When it comes to marital relationships, the most often heard recommendation is that in difficult, conflictual and incomprehensible situations you need to sit down and come to an agreement. It’s easy to write, but much more difficult to do. But it's definitely possible. Let's look at this process step by step. 1. Follow the golden rule of Russian folk tales! Do you remember what Ivan Tsarevich says to Baba Yaga? “First give me something to drink, feed me, take a bath in the bathhouse, and then ask me!” And this rule applies equally to you and your husband. Don’t start a conversation from the doorway when he just came home from work hungry and tired - it won’t do any good. But follow this rule yourself, don’t dump all your complaints at the front door - eat, go to the bath, maybe even sleep, and then start a conversation. Remember, when you are on edge or completely enraged, it is impossible to agree on anything, but it is easy to increase tension and irritation. 2. Before starting a conversation, think about what you want to achieve? For example, if you don’t like the fact that he sits on his phone all the time and doesn’t help around the house, then you can hardly make him not pick up the phone at all. But it is quite possible to agree on specific washing of dishes after dinner. 3. Don't start the conversation with complaints. Especially in the spirit of “you always” or “you never”. This will immediately end your negotiations. Start it, firstly, with the question of whether it is convenient for your spouse to talk now? Then talk about your feelings. About what you are experiencing or worried about. About the same phone: “You know, I would like to ask you for one thing. After work, I’m so tired that I don’t have enough energy for all the household chores. Could you help me with washing the dishes after dinner? I would like you I'm grateful for that." And not a word about the phone! 4. Take breaks. In general, the role of pauses in any conversation is difficult to overestimate. They are often much more effective and important than words. You have said your proposal - take a break. Let the person comprehend what he heard. Especially if before that you only spoke to him with reproaches and complaints. Don't be afraid of pauses, this is when people make important decisions. And it works the same way in the opposite direction. Your husband answered you - do not rush to object or convince him. Take a break and consider his words. Clarify the nuances with a question. And maybe he's not so wrong when he says that your 14-year-old daughter will do a great job doing the dishes. 5. Remember that a request is not an order. A person has the right to refuse you. But most likely, if you sincerely talk to him, he will agree or offer his own option - for example, that he will cook dinner or that you can have dinner in a cafe. 6. And lastly, agreements need to be updated from time to time. Life circumstances have changed, your job has changed, children have appeared, you have moved - review your contracts and make the necessary changes to them. Because a family is a living system and #living relationships are built in it. Of course, this is not a complete list of rules. But try to use at least these 6 and you will definitely see changes for the better!