In our lives there are situations that are filled with tragedy, which are repeated time after time, cause a lot of negative emotions, conflicts, and are perceived as dead ends. These are the scripts. The scenario could be a woman’s relationship with married men. Having experienced a lot of pain and disappointment in such a relationship, for some reason she! again goes into such a relationship!!! Or the scenario could be some type of conflict in the family (around a certain topic), which is repeated time after time (the child’s studies, the behavior of the husband, wife, husband’s mother... and so on and so forth) is discussed again and again, with accusations, humiliations, moral beatings, tragedy and a tense situation in the house. Important elements of the script are prohibitions and regulations that are written deep in the unconscious. Prohibitions on feelings, on sincerity, on expressing oneself. And these prohibitions are so woven into life that they become part of the worldview, a significant part of relationships with people. Getting out of the scenario yourself is incredibly difficult. You are drowning in grievances, disappointments, accusations (of yourself or others), conflicts. This takes a colossal amount of energy. There is practically no energy left for life. In addition, in scenario relationships, a very strong dependence of the participants on each other is created. Conflicts arise over anything, most often something unimportant, and are used to distract from real problems. Real life problems are not being solved, the pile of problems is growing, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to look honestly and openly at these problems (much less solve them). Where to start? Unwinding this script tangle, first of all, it is important to accustom yourself not to get involved in an argument about unimportant things . Turn yourself in the other direction - go solve real life problems!!! Why do we create scenarios? This is how we hide from reality, which can cause pain. Scenario relationships (without intimacy, without real contact) make it possible to avoid experiencing severe fear and pain, distance yourself from these feelings. (Behind strong emotions and endless conflicts, real problems are not visible... they are not solved! Children still do not do their homework, husbands cheat, parents do not let go...) Awareness of the real state of affairs and layered problems causes a lot of fear and pain. So we run away from problems, hide from reality! The main task (and the condition for getting out of a painful scenario relationship) is deep respect for the scenario partner, for his opinion, his way of life, for his worldview. Disrespect is “you have no right to exist in this world.” Respect is an internal agreement “yes, this is also a way to be in this world...” Respect does not mean that you have to “bend under” someone else. It's just accepting the fact that the way someone else lives is also life. It is important to get away from condemnation, blame and contempt. Scenarios force us to learn to respect this world, respect ourselves, respect our feelings, the feelings of others, our rights and those of others. That is, to recognize the fact that we are only guests here, that if something exists in this world, then it must be so. You shouldn’t create your own order here (in this world). How to get out of the scenario? Become aware of yourself in the scenario. Study how I do it. Here are the victim markers: accuses (he is to blame! I am suffering because of him), condemns (he behaves so badly!! I feel bad because of this), complains (I am so unhappy...). Victim - launches script processes. Just don’t fight your victim. 50% of this is your inner child, who is really hurt, scared and offended... If you notice a sign of a victim in yourself, you can continue to do this (complain or blame) only consciously (the main thing is not to suppress your feelings, otherwise you will go in circles with the scenario) ! Admitting to myself - yes, I’m doing it, not constructively, but for now it’s like this... I don’t have any other ways yet... yes, I feel pathetic, offended and humiliated... to get over myself like this. And don't be afraid of this state. Learn to go through pain. Start unpacking your feelings. By avoiding contact with our feelings - wewe tie scripted (fake) relationships into a tight knot, reinforcing misunderstandings and lies. We will have to go straight into pain, resentment, and experiences. Ideally, psychotherapy is needed. Working through the emotional sphere is a difficult task. Expand the scope of the scenario. Start doing something differently. The scenario is different in that you move on rails. It’s the same thing, every time: someone is wrong, someone said something wrong, acted wrongly, you are offended, you are looking for a rescuer, you complain, you reach a dead end and you feel pathetic, helpless, life is full of injustice... and so that you not to feel - you again begin to blame and humiliate your partner according to the scenario. Try to speak in different words, change your behavior, complain less, start doing something that you have never done (something useful for yourself or others). Start showing at least a little of your true self. Put at least a little truth and genuine feelings into your script (only in small steps! in small portions) Learn to manage your attention! Train yourself not to get involved in an argument about unimportant things. Turn yourself in the other direction in time. And go solve real life problems. Gradually remove blame from your life. “Something happens to me not because someone is to blame, but because I allowed it to happen,” is the thought that must settle in your head if you want to free yourself from scripts. Not everyone can take responsibility. Only those who are capable of long-term planning of their life. Someone who can look into their future and understand their role in that future. One who has the ability to see in his actions today, the way of life of tomorrow. Noticing this connection... Blaming another is the inability to recognize one's role in the event. Guilt is like a hot potato that cannot be held for long, and which we toss to one another. This is roughly how events develop in the scenario: there is a thorough investigation into who is to blame and who is wrong. Since the participants in the scenario have little developed ability to predict, plan, and look into the future, awareness of their “contribution” in creating problems causes an overwhelming feeling of guilt, which you immediately want to get rid of. Independence. Independence begins where you recognize YOUR own needs. This is the most difficult thing - to recognize your needs (satisfying them is probably easier J). If you don’t understand what you want and what you really need, you will always become dependent. You will expect that someone will come and give you something. And then you will become satisfied and happy. No one will come and give. On the contrary, it will also take away if you have such an attitude towards life. To recognize a need, it is important to listen to your feelings, to be in contact with your feelings. Master the chain: need-desire-goal-realization. How to work with self-deprecating beliefs “I am not worthy”, “I am nothing...”, “I am useless and worthless”, “I am not valued or respected”... Try to change these beliefs, only very carefully. Without cramming into yourself “I AM WORTHY”, “I AM VALUABLE”... which will only lead to the rocking of the emotional swing “I am great - I am insignificant”. Find that place in your soul that believes that everything is not so bad.. where you can choose... Tell yourself: “I choose to think that I am loved”, “I choose to think that I am okay” If not succeeds, use techniques for working with limiting beliefs that reveal value. After all, every belief has some value to which we cling. There is something important that we cling to and do not let go of these beliefs. Learn to use any situation to your advantage. If the script shows you your internal conflicts, your weaknesses, flaws, etc., that’s great! Start changing the situation with yourself. Start correcting YOUR distortions, not your partner. Are you being treated rudely? Do you allow this? This means that inside you also treat yourself harshly. If you are annoyed by some quality in your partner, explore, maybe it’s yours :)