid very well relative to other managers. I would be grateful for your answer. Hello, Thank you for your question. For me, the key difference between conditionally “correct” help for parents and help that can have a negative impact on your life and success is the internal state from which you provide this help. In other words, it is necessary to separate the two types of help. Help from a strong adult to his parents, who over time naturally become weaker and truly unable to cope with certain tasks. And help is a continuation of family destructive “games” between parents and children. Such help “ties” us to those very games, not allowing us to live our lives and forcing us to walk in a vicious circle of family scenarios. Of course, in their pure form, these two types are rare. Rather, in every act of helping parents, both components are present. The question is rather what prevails. How to determine what drives you to a greater extent in the desire to help parents? The first and most important criterion is the intensity of feelings that is associated with this help. The stronger feelings, the closer your help is to the second “wrong” type. For example, you are very annoyed by the need to spend your time or money helping your parents. You feel like you're being forced. But on the other hand, there is no way out - if you don’t do what is required of you (required either by real parents, or by an internal sense of duty) - then an unbearable feeling of guilt wakes up and the state of “I can’t find a place for myself” turns on, that is, anxiety. Again, quite strong and intense anxiety. Or another option - when you help your parents, you experience very strong positive feelings. You want to internally replay how your parents thanked you a hundred times. How good you looked in their eyes. Or in the eyes of other people who learned about your help. And again, these experiences are intense and exciting. “Correct” help causes fairly smooth experiences. There may also be satisfaction that you helped. Or irritation because something needs to be done, but it goes against your plans. But these experiences are calmer, more everyday. The second criterion is your expectations. And their totality. The expectations from the “right” help are very realistic. If the help is, for example, taking mom to the doctor. The expectation is that I will help my mother get a doctor’s consultation. That's it. “Wrong” help always contains hyper-realistic “childish” expectations. They may not always be realized. But if we look more closely, then behind acts of such help we can often see a child’s hope to “make mom happy.” Mom’s unhappiness is one of the most difficult experiences.