This article is a logical continuation of the article “What content do men put into the concept of “a woman who is a log in bed” and was also created on the basis of surveys of more than three thousand Russian men. It is quite complex and highly controversial. I will begin it very sharply and poignantly. It is necessary to understand that our desire to achieve what we define as “modern sex” is in fact connected with real sex no more than the eruption of an underwater volcano somewhere in Tahiti. Now I will explain my position to you. The whole point is that humanity is such a very creative community, which reduces almost everything to such a pleasant absurdity, which then, in a completely unnatural way, becomes socially prestigious and socially significant. Three specific examples: Example No. 1. From the ritual drawing of hunting patterns among the Neanderthals (from those very famous cave paintings into which primitive people threw spears), abstract art was ultimately born: symbolism, cubism, futurism, etc. Nowadays, the majority of visitors to exhibitions actually understand absolutely nothing about what, in fact, is depicted in the paintings presented to them, but everyone unanimously pretends that they are “impressed” and see the world through the eyes of artists. And with such an ostentatious false reaction, they stimulate a new creative upsurge of those artists who are sincerely confident that all visitors to their exhibitions are silently delighted, that they actually enjoy everything they see and see in abstract paintings even what is not in them the creators themselves see it. As a result, artists even try to capture these mythical moods of people and draw something else in this spirit. Visitors, in order not to be branded ignorant, again and again have to obediently admire and shell out astronomical sums for some unskilled daub. As a result, fine art, century after century, is moving more and more towards abstraction that is little understood, and it is fine art that is becoming less and less every year. Example No. 2. From the imitation of animal sounds, which once had a completely practical meaning and was necessary for luring animals during the hunt, theater was once born in ancient Greece. Then they sang in their national language, all the themes of the productions were of a relevant nature, and the dialogues and recitatives of the actors were perfectly understood by the audience. Two millennia later, the situation became radically different. In modern opera, audiences practically no longer understand what the choir or actors are singing about. Often, they do not even distinguish individual words, and many theatrical productions are specially performed in foreign languages. As a result of this, the idea of ​​a ballet or opera is understood only by a minority of those sitting in the auditorium. However, this does not prevent them from clapping with furious force and tremblingly feeling their touch on that beauty, the meaning of which is already essentially unattainable for them. As a result, some viewers who do not understand anything, with well-executed delight, tell others how great everything is, they watch the opera or play, just like their predecessors, do not understand anything about what they saw, but no less cheerfully lie to third people, thereby motivating them to do the same if I may say “introduction” to the high world of art. Example No. 3. And in this sense, everything is completely clear with the world of so-called “high fashion”, when hundreds of the best designers from all over the world vying with each other (with zeal and even frenzy) every year create thousands of such clothing models that no one will ever wear, which exist only in a single copy and are simply called upon by their existence to show what creative consciousness and skillful hands can reach. Speaking now about these three facts of modern life, I do not at all demand (in the spirit of Nikita Khrushchev, who dispersed an exhibition of abstract artists) to reduce everything and everyone exclusively to applied value. However, as a professionalpsychologist, I clearly see: around a significant part of what belongs to the sphere of spiritual life of humanity, exactly the same situation is emerging that was brilliantly described in Andersen’s children’s fairy tale “The Naked King.” And its essence lies in the fact that a certain group of people (writers, screenwriters, directors, etc.) first create a certain artificial image (little related to real life), then actively promote it to the masses, make it socially prestigious, convince everyone the world that it is “cool” to follow this image turns it into part of mass culture and after some time no one in society can muster the courage to shout: “But the king is naked!!! What everyone worships and admires is made-up nonsense!!! Let’s think about what you and I are trying to build our lives and personal happiness on – on a myth!!!” And if such a daredevil, one day he will suddenly come along and say something like: “The painting “Black Square” by Malevich is a worthless daub. ! or “In the painting “Bathing of a Red Horse” there is nothing fundamentally different from the painting “Bathing of an ordinary bay horse” by some village artist!” There is absolutely no doubt that the majority of citizens (like the king’s courtiers from a fairy tale) will pretend that they do not see or understand this. The public will simply be ashamed that millions of people allowed themselves to be fooled for so many years, that they thoughtlessly tried to copy something that does not exist in practice, that they admired something that actually does not exist... And in the end, many of those deceived will frown and frown. They will begin to fervently defend not the truth at all, but precisely what actually does not exist; they will begin to praise the king’s outfit, which in fact does not exist! Why am I saying all this now? And to the fact that: Intimate relationships have become in our time another victim of creative humanity. From a certain special sphere of human relations, they became the subject of special speculation, became another such far-fetched fetish, which was originally invented for the good purpose of improving the mood of those who wanted intimate intimacy, and as a result of many years of creative thinking and twisting, it became the reason for the deterioration of the intimate life of many our contemporaries of both sexes. Simply put: Modern, varied sex is now that attractive flame, flying towards which millions of men and women scorch their wings every day. And so that you better understand this author’s thesis, I should tell you a few more words, and then everything will definitely fall into place places. I’ll start by stating the initial biological fact that: The presence of sex in life is the surest sign of a person’s success, prosperity, and demand. In this sense of the word, sex is something other than just intimate relationships, sex is not just the possibility of sexual contact. History- when they want and can boast that they always have free time and money for this, free physical strength for this activity and the opportunity to find exactly the kind of partner they want. Simply put: Sex for the sake of pure sex is a type of pleasant pastime primarily for the elite of human society, that special group of people who do not need to work hard from morning to evening, who have a lot of free time, a lot of excess energy (due to doing nothing and good nutrition) and easy can find those who want to engage in intimate games with them, for whom sex with these elite people was either a way to earn a living (wives, hetaeras, slaves, concubines) or a way to establish good personal relationships and using this as a kind of social leverage, then improve your social position (mistresses, favorites,women who want to get married or gigolo men). But those who did not have free time, did not have energy unspent at work and did not have good nutrition, instead of sex as a means of obtaining pleasure, at all times, right up to the beginning of the 20th century there were simply intimate relationships; as a means of reproducing their own kind, giving birth to those children who also had to work, work and work again. Accordingly, sex was initially not just some kind of pleasant activity, but an activity that was primarily socially prestigious, causing universal envy and respect. For most of human history, sex has been a right and opportunity only for the ruling class. And precisely for this reason, those people who did not belong to the elite of society sought to increase their prestige, as if coming from the other side - striving for sex by the shortest route, striving to have sex simply for the sake of sex, thereby achieving respect and envy those who for one reason or another could not afford it. (For example, this is how people belonging to free creative professions have always lived: artists, actors, musicians, dancers, poets, etc.). However, in practice it quickly became clear: even in order to have sex for the sake of sex, without regard to the ruling elite of society, they still required good physical shape, good nutrition, free time, such comfortable living conditions that would make a person attractive to the opposite sex, make other people want to have an intimate relationship with him/her without any or long persuasion, preconditions, money or starting a family. And all this, without relating specifically to the ruling elite of society (as you yourself understand), it was almost impossible to achieve. As a result of the fact that sex as a pleasant pastime for entire millennia was available only to the ruling elite, the prestige of sex inexorably increased, sex was surrounded by more and more a large number of myths and mysteries. In addition, any social struggle with the ruling classes was at the same time a struggle for access to a prestigious, comfortable life for the broad mass of citizens, a struggle for free access to sex, a struggle for free and free sex. Which found its expression in various kinds of religious and communist communes associated with the indispensable socialization of all women and in the sexual freedom that has always accompanied any social revolutions in history. In real human history, the centuries-old struggle of mankind for free sex and its transformation from The occupation of the elite into the occupation of everyone was crowned with some success only in the fifties and seventies of the 20th century, when the so-called sexual revolution took place in Western Europe and the USA. And in this sense, it should be understood: The sexual revolution in well-fed Western Europe and the USA was the result of a significant improvement in the living standards of the population as a whole, the result of the creation of that wealthy middle class, which began to live at the level of the ruling elite of past centuries. That is, technological progress has led to such an improvement in the life of the average person that both men and women finally became the owners of that very free money, that free energy and that free time, which they could happily spend on receiving sensual pleasures. In the second half of the 20th century century, the elite ceased to be the narrowly corporate owner of intimate pleasures, sex became the property of the general population. And it was from that moment that sex essentially became a sport, sex became a prestigious sport such as golf, most men and women began to want not just sex, but beautiful modern sex. As a result, the following happened: sex simply gradually ceased to suit a significant part of those who entered the 21st century at an erotically active age. I emphasize once again: Due to the fact that “just sex” as an opportunity for an ordinary person to receive intimate pleasures at any time has become a truly public activity, its value ismodern society has noticeably decreased. But the desire of men and women not just for sex, but for modern, sophisticated “cool” sex has increased incredibly. If earlier it was simply sex in itself that was prestigious, now it is not just sex that is prestigious, but all the diversity of its varieties, what we now mean by the concept of “modern sex”. And millions of people all over the world now make money not just from sex (this is pointless, it’s just that sex is now publicly available and therefore not interesting!), but from that extremely frank and varied sex, which, again, many cannot afford. So at the end of the 20th century century - the beginning of the 21st century, due to the fact that one of the features of human psychology is a low assessment of what is generally available and a heightened desire for what is elitist, which is small and definitely not enough for everyone, quite a large number of modern men and women have already begun to strive not to sex itself, but to some special sex, sex beyond ordinary heterosexual sexual contact, sex that evokes a sweet feeling of touching something forbidden: oral, anal, group sex, sex in front of other people, sadism, masochism, role-playing sex, etc. and so on. This new aspiration for humanity, as I already said at the beginning of the chapter, was immediately caught by media professionals (writers, journalists, directors, screenwriters, producers, showmen), as well as by all those who are used to making money from these or other human weaknesses and preferences. Thanks to their collective creative efforts, the biological act of simple copulation for the purpose of fertilization has now become an art. As befits the “real” art that I have already ridiculed, it has long ago become detached not only from its roots, but also from the demands, needs and capabilities of people in general. And the whole problem of modern men and women now is that people don’t understand this yet! And people flock to “real cool sex” in much the same way as to an exhibition of contemporary modernist art (to “black square”, “bathing the red horse”, or to an opera in Italian). Nothing is clear, there is absolutely no significance for everyday life, but disputes and discussions are such that people can beat each other to death... So, I formulate a new situation for humanity in the intimate sphere as follows: Speaking about quarrels around sex, you should understand : about half of them are ordinary quarrels over ordinary sex, and about another half are specific quarrels over that fictitious ideal sex, which is actually a myth, that colorful and almost unattainable picture that is painted by modern mass culture pumping out people use money to speculate on something forbidden, supposedly elitist and very piquant. At the same time, ordinary quarrels over ordinary sex are quarrels associated, for example: with differences in the needs of partners in sex; with a discrepancy between sexual temperaments and physical capabilities of partners; with a long-term lack of free time for one of the partners for sex (mismatch of life schedules); – with the usual sexual cooling, which traditionally occurs in couples after long-term communication or living together; – with the reflection in the intimate sphere of those conflicts and contradictions that are not at all related to sex (for example, quarrels due to lack of family money or conflicts at work always suppress sexual desire). Etc. etc. But specific quarrels over fictitious ideal sex are quarrels related, for example: to the fact that most modern men and women do not have the opportunity to spend evenings in shaping and gyms and, accordingly, cannot boast with their super slim and sexy figures. And this regularly quarrels among those men and women who begin to reproach each other with hanging bellies and cellulite thighs and buttocks. And it is precisely the presence of these circumstancesexplain the lack of sexual attraction to a partner; - with the fact that many ladies do not have the financial opportunity to visit solariums, beauty salons every week and get fashionable haircuts, depilation, manicures, pedicures, etc. etc.; – with the fact that many ladies do not have free money for beautiful and provocative underwear; – with the fact that ladies who are tired after work refuse to have oral sex with their friend (husband) while they are driving home together in the evening by car; – with the fact that some women fundamentally refuse to understand why it is necessary to engage in intimate contact in the oral, anal or manual way, if you can get pleasure in the usual way; – with the presence of a woman’s critical days and her refusal of other types of sex ;– with the fact that many men and women do not understand what their partners find so attractive in group sex or video erotica;– with the fact that many men demand from their girlfriends (wives) that absolutely every sexual act take place like some kind of super erotic show: with striptease, demonstration of female passion, masturbation in the presence of a partner, use of vibrators, role-playing “bad girl and bad boy”, etc. etc. – with some men making sarcastic jokes about the fact that their lady does not shave her armpits, legs and private parts every day. Etc. etc. Now the question is legitimate: To what extent can quarrels around sex of the second type (that is, specific quarrels over fictitious ideal sex) be classified as quarrels specifically because of sex, and not, say, quarrels because of the difference between partners in understanding those stereotypes of ideal intimate behavior that are now being imposed by Hollywood and show business? And personally, from my point of view, quarrels over what is now considered real modern sex are, in fact, rather quarrels due to the fact that some men and women unconditionally (or with small reservations) still accept those stereotypes of sexual behavior that is imposed on them (which makes money from them) by mass culture and is now prestigious and elitist, but others sell them, and try to be guided in their approaches to sex by much greater realism, everyday approaches from the last century. I emphasize: No less half of the quarrels that we now consider quarrels over sex are in fact quarrels that are not sexual, but essentially ideological, quarrels around the understanding of sex. That is why I called one of my books not “Quarrels about sex”, and “Quarrels over sex.” That is, this book tries to analyze not just that part of human psychology that is associated with the sphere of sex, but also that modern psychology that can be called the psychology of socially prestigious behavior. That is, that psychology when it is not sex itself that is important to a man or a woman. sex itself, and above all as an opportunity to join in with everything that looks so sweet not on television and where, without Martinis, black lace lingerie, oral, anal and group sex, not a single decent “fashionable” party is now depicted. And as you yourself understand, within the framework of precisely this psychology, conflicts around sex acquire a very special specificity; they are conflicts over the understanding of life, because of whether or not it is necessary to imitate what is staged by those directors and producers who, in their own life, most likely, do not follow their own creative and erotic scenarios at all! Having said this, I will emphasize my conclusion once again: That very modern sex, about which they talk and write so much, and from the absence of which they suffer so much and so often quarrel with their loved ones or spouses, in fact, has long become virtual, has again become elitist and terribly distant from the general population. To be completely honest, you should understand: that same super varied, sensual, passionate and frequent modern sex, which sooner or later most people begin to misslovers or spouses, alas, is not given to them initially and in real everyday practice is almost unattainable! Modern “real sex”, with all its vaginal, oral and anal forms and the variety of positions and techniques, has, over the past decades, essentially turned into a kind of elite professional sports. Just like for professional sports, for modern sex it is fundamentally necessary: ​​– a significant amount of free time for “training” and “competitions” (meetings not on the tatami, but on the sofa); – decent money for “sports uniform” in the form beautiful underwear, cosmetics, hairstyles, nail polishes, expensive interiors, etc.; – excellent physical shape (for visual attractiveness and endurance in bed); – ​​serious strong-willed qualities (to satisfy a partner, sometimes you have to do what you yourself( oh) oh, how I don’t like it and don’t want it!); – a certain age limit (as in real sports, in sex everything works out well until the age of 25-30 for “girls” and until the age of 35-45 for “boys”). And If you still don't believe what I'm saying now, think about this: Most modern people played sports in their youth. Surely you too. So, try to remember yourself. At the age of 10-14 years, everything is great in sports. At the age of 14-16, sporting achievements are already much more difficult and everyone is sure that they need to be champions. But already at the age of 16-20, the majority of those involved have to make a difficult internal choice: - either you need to go into professional sports and play sports, only sports and again sports, and at the same time devote significantly less time to study and work; - or realize and come to terms with the fact that it’s time to stop there and start studying and working, from now on only occasionally visiting the gym and working out only “for yourself.” So in modern sex, glorified in many Hollywood erotic thrillers and TV series, everything is absolutely the same. By the age of twenty, most people wanted ALL THIS and could very well do it. However, once they reach the age of twenty, twenty-five, or thirty, most men and women independently come to a clear understanding: The process of maintaining oneself at a high level of sexual achievement sooner or later begins to negatively affect all other areas of life. Unfortunately, we cannot exercise equally well to everyone in the world. In addition to sex, each of us has other life values ​​and goals: career, business, children, science, politics, creativity, production, etc. In the personal and sexual biography of every man and every woman, some moment inevitably comes and a person chooses for himself what is a priority for him. And everything else, although it still remains important, nevertheless fades into the background. And as you yourself understand, in the course of such a choice, most people do not choose sex at all (they want to eat)! And this is where psychological and intimate problems begin! The thing is that, unlike sports, this particular choice “youthful sex or adult life from morning to evening” is not deeply conscious for most of us. Considering themselves super-sexy at the age of 16-25, when love and sexual relationships are almost the leading type of activity (pushing study, business and career into the background), many men and women continue to think about themselves this way both at 25 and 30 and 40 and even 50 years old! They do not notice that sex now takes them many times less time and vital energy than it did before, but at the same time they still consider themselves very sexy and demand the same sexuality from others, blaming them for the problems that are their own. Instead of being adequate and honestly admitting that a couple’s sexual cooling is caused by an objective decrease in the time that partners spend on themselves and on sex, people who are passionate about study, business and careers begin to mistakenly explain the drop in their own sexual turnover by a decreasesexuality of a loved one. Who, meanwhile, either devotes sex to exactly the same extent as his (her) partner (spouse). As a result, such a sexual conflict of love arises as a conflict of one’s own ideas about one’s sexuality with real intimate practice, as well as with that virtual social prestigious reality, which is actively promoted by television. Falling under the daily brainwashing of such television programs, where the appearance is artificially created that people can be passionate lovers at absolutely any age, at any time of the day or night, in any place and with any busyness of affairs, many men and women begin to naively accept the idea that all their sexual problems are not actually connected with them at all, but solely with their partners, “so lazy, not sexy and not modern due to the fact that ours.” the psychological structure is such that every person usually remembers himself as he was before, really wants to remain sexy always and everywhere, and simply does not understand that in fact he has already made his life choice and for some time now quietly left the “big sex”, most people (from 25-30 years old, or even earlier!) begin to think something like this: “People in the movies, look how they seduce each other! But my beloved person has gone completely sour, and he/she no longer needs sexual variety, extreme intimacy has not been observed at all for a good six months... No, we don’t need that kind of football! I want normal modern sex like before! Like in the movies!!! “And in this situation it turns out that it no longer matters that in this couple, in fact, there may never have been modern cool sex at all! The main thing is that the other partner always remains the extreme one in this conflict! That very different partner who, upon closer examination, can think in a completely similar way. So in the end it turns out: two loving, but sexually unsatisfied people want to imitate the heroes of modern sex action films, look at each other resentfully and everyone waits: who will be the first to be able to revive their former youthful sexuality... Due to the increased demands on modern sex, as well as the high level of sexual processing of the population by various books, videos and Internet products, people really want modern mythical cool sex, but do not understand that to achieve it they need to make significant efforts and spend a lot of money. And in the end, the ones who are to blame for the fact that a man or woman doesn’t get exactly the kind of sex they show on TV are usually the partners in love and family relationships, those who actually have nothing to do with it... Without trying to imitate world boxing champions all my life, wrestling, running, swimming, skating or skiing (etc.), without considering it necessary to maintain themselves at the level of their own sports achievements made once at the age of 14-18 years, a huge number of people sincerely suffer from the fact that they cannot maintain their high sexual abilities at the same age when they are already over thirty or forty years old. They do not understand that the situation in this matter is as follows: In order to maintain high sexual potential for a long time, you should devote exactly the same amount of time to this as you did before, that is, when the intimate sphere was especially attractive. Plus, regularly train, train and train again! Which in real life, as you yourself understand, not everyone succeeds in! In general, you understand: Modern “real” sex is: – Firstly, to a large extent, television and literary fiction, a beautiful virtual myth with tempting bodies of ready-made beauties and always capable men ten times in a row. Moreover, both the first and second actually carry out everything only after several takes and computer editing. (But many men and women want to repeat this almost the first time! And when they don’t succeed, they immediately fall into depression.) Secondly, modern sex is essentially deeplya professional activity, essentially a type of professional elite sport. (Sex became a sport from the moment of mass production and the same mass use of condoms as a means of salvation from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. It was the possibility of regular “training” without problems and consequences at any time of the day or night with any partner that sharply brought modern sex out of those frameworks , which were exclusively natural and, accordingly, were regulated by a special program known to humanity under the name of love). – Thirdly, real modern sex is sex, no more than a modern mobile phone resembles an ordinary iron mouthpiece of the nineteenth century. Modern sex is a socially prestigious fetish and a bright, tempting toy for those men and women who have free time, free money and the appropriate mood. But for everyone else, so-called television-modern sex is not a source of joy and pleasure, but of troubles and conflicts. And personally, as a professional psychologist, I say this quite definitely. Modern sex is a special phenomenon of modern social life in Western countries, which is practically no longer connected with sexual relations between men and women for the sake of obtaining intimate pleasure and the birth of children! And this phenomenon is more connected with the so-called prestigious economics, the desire of people to behave in life in such a way that it arouses envy in everyone, increases self-esteem, flatters pride and... that is why, first of all, it brings moral joy, and only then sexual joy! And therefore I want to emphasize once again: It is necessary to understand that our desire to achieve what we define as “modern, varied sex” is in fact connected with real sex no more than the eruption of an underwater volcano somewhere in Tahiti. Well, here we are closed the chain of authorial and psychological reflections on modern sex that I had conceived. Now you know that modern sex is not a product of nature at all, and certainly not of love. This (like many other things in the history of mankind) is only the result of the manifestation of the creative human mind and the desire of a narrow group of people to earn decent money by exploiting the natural interest of all people in the intimate sphere. Love, love and family relationships, being natural in their essence, have the most minimal relation to this type of activity. Success in sex and success in adult work and family life are combined very, very rarely in practice. And all this is simply because it is - types of human activity that are completely different in their essence and nature! Love, although it is the best sexual stimulant in the world, can provide sex only at a primitive natural level. And this is normal: after all, love itself as a biological behavioral program appeared many millions of years earlier than creative people created modern “cool” television sex. And it simply physically cannot provide the opportunity to obtain that sexual pleasure that we look up to when watching TV and which, as such, is absent in nature. From Mother Nature's point of view, television is a very strange animal. It is pointless to imitate his sexual behavior simply because it has only the most distant relation to the process of reproduction. And if you want to understand the phenomenon of modern “cool” sex, you must keep all this in mind. Conclusions of the chapter So, as a professional psychologist, I am deeply convinced: What we now call “modern sex” is no longer a sphere of intimacy, but speculation on the topic of intimacy! Various modern sex is that myth, that virtual reality that was invented by professional manipulators of public consciousness in the era of television. And the whole problem here is that a fictitious, technically very complex and very expensive type of activity like modern sex, in our days: has becomeperceived by most men and women as reality; - turned out to be socially prestigious, began to evoke a sincere desire to copy it, men and women wanted to have in their bed exactly the kind of sex that is shown on video; - began to cause quarrels between those partners who want to imitate it and those who are not going to do this. And all this taken together immediately led to the fact that the desire to take part in modern cool sex and have just such a partner who could express their intimate creativity at a high modern level came into global conflict with the fact that the majority of modern men and women , due to the lack of a large amount of free time and free money, for these completely objective reasons, they cannot become one. And it is precisely this circumstance - when men and women now demand from each other in sex what they themselves are often unable to do, and is the main reason for so many of those current quarrels around sex, which in fact are now not at all connected with the actual sex, but with its modern interpretation by partners. However, speaking about this, there is no point in complaining: The genie of modern diverse sex has already been released from the bottle and is not going to get back into it at all! He is not going to do this, if only simply because the specificity of human society and the mind is the fact that much of what we have imagined either acquires the ability to be embodied in real life, or in the course of this desire to be embodied in it causes such conflicts that it becomes reality without even having time, in fact, to become it. Just as communism, once invented in the Middle Ages by utopian theorists, in the process of its practical implementation in various countries, led to millions of victims in the 20th century, so modern sex, invented back in the days of the Kama Sutra and embodied in modern television, now leads to this and countless quarrels between men and women. And as a professional in my field, I really want you to clearly understand this. Based on this, I authoritatively declare: Since creative humanity has managed to invent modern high-tech sex, it means that in fact it can still be embodied in real love or family practice. However, those men and women who want to have in their lives exactly the kind of modern, varied sex that they see on TV every day must clearly understand: In order to support themselves and your partner at a very high intimate level, it is necessary that sex, psychologically speaking, becomes the dominant of consciousness, the main direction of thinking and the leading type of activity of yours (and your partner). Well, or at least one of the main and leading ones... Simply put, in order to be as sexy as movie characters and yourself at the age of 16-20, you need to consciously make significant efforts to this all the time, free up a fairly large amount of time for this, everything time to keep yourself in good physical shape, constantly overcome your own complexes, banal laziness and the completely normal selfish desire to shift the main responsibilities of providing you with first-class sex primarily to your partner. And there is no other way, as my many years of professional observations show – alas, no way! However, enough on this topic. Let's move from the plane of theory to the plane of practice (in general, it is better to have sex while on some plane) and I will give you my practical recommendations. Practical recommendations First. Never relax!!! As mentioned above, you need to clearly understand: ordinary intimate relationships and modern sex are fundamentally different things. No matter how the Hollywood television industry fools us all, adapting quality sex to love and family is as difficult as installing a nuclear reactor on a sailing caravel from the time of Columbus.Most of those movie actors that we associate with modern sex break up with their loved ones and spouses simply because they cannot live up to the sexual expectations placed on them! Therefore, when having sex with your loved one, be prepared for the fact that sooner or later these intimate relationships will definitely no longer suit you. And the question of who exactly will cease to be satisfied with this first - you or your partner - is already secondary: the most important thing is that sooner or later, for one of your couple, the existing level of intimate relationships will seem clearly not enough! And if so, then I will say you the following: “Dear ladies! No matter how much it may seem to you that everything is fine, and in the sphere of intimacy you and your friend (husband) are doing more than well, I strongly urge you: Do not relax under any circumstances and do not remain in blind and naive confidence, as if you have everything under control in sex! Always remember that for an adult and more or less successful man, sex in our time is not a problem. They have wives, there are many women around who, experiencing a certain lack of male sexual attention, are “easy prey” for men. There are legendary secretaries, “colleagues at work” and former “girlfriends of my harsh days.” After all, the services of prostitutes are now more than financially accessible (and there is also masturbation!). And because as a psychologist who has been specializing specifically in love, intimate and family conflicts for many years, I unequivocally state: In our modern times, for an adult successful man in sex, more often than not, it’s not enough... sex itself. He needs great sex at that high modern level, the idea of ​​which Hollywood is now shaping! And it is for this reason that modern sex now places very high demands on partners! In the sphere of modern sex, there are now no half-tones: either high-quality and interesting sex, or sexual conflicts! And the choice of one option or another depends solely on the temperament and sanity of the lovers. All other options are fraught with quarrels and intimate cooling. Keep this in mind and do not try to live by illusions. For it is sexual illusions that are the main enemy of good sex. Those ladies who self-confidently begin to believe that “my loved one is completely happy in bed,” sooner or later inevitably become victims of cheating. Know this, be afraid of this! Be afraid not so much of your loved one’s betrayal as of your self-confidence, that he feels very good with you! Second. Decide in principle what sex is for you! In order not to become a victim of quarrels around sex and more or less meet the high demands that are placed on the intimate sphere in our society, I strongly advise you to clearly understand: What is sex for you? ? What is its place in your life? What is this, in your opinion: – simply an indispensable condition for the birth of offspring (But all other types and types of sex are outright abomination and anomaly!); – a necessary tribute to these always sexually preoccupied men, so as not to lose love relationships with them and have a chance to get married; - an area that, although sometimes brings a certain pleasure, but at the same time entails so many different difficulties that sometimes it’s downright annoying (you have to spend time and money on fashionable clothes, hairdressers, solariums, swimming pool, shaping, expensive underwear, some kind of stockings, intimate haircuts and so on, so on, so on, without which it would be much easier for ladies to live...);- so, a pleasant addition after five glasses of cognac, good cigarettes and a cup of aromatic coffee...;- just an option for spending free time; - some very convenient means for solving women’s financial, career and all other life problems; - the opportunity to receive great moral satisfaction by mocking and fooling around with those men in love who want something from you; - another opportunity enjoy life, bring intimate joy to your loved oneperson and strengthen relationships with him; - something else in your own understanding and execution. Accordingly, the closeness of your perception of sex to some of the definitions I have given will already give you the opportunity to at least determine whether there is a high probability that you will still be able to successfully integrate into the world of the modern sex or are you already doomed to problems in intimate relationships with your friend (husband)? And I suggest you determine which answer to this key question you are closest to. I have absolutely no doubt about your mental abilities... Third. Go crazy for sex! I remind you of the essence of what we talked about in the chapter: Maintaining sexual relationships at the high level to which modern society has come is possible only with constant, persistent and extremely conscious work in the field of eroticism. Simply put, for you to have excellent sexual relationships, you it is necessary not only to want this, but also to think every day about how to achieve all this! Accordingly, I authoritatively declare to you: If a lady remembers sex only when a specific situation arises for this, she is doomed to quarrels over sex, even if she has a magnificent appearance, is in her prime and is wealthy! Therefore, I will not lie and say reassuringly that absolutely everyone can be sexually successful people. Unfortunately, it is not! In fact, sex is not a means of equalizing people at all. On the contrary, sex very strictly divides people into several categories at once. And therefore, communication between people from different groups actually leads to quarrels around sex. And personally, I identify at least five such groups. Five types of sexuality: Type No. 1. Fans of sex. These are those for whom good sex is a fundamentally important area of ​​life and these people are ready to make every effort to remain sexually attractive to their partner (including when they have no money, no time and there are all sorts of other difficulties ) for as long as possible. These are real professionals of Big Sex. They always think about sex, and their loved ones always think about how to quickly fall into their passionate embrace. And in life, as a rule, everything is fine with them. Type No. 2. Fans of sex whenever possible. These are those for whom sex is very important, but eternal life problems seriously prevent them from concentrating on maintaining themselves in proper erotic and physical shape. These people are really sexy, but this manifests itself very unevenly, in some jerks, or rather in fits and starts. There’s great sex here, but here there’s just no energy or time for sex for a whole month. But, I really want... Their partners sometimes feel very good, but between these happy moments there are often very long pauses. And then grievances arise. Type No. 3. Sex theorists. These are those for whom sex is important only in theory. These people think a lot about him, often talk about him, and worry that something is wrong with them. However, in practice, they so entangle themselves with various kinds of conventions, complexes and outright fear of trying “something wrong and with the wrong person with whom it would be worth it,” that their sexual partners either become frankly bored, or they understand that they have dealing with such a problematic person who himself does not know what he needs and is quietly putting the brakes on the relationship... Type No. 4. Those for whom sex is only an occasional need. These are those people for whom sex is only an occasional additional problem, something like the periodic purchase of torn tights. For such people, sex is simply a natural given. Like, Mother Nature came up with the idea of ​​having sex periodically, what can you do, sometimes you want it and therefore you still have to! As a result, while such people are engaged in ordinary current affairs, their thoughts about sex are extremely rare, sexual desire accumulates for quite a long time and most often manifests itself after drinking alcohol, as they say in the specially designatedtime for intimacy. There follows a fleeting sexual contact and all passion disappears. And in the morning they may even feel awkward about their behavior yesterday, and in a sober state, sex is generally impossible for them. At the same time, many of these people are very aware that, according to the scale existing in society, they are not sexy. Therefore, understanding that for a successful relationship with a partner or spouse you still need to at least periodically play the role of a sexually active person, people of this type can at times demonstrate quite passionate behavior. However, they still cannot play this role for a long period. And therefore their whole life consists of a constant series of periods: first there is a sexual lull, then, having come to their senses, the person suddenly becomes very sexy. Accordingly, their partners can be very, very dissatisfied with the constant change of these intimate regimes. And some of them ultimately can’t stand it. Type No. 5. Those for whom the desire for sex is a unique phenomenon. These are people whose sexual desires are only in their infancy. These people have sex only because it’s necessary, it’s supposed to be, it’s what their partner wants. As they say, “boring, but necessary.” A visual anecdote about such people: One such person asks another: “Listen, what do you like more: sex or the New Year holiday?” And he cheerfully answers: “Of course, the New Year holiday! It happens more often!!!” As you understand, you usually don’t have to demand anything special sexually from this category of men and women... Now, just for fun, test yourself. Who are you really? Just be honest! If you are in the top three, that's great! If there are two closing ones, this is sad. However, don't be upset. There is actually no insurmountable barrier between all these categories. People can change over the years. Their lives improve and both time and money are freed up for sex. They may come across such passionate and skillful partners that they will still be able to instill in them an interest in sex and force them to strive for orgasm every day (and more than once!). In the end, having gone through a series of painful breakups with partners precisely because of their non-sexuality, many men and women, embittered with themselves, become more or less interesting in bed at least at the age of 30-40, when life is in no way It’s not over yet! Completely different things happen in life. However, I will not lie to my readers: in normal conditions, people only have the chance to become truly ideal sexual partners in the first two categories. The first ones are doing well in themselves, the second ones just need to better organize their own lives and achieve such a high social position so as not to think about what will happen tomorrow and, accordingly, start devoting a little more time to sex. But as for those who fall into the third, fourth and fifth groups, we can only advise them one thing: If you want to be at the level of modern intimate relationships - go crazy about sex, think about it! If you do not have an innate frantic temperament, compensate for this with your mind and desire, make sex, if not your leading type of activity, then at least quite important! Know that the peak of modern varied, frequent and emotional sex is conquered only when both partners begin to think about their sex life every day. Real sexual harmony can only exist in two cases: when people want sex every day, and when they have absolutely nothing no need! In all other cases and combinations, conflicts over sex will be guaranteed to you! After a year or two or three years of living together, both partners will experience a gradual slide downward, a paradoxical external fading of mutual interest in each other while simultaneously having an internal desire to continue an energetic sexual relationship. And this will inevitably end in sexual cooling and betrayal...Remember: This is completelyAn unnatural and completely unnatural thing like modern, varied sex can now be provided only by your intelligence and patience, your sincere desire for sex and the desire to make your loved one sexually happy. That's it and no other way. It's tough, but fair. We all really want to feel our sexual attractiveness, to know that they want us and dream about us. This can be achieved only in one way: you need to treat sex, albeit difficult, but at the same time such an interesting professional sport! You need to become his fan. You need not only to go crazy about it yourself, but also to drag your loved one into this abyss of pleasant erotic madness. Only then will diverse modern sex become your friend! Yours personally and your family as a whole! Fourth. Train constantly! Let me remind you: in fact, modern sex is a sport. I emphasize: not amateur physical education, but real professional sports. It has demonstration and qualifying performances, there is a compulsory and free program, there are competitions on one’s own field, and there are away matches (on the bed of the “opposing” side). Here, as in big sports, you can never rest on your laurels. In modern sex, as in sports, standing still means falling behind, losing and losing fans and supporters! If you do not improve your sexual technique, If you don’t do general physical training and don’t increase your endurance, in a couple of years someone will definitely beat you on points. The prize bed, and possibly your loved one, will go to someone else... The solution is simple: training, training and more training! Have sex as often as possible. If you do not want to become a victim of sexual conflicts of love, do not expect that someone should create ideal conditions for your intimacy. Keep in mind: Well-furnished apartments, fenced cottages and comfortable cars usually appear just when you or your partner already need sex no more than once a week. Therefore, I strongly advise you: do not wait for this sad period to arrive! Look around: absolutely everything that your gaze falls on is suitable for sex. So get training! Throw away stupid complexes and prejudices! Know: as soon as you refused something, as soon as you said that today you don’t want some kind of sex, you immediately sexually pushed your partner away from you. Of course, a well-mannered person will not say anything to you out loud, but he will definitely think to himself: “It turns out that he is not that sexy.” And about these fairy tales, that today is not a very good day, there is no mood and the head is occupied with other things, we ourselves know from the fifth grade... There is no point in taking me for a fool (stupid)! After some time, the love veil will fall from your partner’s eyes and your partner will see that in fact the king is naked! Moreover, the problem is not at all that he is a goal. This is just good. The whole point is that he doesn’t know how to do anything in the sphere of intimacy, and he doesn’t want to learn anything anymore... Sex is a collective sport, based on the collective will and mind. Therefore, leaving the game when there are only two players in your love-family team is fundamentally unacceptable! Left to his own devices, your partner, if hormones are still playing in his (her) body, will be forced to find another “legionary” who is much more energetic and sexually productive than you. And then the husband will definitely turn into a “deputy lover for economic matters,” and the wife into a “second mother.” Think about it. Then change into something more erotic (or better yet, completely undress) and immediately start training! Fifth. Avoid long sexual pauses, or at least make them clear to your partner! The sex life of most love couples consists of alternating periods of activity and passivity. Surely, you experience approximately the same thing. At the same time, the duration of sexual pauses in differentcouples can be quite different: from three days to a whole month. On average, sexual pauses in most couples range from three to ten days, with an average duration of up to a week. Accordingly, it is simply pointless to be afraid of something that is completely natural and can be associated with employment, illness, sessions, annual reports, business trips (etc.). However, speaking about this now, I draw your attention to this: Quarrels around sex most often arise not from sexual pauses themselves, but rather from their incorrect or overly correct interpretation by partners! Knowing that prolonged sexual pauses can be a consequence of another person’s desire to arrange “sex strike” and punish you for some misdeeds with sexual starvation, the vast majority of men and women, after their occurrence, may begin to treat each other with suspicion. And in the end, this is how alienation is born: first personal, then sexual, then complex, final and fatal... Conflicts of this kind are usually standard. Their scheme is as follows: One partner, experiencing sexual desire and not meeting understanding in this matter from the second partner (spouse), “just in case”, begins to suspect him (her) of denying him sex on purpose. A person who is offended or has misinterpreted someone else’s behavior responds by demonstratively freezing his own sexual activity. This is how the natural sexual pause (which was simply not explained in time) begins to be reproduced and thus turns into an artificial, conflictual pause. The partner, because of the sexual pause in whose behavior it all started, after some time suddenly feels that something wrong is happening. But since he (s) does not feel any guilt, he (s) is also sexually offended on the “just in case” principle. Or: “Am I a redhead! He (she) is allowed, but you see, I’m not?!” Partners outwardly pretend that everything is fine, but at the same time they think to themselves something like this: “Suddenly, this is the same case of “sex education” by starving me with sexual hunger ? And here I will humiliate myself and beg for sex first... No, that won’t work! I'd rather wait. Let him/her take steps towards him/herself... In the end, a partner is not made of iron! He (s) will definitely want me and will begin to make peace himself...” As a result, grievances accumulate like a snowball and after a couple of weeks they completely paralyze your sex life! And this is exactly the scenario for the development of the situation that is observed in a huge number of love and married couples! And there are two ways out of this deadlock: firstly, if natural sexual pauses occur, you should definitely explain to your partner that they are not at all connected with your desire to punish him deprivation of intimacy, but with the presence of some of life’s difficulties that will be overcome in the very near future; secondly, not to allow long sexual pauses even with the most difficult life schedule! And personally, I insist on option No. 2, on the fact that It is still necessary to have sex at any time of the day or night, with any employment, in any state of health and in any mood! Five minutes of sex a day is enough for the partners to be completely happy, almost never quarrel and completely prevent thoughts of cheating! Understand and accept this simple but extremely important truth. Well, if for some reason you nevertheless allowed such an unpleasant pause to occur, do not show stupid and dangerous pride, do not consider yourself less guilty for the sexual spat that occurred, which is associated with the partners’ misunderstanding of the peculiarities of each other’s sexual behavior Both sides are always to blame for the emergence of sexual pauses and conflicts: one side committed stupidity and almost criminal negligence, the other supported it. Therefore, as soon as you feel the strange coldness of your partner, do not hesitate for a minute: apologize for what happened and attack him (her) with all your passion and ardor. ANDthen modern sex will become even closer to you! Sixth. Watch your appearance and figure. Having fundamentally decided for yourself that you will be a very sexy couple (family), do not waste time taking care of your appearance and figure! Don't overeat at night and don't get fat! If you are very plump, do not have any illusions that you are just a “chubby”: men call it a “fat cow”! Know that these days being overweight is considered anti-sexy. Thick, flabby arms or bulging folds on the stomach can only reduce sexual desire. At the same time, you are not at all required to be a Barbie doll, but you should still remember: In the 21st century, slim and athletic people will be considered the most sexually attractive. Girls and women should especially remember this statement. You should not rely on the humorous saying that men are not dogs and do not throw bones. In fact, this does not mean at all that men like fat (that is, fat) and downright fat. When, in response to your weight gain, a man laughs that “there should be a lot of good people,” be self-critical and understand it this way: – this man does not want to upset and offend the one he loves; – the man is afraid that by giving away his sympathy to thin and slender, he will force the girl (wife) to reconsider her views on his relationship with some charming colleague (classmate, etc.). This is especially dangerous if such a relationship actually takes place; a man is financially dependent on an overweight woman. In real life, not everyone decides to saw down the very branch on which you are sitting; a man is at the very bottom of the social and property ladder. He simply has no choice: whoever he comes across, he communicates with... Perhaps all this is somewhat sad, but at least true. From the point of view of a professional, it is much better to know the offensive truth and put yourself in order in time, than to live without thinking about anything, while people laugh behind your back and point fingers... Seventh. Be extremely frank with each other. Speaking in this chapter not just about sex, but about modern sex, I especially draw your attention to the fact that it is fundamentally important for partners to adequately imagine the sexual specifics of their loved one, to take into account other people's sexual expectations placed on them. And since all this can only be learned in the process of communication, in the process of conversation, you need to keep in mind: for most men and women, talking about their sexual preferences with a loved one is very, very difficult! One careless word and you are already close to a quarrel. Therefore, I advise: as soon as you have started your sexual life together, immediately agree with your beloved man that once a month (every three months, every six months, etc.), on specially designated days, you can talk openly with him about sex. This technique will help to avoid at least the primary problem: the danger that one of the partners will not be ready to have such a difficult conversation. (Which is why lovers always quarrel. One presses on the other, but the partner still has nothing to say...). In addition, the very thought of an upcoming conversation about sex will allow you to maintain a kind of psychological tension all the time. And this will be very useful for you, because: The more often you begin to remember sex and think about it more, the sexier you will ultimately behave in real life. The more flexible your consciousness will be, the easier it will be for you to accept the need for various sexual experiments and innovations! As for the actual content of this conversation, I recommend asking each other the following three “main sexual questions”, directly related to the fact that modern sex is a product of constant work on oneself, the result of the concentration of willpower and financial resources of two partners :What is the most powerful sexual experience you and your partner have had in the past? (This will allow you to repeat the sexualfeats).What didn’t you and your partner like about having sex together during this time? (This should be the subject of detailed analysis and debriefing). What erotic desires do both partners have? (Maybe you or your loved one want to repeat some erotic scene from a movie you watched, try out advice from a magazine, or simply make love in a new place). During the conversation, remember: you must be as frank as possible with your loved one! At the same time, I strongly recommend that you immediately assume that your partner will not be completely frank with you! And this is not at all because your friend (husband) is being cunning. It’s just that, with a working love program, your partner may be afraid of offending you, consider that some of his sexual wishes are not yet entirely appropriate, or simply be afraid of seeming too depraved and pushing you away. Take these circumstances into account. Try to approach each question from different angles. Don't be shy about anything! Otherwise, this conversation will simply become meaningless; it will not bring you closer, but will only distance you from each other! Eighth. Fight to increase your sexuality! Of course, among girls and women there are many who were lucky enough to have innate sexuality and grow up in families where the sphere of sex was not crushed by the heavy pressure of their grandmother’s conservatism. They look attractive, easily accept the rules of modern sex, readily undertake various intimate experiments and delight, delight, and once again please themselves and their loved ones. However, the percentage of ladies with just such opportunities and abilities is actually not very large and, according to my observations, amounts to no more than 15-25 percent of all girls and women. Other, less fortunate ladies in this regard, of course, can envy them (who white, and some completely unacceptable black envy), however, practice shows: envy in this case is completely meaningless. If this or that lady feels that she is inferior to someone in appearance or in the sphere of practical modern intimacy, it would be much more correct for her not to envy her more successful friend, and certainly not to copy her lifestyle. It is wrong to copy this: what suits one person most likely will not suit another; in the end, she still won’t accept it, but a sediment, as they say, will remain in her soul... It’s more correct to simply try to start thinking every day about the sphere of intimacy, about the growth of your sexual attractiveness. In the struggle to increase women’s sexuality, it is much more correct not to give up, not envy and not copy other people's success, but... engage in increasing your own sexuality. What do I mean? And the fact is that, feeling her obvious inconsistency with the standard of male sexual maximum, which we already talked about in the previous chapter “Quarrels over sex,” absolutely any lady can easily begin to better meet men’s ideas about female sexual attractiveness through fairly simple actions. So, for example, a lady can do the following: – grow long hair, dye it in some clearly defined color (it’s best to highlight it, become a blonde, a burning brunette or a redhead) and get a clearly defined haircut (while maintaining long hair). And this will immediately make it more interesting for men, because men, according to surveys, most like the clearly defined color of a woman’s hair, a clearly defined haircut and precisely long hair; - get rid of glasses with frames that have sharp corners (wear either contact lenses, or glasses with frames with smooth curved lines). Men like smooth lines in a woman’s features...; – start dressing not gray and not very bright, but, for example, classically: black bottom, white top, or clothes of a single color with a bright belt and bag. Men still like ladies dressed in something contrasting...; - wearing either provocative trousers on the hips, or, conversely, medium-length skirts (not short!!!), withtights with some kind of pattern on them (or bright plain ones, such as white or red); - buy yourself a good set of attractive and exciting-looking underwear and wear it so that some of its elements peek provocatively and temptingly from under your clothes ..;– switch to wearing dress shoes only with medium and high heels. And in no case with solid soles: men can’t stomach them at all! .etc.), in order to change your social circle, make new friends and thanks to them get into a different environment to meet new men. Believe the practice: by doing all this, you will radically change your life within two three months, maximum six months! Accordingly, you will become more relaxed and sexy (And, at absolutely any age!) And if you think that six months is too long, you can use an even more radical method, which consists of only three points: – the lady always wears only high-heeled shoes (7-11 cm); – the lady wears long (not short!!!) black and gray skirts with a high slit to the middle of the thigh, so that it can be seen that the lady is wearing stockings (to match the color of the skirt );- a lady completely shaves her private part, legs and armpits every two or three days. And in this case, it is not the stockings or the smoothness of the private part that is important! The important thing is that by teasing and provoking the men around her to a certain sexual activity and regularly paying increased attention to her intimate parts of the body (and not from time to time, as is the case with the majority), the lady, willy-nilly, begins to think about what, in fact, why (or rather, for whom!) she does all this, she will begin to better realize that she is not just some abstract member of society, an executive worker, a good housewife and a person of the kindest soul, but a Woman! And when a woman (at any age!) finally realizes herself as a Woman, you can rest assured: she herself will find the opportunity to blossom sexually, she will definitely awaken an interest in the sphere of intimacy and she will gradually bring herself into full compliance with the norms of that very masculine sexual maximum, which, thanks to the light hand of Hollywood, now dominates the male public consciousness. And if we are talking about you now, I advise you to seriously think: maybe you should try all this too? And then modern sex will become more accessible to you... Finishing this rather large chapter, I want to tell you again: Yes, modern sex is something fictitious, something artificially invented. However, in any case: – Firstly, this has already become a fact of social life and will definitely not go away tomorrow! Rather, one can even predict that each new decade will lead to a greater and greater strengthening of the cult of sex. - Secondly, modern sex is interesting and exciting; - Thirdly, to correspond to the high level of modern sex, despite all the difficulties of this process , in fact, it is possible! And if so, then I suggest you still be sexual optimists and read this book to the end. And now a remark. Remark The essence of this remark is simple: based on the fact that all sexually active people living now can be divided into those who want to be very sexy everywhere and always, and those for whom sex is only a fifth or tenth thing, one bright sexual evening a month, and then again into the hardships of life, I strongly advise you: - firstly, finally decide which category you consider yourself to be (only honestly and without inflated self-esteem!); - and secondly, having decided on yourself, look for your partner to be just such a person who matches your sexual characteristics. Know and remember: Hopes that you will be able to “stir up” someone and make them sexier than they really are are absolutely groundless to the same extent as your hopes to cool someone's madness):+7-902-990-5168, +7-913-520 -001, +7-926-633-5200.